Huzzah! :D

Back in early January, the Microsoft UK Developer Launch Event of Windows Vista and Microsoft Office 2007 occurred. This was a few weeks ahead of the "public" launch.

I had been pondering for some time leading up to the launch about what to do regarding purchasing these products. There are some very nifty-looking new features in both - Office especially interests me. Basically, Microsoft has been adding features in to Word for years and years, but they've stuck with the same menus & toolbars for probably about 15 years now, too.
When they put out surveys to find out what features people want in Microsoft Office 2007, you know what they found out? The most asked-for features were already in there, but people didn't know it!

So, Microsoft have concentrated this release of Office not on adding features or improving existing ones, so much as actually making all of the existing features easier to find and use.

I thought this looked pretty interesting, and wondered at the best way to (legally ;) ) obtain the software. I was once an "MSDN" subscriber, which is where Microsoft send you all their new software for a year... But that costs around £1800, and I didn't really want to spend that much money on it.

Something caught my eye in the e-mails about the UK Developer Launch Event though... An online competition would be held to win free copies of Windows and Office. Hello! ;)

So, come the day, the competition was to answer some questions, and the first 1000 people would win copies of Windows and Office (there were two competitions, and you could enter either or both).

The questions weren't technical about the products, and instead were questions about the "Keynote Speeches" on the day of the launch. The meant watching the online webcasts of however many hours of speeches there were in order to find out the answers.

Or, a sneaky person might just download the PowerPoint presentations and get the answers from those instead. [He says, attempting to look innocent]

Well, somehow, I did manage to watch all those hours of webcasts and get my answers in within about 20minutes of the competition opening. (Ok, ok, I admit it, I looked at the PowerPoint presentations ;) )
I'm not sure how many other people did that, given it was a "first 1000 correct entries win", and the competition ran for 30 days. I wonder what the numbers are :)

Dear Monkfish

Congratulations!

We're very pleased to tell you that you were one of the first 1000 people to qualify for a free copy of Windows Vista Ultimate by taking part in our UK Developer Launch event online.

Dear Monkfish

Congratulations!

We're very pleased to tell you that you were one of the first 1000 people to qualify for a free copy of Microsoft Office 2007 Professional by taking part in our UK Developer Launch event online.

Huzzah! :)

According to Dabs.com, that's £693.98 worth of software :D

Which was nice. ;)

My Hands Are Numb

But I got some cool pics this morning :) (IMO :-P )

Woke up a couple of times in the night, the last time at 6am (and hey, it was still dark outside, so that's night). Decided to go for a walk.

All taken on my phone I'm afraid, as I don't have a proper camera at the moment.

Will post some pics up now, try to do more later :) The images and titles are not intentionally suggestive of anything btw, just what I felt the picture made me think of - I didn't take the pictures to assign those names specifically, or anything. (Thought I'd point that out in case anyone wondered ;) )

Now... I think I might go back to bed for a bit ;)
================================================
(Some fifteen hours later...) Ok, all of them posted now :)

I wouldn't usually think to go for a walk at that sort of time. But I figured... Not like I need to worry if I haven't shaved or my hair's in a bit of a state... Not many people about ;) And I'd already woken up once or twice and felt tired but not sleepy... Looking outside, I thought... It'll be light soon. Will be cool to go see it outside before it gets light ;) I'm up at that sort of time so very very rarely ;)

My shoes came back muddy though ;)

Never Forget Where You Came From

Someone's Whole World

(Yes, I do believe it is an egg ;) )
('Ee, look at me, giving B&W a try, how arty ;) )

Last One In's An Ugly Duckling!

(Dianne, you may also spot your "Lady in Red" in this one ;) )

Lonely

Potential

Forgotten

On This Day...

This time last year, I made this post:

The question I cannot answer:

Does it feel wrong because I am unable to commit, or am I unable to commit because it feels wrong?

It was my third blog post. Significantly though, it became my first post to receive a comment! Gosh, how EXCITING! :)

Thank you, Dianne :)

All of a sudden, I wasn't just randomly airing my thoughts, I knew I was talking *to* someone. It's too early to tell even now, but I do wonder if that chance online 'encounter' may have spun my life off in a different direction.

As for my wife and I, it is our first anniversary nine days from now.

I'm not sure I have any particular thoughts on that at this time.

As for my original question that I was unable to answer a year ago? Well, I was going to chicken out from answering it now too, but thinking on it, I don't need to.

It did feel wrong, and that was why I felt I did not want to commit (further) to it, not because.

The question I need to answer now is whether I feel there is any hope left that it may ever feel "not wrong".
Looking over the evidence of the past years, I must admit it does not seem likely, but I am not yet at a stage whereby I am able to answer this question yet.

When I last spoke to Mrs M I told her this.

She asked, "And if I said now *I* want it to be over, how would you feel?"

"Surprised," I said. I said didn't really feel anything else.

"No relief? Or disappointment?"

"No, not really. Just surprise."

"Well... there's still hope then," she said.

