Here it is. All of it.

I've done it.
I've got the hardest part down. There are only two people in the world who know all of the below, and now it's public. Perhaps I'll join the ranks of the blog deleters now. I wouldn't have written this if not for my regular readers. Thank you.

--

Let's try for a summary so far:

• Six-seven years ago
  
• I met a gal (now my wife)
  
• She was recently out of another relationship
  
• She used that freedom to go gallavanting around the country with a bunch of blokes, myself included
  
• She declared that she loved me
  
• She stopped seeing anyone else
  
• We'd done roughly everything (as opposed to everything roughly) but have sex
  
• This was initially just "not going too far too fast", and then because I had a revelation that I didn't think I wanted to have sex until I found someone I loved
  

See, and you're all wishing I could have simply said that rather than pages worth in the first place ;)

She didn't really understand what was significant about being in love. As far as she could see, sex was just a bit of fun. She couldn't see how sex with someone you love would be all that different - it's still just fun.

I don't remember when it was exactly - before or after she told me she loved me, before or after I came to my love/sex conclusion, before or after she gave up seeing anyone else - but I remember making a vow to myself. I remember declaring that I would satisfy this woman, this girl who seemed sometimes insatiable. I would fulfil her every need, and be better than anyone else.
Strange, I remember thinking that, and yet I'm sure it was before I told her I loved her. I wonder whether I am mis-remembering, whether I was in denial, or just full of myself.

But intimacy like that can be emotional, even without the sex. Sometimes, "afterwards", she would be left feeling... somewhat emotional. Sometimes she cried. As I said before, I guess when you have a great starter, it sucks to miss out in the main course.

It was probably only a few weeks later, during one of those emotional moments, that I told her I loved her.

Did I really, or did I just want to comfort her after letting her down? I honestly don't remember now.

But did we spend the rest of that night entwined in each others' arms and legs, sexually learning about ourselves and each other? Well, no, not exactly.
Because all of a sudden, I seemed to be saving myself for marriage, or at least the woman I wanted to marry.

What was I playing at? I don't know.

I don't know why I kept putting it off in those early months, I know only that I did. Honestly, to this day, I don't quite understand why. It's strange, to not understand why you didn't/wouldn't do something.
Was I just scared? Non-committal? A part of my brain trying to tell me something? I could guess all night, but like I said, I don't know.

In total, from the start of our relationship to this point, some six to eight months had passed.

--
Looking back now, with the advantage of hindsight, I do regret us not having had sex sooner. This obviously isn't a regret I can really do much about.
I feel there may have been two problems caused in this time: 1. If we'd have been properly "going at it" (awhh, such a lovely image, huh?) back then, perhaps I would have less of an issue now. 2. How much hurt did I do? Is this a contributing factor to her lack of libido now?

I wonder with that one paragraph how many questions I may have answered, and how many I have raised in my readers' minds.

On with the past...
--

At this point, everything suddenly changed.

First of all, she found a house of her own. For the past several months, she had been temporarily living back with her parents.

She asked if I wanted to move in to her new house with her.

I said yes.

A lot of that of course was to be closer to her, but I guess there was also a bit of me which was glad to move out from living with my own parents. At that time, I always had felt more interested in moving out than learning to drive. They seemed to be the "big 2" independence things people were doing at the time.

Shortly after that, she sent me details of a job she had seen advertised in the local paper. Doing exactly the sort of job I had wanted, but failed to get for the last year. I applied for it. I had an interview. I had another interview. Long story short (too late! ;) : These days, I do the interviews. ;)

Now, buying a house and moving into it takes some time. And these things also seem to often acquire "random" delays. Consequently, it was a few more months before we were able to actually move in to the new house.
So, I moved in with her & her parents for what turned out to be a couple-few months.

I don't remember what happened, or exactly what stopped happening, but I know that this is the sort of time that our sexual relationship at that point began to fizzle out. (No, we still weren't actually having sex. No, I don't know what was wrong with me)

I know that it happened over this time, because I do remember thinking that, "Perhaps she'll be horny on our first night in our new house!"

Incidentally, I don't believe that this was directly related to her parent having been around. They were often away all weekend and that sort of thing. I believe it was just when we started to live together for more than a couple of weeks.

If things hadn't "fizzled out", I guess we probably would have had sex by about this point.

I guess it was around this point that I learnt that everything that you'd expect SHOULD work, didn't.

Then, as now, we slept nekkid. You'd have thought that stroking and kissing someone might have some sort of effect.

You'd have thought that a surprise candlelight dinner would be just the trick!... Nope.

Flowers? Nope.

During this time, I think I actually accepted it. Living with someone but not often "getting any", it's just one of those things that happens. Sure, I missed it all, but it wasn't the end of the world. I was still happy.

...Two... Years... Passed...

I do not remember anything significant happening in that time. Well, until about one year and ten-eleven months.

She had started chatting to someone online a lot. I didn't have anything "serious" to worry about, as I knew he was in the US, but I felt she had started acting suspiciously. You can tell these things.
And so I ended up in full-on suspicious-paranoid-bastard mode.
She didn't really tell me anything, other than that she talked to this person. She also had plenty of time to talk to him at work, as at that time she had a lot of free time sitting in front of a computer.

This all seems so long ago. Well, I guess it was.

Anyway, it turns out the suspicious-paranoid-bastard was right. Well, sort of. How much can there be to an online relationship? Well, enough to make me jealous ;)
Basically, from what I had remember, he had kept on pestering her to cyber. (Cyber=Cybersex. This was in the days of modems, so I'm not talking webcams here, or even phonesex. Read any "erotic literature"? Well, take that, and then imagine two horny people on other sides of the world writing a story between them in real time)
Eventually, she'd given in. Now, I know that this isn't exactly doom, gloom, and end of the world sort of stuff, but it had happened without my knowing. It was kept secret.
As she began thinking about stuff more, she began flirting/cybering with a couple of other people online too (some of whom were in the UK).
So, they cyber'd a bit, and I think she wrote a story or two, too.

Of course, I still didn't KNOW any of this. I just knew something was happening.

One day, I eventually couldn't go in to work. I had barely been able to eat anything for days. Kept feeling a knot in my stomach.

She knew that I knew something was wrong, as she left for work that morning. "Perhaps I'll look through your logs" I joked or threatened.

I think I debated whether I should find (and read) her chat logs all that day. Somehow, don't ask me how, I managed not to.

When she got home though, I just asked her. I don't remember exactly what I asked, but I remember the answer.

"So you read my logs then."

I am glad I don't perfectly remember the feeling that tore through my body at that moment, but it felt like something reached through my whole body and twisted my stomach until it was tied in knots.

It was dark outside, but I went for a walk.

After that, I succeeded quite spectacularly in blowing everything up and being somewhat devastated that it was all over.

Once the dust had settled, it turned out it wasn't all over after all. She said she had started feeling horny recently, but I never seemed to want to do anything. I think we established that this was partly because for the last two years I had been kissing her and stroking her each night, so she didn't think about it in a sexy way when she started feeling so inclined.
I told her I didn't want her "speaking" to the person who started it all again. Other than that, I said I was quite happy for her to flirt with people, cyber with them, or whatever in the online world -- on the condition that I knew. Keep things a secret, and you have something to worry about.

Net result at that time - recent problems repaired, AND she was feeling horny again. Hurrah! ;)

And so it was, that two years after we started seeing each other, we had sex on my 21st birthday.

I always thought that would solve everything, and I came away with the knowledge that I hadn't been responsive enough to her needs. That I needed to make more of an effort to "seduce" her at times.

Shame she stopped feeling horny again then.

I think it was at that point that I became more bitter about the times that she is not horny. Acceptance changed to resentment.


Five years ago.


Five years of months between sex is a long time.

It's even longer when you often don't actually have sex, because we'd done it so rarely when we were crazy passionate, that it's difficult to actually do something so much more, uh, complicated.

...

Five years. Actually, most of the time we don't have sex. Here goes. In five years, I think there were only two other occasions when we properly tried to have sex - they failed.

Five years. Since the first time and last time I had sex with my girlfriend/wife.

Married for three months now. "Played" once on the honeymoon. No sex then. Didn't even try.

I feel like a virgin.

AND I know that she has slept with more people than I have had sex in my whole life.


--


I think the last five years flew by a little quickly towards the end there, but I wanted to get to the end. I did it.

No idea what that's achieved. But I did it.

I'm at a loss as to what to say now. You probably are too.

Thanks for reading.

I Should Probably Be Off to Bed

...And there are still posts in other blogs I want to comment on. But I think, I think, I shall try to continue with some history. Perhaps I'll catch up to now.

On the other hand, I'm hearing occasional creakings coming from upstairs. Can't tell whether it's from my wife (in which case she can't sleep) or the neighbours. If it's my wife, she'll probably be down shortly to ask when I am planning on coming to bed. In which case I'll probably just go. Still, the longer I ramble, the less I get written. Ho hum. Miserable weather today. Lalala ;)

Can't Sleep 3: Hanni, Names... and something else I can't remember

I'm sure I thought of three things I could have put in this post's name. Oh well :)

Over on her blog, I notice that Hanni sometimes refers to me as Mr. M Fish. Well, let's face it, "Inspector Monkfish" is just plain stupid ;)

Made me wonder whether I should rename myself to "Michael" or something though, after the great Michael Fish the Weatherman :)

OH FFS! :) Now I have just remembered the third part! Age! And memory I was thinking too! Oh honestly!! :)

Anyway, then I remembered looking at peoples' CVs at work thinking "Honestly, 1987! That was the year of the Great Storm! You can't be applying for a job if you were born then!" ... Realised that Hanni was probably born in 1988ish, and likely has no idea what "The Great Storm" was, or perhaps even who Michael Fish was! :)

Of the Great Storm, Michael Fish said:

"Earlier on today apparently a lady rang the BBC and said she heard that there was a hurricane on the way. Well don't worry if you're watching, there isn't."

