A Little Late...

...But I thought people might be interested in these two pics anyway :)

They were taken just before Christmas (really! I have taken my Christmas tree down now!! :) ), and show my living room how I set it up when I first moved in:

I'm not sure why my angel acquired an aura around her there, but I thought I'd use that pic anyway :)

And then, I like to imagine a conversation something like this:
Me: "House,"
House: [Beep beep]
Me: "Reconfigure for... Company mode!"
House: [Beep beep beep!]


And my living room is still pretty much looking like that at the moment. Except with slightly fewer snacks laid out, and it's a little untidier at the moment ;)

Oh, and without the Christmas decorations! ;)

Journeying

I began thinking about this post a little while ago. I then realised a couple of other details that tied in with it, and thought that now would be great timing :)

1. As of today, my blog is one year old! So, happy birthday "Don't Blame The Stars" ! :)
2. This is also my 200th post! What great timing! :) Ok, you may all be going "Hey Monkfish! Wha'cha talking about? That says 5 posts in 2007 and 189 in 2006! You think we can't count? That's not 200, that's only 194! You SUCK!" Well, that's because I have six posts in draft status that I'll probably now either never finish writing, or never publish :) Some were rambles to myself just to get some thoughts down, some were things I started but did not finish, some may be accidental copies of "live" posts... Honestly, listen to me talking about "some", you'd think there were sixty, not six ;)

When I thought about what to write here, I realised I wanted to write about The Journey. For that reason, I decided to title it in honour of Roses' blog.

The Journey. Where has it taken me? Well, just imagine. One year ago today, I was sitting alone at my computer, writing a blog post. Today, I find myself sitting alone at my computer, writing a blog post. Oh, how things have changed! ;)

But, despite that, it has been quite a journey, hasn't it?

I guess that I began thinking about starting a blog, or posting to some forum, or joining some random community site in around November 2005. Look at that, only took me two months to make progress on that, some people can't even get around to buying a bed in that time! ;)

But you know what? I am absolutely genuinely pleased that I started this blog.

It's been great... I've got to know new people, read about things I wouldn't normally have read about, made some truely wonderful friends, shared some of my most embarassing personal information, I've ranted and raved, I've enthused, I've gossiped, and occasionally, just occasionally, I've rambled.

And you know what? I am glad I did it. I've enjoyed it.

And every single person reading this, every reader past, present and future... I thank you. Really. All I do is talk about stuff I think, and stuff that happens to me. And you lot, you bunch of weirdoes, you're actually INTERESTED in that! ;) What's up with that!? ;) But even more than that... I know that some people have actually learnt something from it. From me simply talking about what's happened to me, where I've been, where I'm going and how I think. How cool is that? :)

And I think over the course of this year, I, who I am, has changed.

I have learnt too. I've learnt from the experiences I've been through, the simple act of writing, and I've learnt from the people who read here.

I can't put a finger on how I've changed exactly, but I feel that I have. For one thing, I'm less embarassed to talk about a lot of these things. Ok, I'm still not so keen to do that in real life to people I actually know ;) but even there, I think I have made progress.
But you know what? Some of the posts I was making here months ago... They were really difficult to write. I was scared, ashamed, embarrassed. Not so much anymore. If I felt the need to, I could probably bang up a decent number of embarassing or private pieces of information, without too much 'fear'.

When I started this blog, I almost wanted someone to tell me that I was wrong. I was being stupid. That I should stop pissing about and get on with getting married, and get on with being content with what I had.

I have learnt that yeah, I did try, reasonably hard. It's not my "fault" (That doesn't necessarily place the blame on Mrs M, I'm just saying that I don't blame myself [or the stars ;)] for having arrived here).

I've learnt a lot about myself too. Who I am, how I see things. That's a little odd in some ways, because it's a slightly funny thing to come to terms with and acknowledge who you are ;)

Going forwards, I want to continue being honest and open. And rambly ;) I'm thinking I might start trying to act more on instinct and impulse too, but I'm not really sure about that yet ;)

Thank you all so very much.

Your support, friendship, cheerleading skills, insight, humour, stories, thoughts, listening ears, and sometimes quick mouths have been a true pleasure to have and know :)
I have no idea where I would be today were it not for this blog. Perhaps I would still be at home with my wife. Perhaps at home, with my wife, and lonely.

Thank you. Thank you all :)
Additional, 19/01
I was awful tired and mind wasn't thinking entirely straight by the time I finished that last night, but I really wanted to get it up for yesterday :) I don't think I conveyed quite everything I wanted to, but that's my own fault for leaving it too late :)
I think this time last year I was afraid because I didn't know where I would be a year from then.

Now? I am positive and hopeful, because I do not know where I will be a year from now :)

A LARGE PACKET OF CONDOMS, PLEASE!

I spent a while searching Google and YouTube for this comedy sketch I can remember, but I couldn't find it. All shall become clear at the end :)

Now, some brief background before this post really gets going. I hadn't really thought to "put a label on it" before last year, but I'd probably call myself agnostic. I decided last year, directly as a result of my blog and the people I have met through it (most notably Hanni and Annie), I decided to at least think about God and stuff. I can see what He does for people to a large degree, and whilst I was more than sceptical, I figured I'd at least learn about it and think about it. Now, let's be honest here, I think everyone can admit there are some Christians who are at least just a little 'nutty' ;)

Well, interestingly, it turns out they're not all as bad as you might think ;) Why, some of them seem almost normal ;) (Hey, who would want to be completely normal anyway? That's just dull :) )
I joined the Christian forum that Hanni had endorsed, and whilst it got a little duller after she left, I kept hanging around. I have even got to know several people I would call friends there :)

Now, I *think* that's enough background for this to have some meaning. Here is a copy of a post I made there on Tuesday.

This is the post I almost did not make. This is the post I had been thinking about making for weeks, but until today, it did not have meaning.

This is the post that was almost a goodbye.

I registered on F&FF back in July. I am not a Christian, and I did not come here to seek God. I would call my registration, and decision to continue to hang around, a combination of coincidence, luck, noseyness, and friendship. Others may call it something else.

In my months here, I have remained active (albeit 'actively lurking' in the main forum) - I read some threads, I occasionally comment, and I think about things. Most of all, I can be found in chat, where I would say I have made several friends. It is my friendships with Christians that have helped to keep me here, and to continue thinking about it.