Hmm. :)

A Blow-By-Blow Account

08:39 - And so it begins. (A Kosh impression there ;) ). Ok, my alarm goes off really quite some time before this - in fact, this is the time I should be LEAVING the house. But I didn't sleep well last night, so getting up was a struggle ;) That's right... It was about this time I finally made it out of bed. Hey, and within 30mins I was dressed, shaved, and at work. Not BAD going, even if I was still 10mins late ;)
12:30 - I buy a sausage & BBQ sauce bagutte from the sandwich van, thinking I don't want to faff around making my own sandwich this lunchtime. I don't often buy a sandwich or anything from the van, but I have to say, there's one thing that always strikes me about the current girl that drives the van. When she's serving anyone, she always smiles. And not a "I don't want to be here but I've been told to smile so I'm going to smile" smile, but she actually manages to look happy! For what must be a fairly dull job (especially by this end of the round, where she gets on average 0-2 people come buy something), I think that's pretty impressive :)
12:55 - I head back home, as I've been told my slot is 13:00-15:00 (it takes 10-15mins to get home, but they aren't actually going to arrive at 13:00, of course ;) ). "What's that?" I hear asked, "What slot's that then?"
13:40 - It has arrived!

13:50 - I have half my baguette, some crisps, a drink, and head back to work.
17:39 - Left work. Remarkably early for me ;)
19:01 - I begin the "deboxing" process.
19:15 - I get a drink
19:20 - The "deboxing" process has been completed! I come on to blog my horrendously exciting blow-by-blow account, and grab the other half of my bagutte from lunch out the fridge :)

20:00 - I head back again, having spent too long playing about on my computer ;)

20:15 - Have completed a quick vacuum to get all the bits up of the packaging off the floor, before there's a big thing in the way ;) I begin reading the instructions.

Oh boy, am I ever pleased I don't have a "Thi Bed", or I'd need two people "yo" assemble it!
Seriously, this is POOR. How companies can produce literature of this standard, I do not know. It really should not be acceptable. This isn't even a simple line in the middle of a paragraph that we're talking about here. This is an underlined warning in capitals. How did nobody spot that!?
Also, there is only one of me ;)
*sigh* back I go :)

01:00 - Oops! I almost forgot to come update this! :) lol :) Best add the rest of it back in... :)

20:50 - It had all four sides and stood on its own :) I swore a bit more at the instructions for continuing to be bollocks ;) (I knew what they meant, but it's the principal! :) )

22:00 - Had added the support bar down the middle and laid the slats on top. Was wondering what the two things left over were which weren't mentioned in the instructions. Realised eventually they were feet that were supposed to be attached to the support bar. Thanks for that! Piss poor instructions! [roll eyes] Seriously, I thought at the start "I'll make sure to follow the instructions or I'll end up doing something stupid!" - that was my biggest mistake ;)

22:30 - Had attached the feet to the support bar (which meant faffing around raising the bed [it was either that or disassemble half of it again] so I could screw them in) and screwed slats in place. Between 9pm and 10pm, I had also spent some time checking for screw holes for the slats (there was material over the wood, I thought that there may have been holes under the material - eventually decided - nope, just screw 'em!)

23:00 - Finished! Had to faff around trying to work out how to get my mattress from behind the bed (it arrived last week, so I have been on a proper mattress for the last week) and into it ;) Oh, I did have a few random breaks throughout the evening as well, so it's not all been a constant struggle :) (Was actually pretty easy overall - easiesr than I had been expecting - thought it was more work last time, but that was a good few years ago :) )

Anyway, all that time invested, and here's what I came out with! :)



Wait, no, now, that's not right, is it ;)

Let me try again...


Vrooom vrooom vrooooom! :)

Oh, ok... Anyone who actually believed that for a minute... Go and stand in the corner of the room and try to look ashamed of yourself.

Oi! I can hear you snickering! Bloody cheek. :)

Honestly. Some people ;)



There we go :)

01:30 - I'm off to bed! :) (Well... I think... I haven't actually laid on it yet... ;) )

Lightbulb Moments

I actually wrote this post about three-four weeks ago. I got slightly distracted though and forgot to post it. I think I was planning on reviewing/proofing it but got side-tracked, and then with other things happening etc. I sort of forgot about it a bit ;)

Sorry I seem to have gone a bit quiet recently. Not sure why exactly :) As usual, I've still been reading other blogs even if I've not necessarily got around to commenting as much recently (e.g. Some of Northern Monkey's recent ones about her handbag and Valentine's Day made me laugh :) ).

Anyway, here it is :)
===========================================

I came home one evening earlier this week and turned on the light in the hall. I walked through to the living room, turned on the light there, only for the lights in both the hall and the living room to turn off. After a moment's confusion ("Why is it so dark? Did I forget to turn on the lights in the hall?"), I realised that neither the hall light nor the living room light worked. Further investigation revealed that the bedroom lights also did not work, however the kitchen and bathroom lights did. I guessed something had tripped the main fuse, reset it, and found one bulb in the living room had gone.

Later that same evening, the bulb in the bedroom also blew.