Well well, apparently there's more than that that isn't normally shown on the shows that repeat that excerpt.
Bored enough to read more? :)

See, and that's why I feel old. Not to mention my bloody memory clearly is failing! ;)

Can't Sleep 2: So much to say...

Because I keep my blogging secret, I don't often have a chance to write much.

At home, my wife is 95% of the time in the same room, and if I went typing a lot all of a sudden, she'd wonder what I was up to. Seems a perfectly fair thing to wonder - I'd wonder what she was up to too ;)
Consequently, other than the odd sentence or two, I tend to not say much until she has either gone to bed or gone out. Neither of us goes out that much. I wish she'd take more early nights occasionally ;)

I wibble around my blog and the others I read during my lunch hour at work, too. There though, I'm slightly afraid I won't notice someone come look at what I'm up to, or that I'll get distracted and wander off, leaving the wrong thing on the screen.

So, when I have a chance to write, if I think I have much to say somewhere, I usually have to work out what I want to say where ;) So, I usually have enough time to read my blog & the others I read, but I do not always have the time to write my usual essay ;) So, just because I don't say anything, it doesn't mean I don't have an anything to say. ;)

Perhaps I should start a "non-secret" blog or something. I've never been one for diaries, but it's quite nice to just talk about stuff sometimes, and to read what other people have to say :)

Can't Sleep, Won't Sleep

Having spent at least the last hour wondering whether I'd get to sleep, or whether I should stop trying and come downstairs, I eventually gave up trying.

So many thoughts zipping about through my mind. Not had this problem for a while. Probably not getting up this "morning" until 1pm did not help.

I'm not sure which it is sometimes. Can I really just "not get to sleep", or does part of me actually "not want to get to sleep". Does it want to just lay there, thinking about everything, sulking, brooding.

Well, hopefully if I say some of the things I'm thinking about, they won't be replaced with new ones.

WARNING! RANDOM BLOG POSTINGS IMMINENT!

Haircut

More random observations from my day.

I got my hair cut earlier.

I didn't recognise the woman who did it. I'm not sure whether she was new or whether I just hadn't seen/remebered her before.

From the moment she started cutting it though, she felt too fast, too aggressive.

I found myself staring at her in the mirror most of the time, trying to work out whether she just didn't care, whether she wasn't very good, whether she wanted to just get home, or whether there was something wrong. I almost thought about asking, but even if I'd have had the guts too, I decided not to mention it because of the other hairdresser cutting the hair of the person next to me. I didn't really want to suggest there was something wrong with what she was doing.

I never did figure it out.

The person next to me was there when I arrived, and still getting his hair cut when I left.

I don't think there's anything wrong with it though, and that's what counts. Although I did worry when she got the razor out to do my neck... ;)

A Cotton-reel and a Matchstick

That was all my grandad needed to make a small vehicle that moved by magic! Well, or perhaps it was just a wound-up laccy band.

I wonder whether it was just the three bits, or if I'm forgetting a part of it.

Thought of it as I wandered around Tesco.

All Roads Lead to Rome

The last day or two in "blogland" have been a little odd, with a few bizarre and coincidental connections shooting across the place.

A few days ago, Hanni posted a bit about her past. A day or two later, she deleted it.

Meanwhile, a few days ago, AnnieSeed's blog disappeared, only for her to now say she deleted it.

So then last night, before I wrote the long one, I had started thinking about it, and where I wanted to start, and where I wanted to go. I thought I'd just wibble the web a little before getting right down to it, though. Only to find that Hanni's site had been redesigned, and I had been added to the list of blogs there. Well, when that happens, you have to go look through all the others, don't you. (I'd done it before, but not recently)
One of those (I recognised the blogger's name from the commenters in Hanni's blog, but I forget which one it was - too many of them have three letter names... Just checked and it was Jef) had discussed sex & marriage. Given what I was thinking about at the time, this obviously stuck in my mind.

Oh honestly! Now coincidences are happening out of thin air! I went back to Hanni's blog to check whose blog the above post was from, and because I remembered when I looked at them the other day, some links didn't work. And what do I see? Quizz Coach's blog (see! Memorable on account of NOT having a three letter name) only talking about people deleting posts and not saying things in their blogs!

Oh good grief! (Erp, now I sound like Dangermouse) When on Earth did it get to be 2:40am. I don't think I'll be posting much else tonight after all!

I know that last night I didn't actually get anywhere significant, but I think I've pretty much got all the "in-between" bits done now, I can move on to the rest.
Even then, there were several points in writing it all that I felt a bit emotional. Unfortunately, those bits were mostly when I remembered how happy I was all those years ago. It's the same thinking about it now.
And yet when I read AnnieSeed's post about her deleting her blog, it was strange. It really did remind me so much of the sort of thing my wife can do that it did make me smile. I guess it's when my wife feels like that, that I put everything else behind me for the time, and just try to solve whatever is making her unhappy.

Well, or sometimes (often) when it's her who is making herself unhappy, I just tickle her. That puts a bloody smile on her face even if she doesn't feel like smiling! :-P

History Continued

After that first weekend together, we continued to see each other whenever possible. Sometimes there would be a week's gap, sometimes two, sometimes three. Those weekends together were fantastic.

We were all couple-y and smiles and giggles, whether we were out and about in town, buying snacks in the supermarket, or in a hotel room together. I didn't drive (or even work) at this point, so her credit card did get a lot of use, as she was often driving over here and getting a hotel room for a night or two.

...And the sex! She was incredible, insatiable, even. It was... indescribable. Like a couple (should be) on their honeymoon, I guess :) Sometimes making plans to go and do something, or to go out for dinner... but often not quite keeping those plans.
I like computers. Actually, I love computers. I've been using them for practically as long as I can remember, and I am naturally good with them. I enjoy using computers, and learning new things, and applying them in new ways. They are my hobby, and they are my job.
Until this point in my life, I had never really found anything else that I shared this passion for. Here, I had found it. Making her happy. Whether it was by doing something silly, or buying her flowers, or cuddling her while she slept, I enjoyed doing it. But one of the things I enjoyed most of all was, shall we say, "pleasuring" her. I thought it was fantastic. There was always something new to learn, and the discovery of a new way to apply that knowledge. And the reaction you got was always far, far better than making a few lines of text appear on the screen ;)

Well, ok, I say "sex", but that was more of a generic term than a specific one for some time. Following on from that first night, in the weeks that followed, things got consecutively "hotter" week-by-week, but they did not go "too" quickly.
For the first however-many-it-was weekends, things continued at a slowish pace ("slowish" is relative - starting with mutual masturbation, ending with everything you can do without actually having sex. Too much detail? Well that's what happens when nobody answered my "how much detail?" question a few weeks ago :-P)

During this time, she had, if you remember, "escaped" from her previous relationship. Here she was, a young (well, "old" to me then, but younger than I am now) girl, all of a sudden footloose and fancy free. With a small collection of interested men.

After all, whilst we got on really well together and knew each other very well (thanks in part to the many, many long nights spent chatting on t' Internet), we had got together initially for the "simple" purpose of having some sexy fun together, with no serious strings attached.
I knew she was zipping around the country, seeing other people, and likely getting up to more with them than she was with me (I'm not blaming her for anything here - the speed things between us moved at was entirely my choice). Yes, I was a bit jealous at times, as you would be, but most of the time I wasn't seriously bothered.
I think she saw me more often than anyone else during that time.

It was on a certain February 14th that things started to change.

I knew she'd been away with someone else that weekend, but I also knew that was purely down to "organisation", and was unrelated to the date (I don't *think* she'd seen him before, or since).

I was quite surprised when late that evening, she showed up at my door all of a sudden. She said she was "just passing" on the way back from Place B. Her place (let's call it Place A) was in the opposite direction to my Place C, so either she'd got lost, or it wasn't an entirely true statement ;)
We had a couple of hours together, before she had to head back home.

It was a few weeks later (probably during an "after" conversation) that she was able to complete a sentence she didn't finish on the 14th.
"Well, it was Valentine's Day... I thought... I should be with the one I... love"

So I'm guessing that it was about then that she stopped seeing the others.

Being a bloke, I didn't have much to say back to her at the time. Actually, being a bloke, I think I actually said I still didn't quite feel the same way. I don't remember how I did feel at that point, at "worst", I liked her a lot. Still being a bloke, I probably said something terrible like, "I do really like you a lot, and I really care about you..."

Even by this point, we still had not had "proper" sex together. Although, as I said earlier, everything but.

However, by now, the reason for this had evolved from the original. Originally, it was "just" a case of taking our/my time. If everything would have happened in one night, I'd probably have had a heart attack or something :) I mean, all that business, it was just a bit scary!
At this point, having been "putting it off" for some time, I'd had plenty of time to let my brain do a whole bunch of thinking. It's good at that. Not thinking, it has trouble with.
But my brain had realised the significance of sex. See, at this point, I was still technically a virgin (some people may argue that, depending on what your definition is - I'm going for the good old fashioned definition of "when a man puts his cough in a woman's ahem" - my apologies if you acquire a silly grin the next time you hear someone say "My, that was a big cough").

But if I go having some of that there sex stuff, then that would make me not a virgin. Hang on a minute, that feels like something significant. Do I want to go ahead and stop being a virgin? That feels like a great big major life-changing decision or something. I mean, ok, I do really like this woman, but I don't love her. Shouldn't I go leaving this sort of thing until I find someone I love to share it with? After all, I have to keep telling my mum that "no, I'm not going to end up marrying this girl" (honestly, my mum was such a nag :)

So now, where are we here? We've got us regularly sleeping together but not having sex. By now for her, this was frustrating. Looking back with the eyes I have now, this does of course now seem somewhat ironic. But as far as she's concerned, she was having a fantastic starter but never managing to get to the main course. On top of that, she's gone and fallen in love with me. So now, not only is it frustrating on its own, but I guess it was also a reminder that I wasn't in love with her.