Today, those same friendships almost drove me away.

I had been thinking about it recently. For all that I have learnt in my time here, all that I now understand that I did not before, it is all in my head. It is the heart that is most important in these matters, and for all the good I can see with my head, my heart has not yet chosen to follow. I think this is because for all the understanding I have in my head, it still picks up on the details.

Sometimes, someone will say something, and, not having a Bible, I would go and look something up on BibleGateway.com. For every question this answers for me, two more are raised. And this is my fear. That if I were to buy & read the Bible, I would find that it would push me away, not pull me in.

Earlier today, I happened across this thread: "Unequally Yoked".

To read this, as an unsaved non-believer, call me what you will... It hurt.

I continued to think about it for the next hour or two. I had little choice in the matter. During my lunch hour (I ended up not having any, but fortunately my colleague was out having his), the full force of some things hit me. I cried.

I believe in my heart that I am a good person. I believe this, because I try to be. I am not perfect, but I try to be all that I can be. From the start since I started thinking about it, it has always bothered me that, no matter how much of a good person I try to be, Christianity says that I will go to Hell. You may find it odd that this bothers me if I don't believe in it, but I don't think anyone would want to see themselves as going to Hell in the eyes of another.
But I hadn't thought too much about that bit in a while. Thinking about this thread though... I realised that (IMO) it's worse than that. In many ways, I am 'worse' now I understand more, than I was when I first came here. For every day that I continue to deny God, Christians should see me as evil. But I'm not evil! But to a Christian, if I am looking the facts in the face, and continuing to deny them, that should make me evil.

I thought of my friends here. I wondered what they thought of me. I could think of only three possibilities:
1. They think I'm evil
2. They believe that God is calling to me, and that one day I will listen (technically, that may put this in category 1 or 3 still, but I think I'll ignore that little quibble)
3. They do not think I'm evil

Now, ok, "evil" may have a different meaning to some people than I am thinking, but, whatever it is, if I look the facts in the face and deny them, I know that that should put me way down the list of how people should feel about me.

Now, I'll assume that with regards to my friends, 1 is not true.

For the most part, if not completely, I think most of my friends would go for option 2.

But, I wondered, for how long is this going to happen for? How long am I going to continue learning and finding more questions and denying that which I should see? When does 2 turn into 3? And if they begin to think 3, does that mean I have corrupted them? I understand what my friends believe, and I would want nothing but for them to grow in faith, not to lose it. But, as I have thought every time I have tried to help my friends here with any problem in the past, you know what they say about "good intentions". When might more harm come than good?

I felt that, until I felt different in my heart, I should leave F&FF, or I would risk damage to the faith of my friends and those I care about. I do not want that. I cried some more.

I told my boss I had a headache and went home from work - I very rarely miss any work. I went through the same thoughts, I arrived at the same conclusions. I cried some more.

I recently saw someone wonder why a nonbeliever would pray. If you can figure out the bit of logic behind this, I'd appreciate someone letting me know... As I lay on my bed and cried, I heard myself say, "I'm sorry I don't believe in You". And that's true - I am, and I don't. Just don't ask me who I was talking to :)

I began writing, and rewriting, a combination of "Goodbye" posts, and "Do you think I should leave?" PMs to people I felt may be unbiased (e.g. those who hardly know me).

At some point, as I wrote, I thought about my concern that if I were to get a Bible, it would do me more harm than good in these matters.

And then I thought... I don't know that yet though - I haven't given it that chance. I should do that before I make this decision.

And so I found myself, at 4:45pm, when I assume the shops close at 5pm, getting in to my car, to go and buy a Bible - if the shops are still open. "Let's get this over and done with, so I can know one way or the other," I thought.

Seventeen minutes later, I was in the car again. In that time I had arrived at town, parked, bought a parking ticket, ran down three flights of stairs from the car park, walked to the book shop, chosen a Bible, paid for it, walked back, ran back up three flights of stairs, and sat back in my car. There must be some sort of record there ;)

So I arrived back home with my Bible. I had glanced at a webpage about translations very quickly beforehand. The gist of it seemed to be that some are easier to read, whilst others are more accurate. In the end, I had chosen by a combination of picking a translation that I had heard of, and what I thought looked most like what I was expecting in a reasonable format. So, I have.. err.. let me look... a New International Version, with "Discover the Bible Section". Oh, and British text ;)

And I sat down in my chair, I put my Bible down beside me, and I began to.. Well, eat a packet of crisps actually (that's "potato chips" to the Americans) :) Hey, it was gone 5 by now, and I hadn't eaten all day :)

As I munched, I contemplated what I was about to do, and I thought about what I knew I was supposed to do at this point. So I did it. I put my crisps down, and I prayed. On the occasions that I do pray, it's always a little rambly and informal, but I try to say what I think. I did so here. I don't remember exactly what I said, but it was long these lines:
"Look God, I'm sorry I don't believe in you" (lol, yes, I have said that a few times, I still don't get the logic there), "I'm sorry I don't believe in you, and I'm sorry I find it difficult to not question the Bible. But, I'll try to be open as I read this. ... Well, I guess nobody does it on their own, that's the point. ... I'll try to be open, if You will try to help me be open too. Read with me, and help me to be open. Amen."

And I finished my packet of crisps. I went to pick up my Bible. I put it back down. I looked at the seat next to me. I picked up my jumper, the half-eaten bag of cheese straws, a couple of sweet wrappers waiting to go to the bin, and I cleared the seat. I looked up.
"Come, sit with me while I read."
I had decided a symbolic gesture may help.

And so we come to the point where I picked up my Bible and opened it. And, let's face it, I needed a miracle to have a sudden change of heart. As I would expect, that miracle did not occur...

This is what I read:

(Ecclesiastes 9)
2 All share a common destiny—the righteous and the wicked, the good and the bad, [a]the clean and the unclean, those who offer sacrifices and those who do not.

As it is with the good man,
so with the sinner;
as it is with those who take oaths,
so with those who are afraid to take them.

3 This is the evil in everything that happens under the sun: The same destiny overtakes all. The hearts of men, moreover, are full of evil and there is madness in their hearts while they live, and afterward they join the dead. 4 Anyone who is among the living has hope [b] —even a live dog is better off than a dead lion!