But that's not what this post is about. This is the yang to my earlier ying, the flip side of the coin, the counterweight.

Friday last week was one of those really shit days where it seems like everything that can go wrong, does go wrong. I was tired and exhausted, I felt crappy (I didn't even have a beer with me lunch ;) ), pissed off at myself by the fact that I hadn't been doing nearly enough work in weeks if not months (even considering the current circumstances), irritated that I had started 'losing' my evenings at home (things were untidy and/or messy at home), stressed at needing to arrange a meeting with a client to demonstrate what I'd been working on for weeks (and it should have been at least demonstrable weeks ago)... And then on top of that, due to a bizarre computer error in combination with the 'style' of thing I had been working on (unusually few backups), I ended up losing a few days worth of work on the thing I wanted to demonstrate! (Fortunately, I eventually remembered I had taken it home to do some work on at some point, and was able to restore the files from here - but for a couple of hours, it just reeeally wasn't what I had needed at that point)

I ended up having a damn good think about everything come the evening. At work, I've been very, very concious for a long time now that I have been doing a poor job (I want no comments or sympathy about this - regardless of anything else, I know I should have been doing better). I mean the thing is, I actually like my work and my job. I enjoy doing it. I've just not been able to focus.

I've annoyed with myself about this, because I know that I can be one of the best, most useful and productive people at the company. I have knowledge in some technical areas that far surpasses that of my colleagues, I learn quickly, and I take an interest in everything the company does, even if I am not directly involved. This makes me valuable at every stage of the process, from the design, through development and implementation, and then support. You would be surprised how many programmers do not know anything about computers, because they simply aren't interested.

I know I sound like I'm blowing my own trumpet a lot here and saying "I'm fantastic!", and to an extent, I am... Or at least, I was. I would say that in life, there are a lot of areas where I am "poor" to "below average". My ability with computers balances some of that out, and I recognised it early on. At the moment, the fact that I know there have been some days where I have really worked for perhaps half an hour in the whole day, and I know exactly how far I *should* have gone, just serves to irritate me more.

As others have said recently... I've lost my mojo.

On top of that, I realised that over the last few weeks, I've not really been doing anything in the evenings. My first month or so, I was really having fun... Cooking, cleaning, going for walks, playing a spot of a computer game, watching a film, going shopping, browsing beds or furniture... Recently, I'd got to the point where whilst I was still cooking (as opposed to just a microwave meal), it was usually 10pm by the time I had eaten, and I had no idea where the evening had gone. I think that at least some of that was spent pissing about on t'Internet for too long.

I also thought about my wife and our relationship. Or, even a relationship with anyone... I think I just need to forget about anything for a bit. Seek even more uncertainty than that I already had. Just to let go of anything I want to hold on to, to any degree, and be alone. Just... look inside to myself for a bit, really find out who and where I am.

I think (and hope) that a lot of these realisations served as somewhat of a kick up the arse :)

Work this week has been a bit of an uphill struggle. I'm not magically back at 100% yet (I am typing this at work now, for one thing...), but I think I've had an overall improvement in focus/concentration, and consequently overall output.

So, I've started on the blackjacks, am working towards the fruit salads, and perhaps after that will come the mojo ;)

(For those not in the know; Blackjacks, Fruit Salads and Mojos are all sweets - in ye olden days, mum would sometimes give me 10 pence to spend on some sweets at the newsagents or postoffice, and those were all in the 0.5p-2p sort of category :) )

At Least I Tried

Despite living relatively close to work, there is a great big hill inbetween me and it :)

I came back home ;)

Shame, I was actually awake and out early this morning! Woke up like 40mins before my alarm goes off feeling relatively awake (surprising, given I ended up not even going to bed until 2:30am), had a nice warm shower :) Took time de-snowing my car :) I got all the snow off, rather than just that on the windows - I don't want it to be constantly falling on them as I am driving now, do I! :)

When I made it to the bottom of the big hill and pondered what to do next, I decided not to walk as I wasn't really in the right clothing. I decided not to try driving a completely different way immediately, as there had already been a fair bit of slipping and sliding about. "I'll work from home then," I thought ;)

Update, 14:00
Just got back in from my second attempt. Pffffffheeeeew, I am knackered. Left the car in a silly position (facing down a slope, and going forwards isn't an option), and was able to move it, ooh, at least a few inches from there. And back. ;)

And to think, I loaded up with spare clothes and hiking boots for that! ;)

Bah. :)

Update, 14:10
lol... Ok, so, I just read back what I wrote. "I am knackered" - "was able to move the car at least a few inches". I feel I should point out I don't have a Flintstones style car which works on pedal power ;) So much as wearing big heavy clothing and trying to figure out what is preventing you from going further backwards and attempting to dig out ice and snow from around where I wanted to go was the knackering bit ;) Not helped by the fact that I had thought, "I'll wait until I get to work to have some lunch". Hmmm, I think the big chunky soup I've had for a while is due to be eaten now ;)

Shame my bread is at work. And worse still... I've only got enough milk left for one more cup of tea! :-O

Update, 21:20
Whilst it was only a minute's walk away, I have now returned my car to its home parking space ;)

It Was a Funny Old Week

It started getting "funny" on the Wednesday. I spent a good hour doing some intensive worrying around lunchtime, before the thing I had worried about then turned into something that left me chuckling all afternoon. Things got stranger there on in...
That evening, I was doing my weekly shop. I was doing my weekly shop that particular evening, because Mrs M and I had arranged a few days earlier that she would be coming over to mine on Thursday evening for a meal.