1:15am. Decision time. Do I keep going now that I've started? Should I save as a draft and continue later? Or should I post what I've written. Oh, the agony of choice. How far have I got? A long way, but not quite far enough. But I think it's time to stop for tonight.

Comments welcome.

Get to the Point

I'm going somewhere with all of this.

I feel guilty and embaressed about it. I don't want to just come right out and state where I am because I want to explain how I got there.

On the other hand, the sooner I actually spit it out, at least I can stop THINKING about saying it.

Let's see how far I get in my ramblings tonight.

Right after I put my keyboard back together...

Up, Down, Flying Around

A few days ago, I found myself laying in bed (my wife next to me), thinking about us, and stuff, and all that sort of thing.

Recently, I don't seem to feel like I'm even hoping (in a realistic sense) that something might happen. I mean, I used to frequently hope that "maybe something will happen later!" on many/most days. I guess it's like trying to believe that you really genuinely might win the Lottery later. It just doesn't seem to feel plausible anymore. I tried to think about when this happened, and what the cause was. I guessed that in the last few months, there's nothing really been happening to give me that hope.

Some months ago, she'd try reading stories (of the erotic variety, that is - she has some books, and she also used to read some online) now and again to try to think about stuff. I think my biggest turn-on is probably the thought of a gal getting all aroused and stuff. And who better to think about than your wife?
So, when she would go to bed a little earlier than normal, I could hope she was reading a book or something. She often didn't, or even if she did read, it didn't necessarily "do" anything, but I guess it gave me something to hope might happen, that she might all of a sudden turn into a writhing mass of sexual energy.
(I missed the 'h' out of 'writhing' the first time there. A 'writing' mass of sexual energy is probably somewhat less exciting ;)

But over the past few months, she seems to be making even less effort than that. So, I thought about this, and figured that actually, it seems to have been like that since we got married a few months ago.

The conversation went something along these lines, although I know I'm not quite remembering it perfectly.

I started with, "Have you stopped trying to think about 'stuff' recently? I'm not sure you really seem to have done so since we got married."
"...Not specifically"
"Well, I didn't think you would necessarily have thought about it conciously, but I thought perhaps something might have clicked unconciously, or something...?"
"...I'm not aware of having thought that, conciously or unconciously... Do you want the fan turned down?"
"I don't mind."
[She turned the fan down]
[Nothing was said for a couple of minutes. I continued vaguely thinking about things, while I waited to see if she had anything else to say]
[She turned over]
"Are you off to sleep?"
"Erm... yes"
"So... do you have any opinions or thoughts or anything?"
"Erm... about what?"
"Well, about everything I said about not having thought about stuff recently"
"I thought I answered your question?"

Bah :) Anyway, I felt a little depressed then.

A few days later, early evening, I asked one of my usual "So, thought anything 'interesting' recently? (nudge nudge, wink wink, say no more)"
"Well, I had a dream a few days ago (You were in it). And I was actually thinking about reading some stories tonight, for some reason."
"Oh, cool :)"

When she went to bed a few hours later, she came looking for a book. While talking to me, I could see she was trying to keep it hidden.
"Yay!", I Thought, "she's going to read some stories or something, but doesn't want me getting over-excited."
And I felt quite pleased that she was making some sort of an effort again :)

That was last night. Found out today it was a book about weight loss. She ended up not thinking about anything else. D'OH! That'll teach me for jumping to conclusions.

It May Not be Obvious

...Why I started at the beginning.

Well, as with most stories, the middle makes more sense when read after the beginning, even if there is nothing directly significant about the beginning itself.

I'll try to continue when I have the opportunity to do so. I was going to say something else, but I've forgotten what it was. So I'm just going to go enjoy my sandwich :)

In The Beginning

Honestly, that bloody Hanni goes off being all philosophical and talking about choices and stuff. Set me thinking now. (Incidentally, while I'm complaining about other bloggers, AnnieSeed, sort your blog out - there I am, eagerly checking it practically every day, only for something to finally change -- and it has all disappeared!)

Choices...

Years ago, I made a choice. I chose to chat with one of those girl things online, and then to flirt with her, and meet her (argh! scary girl thing! no flirting going on there the first time), and keep talking to her over the 'net.

As I said, my experience with "those girl things" was somewhat limited at this point. There were a few girls I'd fancied (some in real life, some online), but nothing significant had ever happened.

So that's how things stood when I first met her in a more, uh, "romantic" light. By romantic, I was meeting her Saturday morning, staying with her in a hotel over-night, and then with her until whenever she left on Sunday.
Now, that doesn't necessarily mean it was all about just the one thing. I mean, we used to spend HOURS talking each night online. The first time we met, a bunch of us who knew each other online all got together for a night or two. (Hey, that was all perfectly innocent!)
She and I, we spent that entire night talking. Frankly, I didn't know how the other people slept through it, but they did! :)

But shoot back to the first "illicit" weekend meeting. I don't remember exactly what we did on that first Saturday. Perhaps we played pool. I know we did play pool sometimes early on. There was me, concentrating on keeping me balls on the table (as it were), perhaps even dropping one in a pocket (oh, the innuendo), trying to avoid excessively looking down her very loose-fitting top with a lot of cleavage. While she, I find out later, had ulterior motives! Honestly, who'd have thought you'd go trying to show off your cleavage during a game of pool, let alone playing it with the purpose of enjoying watching the other person's movements as they waved their stick at those balls.

I'd had a lot of things on my mind up to that day. Yes, I fancied her. No, I didn't really know how far or how quickly I wanted to take things.
Before-hand, I guess, being a bloke 'n' all, I had presumed a long way very quickly, given half a chance.

But that first night together in that hotel... I knew it was my choice, exactly how far, if at all, things had to go.
And by 'eck, was I ever pooing meself ;) (Metaphorically, fortunately)

We kissed, eventually. After our noses were touching for about twenty-seven hours. That may be a tiny exagerration. I don't know what I was scared of... Perhaps that she'd bite, or perhaps that she wouldn't? ;)
She gave up waiting for me and came in with a quick peck on the lips.

Eventually, that night, things progressed from there.

Depending upon your opinion and your perspective, they either progressed a long way, or not very far. It could probably go without saying that more kissing was involved. There was at least some nakedness, although things didn't go much further than that.

Ok, if you don't want the detailed account, skip this bit. I considered not mentioning it, but I suppose upon reflection it's almost funny, so I suppose I might as well make it a good story and tell it all ;) I guess I might as well get used to going into the embaressing bits now.
After all, when you're all naked you might as well do something with all that nakedness, eh? So, she gave me a hand-job. Well, she tried. Eventually I think her hands/wrists pretty much wore out. I tell 'ya, she must have been disappointed that it didn't get all bouncy 'n' stuff, because I was so tense, worried and nervous (just of the occasion, nothing else specifically) (here I go, using three words for the same thing ;) ), that despite being rock hard, very little else was happening.
Oh! By the way, I feel I should point out that this has not been a problem again. I think it was just first night blues, along with a nice cocktail of fear and alcohol.


We continued seeing each other every other week or so, sometimes for one night, sometimes for two. Sometimes over here, sometimes over there. As I am sure you can imagine, things continued moving forward.

But that's another story ;)

I'll have to stop for tonight. My eyes are starting to lose focus ;)

Good night. Thanks for reading. Any comments, opinions, or thoughts, (3 again) feel free to leave 'em.

Blue and Green Should Never Be Seen

I don't know who said that, but they clearly weren't thinking of the summer.

What a glorious day it was today :) Bloody hot, but glorious weather none-the-less :)

Been busy recently, but then not much has happened.

Bye for now :)

PS. No, I'm not going to mention the football.

"Because there are no sounds to hear..."

By the way, we've not heard anything back from Relate since the last meeting.

I've no idea how long these things take.

At the last one, the Relate woman gave us a form to fill out, listing when and where we could do meeting to get added to the waiting list.
My wife pointed out that we had already filled out this form (I didn't see this one, but it sounded exactly the same as the last one that we did fill out), and we didn't fill it out.

I am slightly worried that perhaps the first time that form was to get on a waiting list for that initial session and not a "general" list. Perhaps the forms are the same but they go in different pots.

I don't know, if it were that I guess the Relate lady would have said that at the time when we didn't fill it out.

Hmm.

I Like Simple

Simple is good. Simple is easy. Simple is understood.

I used to like making nifty things in my job (ok, that's things *I* thought were nifty - 90% of other people would be unimpressed ;), but they often ended up nifty, but complicated.
Since then, I think I've managed to make even the complicated (but nifty) things simple. It's much easier to work with simple things :)

I wonder whether life feels complicated because I haven't worked out how to make it simple yet.

---

I left work relatively on time today. My wife had the car today, so picked me up. I pulled her along to the park-ish bit nearby. I think it was still quite nice and sunny, but I'm not sure. I don't remember noticing.

She was feeling miserable.

She started on this extremely low calorie diet (again) last week. She keeps thinking its right right answer for her, probably because she lost about three stone on it a few months ago. Unfortunately, I don't think it really helps you change your "non-diet" eating habbits at all.
The other few times she's started it this year, I suggested she do so with her left over bits from last time - I said if she can do it for a few days or a week, she could go back on it properly. It costs like sixty quid a week, which is rather a lot. Of course, if it works, then it will make her happy, which makes it worth it.
I like saving my pennies (i.e. I'm a tight git ;), but I'm happy to spend them when there's good cause to do so.
Last week she started back on it "properly" (despite having not managed to do it on her own for more than about a day). I said if she really thought it might help to actually get back on the programme and go to the meetings then she could.