And I realised... I may not have had a sudden revelation today. I may not have one tomorrow, or this year, or this decade. But as long as I am alive, there is always hope.

I flicked back and forth around that page a bit to get some context, but nothing else leaped out at me. So I decided to come back here, and not to write a Goodbye post.

Well, there you go, that's all I can tell you of where I am. Ironically enough, I genuinely have developed a headache by now. Oh, and in case you wondered, no, I'm really not normally this emotional, but I'm going through a bunch of other stuff at the moment that tends to amplify everything else, so between that and thinking I should walk away from my friends... Well, you know :)
I still have the same concerns about really reading it, but until then, I'll just have to wait and see what happens.

Phew! What a day.

Buying that Bible was, I must admit, almost a bit embaressing.

I remembered seeing a comedy sketch years ago (I couldn't find it on YouTube - I think it was from Not The Nine O'Clock News [YouTube here, or here], or Smith & Jones, or Fry & Laurie, or something like that) where someone walked into a chemist and was happy for the whole shop to hear he wanted to buy condoms, but was dreadfully embarassed to be buying some paracetamol (or something), and I had amusing visions of doing this:

"Hello, I'D LIKE A BOOK ON EMBARASSING GENITAL WARTS, this month's COPY OF LESBIAN SPANK INFERNO,a _Bible, and throw me in that 2007 CALENDAR OF MARGARET THATCHER POSES WITH HER PIN-UP PARLIAMENT PLAYMATES"
"Certainly Sir, what translation?"
"_Any, the extra large one with the full-colour photographs."

[purile snickering]

But it's strange, isn't it? Of everything I've written above (it was a very long and emotionally intense day), it's the religion that's kind of the embarassing bit. But, that's partly exactly why I wanted to blog it here too :)

I know I can be good at understanding stuff, and I know I can be good at explaining stuff. I can, sometimes ;), make something complicated make sense. I've never "disbelieved" in God, and I think I'm likely to come at the end of all this with a greater belief in something. I'm still not sure it will resemble much of Christianity (I struggle with the Jesus part, which is kind of important ;) but I'm trying not to think about that right now), but that meant I worry about being able to potentially change what someone else believes without even intending to. I'm not so worried about causing someone to lose faith as enough people have pointed out that that wouldn't be my fault (not that I'd want to be a 'trigger') that I can understand it. But...

I just don't really want to change what (or how?) people believe in what they believe, in a way that they (and what they believe) would not be happy with.

So I thought perhaps I should walk away from some of my friends there then. Take that danger away from them.

I think I couldn't really deal with the thought of walking away from more people that I know care about me. Not at the moment. And so, that thought became an ugly trigger. Ugly, if you must know, with all my nose-blowing and tears streaming uncontrollably down my face.

Funny the way these things can come out.

And, after a terrible night last night, I really meant to go to bed earlier today. Not 2am again. Gah. You know, ignoring even the experience, simply the time spent writing these two posts (the 'embedded' one, and this surrounding one), I think I must have spent at least four-five hours writing. Blimey.

Well, on that note, there's probably more I feel I would/should/could say, but I think it's time for bed.

Comments, opinions, beliefs, disbelief, money, sausages, or anything you feel like, welcome in response to this post. If you've had some thoughts while reading this, go ahead, post them. The input will be interesting :)

It Snowed In 2005

Exactly one year before our wedding, boy, did it snow!

It was quite strange. The day before was just 'average' weather, the day after was 'average' weather and the snow was melting. But that day with exactly one year to go, it came out of nowhere and was inches thick!

It did make us wonder what the weather would be like on that same day one year later. As it happens, on that same day in 2006, it didn't snow. It was more than a little nippy, but there was a gloriously blue sky. We were lucky, it was a lovely day :)

I thought I'd make use of the time I had yesterday, particularly given the reasons I had ended up having it, so had decided to watch our wedding video to see if it 'forced' anything out.

Mostly, I watched it with a smile on my face and a tear in my eye. Not too far removed in some ways from how many would watch a wedding (Externally, I think that's how it would have appeared).

I even watched my speech. It was poor. Very poor.

I do not really like to be reminded of it. There are more silent gaps than there are words, and there are more "erms" than there are words. This is 'disappointing' and embarrassing in itself for me, however I think the real difficulty for me is considering the cause for this.

Because I think the reason is, the closer our wedding drew, the less I liked to think about it. The first time I did any genuine preparation for my speech was to make a few notes... Very late at night, on the final night before the wedding. People to thank, and some things to mention. Nothing structured, just notes.

I decided I'd get back to it a little more the next day. Believe it or not, things have a habit of being quite busy on your wedding day, and I never found that opportunity ;)

I figured I'd at least have a chance to review my notes during the meal or something... Until just before then I found out just before we sat down for it, that Mrs M's Dad wanted to do them before we ate. Ah.
Listening to... my Father-In-Law's speech, I decided to not even say half of what I had thought about the night before. His speech was quite short, and to the point, and I felt that I didn't want to ramble on. On the other hand, all the more reason to do so ;) Especially as my Best Man had managed to completely wangle his way out of making one ;)
So, I didn't get my notes out, and I tried to just say the thank yous.

It's embarrassing, it really is.

So, anyway, a bit of a mixed reaction as I watched the whole thing back - as you'd expect - but nothing strong.

Nothing to come close to what I went through the day before (i.e. Tuesday just gone), and that was so very random :)
I've already written the events of that day down, but I need to add some introductory ramble for the sake of my blog, and I may go back over what I wrote and do an 'analysis' of my thoughts too. Anyway, I'll try to do that later today, as that's what I'd wanted to get blogged up yesterday :)

A Date with My Wife

I had a date with my wife on Saturday. I didn't think of it as that, but other people called it that, and then I figured "Well, I suppose that's what it is" :)
I'd have blogged about it sooner, but I, err, didn't ;) Some people have already come nosing up to me to get any gossip that was to be had, so blame them ;)

Right now, it becomes an issue because I think, "Oh, I wanted to blog about that", and I have something else I want to blog, but I don't feel I should blog that until I've blogged this. Phew. Got that? ;)

We'd picked a place to go (nowhere all that special, but somewhere). When we got there, it turned out it had closed :) I hadn't thought up a specific "Plan B", beyond "Oh well, if it's closed we'll just go somewhere else". That sort of thing doesn't really bother me, but my wife's not a fan. It's like getting lost to a degree. I mean ok, so even if you do get lost and have no idea where you are, it's not like you're going to suddenly spend the rest of your life there. You can always find your way back home sooner or later.
Feel free to either take that at face value, or to extend it to a deep and meaningful philosophical level ;)

Under the circumstances, it went reasonably well. I had been a little apprehensive before hand other whether it would feel too pressured or stressful, but it seemed ok. Even talking about how we had both been doing went reasonably well.