I was in a pretty cheery mood walking around the supermarket, and I must have spent at least thirty minutes trying to work out exactly what it was that I wanted to cook the following day, and how much effort I wanted to put into it. I eventually decided on a fresh bit of Scottish Salmon, fine runner beans (were they runner beans? I can't remember. Maybe broad beans? Fine broad beans? That doesn't sound right - anyway, something long and thin and beany), sugarsnap peas, and new potatoes, in a white wine sauce. Ok, the sauce was just out of a packet, but I still think I did fairly well ;)

For something sweet afterwards, meringue nests with summer fruits (guess what? they were frozen ;) ) and extra thick double cream.

So, I was pretty pleased. I'd worked out what I wanted to do, and bought all I needed. Wanted to give my place a bit of a tidy, but other than that, everything was well in hand. Oh, also, I bought a red table cloth to throw over my "box table" to swish it up a bit ;)

Later that evening, I was checking my blog stats (I'm not a 100% compulsive stats checker. Sometimes, a whole hour will pass without me checking! ;) ), when something caught my eye. I didn't quite click what it was that caught my eye at first, but after a few more clicks, it didn't so much as hit me, so much as whack me repeatedly around the head until I was concussed.

For you see, my stats revealed that Mrs M had infact been looking at my blog.

This came as quite a surprise, given that I had never actually given Mrs M the information to locate my blog.

You may remember that, when I first told Mrs M about my blog, that I had given her the choice as to whether she wished to read it. At that time, she felt it sensible to not do so. Later, after the decision had been made that I wanted to move out, she asked whether she might be able to read it after all. This, she had said, was so that she might hopefully better understand what I was unhappy about such that she might change. I did not feel that my blog could tell her anything she did not already know, and by then, given what I knew was facing me, I simply did not want her to read it. I wanted my "support" for the road ahead of me, and I did not want to have to worry or think at all about what I wrote in terms of how it may get interpretted.

So, I was pretty surprised, upset, and slightly betrayed that she had somehow found it now and looked at it.

Recently, I had started to get to the point where I felt more relaxed over everything in general. It wasn't constantly looming over me quite so much, and I felt more 'content' in general. But Thursday of course, I spent feeling a little tense, pissed off, angry, annoyed, upset, etc.
A lot of energy left me, and I wasn't sure I could really be bothered to cook all that I had bought anymore. "Perhaps," I thought,

"I'll just throw a pizza and some potato wedges in the oven instead."

The evening came, and Mrs M arrived at 6:30 as we had agreed. I had decided not to bring up the fact that I knew she had looked at my blog. I felt that I would give her every possible opportunity to tell me, and, as it's no easy thing to admit, and there was no point I could fairly drop it into conversation without having potentially 'interrupted' her from telling me.

I did summon up the energy to cook all that I had bought, as I had planned, although of course the whole night I had all of this on my mind. Various things, including mentions of my blog or something related to it came up 'in passing' throughout the night's conversation (some mentioned by me, some by her).

Before long, the whole night had been and gone (Well, I say "whole night" - she left a little after 9), and everything that would be said had been said. Mrs M left and headed home.

That she had looked at my blog did not get a mention.

I was so disappointed. I had hoped she would tell me.

The first thing I did at that point was to phone my sister. I knew that Mrs M was going over to my parents house for the coming weekend, and that she had mentioned that she had spoken to my sister the night before. Had my sister let slip by accident? Had Mrs M asked her? A million possibilities had swirled through my head, but my sister seemed the most likely connection between my blog and Mrs M.
It came to as much of a surprise to my sister as it had done to me. My sister had not talked to her about it at all.

I pondered which course of action to take next:
1. To put up a blog post aimed at Mrs M
2. To ring her.
3. To go visit her now.

By the time I had a ramble about most/all of this at the poor person who happened to have hopped onto Messenger at around this point, I had already pretty much made up my mind to go for option 3, so they were left in suspense as to the outcome of my little situation ;)

I might ask her the next time I speak with her, but I do wonder what must have gone through her mind when she opened her front door and

I was standing there. A part of her must have been so happy, so hopeful, so pleased.

"Oh! What are you doing here?"

I did not beat about the bush.

"Well. I thought you might like to tell me what's going on."

She looked confused.

"I notice that you looked at my blog last night."

You have to laugh, really. The very moment I finished saying that, the phone rang. You couldn't have timed it better if you'd tried.

It was her parents. It took her a couple of minutes to 'get rid' of them.

Well, long story short ("Too late!" I hear, cried from all around), she had actually seen me on my blog before I had even left. She had remembered the name of it, and she had looked at it once before in December (I actually do remember noticing someone that matched her computer/our ISP before, because it's an unusual combination - I must have not clicked how MUCH alike it was).