The diet basically involves not eating. If you've heard of the Cambridge Diet, it's pretty much that. If you haven't heard of that, but do know of Slim Fast, it's like that, only without the "real food" inbetween the "milkshakes".
Still not with me? Well, she gets given a whole bunch of "food packs", some can be made into soup, some "milk shakes". You have four of them a day. You eat nothing else. No snacking, no other meals, nothing.
Now I grant you, it's going to be pretty bloody hard for anyone to manage something like that, let alone people who love their food.
I've got rid of as much of my food (particularly snacky food) as I can. I even tried tieing up some of the cupboards and the fridge the other day with string to try to help her resist having a root around inside them!
I like snacking. I could really live on snacks, given the chance ;) (I weigh like nine stone, so there's no real option of me actually dieting with her) But still, I've done my best to get rid of all that I can, and not eat the rest in front of her.

She started last Friday. She was pretty positive all weekend, imagining herself getting to be whatever it is she feels she'd be happy with.
Come Monday, she'd snacked on a bunch of things that we had laying around the house, so was pretty pissed off at herself. But, it being the first week on the diet, she had a weigh-in Monday evening. She didn't know whether she wanted to go, but in the end she did. (I suggested she did - it might help to have people to talk to, etc.)
She had an evening meal when she got home, and said she'd go back to eating on the Tuesday. I suggested she sleep on it. She did. Not eating again Tuesday. I don't remember her being specifically negative or positive. Same on Wednesday.

...And we're back to today, walking along in the sun, her looking miserable. She REALLY wanted to eat today, apparently, and spent half the day trying to work out how she could eat in secret (so I wouldn't know and wouldn't feel let down) and without me knowing (Even when she tries that, I tend to have a knack for knowing exactly what's on her mind).

So she went out to the proper weigh-in this evening, hence my having some time. It was nice to relax and chill out and not do anything in particular :) And to put a film on. She doesn't like films, and that's doubly true for boring boyish films that I like ;) She's always telling me I can put a film on if I want, but then when I say I want to she always does something that shows she really doesn't like watching them. So I don't often even think about putting them on these days when she's around.

So I was feeling reasonably happy when she got home. I paused the film to talk to her. She was still down. She really wants to eat. But she also wants to lose weight. She went to bed after 5-10 minutes.
I finished watching the film. Started writing this.

She just came back down. Couldn't sleep. I made some small talk (I just read London is the second most expensive city in Europe - after Moscow. Just WTF is Europe these days?), before asking what was wrong. I think she said something sarcastic. Anyway, I wanted to say more tonight (I'd almost finished on the boring "day-to-day" stuff and was about to start on older stuff), but I'll go join her.

Night night.

Decisions Decisions

So I've got a couple of free hours this evening.

Now to decide how to spend them, and in which order to do things!

Let me think...

• 1. Have meself some tea (probably a definite)
  
• 2. Get changed out of work clothes
  
• 3. Have a shower (I take ages. It's nice to not worry about even pretending to rush sometimes ;)
  
• 4. Chill out
  
• 5. Watch a film
  
• 6. Watch TV
  
• 7. Write generic dribble to my blog
  
• 8. Write more of that dull old history and stuff to my blog
  
• 9. Read other blogs
  
• 10. Accidentally spend the whole time trying to work out the best way to spend it
  
• 11. Find porn (too much information? Well, it could be worse ;)
  
• 12. Something boring, like housework or tidying my desk
  
• 13. Establish a sure-fire way to make three million pounds using only a phone, a screwdriver, a glass of water from yesterday, my mouse, a pile of random letters, my wedding ring (I take it off and play with it sometimes - it's tight on hot days), and a bag we brought back souvenirs in on our honeymoon. That's just a sample of the crap piled on my desk ;)
  
• 14. Chill out (I know I already said that, but the first time I was thinking of watching random TV/listening to music/playing a game/wibbling the web, and this time I was more thinking of flopping on the bed)
  
• 15. Ermmmmm. I'm sure I thought of something else earlier.
  
• 16. Ok, I think I'm done
  

Now, I think I'll start with a bit of 14 followed by 2 (I almost said a number 2, but then I realised that people might have got the wrong idea). Or perhaps at the same time.

Anyway, if anyone else has an opinion on my incredibly exciting evening, before me time's all used up, drop me a comment and I'll consider your request. If I didn't fall asleep, at any rate ;)

Another Busy Day

Tired and worn out at the end of the day. Went for a wander around the green bit again. It was nice to relax a bit. Contemplated leaping up a tree if I saw a nice one :) (But didn't) Not climbed up a tree for probably a good ten years. Used to be fun though.

Drove home. Crap on the radio. (There only seems to be "clubby" dance music on by late evening)
Hummed to myself. I often randomly hum to myself when I'm content and doing something simple like milling around in the kitchen, or doing the shopping.
Must sound surreal. I started on a tune that for some reason sticks in my mind from Bagpuss (I rewatched them within the last six/seven years), straight into a sort of "army marchy" tune from a computer game, then a theme from a sitcom (I couldn't remember what).

Was feeling a bit random driving home. Looked up at one point driving along a longish straight road. Thought, "Well, bugger me, I've been going down this road for six years and never noticed that there's a tree-covered hill rising into the sky at that end before. I'll look more closely at the other end of the road."
I continued my random humming (and wondered whether Hanni had considered learning to drive at this point) and forgot about the hill.
Got to the other end of the road. "That's a big black cloud," I thought.
"Ohhh yeah. I see. Right. It wasn't a hill. It was a cloud."

There's probably something meaningful in that.

Actually, that makes me think of Bagpuss again, but I'm too tired now to go where I intended.

Maybe tomorrow.

Complete & Detailed Description of My Sex Life Prior to Meeting My Wife

Busy Busy

Busy old time for me at the moment. Everything happens at once and all that.

I'm going to bed late, sleeping poorly, getting up early (well, earlier than I want ;) ), and working hard and long (9am-7pm today - Didn't leave until about 9:30pm Friday, and then I spent a couple more hours working from home).

Wifey's flip-flopping on dietary decisions, and feeling generally positive one day and depressed the next.

Still, at least the lucky girl's on holiday this week (our holiday times with work fall differently, so our honeymoon came out my holiday "budget" for this year, whilst for her it came out of last year's).

Overall, it doesn't leave much posting time though.

Perhaps I can manage just one more...

Phew

Well, there's a good start.

I'll try to write mine next, and then ours.

And possibly/probably some random thoughts on it all at some point too.

Night night for now.

History Begins

Right, here I go. Time to finally get around to posting some (more) background info.

I've decided to start by describing some of my wife's history.

This is for a few reasons - 1. It's probably a more sensible sequence, 2. It means I don't need to write mine yet, and 3. She's not "here" to complain ;)
I appreciate those aren't exactly the best reasons, but tough luck, you're stuck with them, it's my blog and I say what goes! Well, unless anyone wants to disagree, at any rate ;)
(Although in fairness, I do feel a little guilty about posting HER personal life for other people to read here, although it is all, at least loosely, involved in everything)

Ahhh... Now, do I start at the beginning and work forward, or start now and work back? I didn't think about that until I came to start writing. I suppose starting at the beginning and finishing at the end is most sensible. I don't know why, but for some reason I'd been presuming I'd start at the end. Oh well :)
I can't say I've quizzed her on her earlier sex life recently, so some of this is based on (perhaps flawed) memories of things she told me perhaps even years ago.

Here we go.

She "discovered" boys/men/sex while she was at college. I don't remember at what point this discovery jumped from Teen-style romantic/kissy relationships (i.e. early, late, or after college), but it all started for her at around that time.
[I was going to say more here, but I don't think it's needed for the sake of a summary. This is her life, not mine. I don't think I should go randomly describing her personal life]

She didn't have any serious relationships during this time, just a reasonable number of short-lived ones. She saw sex as being just a bit of fun, and she had a good share of fun ;)

I guess her life was like this for somewhere between a year or three before one day one of these "very short-term relationships" all of a sudden turned out not to be quite so short-term after all.
This was her other "serious" relationship. They moved in together. He was a few years (perhaps ten) older than her, and said he did not want to get married (I believe that was just a view of his in general, rather than anything against her).

I think there was a point during this relationship that she lost interest in sex. I think this was a case of not thinking about it at all (with anyone), rather than just not wanting it with her ex. I think that then her ex got fed up and paid her less and less attention and spent more and more time away from her (He did shift work anyway, so they didn't see much during the week, and then spent much of the rest of the time round mates' houses/at the pub).
Over the three years, they began to grow apart. I think there was a point around the middle of that time that she slept with someone else. I think this was just for the "fun", rather than anything meaningful. I don't remember whether ex knew about this before/during(!?)/after it happened.
With neither of them much interested in the other, I guess she started flirting more with other people, and consequently thinking about sex again.
Towards the end of that relationship, I think she saw a couple of other people.
She spent a lot of time chatting online (which was where she got her flirting done), and when you're a real girl with proper breasts and everything, it's probably pretty easy to pick up a few perverted men on the Internet ;)
She had a few places she chatted, and met some people for purely social reasons as well as "other" reasons. Some of them were right bloody strange. Like me! ;)
As well as chatting online, we met socially a couple of months before that relationship was officially over.

Even closer still to that relationship ending, one of the people she met on, uhh, less "social" and more "fun" grounds was me. Neither of us really thought at the time that our relationship would become... Well, a relationship. Let alone marriage ;)

Between that relationship officially ending and ours officially starting (Although I'm not sure what the definition of "officially starting" would be), she slipped into enjoying a few other people again (or a few other people slipped into... I'm not going to finish that sentence ;) ).

It seems so so strange now, when I think back to just how insatiably horny she could be. Phwoar. ;)

Normal Service Will Resume Shortly

WARNING: This post may scare the pants off you.

I just read Hanni's most recent blog entry about a spider and was reminded of something I saw a few years ago.
Well, after some time spent Googling, I finally found what I was after.

I suppose this serves as a reminder. No matter how bad things are, it really could be a whoooole lot worse ;)

There are three pictures in the series, and unfortunately, nothing I can find actually shows them in a sensible sequence.

So, here's the first picture:



If you don't want to find out what's behind the clock, then I strongly suggest that you do not follow this link to UrbanDictionary.com to read more about the infamous "Clock Spider" which has the other pictures in the series and some "Internet Folklore" about it too.