Before Christmas, I knew she'd not been doing terribly well. Certainly, I may have said, she had asked me in general not to ask how she was doing - under the circumstances, it can (quite reasonably) provoke a "How do you think I'm doing!?" sort of response. Anyway, she said back then she was quite often having takeout food, and on the occasions that she hadn't done, she was tending to just plain not eat.

It sounds like she handled Christmas and New Year reasonably well (under the circumstances), although she said she almost cried when it took me several hours to respond to a txt she sent on Christmas Day. I hadn't been awake when she sent it, and when I did see it, I didn't remember to reply as I was running around getting ready... and then eating... and then opening pressies... so it was a little while before I remembered ;)

She said she something inside her had 'clicked' a bit recently, and that she had got on top of things. She'd got bored of ready meals (hence the takeout), but she has started to try to cook a little now. Although she did say she'd "only" had takeout twice since she got back, and I thought given she had only been back four nights that sounded quite a lot ;) (But didn't say that - she seemed happy).

She said it was my buying the earrings that had helped her to 'click'. She had always felt that with my wanting to buy proper furniture and stuff here, it felt like I'd already made up my mind. The earrings (which she was wearing) (w-earring? - sorry, sorry) were a thoughtful present, and she thought it didn't seem like something you'd get someone if you thought you wanted to get away from them. I reminded her that I have not made a decision in either direction.

In terms of how I'm doing, I was honest about that too. Reasonably well. At this time, I don't feel I have missed her much.

So, potentially a bit of a kick in the teeth there, but overall, the evening still went fairly well.

What I think about her when she's not here is one thing. I do need to continue to see her sometimes, in ways like this, and think about how I feel when I *am* with her too, though.
At this time, I'm not really sure what that feeling is. It didn't feel as 'bad' as before, or only just after, we were seeing each other a bit before I moved out. It didn't feel wrong, but it also didn't feel right.
That's the best I can tell you at this time.

Speaking of which... I'm off sick from work today. I'm not actually sick, but I'll explain how I arrived at this point later. Right now? I think I'm going to go watch our wedding video. lol, I have *no* idea what *that* is going to bring out ;)

If 2007 Remains This Busy...

...It'll be a bloody busy year ;)

First of all, Happy New Year to you all. I realise technically that's a little late, but I think I've already said it to most in one way or another, so my apologies if this is the first time you've heard it from me :)

I did nothing of any real interest on New Year's Eve, which is good, because that's pretty much what I wanted to do :) I just wanted a fairly quiet one really. Now, despite having said it was of no real interest, I'll give a quick summary anyway. Prepare for off-the-scale excitement, then ;)
I felt a little down early/mid evening, after I remembered that it marked pretty much eight years to the day that Mrs M and I had effectively first expressed an interest in exploring what was between us, and just thought about all sorts of stuff in general really. But, enough of that, I had a shower, went for a short walk (in about my first week here, I found a slightly raised bit nearby, with a bit of a view over the town - nice spot for random contemplative thinking), and came back feeling far more positive :)
As midnight ticked over, I sat alone, nobody around in real life, no conversation in progress online, and nobody on the phone. Which was great, because that was exactly what I wanted :) I'd pondered it in the days leading up to NYE, and decided I didn't want to make that 'commitment' to anyone.
I read Ing's post about uncertainty with interest, having already decided that I was effectively seeking that uncertainty. Let's take this year one step-at-a-time, and see where I end up.

I spoke for a short while on the phone with both my family and then with Mrs M a little after midnight.

Yesterday marked two years since I proposed to Mrs M. It seems strange to think it's not even a year since we got married, and here I am now. Strange, or silly perhaps, but not something I regret. Better here for the moment, than elsewhere but unhappy. On a day-to-day basis at the moment, I would say I am content. Satisfied with my current lot in life, perhaps, until I know where I'm headed from here.

Today is Mrs M's birthday.

And, just to throw in a few more things for her to think about (just in case she doesn't already have enough), it's not just her birthday. That's right, it's her 30th birthday. Just what she needs right now, I'm sure ;)

She just got back from her parents yesterday (she went up there before I finished work, and came back after I started - pff, it's alright for some! ;) ), and she's popping over to mine this evening. We did discuss going out for a meal, but then she remembered she has a therapist appointment this evening, so may reschedule for the weekend.

I have bought her a book and some earrings. I think for 'significantly number' birthdays, you want something 'lasting'. Of course, I'm sure all she would really want is her husband back. I need to be very careful with contact and presents and stuff - not to give her the wrong idea, or that I am leaning back in her direction or anything. It's a fine line I'm trying to balance on.

It's difficult though. It's still early yet, but based on my general feeling of contentedness, I would be inclined to suspect that I could lean the other direction at the end of this. But, at the same time... She's My Mrs M, and I care about her, and I want to do stuff that makes her happy. And that to an extent will always be true. But if I'm not leaning in her direction, all I'll do is hurt and confuse her.
Anyway, as I said, you can see why it's a careful balancing act.

Still, I'm doing ok in general as I said, I just thought I'd keep you all updated :) Right, now, I have to stop pissing about and get on with some work ;)

Busy busy...

Random Dumping

Right, I should have gone to bed earlier (I was tired & sleepy) but I wanted to get some things done first, so I didn't. And now? Having just gone to bed? I decided I'm not only not sleepy, but also seem to be hungry. On top of that, I've a hundred random things floating through my thoughts.

So, by snacking while blogging, perhaps I can eliminate some of those problems ;)

Oh... And I'll get my council tax payments sorted out too. I keep thinking of that when I can't do anything about it and then not thinking to do anything when I can. That'll be something else off my mind so I don't need to worry about leaving it too late.
...Right, that's that sorted.