To be honest, having known about it for that long, I think she's done a bloody good job to have only looked at it on those two occasions.

She just wanted to know if I had any more of an idea as to what I wanted than I had already said, and hoped she might learn something by reading here. I've already tried to be honest with her though, and tell her things I knew she wouldn't like. If she wanted to know more, I said, she should have just asked more.

She loves me. She knows that she wants for us to move into a bigger house together, have children, and spend the rest of her life with me, happily ever after.

I don't know.

Splash One Blogey

Oh well, another day, another blog disappears.

There will be no more tongue slippage for the time being, as Dianne has chosen to drop her blog, "A Slip of the Tongue".

It's been AGES since I've gone zooshing outwards for a random blog to read, but if this continues, I may have to ;) I think there's enough of a community around at the moment that whenever you do fancy being 'adventurous', you only have to click to someone else's blog and pick one of their "read" list that I never seem to get around to looking at random ones :)

Anyway, so long as Dianne keeps me updated with any gossip she has, I don't mind ;) Ok then, Dianne? I expect a regular dose of at least one piece of gossip per week, or else! ;)

Meanwhile, I have two or three posts that I've been meaning to, well, post, myself ;)

I actually wrote most of two a couple of weeks ago but never got around to finishing them. The last couple of days have been 'interesting' too, so I may summarise at least some of that.

I'll get around to it. At some point. Probably. Perhaps. Maybe. With a bit of good luck and a following wind... ;)

A Little Late...

...But I thought people might be interested in these two pics anyway :)

They were taken just before Christmas (really! I have taken my Christmas tree down now!! :) ), and show my living room how I set it up when I first moved in:

I'm not sure why my angel acquired an aura around her there, but I thought I'd use that pic anyway :)

And then, I like to imagine a conversation something like this:
Me: "House,"
House: [Beep beep]
Me: "Reconfigure for... Company mode!"
House: [Beep beep beep!]


And my living room is still pretty much looking like that at the moment. Except with slightly fewer snacks laid out, and it's a little untidier at the moment ;)

Oh, and without the Christmas decorations! ;)

Journeying

I began thinking about this post a little while ago. I then realised a couple of other details that tied in with it, and thought that now would be great timing :)

1. As of today, my blog is one year old! So, happy birthday "Don't Blame The Stars" ! :)
2. This is also my 200th post! What great timing! :) Ok, you may all be going "Hey Monkfish! Wha'cha talking about? That says 5 posts in 2007 and 189 in 2006! You think we can't count? That's not 200, that's only 194! You SUCK!" Well, that's because I have six posts in draft status that I'll probably now either never finish writing, or never publish :) Some were rambles to myself just to get some thoughts down, some were things I started but did not finish, some may be accidental copies of "live" posts... Honestly, listen to me talking about "some", you'd think there were sixty, not six ;)

When I thought about what to write here, I realised I wanted to write about The Journey. For that reason, I decided to title it in honour of Roses' blog.

The Journey. Where has it taken me? Well, just imagine. One year ago today, I was sitting alone at my computer, writing a blog post. Today, I find myself sitting alone at my computer, writing a blog post. Oh, how things have changed! ;)

But, despite that, it has been quite a journey, hasn't it?

I guess that I began thinking about starting a blog, or posting to some forum, or joining some random community site in around November 2005. Look at that, only took me two months to make progress on that, some people can't even get around to buying a bed in that time! ;)

But you know what? I am absolutely genuinely pleased that I started this blog.

It's been great... I've got to know new people, read about things I wouldn't normally have read about, made some truely wonderful friends, shared some of my most embarassing personal information, I've ranted and raved, I've enthused, I've gossiped, and occasionally, just occasionally, I've rambled.

And you know what? I am glad I did it. I've enjoyed it.

And every single person reading this, every reader past, present and future... I thank you. Really. All I do is talk about stuff I think, and stuff that happens to me. And you lot, you bunch of weirdoes, you're actually INTERESTED in that! ;) What's up with that!? ;) But even more than that... I know that some people have actually learnt something from it. From me simply talking about what's happened to me, where I've been, where I'm going and how I think. How cool is that? :)

And I think over the course of this year, I, who I am, has changed.

I have learnt too. I've learnt from the experiences I've been through, the simple act of writing, and I've learnt from the people who read here.

I can't put a finger on how I've changed exactly, but I feel that I have. For one thing, I'm less embarassed to talk about a lot of these things. Ok, I'm still not so keen to do that in real life to people I actually know ;) but even there, I think I have made progress.
But you know what? Some of the posts I was making here months ago... They were really difficult to write. I was scared, ashamed, embarrassed. Not so much anymore. If I felt the need to, I could probably bang up a decent number of embarassing or private pieces of information, without too much 'fear'.

When I started this blog, I almost wanted someone to tell me that I was wrong. I was being stupid. That I should stop pissing about and get on with getting married, and get on with being content with what I had.