More information is also available on Reference.com.

Sleep well everybody ;)

The Blogging Bug

I think I've caught the blogging bug.

I find myself checking my own blog to see whether anyone's left any comments, and checking for new entries on the other blogs, way more than a healthy person should do ;)

Every few days I jump through a good number of random blogs, but I rarely spot anything that I consider coming back to, let alone reguarly.
I have started noticing some interesting (well, ish) patterns though.

For one thing, it's quite nice to notice how many blogs AREN'T in English. I guess I don't often use a single website which acts as a community for people who speak in different languages. As well as the obvious far-Eastern languages (i.e. non-Latin based letters), I'd say the next language you seem to see a lot of is something Spanish-based.

I also seem to have noticed a surprising (well, to me) number of Singapore-based blogs. Of course, that could just be because I now "notice" it that much more when I see a Singaporean blog, on account of AnnieSeed's blog being the only "foreign" one I've really stopped to look at. You know what it's like when you notice something, and then all of a sudden you realise how much of it there is to notice :)
Honestly, listen to me rambling on about things that don't make much sense. Aren't I a right proper eloquent writer ;)

Where was I? Language, Singapore... Oh yes! Religion. That's the other thing I've noticed. There are a surprising number (again, to me - I suppose that's obvious - I'm not likely to specify when something is surprising to someone else) of blogs you visit which have a passage or two quoted from the bible.
Personally, I'm pretty much sitting on the fence when it comes to religion. I'm not pro-religion, but neither am I anti-religion. I don't specifically believe in God on a day-to-day basis, but neither do I specifically NOT believe in God. Of course, I also wouldn't say that I'm specifically agnostic, however as I tend to have a rather scientific "How?" and "Why?" sort of view of the world, I am probably leaning to that side of the fence.

Now, if we put all these observations together, we can see a clear overall picture of your average blog:

It will be written in Spanish by someone who lives in Singapore and is a devout Christian.

Or perhaps not. :)

Tune in to my next post for more random observations! (I don't have any in mind yet, but let's face it, there's a good chance ;) ) On the other hand, maybe I'll even get around to getting back on topic...

Recurring Themes

1. Sorry, I still just don't have the time available to write any new entries. I could do with a few hours to just work out where to start and what to say. Maybe I should just do some summaries. I suppose it's the right time of year, or would that be summery? :)

2. She's still hung up on her weight. She has emotional ups and downs (don't we all), and she just seems to be on a downer at the moment :(

3. I can't talk, I'm still hung up on the sex ;) (Yes, last time was still March, on our honeymoon).

A-Polling Behaviour

I played with trying to get a poll in again. It appears Blogger doesn't allow JavaScript to be embedded within a post, which is what the two poll places I found used.

Anyway, I then played with getting it in the sidebar. Got it working in the end, but I eventually decided the damn thing was such a pain in the arse to get rid of it again - they were really slow and kept timing out when I tried to vote.

Bah. Computers. I wouldn't want to work with them all day! ;)

More than I needed to kn-ooow

As I talk about life and history and sex and marriage, how much detail do people want to hear? :)

1. As much as would be proper to discuss over a cup of tea during the Victorian era
   
2. Well, perhaps you could hint at the nitty gritty
   
3. Ooh! Give me gossip and things to giggle about!
   
4. I want ALL the details, baby! I want a list of turn ons, a REALLY detailed story, and preferably some video highlights! Whoo!
   

Not sure it'll make much difference to what I actually write, I'm mostly just being nosey ;)

BOOIING went Zebedee

I feel rather happy and bouncy and really have far too much energy.

Bouncey bouncey bounce bounce!

Don't know what to do! :)

No, I haven't taken anything ;) Just come over in a really good mood all of a sudden ;)

BOING! :)

Six to Nine Months

I always knew it wasn't exactly going to be "go to meeting, have revelation, go home, have great sex, live happily ever after".

I don't remember having heard, or at least thought about, the amount of time it could take to sort out before.

...

I am slightly worried about how I am starting to feel about all of this sometimes now. I know when I was looking at this before, perhaps on Relate's website, that I read that many couples tend to leave getting help until it is almost too late, as a sort of "last resort", rather than pro-actively using it to plug the hole before it becomes a flood.
I know that at times, my brain feels like it goes into "emotional suppression" mode when dealing with big/worrying situations. Perhaps this is my "me man, me make fire, me not cry" instinct.
Recently though, I don't feel as though it's on my mind as much, in some ways. In other ways, it's on my mind more.
I'm not sure what's happening in my head. I don't know whether it's "nothing has happened for so long, it probably never will" so beginning to stop caring.
I don't know whether it's "this is causing too much stress, so I'm going to unconciously hide myself away from it"
I don't know whether it's "I'm talking about it more and sharing my problems here in my blog ([wave] hello!), so have more of a release for some of the emotion involved.
I don't know whether it's because we've started on a path that might help solve it (Relate).
I don't know whether it's because I feel we're going to be on another useless path that WON'T solve it (Relate again).
In case you hadn't worked it out from that lot, I'm trying to say that I don't know ;) Basically, I'm thinking more about writing stuff here, and less about "I want sex/I want to try to achieve things that will help us to have sex". Perhaps with everything that's going on, it's just making me so much more aware of the problem and its scale.
I don't know, but to be honest, it slightly worries me.

Something I do now know though, is that my wife does not appear to be aware of the scale of the problem, does not want to acknowledge it, or does not (want to) remember everything I have told her.

At both meetings, when asked whether we had any problems other than the lack of sex, my wife has immediately replied with something along the lines of "No, everything's wonderful other than that, we love each other and want to have children and live happily ever after."
Today, I added, "...Erm, although this problem has been going on for long enough that I don't really want to move forwards until we get this problem solved." (When asked about "forwards", I said, "for example, having children (the obvious lack of sex problem there ignored)".

Going back a year and a half, there were three big Commitment Steps on the road in front of us:
1. Marriage
2. Move to a new house (our current one is technically owned by only my wife)
3. Kiddie winkles

The sequence 1&2 were in have bobbled about a bit over the years. I have made it clear at the moment that I am not going to think about moving until we get this problem solved, let alone children. As I have said before, I would not wish to have children in the state we are in now, for their sake. I do not trust me.

We have lived here for like 6.5 years. I was "quite disappointed" at the lack of sex for the first couple of years, after that it moves up to, let's call it, "somewhat frustrated". I have told my wife this. I have told her how important it is to me. I have warned her repeatedly that while I may have a lot of patience, I by no means have infinite patience. That this would blow up into a bigger problem if not solved.

...

And you know what's worse? I can't actually remember what my point is now. I'm very (very) tired again now, but wanted to get this post out while it was fresh in my mind.

At some point, I also still want to get into the background and more "juicy" (i.e. embaressing to me) details of the current situation.

Until then,

Inspector Monkfish
(Who has been thinking recently that this was really a poor choice of name - I guess I didn't think anyone would really read this when I created it, and was more interested in starting to write than picking a semi-sensible name).
Night!

Relate - The Second Meeting

Following on from our initial visit to Relate at the end of May, where it was decided that Psycho Sexual Therapy was most appropriate for us, we popped ourselves down on the waiting list.

I've had it on my mind for a while recently that I should try to "mentally prepare" for that next meeting. What I mean by that, is to describe all the rest of that intensely intimiate and embaressing stuff that I haven't shared yet ;)
See, I bet you were all thinking that having sex once a quarter was bad enough, without finding out there's even more to it than that. I should also probably reread some of what I've written here at some point too. I can't remember whether I've gone into the background of how we met and what things were like then.

Anyway, all of that stuff's been on my mind (some of which we didn't tell the first Relate person), so it came as a bit of a surprise today when Relate called this morning to say "We've had a cancellation. Do you want to come along this evening?"

This time, this was basically another "initial" meeting, this time with a psycho sexual therapist. This means saying much of the same stuff as last time, and the PST (Psycho Sexual Therapist is just too much to keep on typing) can (dis)agree that you're in the right place.

Anyway, we went along and we said everything we had to say. Compared to last time, some things we said more of, other things we said less of. She asked different questions (they were in general of a more sexual nature), and perhaps had a greater understanding of some aspects, but a lesser understanding of others (a great example - having briefly talked about my wife's image of herself, to summarise something the PST said, "Well perhaps you need to lose weight before you start therapy or you might not be happy with yourself, and perhaps that could be a major reason" - oh right, sure, my wife hadn't ever considered that! We now consider ourselves on a path to true enlightenment).
Overall, the PST agreed that we did want a PST. So now we need to get put on (another) waiting list for a regular slot to appear, which may or may not be with the same person.
Overall, my wife and I agreed afterwards that we preferred the first lady we spoke to to the second. Of course, that could have been because she asked simpler/less embaressing questions ;)
The lady we saw today though did seem more like I was originally expecting, and did ask more questions directly related to the physical act of sexual intercourse between a man and a woman.

Sorry, I left that sentence deliberately cheesey ;)

One thing that I remember the person today saying was the length of time it can take for a problem like this to be sorted out - around six to nine months, I think she said.

Can't Sleep

Actually, I'm not sure whether I can't sleep, or won't sleep. Sometimes it's hard to tell.

With reference to what Hanni said a few comments ago, sure, I feel angry sometimes. I felt slightly angry this evening after going to bed.
I just don't quite make it to the sort of Harry Enfield levels of "If she slept in my bed but wasn't up for a good shag, I'd say OI! WIFE! NOOOO! And I'd give 'er a good slappin'."

Even my wife said it earlier in bed. "Do you mind giving me a cuddle?"
"No, of course not"
"I bet even if you did mind, you'd do it anyway"

She's right you know. Maybe I'm just her bitch.