You know, I cannot for the life of me imagine why, but I happened to 'notice' the lyrics to this song earlier...

And I'm thinking, thinking, thinking, think
Thinking till I'm nearly dead
Do you remember when you were young?
Do you remember what your mother said?

She said, don't ever think, ever think, ever think too much
and don't ever think, ever think, ever think too much
and don't ever think, ever think, ever think too much
and don't ever think, ever think, ever think too much

So that's Don't Ever Think (Too Much) by The Zutons. Ho hum. ;)

I think I had a pretty good Christmas, all things considered. Oh, it even started a little early when I received a surprise 'present' on Christmas Eve Eve :) (Well if Christmas get an 'Eve', surely Christmas Eve can have one too? ;) )
I can't say I specifically missed Mrs M over Christmas. But then I don't really in general at the moment. Hey, my crisps have a "best before" of only February! That's only like three months since I bought them. Bit of a rip off. (Err, sorry, I just finished a packet of crisps and the empty packet is sitting in front of me)

...When anyone asks, I relate it to a weekend alone. Everyone likes a nice weekend alone for a change. It's like that, but long. I assume a bunch of stuff will properly hit me at some point.
Why do I assume that? Well, I catch tiny hints occasionally now... And... If I don't, I think it suggests things were worse than I realised. And I'd feel guilty for not feeling anything. Most of what I do feel at the moment is guilt.

I've not regretted my decision at all (yet). I wonder at the fact I'm looking at buying expensive things like a bed and a sofa and lots of furniture, as it does not suggest temporary. On the other hand, I haven't actually bought any of those things yet ;) So maybe sub-conciously I don't want to do that... Or perhaps, just perhaps, I'm not so good at making decisions ;) Well, I think that varies. In this case, I've just not really formed enough of an opinion on anything yet.
Oh, I don't think I want a divan base on a bed though. As I've said earlier today, I don't think the drawers would be THAT useful, and a great big space could be useful if you have something obscure to put under it...
Also, it's a great hiding place, under the bed! ;) I can't tell you how many times I nipped under the bed to surprise Mrs M when she came up and I was nowhere to be seen ;) Hey, yes it's silly, but does it matter if it gets a smile? :)

I have felt for some time that I suspect at some point, even if I decide I do regret where I am and want to go back, I am going to have to challenge myself and confront some of my worries. Still, I've always liked a good challenge ;)

After all, as Ripley said in Aliens... "I say we take off and nuke the whole goddamn place from orbit."

Oh wait, I wanted the next line...

"It's the only way to be sure."

I think I'm done for now. I've got some more generic Christmassy bits I'd like to blog at some point, but they're not important to right now and all that's zipping through my mind.

Ah, and as The Feeling - Never Be Lonely plays, I remember hearing Jakatta - Ever So Lonely earlier. Well bugger me, being an uneducated heathen when it comes to music, I only just found out that was a cover of a song by Monsoon in the early 80s. Completely failed to be able to check the lyrics though. Strange how some songs have like 100 pages up with lyrics but others don't seem to have any. Anyway, I remember when I first heard that song I simply liked it. But in times since then, and I'm talking quite some time ago here (I think before I had even thought about starting a blog), feeling sad as I thought about it. Gosh, what a musical post this has turned into!

Well. Not a musical post. It's not loading a song in the background now, or some terrible plinky-plonky ring-tone to play at you ;)

But... anyway. There's everything that's gone through my mind. Perhaps if my brain were in a reasonable state I would continue my path of denial on some of that as usual ;) (Well, not denial... more just... public non-admittance ;)

[yawn]

Slightly less hungry now. Still not actually sleepy, just bloody tired. I think I'll flop onto my sofa. It may be inflatable, but it's still floppable onto :)
Oh, although sitting on it much in my trainers isn't a good thing. I seem to turn into a large battery.

Good night ;) Congratulations on making it through my ramble to the end ;)

Merry Christmas One and All

Wrapping presents until 12:30am Christmas morning is a perfectly normal thing to do.

As is taking a short jaunt around the M25, departing town at 1:40am. Funny, was even quite quiet ;)

Will I be awake to see the other end of Christmas morning? Uch, I'll get back to you ;)

Have a wonderful time everyone.

This week I harrv been mostly...

- Feeling thankful towards all my wonderful friends, both in real life and online, who wished me a happy birthday :)
- Hanging decorations... Something I need to do more of now, after most fell down. I bought some drawing pins, so perhaps they'll help, but I want to be very careful about where I use them.
- Getting ready to wrap presents.
- Getting ready for when my parents & sister come over on Sunday.
- Getting ready to go back with my parents & sister on Sunday.
- Wishing Mrs M Happy Christmas as she headed off to her parents for Christmas.
- Being glad I don't need to go in to work for a while :) (And also: Spending 2.5 hours at the pub on Friday, yet also actually managed to do some work in the afternoon)
- Getting into the Christmas spirit.
- Throwing away cream cakes after greatly over-buying, and nobody being able to manage (m)any the next day. (I'm truely very, very sorry ;)
- Inflating my two sofas, and wondering how I will rearrange the furniture in the room. I'm thinking I'll move my desk to the other end of the room. Trying to also consider the layout that I'll want when I have more stuff. Oh, I think I'm happy with where my Christmas tree is though :)
- Speaking of which, it's probably a good job most houses don't have round rooms. If I can spend this long thinking about four walls, I may die of old age in a round room ;)
- Gossiping, and having some very enjoyable natters :)
- (Hopefully) enough shopping to tide me over the holiday period, as well as for everyone on Sunday.
- Causing a mess in every room within mere moments of my tidying it ;)

Speaking of which, how many presents do you think I had wrapped after this little mess?



That's... Seven rolls of wrapping paper, two pairs of scissors, Sellotape (sorry, is that "sticky tape"? ;), assorted bits of ribbon, bow and gift tags, one pen (the other was a present for someone at work that I forgot I needed to wrap by Friday), one Christmas card, two presents which are there because it's where I happened to empty that bag, one Netgear wireless box to have something to lean on while I wrote.

And the answer?