I have learnt that yeah, I did try, reasonably hard. It's not my "fault" (That doesn't necessarily place the blame on Mrs M, I'm just saying that I don't blame myself [or the stars ;)] for having arrived here).

I've learnt a lot about myself too. Who I am, how I see things. That's a little odd in some ways, because it's a slightly funny thing to come to terms with and acknowledge who you are ;)

Going forwards, I want to continue being honest and open. And rambly ;) I'm thinking I might start trying to act more on instinct and impulse too, but I'm not really sure about that yet ;)

Thank you all so very much.

Your support, friendship, cheerleading skills, insight, humour, stories, thoughts, listening ears, and sometimes quick mouths have been a true pleasure to have and know :)
I have no idea where I would be today were it not for this blog. Perhaps I would still be at home with my wife. Perhaps at home, with my wife, and lonely.

Thank you. Thank you all :)
Additional, 19/01
I was awful tired and mind wasn't thinking entirely straight by the time I finished that last night, but I really wanted to get it up for yesterday :) I don't think I conveyed quite everything I wanted to, but that's my own fault for leaving it too late :)
I think this time last year I was afraid because I didn't know where I would be a year from then.

Now? I am positive and hopeful, because I do not know where I will be a year from now :)

A LARGE PACKET OF CONDOMS, PLEASE!

I spent a while searching Google and YouTube for this comedy sketch I can remember, but I couldn't find it. All shall become clear at the end :)

Now, some brief background before this post really gets going. I hadn't really thought to "put a label on it" before last year, but I'd probably call myself agnostic. I decided last year, directly as a result of my blog and the people I have met through it (most notably Hanni and Annie), I decided to at least think about God and stuff. I can see what He does for people to a large degree, and whilst I was more than sceptical, I figured I'd at least learn about it and think about it. Now, let's be honest here, I think everyone can admit there are some Christians who are at least just a little 'nutty' ;)

Well, interestingly, it turns out they're not all as bad as you might think ;) Why, some of them seem almost normal ;) (Hey, who would want to be completely normal anyway? That's just dull :) )
I joined the Christian forum that Hanni had endorsed, and whilst it got a little duller after she left, I kept hanging around. I have even got to know several people I would call friends there :)

Now, I *think* that's enough background for this to have some meaning. Here is a copy of a post I made there on Tuesday.

This is the post I almost did not make. This is the post I had been thinking about making for weeks, but until today, it did not have meaning.

This is the post that was almost a goodbye.

I registered on F&FF back in July. I am not a Christian, and I did not come here to seek God. I would call my registration, and decision to continue to hang around, a combination of coincidence, luck, noseyness, and friendship. Others may call it something else.

In my months here, I have remained active (albeit 'actively lurking' in the main forum) - I read some threads, I occasionally comment, and I think about things. Most of all, I can be found in chat, where I would say I have made several friends. It is my friendships with Christians that have helped to keep me here, and to continue thinking about it.

Today, those same friendships almost drove me away.

I had been thinking about it recently. For all that I have learnt in my time here, all that I now understand that I did not before, it is all in my head. It is the heart that is most important in these matters, and for all the good I can see with my head, my heart has not yet chosen to follow. I think this is because for all the understanding I have in my head, it still picks up on the details.

Sometimes, someone will say something, and, not having a Bible, I would go and look something up on BibleGateway.com. For every question this answers for me, two more are raised. And this is my fear. That if I were to buy & read the Bible, I would find that it would push me away, not pull me in.

Earlier today, I happened across this thread: "Unequally Yoked".

To read this, as an unsaved non-believer, call me what you will... It hurt.

I continued to think about it for the next hour or two. I had little choice in the matter. During my lunch hour (I ended up not having any, but fortunately my colleague was out having his), the full force of some things hit me. I cried.

I believe in my heart that I am a good person. I believe this, because I try to be. I am not perfect, but I try to be all that I can be. From the start since I started thinking about it, it has always bothered me that, no matter how much of a good person I try to be, Christianity says that I will go to Hell. You may find it odd that this bothers me if I don't believe in it, but I don't think anyone would want to see themselves as going to Hell in the eyes of another.
But I hadn't thought too much about that bit in a while. Thinking about this thread though... I realised that (IMO) it's worse than that. In many ways, I am 'worse' now I understand more, than I was when I first came here. For every day that I continue to deny God, Christians should see me as evil. But I'm not evil! But to a Christian, if I am looking the facts in the face, and continuing to deny them, that should make me evil.

I thought of my friends here. I wondered what they thought of me. I could think of only three possibilities:
1. They think I'm evil
2. They believe that God is calling to me, and that one day I will listen (technically, that may put this in category 1 or 3 still, but I think I'll ignore that little quibble)
3. They do not think I'm evil

Now, ok, "evil" may have a different meaning to some people than I am thinking, but, whatever it is, if I look the facts in the face and deny them, I know that that should put me way down the list of how people should feel about me.

Now, I'll assume that with regards to my friends, 1 is not true.

For the most part, if not completely, I think most of my friends would go for option 2.