What do I do when I feel angry? Well, I just sort of bottle it up and sit there feeling pissed off at the world. There are times when I do wish I had a baseball bat and enough money to just break anything I wanted and not care about it. But I spend far too much time thinking to act on impulse or instinct enough to actually hit/damage anything.
We never even shout at each other, you know. Not sure why, just doesn't happen. When I lived at home, I'd "always" be shouting at my mum, my dad, or my sister. I get on much better with all of them since I moved out.
My wife says her parents never really shouted at her, they just got quiet. Which she says was much worse than being shouted at. I remain unconvinced.

I'm not a violent person though. Whether it's a lack of passion, or a lack of testosterone, or circumstances, I don't know. Probably just spend too long thinking about everything. I would like to think that if I were put into a circumstance that I were forced to defend someone or something, I would fight for what I thought was right. But the fact of the matter is, I've never hit anyone. Perhaps I best not dwell on that for too long, for fear of doing a bit of a "Fight Club" ;)

One of the things that I hope I would be willing to fight for would be someone else getting unfairly attacked. I remember years ago watching some documentary about wives who were beaten up by their husbands. It made me feel pretty physically sick. I can't understand how someone could do something like that, and I really couldn't understand why someone would live with it. In the years since then, I have gained perhaps a little understanding of both sides, but not anywhere near a justification. Occasionally, I find myself wishing I could understand something. Then I find myself being thankful that I cannot.

Reading Hanni's blog entry about Donna... No, no way. A bit of that feeling rose again. It's sickening behaviour. You can't do that to someone, it's just plain wrong. Nobody deserves that.

A couple of years ago, someone I knew was beaten for even less reason than that. I think he shouted at a bunch of kids (late teens-ish). There was about five or six of them.
I cannot comprehend how five people could ever even consider attacking one person. But they did. And sod stopping when he was down, unable to stand. I heard that they kept kicking him even then. He remembers at that point, one of them even took a flying leap at him. Sure, that's really fucking cool, beating up someone who can't even stand. I REALLY can't understand that, and it is so so wrong.
He couldn't go in to work for a week or two. Six months later, he was still regularly in pain if he moved to the wrong angle. Even now, I think he still has some unhealed injuries.
If I were there, if I had seen that, would I have had the guts to do anything? Or would I have sat on my ass doing sweet fuck all? I don't know. I'd like to think I'd try to help, even if it wouldn't make a difference, even if I knew I'd come out of it like he did.
But would I? I don't know. And overall, I think I probably hope I never have to find out.

Saturday (Part 2)

An hour later, and she was prodding me awake again. "Thought I'd give you a poke and see if you wanted to get up yet."
"Thanks. I probably will try to move now." She still seemed cheery. "Making progress with the cleaning then?"
"Yep! Finished in the kitchen. Might try to tidy up the cupboard under the sink."
"Oh - You might want to leave that for now. I had been thinking I'd try to fix that tap today."
"Hm. How're you going to do that?" she said, in an almost 'accusational' way.
"...Well, for one thing, I bought a selection of washers a few weeks ago. I also found out some more about replacing the innards," I told her, slightly confused as to why she was even asking, "Why do you ask?"
"Well. You don't know anything about plumbing."
Yeah, thanks for that. That's ignoring changing the tap heads on the kitchen taps, the innards of the hot kitchen tap, and the hours I spent replacing the whole ballcock and valve in the cold water tank. The problem with the kitchen cold tap is that it's different to the hot one, and, as I found last time, doesn't use a standard size washer, and other bits were odd sizes.
I don't know, perhaps I'm just getting more wound up by the small things, but that all just made me feel really irritated.

Anyway, I got dressed and went downstairs. I said I wanted to try to fix the tap today, and reminded her of what I had done before. Anyway, she probably said something like "Fine then, fix the tap". I had some breakfast. She continued to do something in the kitchen. I finished breakfast. She went upstairs to work on the bathroom.
"Right then! Let's get a look at that tap while I won't be in her way."
Only to find out she'd set the washing machine off. Probably not a good idea to turn the water off. Sigh. Oh well.
By the time the washing finished, the football was about to start, so I gave up on the tap (Three minute goal was nice surprise - thought we played well the first half, second half was disappointing).
When the football had finished, I really wanted for us to go outside and do something. It was such a glorious day. As usual, when I asked her, I got the usual "I... don't mind". More probing got a "Well, not specifically, but if you want to, then I don't want to be the one who says let's stay in."
Ok, so we agreed to go out. The next question was where. I find it so hard to believe she's lived her all her life and never has any idea where you could go for a walk.
Eventually, I said I'd just drive somewhere where there seemed to be a lot of space and see if we could find somewhere to stop and have a wander. Well, I drove about in a big figure-of-eight and we didn't end up stopping anywhere. She seemed bored for the first half, but seemed better during the second. Did go through some small roads and up some steep hills, with some pretty light dabbling through the trees and that sort of thing.

Didn't get any thanks for my efforts though ;)

Saturday (Part 1)

She woke up cheerful Saturday morning. That's a rare feat in itself :) I dozily managed to open my eyes (and keep them open) as she got dressed.

"Ooh," I said, "Matching underwear. Phwoar!"

In that magical, mystical place known as "The Mind Of Woman", I imagine I may be committing a cardinal sin by admitting (especially on someone else's behalf) that most days she does not bother wearing matching colour underwear. If you REALLY want to know, it's normally black knickers and a white bra. Today she was all in black, which I think looks so much better :)

She smiled, and wiggled happily. Which was nice. She put on a dress, which I immediately recognised as "old dress we don't care about for doing any old work in".
"Oh! This one's still loose!" she exclaimed (she bought a bunch of new clothes during her low weight point, so they're tighter again now).
"Planning on doing something?" I asked.
"Just some housework - tidy the kitchen, do the washing up, then perhaps clean the bathroom."
"Ok then!" I said as she wandered off. As she left, and I began drifting back to sleep. I was pleased she seemed to be in a good mood.
"Perhaps I'll try to fix that leaky kitchen tap today," I thought to myself.

Footy

Bugger, now I'm clashing writing with the footy.

I've already got one more entry mostly written, so I might get that finished and leave the other 'til later.

Hot Sausage and Mustard

I started with one thing to say this morning, and I've managed to turn it into a few. Rather than writing one long rambly post, I thought I'd try to split some of the points into different posts. Thereby creating many long, rambly posts instead of just the one ;)

This one is a follow up to Food, Glorious Food.

Before the wedding, she lost a good deal of weight on the extremely low calorie diet. She really did do fantastically well during those months, I can't imagine how hard it must be, but I really was proud of her (And of course I told her so). A few weeks before the wedding, she ran out of steam on that diet and just before the wedding, her weight had started creeping back up again.

Since then, she's now put back on about half the weight she had lost. This is such a shame because she had tried so so hard before.

Yesterday morning, she again decided to try going back on this diet again. She managed it all day at work, and said she even turned down an invitation to go to the pub for lunch because she wanted to stay good.
And yet, as soon as I got home, she started asking "Can we have takeout?"
I can't understand why she puts in so much effort at times, only to throw it away again. I didn't let her have takeout. After all, it was only Monday we last had it.
I also told her she really has to pick a diet (or decide she doesn't mind what weight she is), and stick with it.
It's like the Paul McKenna thing on Sky. When she first watched that, I was thinking "Bloody hypnotism, stuff like that, it's all just bollocks innit."
I can see that perhaps hypnotism at times may genuinely be useful, but I associated Paul McKenna with stage hypnotism and all that rubbish.
Once she started watching it though, a lot of what he actually said, seemed sensible. There wasn't much hypnotism stuff, and there was much more "body science" and psychology, that I thought seemed to make sense.
One of the things he said was that thin people eat when they're hungry. Larger people tend to starve themselves, eat a lot, starve themselves, eat a lot, etc., thereby screwing up their metabolism. I don't know whether that's really true, but it sounds sensible to my mind.
Skipping breakfast and lunch only to have a great big tea, just can't be sensible.

People, Blogger, Time, Respect

People are fantastic.

Blogger is fantastic.

I only wish I had more time at the moment.

Nobody I know in real life knows I have this blog. And that, for the foreseable future, is exactly the way I'd like to keep it.

This severely limits the time I can spend reading/writing my blog, the comments for it, and other peoples' blogs. I'm starting to suffer from lack of sleep now - almost every night this week I haven't even gone to bed until 1-2am, and then it usually takes me at least another 30mins to actually get to sleep. Awake again at 7, and after a while, I'm really starting to feel it. (I'm sure some people can manage on less - well, I need my sleep! :) )

But I have to say, there's so much I want in that short amount of time to read and say!

People talk about the Internet, and the freedom it brings people to publish whatever they want. I never really thought about that before outside of "information", such as news and facts.

But with Blogger, people are publishing... Themselves.

Two things - two people - took my times yesterday. I'm not sure in which sequence to mention them, so I'll mention them alphabetically :)

The first was AnnieSeed's blog, Anything but me, which I desperately wanted to post a comment to despite having absolutely no idea what it was I wanted to say (Sorry, I was absolutely knackered by the time I finished it, and probably making little sense).

The other was snow/Hanni's blog, Snow the Flakey Drifter.

Now, I'm going to be completely honest now. And I really hope I don't end up offending snow, because she sounds like a force to be reckoned with ;) But I want to explain where I started from, where I finished, and how I got there.
From the comments that snow had left on my blog, I had a poor first impression of her. Despite the years I have been using the 'net, and some of the gaming crowds I have been in with from time to time, I have always made an effort to type "properly". Even in chat, I continue to try to spell words correctly, use correct punctuation, and even capital letters! ;) (Although I do like my smileys)
if theirs 1thing that bugz me its when ppl use txt speak or 1337 speak and tink it r0x0rz bcuz most of teh time they know what they is doing but carnt be bovvered to write proply, and think it is coolio to right like this. O!!! AND SOMETIMES THEY RANDOMLY USES UPP3R CASE 4 NO REZON!!!!!11!!1eleventyone!!!!1!
Gah! I feel dirty now.
Snow's first post had a hint of "coolness" about it. (Oh God. I'm starting to sound like I wear Y-fronts, enjoy watching paint dry, and couldn't possibly wear my trousers lower than up to my neck)
--
Hey guy i am Hanni, i rekon you are like doing the right thing. Be kool guy, it will like work itself out now...:)
--
Now, it's not that bad in the grand scheme of things, but look at "guy" in there, and "cool" spelt with a "k". As I said to Dianne (my first "commenter") at the time, "following her first greeting/comment I was like totally 'I have no idea what to say to that' ;) But still, I started my blog to get different peoples' opinions, and she's a different person". I have to say, reading that back, I can't believe I wrote "I was like totally". How hypocritical am I getting.
But I meant what I wrote - she's not the sort of person I'd normally ask for an opinion on this sort of thing, and therefore EXACTLY the sort of opinions I was originally after!