Yes, it takes me a long, long time to do any wrapping ;) (Not helped by the fact that I had to do a lot of running around trying to remember where I had hid some of my accessories, cooking my tea at the same time, and helping someone with his network issues. Phew!)

I'll be on and around over Christmas to wish people a Merry Christmas, but if I don't see you...

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, my friends! :)

Bare Faced Bloomin' Cheek

Look at this!

Look at this!

When will I get a new car?
Well, let’s put it this way, I take longer to make that decision than IM does to choose a bed!

Can you believe the cheek of some people!?

Would you like to explain to me, please, what exactly it is that is wrong with my bed?



See, that's a perfectly fine bed, that is!

Got my lamp on the bed-side cabinet there, and a clock too.

And yes, before you ask, it is mine! :-P

So there. Dianne, I demand an apology.

...

[Clears throat]

Come on then.

I'm waiting.

...


[Inspector Monkfish attempts to look innocent]

[Inspector Monkfish looks suspicious attempting to look innocent]

[Inspector Monkfish attempts to whistle innocently]

What!?

Fine, if you don't believe it's my bed, here's another picture, to prove it's mine.

After all, they do say perspective is everything...



What!? ;)

Ok, so just because I think the lamp and the clock may be about to fall over, and it took me some time to balance my airbed on top of those two boxes, it doesn't mean it's not a perfectly nice bed! ;)

Anyway, I can't hang around here all day. I need to go and put my boxes back ;)

5,000

No, that's not how old I feel ;)

But it is the total number of page loads that I've had since I added a counter at the start of June.

Just happened to notice it was a nice round number :) Northern Monkey wins the prize for being the 5,000th hit. Not that I have a prize, you understand, but still, it's the thought that counts ;)

Meanwhile, the courier companies got together today to belay my fears of gifts I had ordered online not arriving for Christmas :)

Which was nice. :)

Had some slightly down-pangs today (popped out at lunch to get my last two Christmas cards - as I said yesterday, choosing one for my wife was difficult), but overall my good mood from last night has carried through :) Had a later night than I was intending last night (thanks to a delightful unexpected online encounter, complete with plenty of juicy gossip, etc. ;), but woke up well this morning. I'd even have been on time were it not for the twenty minutes it took me organising my food together into bags and defrosting the car ;)

Plus, I now have a vast amount of food on my desk (two tubs of biscuity things, four packets of Walkers Sensations, three packets of peanuts), and a vast number of cream cakes downstairs, ready to stop work and spend an hour eating & chatting when we have the next round of tea :)

Mixed

Been a bit of a mixed day.

Felt stressed after I got up thinking about work. There's still stuff I'm behind on that I know I should be better at and should (could) have done. Oh well.

Was running around town and stuff today buying various things.

- Got my hair cut (hmm, I seem to be getting it cut more often recently... but then I always used to feel I didn't get it cut enough, so I guess it swings both ways)
- Bought some Christmas cards. I feel I should buy one for my wife, but... it's not easy. You read what they say, and they're kind of all taking the piss at the moment given our situation. Selection appears to have been slightly narrowed by of the three "big chain" card shops in town, Birthdays has closed leaving two separate Clintons.
- Bought two inflatable sofas. One is now inflated. I was going to buy one sofa (when did I start saying 'sofa' instead of 'setee' I wonder?) and two chairs, but they had no chairs, but they did have two sofas :)
- Bought a vast amount of cream cakes and other random nibbly things. It's my birthday tomorrow (along with the whole host of thoughts that brings with it - from being 27 - which is definitely not arguably 'mid-twenties' anymore, to that making it six years since I think of us as having first/last had sex. Great), and it's company policy that you buy cream cakes on your birthday. It's my own personal policy that I shall buy lots of things that look good and forget how many people I'm buying for, leaving us with vast excesses of food :D
- Bought a quilt, cover, and sheets from Roseby's, who claimed to be having a sale. Still, not bad for just over £50. No bed yet, but I can still use with airbed and at least will feel more like a proper bed, until I have a proper bed. Is what I figure.
- Definitely been feeling a bit more... mixed... as a result of everything recently. Can just feel it looming more ominously. Not sure what it is I'm feeling specifically (if anything yet), just concious of feeling a bit more 'wibbly' in general (a term Mrs M used to use to describe that state).
- Had had something delivered to Mrs M's so picked that up earlier while she was at work (she did know :). Was the first time I'd actually been back in the daylight since I'd left, so that was a little odd, actually seeing it more.
- Thought she had done a nice job with her Christmas decorations.
- Noticed three of the five lights in the house have changed :) (Well, tube in kitchen had just recently broken, and we never liked shade in the living room, so glad she was able to get that light changed [it was attached to the shade], and a new shade at the top of the stairs)
- Following recent dumb-founded astonishment from both Roses and Ing that I had nothing alcoholic in the house, bought some random bottles of alcyhol. Well, not entirely as a result of their astonishment, as I'd been thinking about it for a while, but didn't want to when I had a lot to carry. That reminds me, I still need to make a third trip down to the car ;)
- Ordered pizza tonight, my first delivered take-out here (and only my second fast food at all). Hoped I'd be able to finish downloading the first episode of The Hogfather before pizza arrived, but the download stalled half-way. Leaving all those other bastards with Sky to watch the second half. Bastards! :)
- Had a few vodka & cokes with pizza. Now have a large chunk of chocolate log :)
- Inflated (originally said "blew up", but felt that was ambiguous ;) one of the blow-up sofas, and watched a Stargate SG-1 ep from it while eating pizza and drinking vodka & coke. We started watching SG-1 early this year, after I bought Mrs M the film. I'd remembered her saying she'd not seen it in a while, so we watched it, and then she commented she'd like to see all the episodes from the TV series on order. Downloaded the first couple before the film had finished playing :D (I love the Internet ;) ). We watched most of the first series as something to do on honeymoon, and had watched up to mid-way series 5 together since then. It does feel a little odd to be watching it alone as I have been.
- Decided to give out my contact details to those who had requested them. Anyone else who would like them, or who would like updated details, should let me know.
- Was a little low earlier. Feeling better for pizza, vodka, coke, sofa, Stargate, cake, phone call to my parents/sister, or good online company. One or all of the above ;)

Ummm... I think that's about it! ;)

Check Aht Mah Groovy Christmas Tree!