But, I wondered, for how long is this going to happen for? How long am I going to continue learning and finding more questions and denying that which I should see? When does 2 turn into 3? And if they begin to think 3, does that mean I have corrupted them? I understand what my friends believe, and I would want nothing but for them to grow in faith, not to lose it. But, as I have thought every time I have tried to help my friends here with any problem in the past, you know what they say about "good intentions". When might more harm come than good?

I felt that, until I felt different in my heart, I should leave F&FF, or I would risk damage to the faith of my friends and those I care about. I do not want that. I cried some more.

I told my boss I had a headache and went home from work - I very rarely miss any work. I went through the same thoughts, I arrived at the same conclusions. I cried some more.

I recently saw someone wonder why a nonbeliever would pray. If you can figure out the bit of logic behind this, I'd appreciate someone letting me know... As I lay on my bed and cried, I heard myself say, "I'm sorry I don't believe in You". And that's true - I am, and I don't. Just don't ask me who I was talking to :)

I began writing, and rewriting, a combination of "Goodbye" posts, and "Do you think I should leave?" PMs to people I felt may be unbiased (e.g. those who hardly know me).

At some point, as I wrote, I thought about my concern that if I were to get a Bible, it would do me more harm than good in these matters.

And then I thought... I don't know that yet though - I haven't given it that chance. I should do that before I make this decision.

And so I found myself, at 4:45pm, when I assume the shops close at 5pm, getting in to my car, to go and buy a Bible - if the shops are still open. "Let's get this over and done with, so I can know one way or the other," I thought.

Seventeen minutes later, I was in the car again. In that time I had arrived at town, parked, bought a parking ticket, ran down three flights of stairs from the car park, walked to the book shop, chosen a Bible, paid for it, walked back, ran back up three flights of stairs, and sat back in my car. There must be some sort of record there ;)

So I arrived back home with my Bible. I had glanced at a webpage about translations very quickly beforehand. The gist of it seemed to be that some are easier to read, whilst others are more accurate. In the end, I had chosen by a combination of picking a translation that I had heard of, and what I thought looked most like what I was expecting in a reasonable format. So, I have.. err.. let me look... a New International Version, with "Discover the Bible Section". Oh, and British text ;)

And I sat down in my chair, I put my Bible down beside me, and I began to.. Well, eat a packet of crisps actually (that's "potato chips" to the Americans) :) Hey, it was gone 5 by now, and I hadn't eaten all day :)

As I munched, I contemplated what I was about to do, and I thought about what I knew I was supposed to do at this point. So I did it. I put my crisps down, and I prayed. On the occasions that I do pray, it's always a little rambly and informal, but I try to say what I think. I did so here. I don't remember exactly what I said, but it was long these lines:
"Look God, I'm sorry I don't believe in you" (lol, yes, I have said that a few times, I still don't get the logic there), "I'm sorry I don't believe in you, and I'm sorry I find it difficult to not question the Bible. But, I'll try to be open as I read this. ... Well, I guess nobody does it on their own, that's the point. ... I'll try to be open, if You will try to help me be open too. Read with me, and help me to be open. Amen."

And I finished my packet of crisps. I went to pick up my Bible. I put it back down. I looked at the seat next to me. I picked up my jumper, the half-eaten bag of cheese straws, a couple of sweet wrappers waiting to go to the bin, and I cleared the seat. I looked up.
"Come, sit with me while I read."
I had decided a symbolic gesture may help.

And so we come to the point where I picked up my Bible and opened it. And, let's face it, I needed a miracle to have a sudden change of heart. As I would expect, that miracle did not occur...

This is what I read:

(Ecclesiastes 9)
2 All share a common destiny—the righteous and the wicked, the good and the bad, [a]the clean and the unclean, those who offer sacrifices and those who do not.

As it is with the good man,
so with the sinner;
as it is with those who take oaths,
so with those who are afraid to take them.

3 This is the evil in everything that happens under the sun: The same destiny overtakes all. The hearts of men, moreover, are full of evil and there is madness in their hearts while they live, and afterward they join the dead. 4 Anyone who is among the living has hope [b] —even a live dog is better off than a dead lion!

And I realised... I may not have had a sudden revelation today. I may not have one tomorrow, or this year, or this decade. But as long as I am alive, there is always hope.

I flicked back and forth around that page a bit to get some context, but nothing else leaped out at me. So I decided to come back here, and not to write a Goodbye post.

Well, there you go, that's all I can tell you of where I am. Ironically enough, I genuinely have developed a headache by now. Oh, and in case you wondered, no, I'm really not normally this emotional, but I'm going through a bunch of other stuff at the moment that tends to amplify everything else, so between that and thinking I should walk away from my friends... Well, you know :)
I still have the same concerns about really reading it, but until then, I'll just have to wait and see what happens.

Phew! What a day.

Buying that Bible was, I must admit, almost a bit embaressing.