This was shown in her last comment. Basically, snow asked why I wasn't angry with my wife, and why I didn't hit her (The short answer: Yes, sometimes I feel angry. No, it hadn't even crossed my mind to hit her).

But I went off and read the post in snow's blog about Donna (I felt mildly sickened by the bloke's over-violent reaction - I will try to go into some more detail about this separately).

Then I read her next post. And then the next one. And the one after that. And later I went back and I read all her blogger entries from January 2006 up to April 2006 (my eyes were giving up by then - I'll try to finish reading the whole thing when I have an opportunity).

And now, now I need to say "Thank you!" to blogger for giving people such an easy way to publish their thoughts and feelings.

But an even bigger "Thank you!" goes to snow/Hanni herself, for writing about herself and her life. I mean I made my original character judgement, and it is absolutely fantastic to just feel my opinion of her rising as I read.
So often these days, more and more, it's happening the wrong way around to me. I meet people, they create a good impression, and then they turn out to be a complete and total tit.

Hanni, I now have so much respect for you. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to be wrong about you :)

Food, Glorious Food

Breakfast, they say, is the most important meal of the day.

In fact, according to some random website Google just found for me:

"Breakfast is one of the most important meals of the day along with brunch, elevensies, lunch, afternoon tea, high tea, tea, dinner, supper, light snacks."

And if Google found that, then it must be true. Everyone knows that anything and everything found on the web can be taken as fact. And that's a fact.

It is also my wife's view. Well, if you add in the nibbles and occasional excessive snacking in-between meals. Personally, I pretty much eat when I'm hungry and stop when I'm not. Occasionally I snack in-between.

My wife, however, does not like herself. She believes that she is fat and overweight. I will not divulge what her weight or measurements are, although I will say that the amount of weight she wishes to lose would not cause her to become "underweight" for her age/sex/height.

She spends a lot of time thinking, planning, brooding and stressing about her weight.
(Sometimes, I feel slightly "jealous" that she can spend so long thinking about her problems and not ours/mine)

I try very very hard to help her as much as I can, because it is such a big issue for her. Personally, I just want her to be happy.

Unfortunately, she is always in two minds about it.
1. Long term - Be good, get thinner, be happy with self
2. Short term - Want nice yummy food

And when you're in the here and now, it tends to be the short term view which takes precedence. After all, there's time to sort out the long term view tomorrow.

And so I find myself stuck in the middle.

I know she won't really feel happy with herself until she's thinner.

She's been on and off diets more than most people switch on their lights.

But every time, and indeed all the time, I try to help her. When she's trying to be good, I try to avoid eating in front of her (even if I am hungry). I try to get rid of as many snacky foods out of the house as I can - I used to have chocolate and stuff around but I no longer do - I buy it and take it straight to work. I guess it doesn't sound much, but it feels a lot. I'm always willing to listen to her and help her with whatever decision it is she's trying to make.
But one of the hardest parts is telling her "No". I mentioned yesterday she had takeout. It had been just over an entire week since the last time. She started asking about it a couple of days ago. She announced on Friday that from Saturday she was going to go back onto an extremely low cal diet. And it was only fair that she was allowed "one last meal". I didn't let her on Friday. She's started that extremely low cal diet and had one last meal at least three times since the honeymoon. Each lasted a couple of days. (She did manage a few months on it before the wedding, but fell off the wagon a few weeks before hand)
I didn't have complete faith that the same thing wasn't going to happpen again (which I think was reasonable), and on top of that, you don't really want to pump your system full of all those extra "toxins" just before you give them up for who knows how long, that just makes the "withdrawal" worse.
She sulked a little about that, but not too much. (Sometimes she REALLY sulks if I don't let her have what she wants, so I let her have it, and guaranteed the next day she'll sulk because she's had bad food)
Anyway, Saturday I thought she did well and she stuck to it all day.
By Sunday she decided she didn't think she could stick to it after all so she'd go back to just trying to not eat excessively.
And you already know what happened on Monday.

It's all just hard work. She's a difficult lass to keep happy, and there are so many things she's unhappy with that are out of my control. But I still put a lot of effort in, and I guess that's one of the reason's I feel I could do with something to recharge MY batteries a little more often.

Sorry, I know this has all been a bit rambly. It's just a fairly significant lump of the overall problem that I thought I'd go into.

Relationships Are No Walk in the Park

When I finished work today, I decided not to come straight home. It had already been a long day (I finished a couple of hours late), and I just wanted to unwind a little before heading home. I looked up at the sky and decided it was so such a lovely evening I'd go for a wander.

It was lovely out. The sun was still shining, there were fluffy clouds in the sky, and the moon was out too, which always seems kinda cool against a sunny blue sky.

When I'm in the mood, I quite like walking. It's nice to just have a bit of a wander sometimes. I had absolutely no idea where I was going (I never realised there were so many forks in that small lump of woodland), and that's half the fun.
Of course, what for many people could be a nice relaxing walk, I turn into a baby marathon. Particularly as I relax, my walking speed tends to increase. Still, it means that you get to see more :)

Still, by then, I felt pretty chilled driving home (my apologies to the two girls stuck in the car behind me, who clearly did not want to be driving to the speed limit).

When I arrived home, my wife (btw, she did know I'd be late) was watching Sky's "Paul McKenna - I Can Make You Thin", or whatever it's called. Sat conspicuously next to her was a bag containing what looked suspiciously like take-out. I was at first slightly confused, presuming that she'd just found the bag somewhere and we'd forgotten to put it in the bin. I don't know why I presumed that.

Which, in a round-about way, brings me closer to my next subject. I did start writing about it earlier, but didn't have time to finish. Right now, I still couldn't be bothered. All the rubbish in this entry was just "off the cuff", whilst I'll actually need to think when I go back to writing the other one ;)

Still, I may get back to it before I go to bed. If not, I'll keep chip chip chipping away at it, until I discover what the maximum size of a blog entry is ;)

I try to avoid the sheep...

They are NOT an acceptable substitute for a healthy sex life. ;)

Besides, I remember the last time I tried to count sheep (a good number of years ago), I was awake for bloody ages just counting! :) Fat lot of use that was.

The Relate office we went to was... unimpressive. The branch closest to us is simply an "outpost".

The wedding video? Well, that's pretty much worse than my dream about including photos! :)

As for breakfast, I rarely tend to manage that. My mornings are rushed enough as it is, without allowing for luxuries such as eating. However, it is related to one of the things I had in mind to talk about...

Time for a quick one...

I'd just like to take another quick opportunity to thank all the people who have taken the time to read any of my posts, and doubly so to those who have left comments.

I don't really have anyone IRL to whom I can speak about this sort of thing, and it's cool to have people to talk to about it. Or even talk at ;)

I don't really have any news to post at the moment, but I might go into some details on some related matters at some point, subject to my having the opportunity to do so.

Night! :)

Coincidentally enough...

I think it was the same night I made my last post that I vaguely remember dreaming of this blog.

When talking about either of us on here, I have always attempted to remain cloaked in anonymity.

This was true in the dream, however there was one teeny tiny iddle widdle detail that confirmed my identity after she somehow chanced upon this blog...

Apparently posting a dozen photos of me/her/us on the front page was not in spirit with that anonymous identity ;)

As I suspected...

They didn't really ask much other than about who we are and why we're there. ;)

For all the nosey people out there, here are the "highlights":

• She ran into a similar thing in her other relationship of any significance
  
• We spend a lot of time together, but:
  
  
  
  • We do not often specifically do anything/go anywhere together
    
  • We do not often spend time apart
    
  • Err, I thought there was something else related
    
  
  
• When she thinks about the state of things, she feels guilty
  
• She often does not think to do anything about it until I make enough of a fuss
  
• Before we moved in together, we used to have a lot of sex
  
• Before, during, and after moving in (around that time but not as the direct result of any specific event), she began thinking less and less about sex
  
• When we did used to have sex, she enjoyed it.
  
• I have probably forgotten anything significant about me. (No, really, I've said everything I can remember, but I can probably remember things other people said more than what I said)
  
• Oh! And what happens next... The lady from Relate recommended Psycho Sexual Therapy. (She said sometimes uhh Couple/Relationship Councelling (or something like that) is more appropriate, but didn't think so in this case as the only problems were sexual)
  

Good night all.

And please, don't have nightmares.

Quiet Weekend

Both here in blogging world, and in real life.

Relate tonight.

That's slightly foreboding.

I imagine they won't really ask much other than about who we are and why we're there, though.

Will try to post an update later.

We Did It

Actually, we agreed to do it, but she did it.

We agreed last night, after me asking "So, what ARE we doing?" for about three nights in a row, that we would make an appointment with Relate.

"Brand name"-wise, they're kind of the market-leaders in that field, in our impression.

She called Relate earlier this evening and made an appointment for us both.

Can't say it's not slightly scary!

I guess it's the admission of "Yes, we have a problem, and no, we haven't managed to solve it ourselves."

Well, hopefully it's progress.

Minor correction

I just noticed... In my last post ("If Only..."), it may not have originally been possible to read the text enclosed in <these bits>.

Now fixed.

If Only...

I brought up the subject of sex in "conversation" earlier.

It went something a little like this...