Good, innit? :)

What? What do you mean, "I can barely see it" !? Well, ok, you could try this one, but it looks kind of flat being all lit. Unfortunately, I'm taking all these pictures on my phone at the moment, since my sister maliciously STOLE my proper camera! Stole it I tell you! Cheeky cow. :)

But anyway, if I had that, I'd whip my mini tripod out (calm down, ladies), and snap a few off with that, which ought to show it better :)


Here's a close-up of my pretty angel :)


I made a light to go above her because she couldn't really be seen :) I bought a battery-operated li'l lamp thingy from B&Q, then took a bit of card, lined one side with tin foil and the other side with wrapping paper, wrapped it around my lamp, and woila! Instant angel illumination :) Suspended from on high by "white-tac" though, so I'm a tad nervous it could come crashing down ;)

And, after I spotted this and thought of Roses' recent post, here's just the one more:

Well, I say "one more"... I mean for tonight, obviously ;) If you think I'm done yet, you've another thing coming ;)

Thunderbirds Are Go!

Well, Manda mentioned that seeing me online, and it seemed as good an expression as any ;)

As with the post just prior to this one, I thought I'd take the opportunity to post a few pics that I've taken recently but hadn't got around to uploading :)

5...
Microsoft Windows. Microsoft Office. Microsoft mice and keyboards. Microsoft XBox. Microsoft Halo. What's this?

...Why, it must be Microsoft Cutlery ;)

4...
Here's how I ended my first night...


3...
Here's a pic I took around the next day. I think I need to find out about getting a shelf there ;)

(My shaver's a self-cleaning jobby so stays plugged in all the time - not that the lead will reach! :) )

2...
My kitchen-related purchases from Sunday just gone :) (Except the kettle. That just looks good ;) )


1...
My Christmas tree as of a few nights ago. I just managed to find some more decorations that I wanted today, so it should be getting a spruce up soon :D


Thunderbirds Are Go!

Evolution

7th December


11th December


14th December


That's better. I'd needed a clock in there ;)

Steady Progress

I think that overall, I'm happy with the amount of progress I'm making in terms of getting myself sorted out :)

I've now managed to buy a lot of those little things that technically you can do without, but realistically it's a pain to do without :)

Such as:

• An airer (£30 from Homebase - spotted same one later in Tesco for £22) (I needed somewhere to hang washing) (Not COMPLETELY got the washer/dryer figured yet - took some towels out the other day which had a good hour+thirty mins drying time, and yet were so hot I could barely touch them, but so wet I could wring them out in the sink! Also, looks like if I use the dryer function I may very well actually have to do some ironing - to do: buy ironing board ;) or: wear more jumpers ;) )
  
• More glasses. I bought four small-medium sized ones (there was a collection of glasses for various spirits when I moved in - no 'normal' glasses) from Asda on the first day or so, but they were too small as I kept having to refill my glass half way through a meal :) So I bought four pint glasses from Tesco. I'll buy a set of proper ones at some point :)
  
• A bath mat (to stand on when you get out the bath, not one that goes in it) (Still want a rug/mat to go around the basin pedestal and the toilet)
  
• A toilet brush (Stainless steel, £5 from Tesco)
  
• A drainer (Stainless steel, £5 from Tesco - BUT, I notice it's missing one rubber foot, and it doesn't have anywhere to put your cutlery!)
  
• Cutlery. I had been thinking on going for some proper 18/10 stainless steel stuff, but I had trouble meeting my criteria for style, quality, cost and availability. I.e. there was one lot I quite liked in John Lewis, but it was bloody expensive (Roughly £5/item). I also quite liked an Arthur Price set, BUT it was designed by Laurence Llewellyn-Bowen, and I'm not sure I could admit to buying it ;) So in the end I went for the cheaper 18/0 set from Argos :) Oh! To do: Buy cutlery tray thingy for drawer.
  
• Saucepans (Tefal; 3 saucepans, frying pan, wok - £50 from .. from .. somewhere in town that I forgot the name of. High-street shop, think it was someone's name (Like "John Lewis", but less posh ;)
  
• LOADS of kitchen utensils, containers for tea/coffee/sugar, biscuit tin. Good value from Wilkinsons - saw some stuff that looked very similar later for 3x the price in Marks & Spencer.
  
• A Christmas tree! :) Yay! :) 6footer from B&Q, was only like £7.65 or something daft (I happened to go in when it was 20% off all Christmas decorations).
  
• Lights for Christmas tree (white, multi-function). Also from B&Q, also for £7.65 or something. Might rearrange them again yet, as they're a little uneven. I don't have any tinsel yet. It seems to be in short supply.
  
• A tape measure. I took the majority of my toolbox contents (screwdrivers, wrenches, pliers, hammers), but left behind the tape measure as Mrs M was 'always' measuring things :)
  
• Coloured Christmas lights. Not worked out where to put them yet. Got one big multi-function set and a small set. They take the same bulbs, so bought several spares at the same time :) (From Wilkinsons)
  
• Baking trays (Woolworths), and a holey one (advertised for chips, but did a good job with a pizza) (Tescos).
  
• A set of kitchen knives. Again, I'd been pondering how much I wanted to spend on these (I wanted a 'decent' set, but I don't know enough or make enough use to go spending vast amounts), so got a set of 6 for £20 from Argos.
  
• A touch lamp from Homebase. Was a right bugger tucking up into bed last night and then going "Oh bollocks! I left the light on!" It's surprisingly tricky getting into and out of a sleeping bag on an airbed. A small wriggle turns into a bigger bounce ;)
  

I'm dead chuffed that I have a tree up :) And that I got so much kitchen stuff. Most of the kitchen stuff that had been left was a bit manky, and I'd wanted some non-stick pans. I've now filed away the glasses, cutlery, knives, kettle, and general kitchen utensils that came with the place. I'm still using their crockery at the moment, but I can live with that for a bit and concentrate on more important things. Like even a bed perhaps ;)
Now, that WILL take some thinking about ;) Fortunately, I think there are like three... No, four places with a lot of beds nearby.