Me: Sooo, thought any more about sex recently?
Her: Erm... Not really
Me: Well, got any ideas or plans?
Her: Uhm... Not really...
(An uncertain "I don't know" on any subject tends to mean "No")
Me: Well, you're not going to just magically feel horny all of a sudden, are you.
Her: I... don't know...

The conversation pretty much ended there, as she managed to distract herself with something else. As I've said before, she doesn't like thinking about it because she feels bad/guilty. Which means she avoids thinking about it. Which means nothing happens.

And I know I didn't exactly remain neutral, and I was fairly <<oh bugger I've forgotten the word I was about to use. that's too many late nights that is>> aggressive <<not quite right, but close enough>> towards her, but honestly, I just wish that she could start a conversation like this with me once in a while.
"Look, I'm sorry we still haven't had sex, but..." -- at least it would be something.

But almost every time I bring the topic up, she just ends up depressed and we don't get anywhere.

<sigh>

And hey, you never know. Maybe I'll go into the really embaressing details on here one day. Wouldn't that be... fun.

Something I Haven't Had

Something I don't remember having seen in reponse to my blog... An opinion.

I mean I've had vastly more people make comments on my blog now (read: 3... ok, 2 if you don't count me ;) ) than I expected. But I've never seen an opinion.

Granted, an opinion is a dangerous thing, and I'm sure some people have to be very careful talking about this sort of subject NOT to give an opinion.

But here, in my opinion, is the summary of everything:

- I want sex more often than once every few months
- She doesn't
- I kick up a fuss about it

Now, let's face it, I bet most couples out there are in pretty much the same boat as us. But I feel like I'm making more of a fuss about it.

Shouldn't I really just learn to live with it?

A Fate Worse Than Death?

I just realised I spent the last 30minutes watching some terrible three minute TV countdown (the same one - several times over, with one long 20minute 3minutes - don't ask), where people phone up to guess an answer to win some money. I can't believe how many people keep saying the same thing!

Time for bed, methinks ;)

16 Again?

Y'know, I'm not sure why, but it occurred to me earlier that all these random posts about me and my emotions just make me feel like I'm 16 again or something.

Seriously, I need to get back to just plain demanding sex, or talking about specific events. ;)

Who Am I... Part 2

(Thought the last post was getting long so I would split it into two. I initially continued straight on, but then went for a break in the middle when I realised how tired I was)

Initially as I began this blog, and then as I wrote new entries, it was obvious what was on my mind.

When I felt particularly stressed or frustrated, I ended up coming along here and writing an entry. That meant that I just wanted to come and write what was on my mind. Although often I couldn't, because if I started from there it wouldn't have made any sense, and I had to summarise the story leading up to it.

But still, it's basically just me bitching and moaning.

Now I feel a little less stressed by it all, I'm not necessarily thinking to come write stuff as much. When I write something, I end up with two things happening.
1. The desire to remain anonymous
2. A desire to talk about things I don't talk about elsewhere
3. A desire to stop talking about the same thing all the time, but some how I never manage it!

So here are a few other random points about me:
- Lazy. If I don't want to do something, or I don't like doing it, I'm pretty good at avoiding doing it. Is that really lazy? Probably. Most people don't like doing things they don't like doing, but part of life is getting on with it.
- Creative. I am often hit by bolts of inspiration. Sometimes big ones, sometimes little ones. Like earlier today when my wife complained there was nothing to eat (that she wanted), but I created a meal from a bunch of odds and sods in the freezer. I like being creative :)
- Dreamer. Take Lazy and combine with Creative, and of course you have a dreamer. :) I'm not completely in my own world, but I have a lot of ideas that I don't really ever do anything with. But it is nice to have dreams :)
- Caring. I do stop being lazy when it comes to doing something for someone else. (Depending on what it is, that is subject to me remembering to do it :) I often help people in the field I am skilled in, and I enjoy doing so :) I also try to defend people in arguments if they aren't there. Even if I would normally disagree with them! But I just like trying to put across a different point of view. Of course, sometimes that's just being argumentative, but it's not my intention. I also like to be nice to people I don't know. For example, at the supermarket, if I have to stretch to reach something at the back of the shelf, I'll take down the thing I want, and bring several more to the front of the shelf to make it easier on others.
- Optimist. Well, you need to be really, don't you :) Why bother sitting around thinking the world might end when it might not? Of course, in my "old age" I am getting increasingly pessimistic.
- I'm me. God, I do feel like I harp on a bit in this thing. It's actually difficult to "simply" write about yourself (especially while being unspecific). I did think I'd try to throw in some negative points in this thing, although it is difficult to be negative about yourself. Of course, some of my good points are also my negative points :)

...And I am rather good at rambling on about nothing in particular ;)

So, Just Who The Hell Am I?

Honestly, I'd have thought the in-depth section of this blog which is devoted to information about myself would have been enough to satisy anyone's curiosity.

You know, the bit that says "I'm in my 20s and live in England." What more could you want!? :)

Well, ok, I suppose I could get just an eeny-weeny tad more specific.

I'm in my mid-twenties.

How's that? Oh, ok, fine, fine! I'm in my mid-twenties, my name's John, and I live in the North of England.

And that's true. Except for my name being John and living in the North of England.

I decided (for obvious reasons) to remain fairly anonymous when I started this blog. Of course, if someone who knew me (i.e. the wife) read it, there's likely enough identifiable information sitting in here anyway, so I might as well not worry about prattling on a little more.

I have a technical job for a small company. I love my job - it's something I always knew I wanted to do, and I'm good at it. Over the last few years there is always more work to do, and it is more stressful than it used to be. Whilst I still enjoy my job, it does feel tiresome sometimes to be at work all day and feel stressed, only to come home and continue to feel stressed.

It's strange in some ways, because only a few (several) years ago, everything seemed so perfect. Back then, I felt I had three shining points in my life.

A fantastic girlfriend (my wife)
A perfect job (the same one)
A home

When I began thinking about a blog (some months before I actually started it), I kept thinking of things I was considering saying in it (if I were to start one, which, as you know, I did)

The starting subject I decided to pick was gazing out of my window all those years ago, staring in awe upon the stars.

But I also came up with another possible starting thought:

My triangle has broken, and I can no longer see the stars.

The fact that stars also featured in that thought is only a coincidence. I have no big thing for stars (although I do think that they, and the night, are pretty cool sometimes).
I had been thinking about those three bright points - shining brightly like stars. And there were three of them. Like a triangle. It doesn't take a genius to work out how I came up with that line ;)
At the time, the stress of the rapidly approaching marriage and the work-load in my job all just started to get me down (The house we live in being somewhat related to my wife, of course).

I haven't felt quite so stressed at home these last few weeks. I think that the fear of "Should I be saying no?" was cause for a lot of worry. I'm still worried about things, but it doesn't feel quite as bad now.

"Details", she says, "We want details!"

I suppose they say that "No news is good news"

Of course, "no news" also makes for pretty dull news.

We're in the old "neither of us is really doing anything which is likely to be specifically constructive but you never know she might feel horny" routine for the most part, at the moment.
There're a few attempts by her to try to start thinking horny-thoughts now and again (e.g. reading porn), but in general such attempts do not lead anywhere. I try to just make her happy in general (not that it makes much difference) and try to do anything I can to help turn her on. Which isn't much. Nagging doesn't really do it ;)

Right now, the last time any fun stuff happened between us was on our honeymoon, so I guess that was more than eight weeks ago now.

Oh well.

Not sure what else I have to say that's interesting, really. Maybe I need to watching soaps and making notes ;)

And now, for something completely different...

Who's out there and who are you? :)

That means you, Dianne ;)

...And nothing changes...

As for us...

Things are still much the same as they have been, except that now we're married.

No, we still haven't got around to some sort of councelling.

No, we didn't manage to magically sort things out on the honeymoon (Hey, I had been holding out some hope for that one).

No, we haven't been at it like a pair of Easter bunnies this weekend (Hey, I had been holding out some hope for that one) (she had a headache all weekend - yes, a real one, although whether she subconciously wanted one as an excuse, I couldn't say).

No, we haven't been all "newlyweddy" all the time and all over the place (Hey, I had been holding out some hope for that one).

And finally, no, I still haven't got the hang of writing a short post that says everything I have to say ;) (No, there wasn't much hope of that one!)

Aren't I the Hypocrite

Following on from my last post, I kept checking back here every few hours until a comment was made.

I saw one had arrived, I read it... And then did nothing really until today.

So, I'm sorry I only get around to posting every few days or weeks, whilst expecting other people to comment in mere moments.

I guess that one problem is that I don't really like to think about the fact that I have this 'ere blog. It's only a reminder of the fact that thing's ain't too perfect, and most of the time, I'm all too aware of that without needing to write about it.

And besides, all I ever do is moan and whinge. Who wants to spend their time reading about THAT? :)

So, Here I Am

Married and everything.

Ring on me finger to prove it.

I suppose I should be glad that I didn't have an intense feeling of "wrong".

Of course, it would have been nice if I had an intense feeling of "right", but that didn't happen either.

I feel a bit less stressed by it all now. It doesn't seem to be on my mind as much.

I guess that's because there isn't an event looming ahead that makes you think about it all.

When I asked her just a few days before the wedding whether she thought we should go for some counselling or something and she agreed we probably should, it was a little depressing. I wished she'd have said that when I'd mentioned it about a month earlier. Getting married with the prospect of counselling to follow just doesn't feel the right way of doing things.
We haven't done anything about it since we got back. There's a bunch of other things we do need to sort out first, before we stop procrastinating and finally get around to doing something about it.

I'm not really sure what I want to say at the moment. I just thought I'd say something, really.

Bye for now.

By the way...

Got married ;)

On honeymoon.

Bye for now

Calm

I do still feel surprising calm, and relatively positive.

Given that I now notice the time and see it is technically The Big Day, I think that's good ;)

Wish me luck! (I'll probably need it once I start trying to get to sleep ;)