Hmm, or maybe I should sleep on it... ;)

Mickey Waves

Remembered to get myself some oven gloves while shopping last night. They'll do for the time being ;) Started to get my fridge, freezer, and cupboards stocked up now too :)

I put my desk/table together last night (we had a spare in storage), so I now have somewhere to sit. Also got the PS2 out the box (I forgot how tiny these new ones are!) and checked it worked (no time to actually play though), and my new monitor. It occurred to me that my whizzy new 20.1" widescreen monitor is now bigger than my aging 14" telly ;) Haven't used the monitor yet, as unfortunately they shipped it with a European power adapter. Under normal circumstances, I'd probably have a few spares kicking around, but not today. Nabbed one from work for the time being ;)

Anyway, I did today finally get around to ordering a microwave, having spent countless hours staring inanely (or insanely? ;) at them. I quite liked the look of the Samsung ones (feature-wise it sounded clever, and it was black, which I thought looked quite nice, and I think it would go with appliances of any other colour in the kitchen), but I don't think it looked practical to use for everyday things.
Took the KISS points from everyone on board (That's "Keep It Simple, Stupid"), and went for a nice "microwave-only" jobbie which comes without grill, convection oven, and kitchen sink attachment. I didn't want a white one as they're booooring. The stainless steel ones look like they'll be a bugger to keep free of finger prints... But I ordered one anyway.

So I ordered one of these li'l numbers from John Lewis, as recommended by Good Housekeeping magazine, don't you know ;) Was 'only' £124 including delivery, courtesy of a £15 off voucher I was able to 'locate' ;) That might sound a lot for a microwave these days, but given the amount I'm likely to use it, might as well go for a quality one ;) If it lasts ten years, that's only just over £12/year, which is well worth it in my book :)

My ever-lasting search for quality at a justifiable value/price-point continues... ;) (i.e. I'm a tight git, but I'm happy to spend money if it seems worthwhile ;)

Next on my list? Hmm, in the immediate future, I think I need an airer, or at least somewhere to things I wash. I haven't used the washing machine yet, and ought to give it an empty spin first just to give it a rinse out. I haven't got around to doing that yet, as I want to 1. Do that when I'm there, and 2. Not do it too late at night.
I also still need to file away a lot of food I've bought in the kitchen and make homes for everything. Then I still want to give everywhere a good going over with the vacuum cleaner (I nabbed our Dyson from home, as that was something my work clubbed together and bought us as a wedding present), as I think that would help the carpets look better. Again though, it's so noisy, I don't want to do that too late at night.

Oh, so busy! :)

"Well, that went about as well as could be expected..."

Had a busy evening. 'Home2' first with new monitor and Playstation. Oh, and I was able to clean the funny blue stain out of the bathroom basin too :D And plugged in the phones too charge. Oh! And pumped up the airbed ;) Then out via Currys to look at microwaves for a bit. Hmm, do I want one with a grill? Or even a convection oven? See you ask me a question about computers and I know what to look for in a computer, or if not, where to find out. But where's a good site filled with microwave reviews!? :)
Some of the Samsung ones look kind of nice (and have grills and convection ovens), but they're a little pricey. They also have this "Smart Cook" feature of something, which alledgedly scans a special barcode on stuff and then uses a combination of all three things to cook it "perfectly". I'm sceptical on that for starters, before even pondering how much stuff has this special barcode. And it feels like being TOO lazy ;)

Anyway, then off to 'Home1' with Mrs M who had ordered Chinese for us both. Chomped through that swiftly, while looking for a manual for the hot water tank and one of the storage heaters that I don't have manuals for. Not figured the water tank out yet... It has two switches on the wall that enter different points on the same tank. Only one switch has a light on it though, so I'm not sure if both are needed, or only one, or one is optional, or... Who knows :)

Anyway. Then dismantled my PC and ran madly around the house for some time getting all the other "last bits and pieces" together.
I think I arrived back at 'Home2' around 10:30. Played with my phones for a bit and was pleased to see line seems happy :) Kudos to BT this time ;)
Cleaned the bath... Had a shower... Went to bed. :) Slept ok once I had stopped squiggling (I like that word :) around in my bag.

And was only 2mins late this morning! ;)

Fortunately, the ADSL checker had turned around today to allow me to place an order. PHEW! :) So, I've placed an order a li'l while ago :)

Anyway. I'm off to look at microwaves again. And then to do some shopping.

Off Into The Sunset...

Right, I'm dismantling my computer now, and will be spending my first night in my home away from home tonight.

I think BT were able to activate the phoneline today, but how long it'll take for ADSL to get installed, I do not know. I remember checking it could get ADSL, but rather ominously the checker today told me:

Your exchange has ADSL broadband.

However, despite an engineer's visit to your premises it has been proved not possible for your telephone line to support broadband service. Please accept our apologies. We are continuing to look for alternative technology solutions and this site will be updated with developments as they happen.

Thank you for your interest.

eek!

Hopefully once they've actually realised the phoneline is active that may change.

In the meantime, take care all :)

I'll still be on from work, and at least I'll have plenty of time to clean & shop during the evenings and weekends ;)
(Oh, also, I got a new Playstation 2 [I left the old one for Mrs M] and a new 20" widescreen LCD monitor to play with ;) )
Oh! And Mrs M told me we had an electric pump that I have now nicked after explaining my problem to her ;)

Anyway. See you all when I see you :)

Oh, anyone who wants any other contact details should, err, contact me ;) (Via e-mail or something - as I say, I'll still check them from work)

Right then. Here goes!

Busy Busy Busy Busy Tired

So, came back from my parents with my sister in her car.

Chained her to my new kitchen where I forced her to clean it, whilst I sodded off to move more things around ;)

Several trips back-and-forth, and a trip to-and-from storage as well sees me now fairly well prepared. Oh, a couple of trips to Asda helped with that too :)
Speaking of which... What's up with that! I went to buy a pack of two DECT (cordless) phones from Asda... I just couldn't though! Couldn't!

You know why? They were EXACTLY the same price as a pack of three phones! Same model, same manufacturer (BT), same bloody price down to the penny! What's up with that!? :) Who could manage to buy two, even if they only wanted two? :)

Home at the moment. Probably move computer tomorrow. Not slept there yet, and still here tonight too.

Sorry, little rambly, bit tired (lots of to'ing-and-fro'ing and carrying and lifting). Off to bed now, night night :)