I remembered seeing a comedy sketch years ago (I couldn't find it on YouTube - I think it was from Not The Nine O'Clock News [YouTube here, or here], or Smith & Jones, or Fry & Laurie, or something like that) where someone walked into a chemist and was happy for the whole shop to hear he wanted to buy condoms, but was dreadfully embarassed to be buying some paracetamol (or something), and I had amusing visions of doing this:

"Hello, I'D LIKE A BOOK ON EMBARASSING GENITAL WARTS, this month's COPY OF LESBIAN SPANK INFERNO,a _Bible, and throw me in that 2007 CALENDAR OF MARGARET THATCHER POSES WITH HER PIN-UP PARLIAMENT PLAYMATES"
"Certainly Sir, what translation?"
"_Any, the extra large one with the full-colour photographs."

[purile snickering]

But it's strange, isn't it? Of everything I've written above (it was a very long and emotionally intense day), it's the religion that's kind of the embarassing bit. But, that's partly exactly why I wanted to blog it here too :)

I know I can be good at understanding stuff, and I know I can be good at explaining stuff. I can, sometimes ;), make something complicated make sense. I've never "disbelieved" in God, and I think I'm likely to come at the end of all this with a greater belief in something. I'm still not sure it will resemble much of Christianity (I struggle with the Jesus part, which is kind of important ;) but I'm trying not to think about that right now), but that meant I worry about being able to potentially change what someone else believes without even intending to. I'm not so worried about causing someone to lose faith as enough people have pointed out that that wouldn't be my fault (not that I'd want to be a 'trigger') that I can understand it. But...

I just don't really want to change what (or how?) people believe in what they believe, in a way that they (and what they believe) would not be happy with.

So I thought perhaps I should walk away from some of my friends there then. Take that danger away from them.

I think I couldn't really deal with the thought of walking away from more people that I know care about me. Not at the moment. And so, that thought became an ugly trigger. Ugly, if you must know, with all my nose-blowing and tears streaming uncontrollably down my face.

Funny the way these things can come out.

And, after a terrible night last night, I really meant to go to bed earlier today. Not 2am again. Gah. You know, ignoring even the experience, simply the time spent writing these two posts (the 'embedded' one, and this surrounding one), I think I must have spent at least four-five hours writing. Blimey.

Well, on that note, there's probably more I feel I would/should/could say, but I think it's time for bed.

Comments, opinions, beliefs, disbelief, money, sausages, or anything you feel like, welcome in response to this post. If you've had some thoughts while reading this, go ahead, post them. The input will be interesting :)

It Snowed In 2005

Exactly one year before our wedding, boy, did it snow!

It was quite strange. The day before was just 'average' weather, the day after was 'average' weather and the snow was melting. But that day with exactly one year to go, it came out of nowhere and was inches thick!

It did make us wonder what the weather would be like on that same day one year later. As it happens, on that same day in 2006, it didn't snow. It was more than a little nippy, but there was a gloriously blue sky. We were lucky, it was a lovely day :)

I thought I'd make use of the time I had yesterday, particularly given the reasons I had ended up having it, so had decided to watch our wedding video to see if it 'forced' anything out.

Mostly, I watched it with a smile on my face and a tear in my eye. Not too far removed in some ways from how many would watch a wedding (Externally, I think that's how it would have appeared).

I even watched my speech. It was poor. Very poor.

I do not really like to be reminded of it. There are more silent gaps than there are words, and there are more "erms" than there are words. This is 'disappointing' and embarrassing in itself for me, however I think the real difficulty for me is considering the cause for this.

Because I think the reason is, the closer our wedding drew, the less I liked to think about it. The first time I did any genuine preparation for my speech was to make a few notes... Very late at night, on the final night before the wedding. People to thank, and some things to mention. Nothing structured, just notes.

I decided I'd get back to it a little more the next day. Believe it or not, things have a habit of being quite busy on your wedding day, and I never found that opportunity ;)

I figured I'd at least have a chance to review my notes during the meal or something... Until just before then I found out just before we sat down for it, that Mrs M's Dad wanted to do them before we ate. Ah.
Listening to... my Father-In-Law's speech, I decided to not even say half of what I had thought about the night before. His speech was quite short, and to the point, and I felt that I didn't want to ramble on. On the other hand, all the more reason to do so ;) Especially as my Best Man had managed to completely wangle his way out of making one ;)
So, I didn't get my notes out, and I tried to just say the thank yous.

It's embarrassing, it really is.

So, anyway, a bit of a mixed reaction as I watched the whole thing back - as you'd expect - but nothing strong.

Nothing to come close to what I went through the day before (i.e. Tuesday just gone), and that was so very random :)
I've already written the events of that day down, but I need to add some introductory ramble for the sake of my blog, and I may go back over what I wrote and do an 'analysis' of my thoughts too. Anyway, I'll try to do that later today, as that's what I'd wanted to get blogged up yesterday :)

A Date with My Wife

I had a date with my wife on Saturday. I didn't think of it as that, but other people called it that, and then I figured "Well, I suppose that's what it is" :)
I'd have blogged about it sooner, but I, err, didn't ;) Some people have already come nosing up to me to get any gossip that was to be had, so blame them ;)

Right now, it becomes an issue because I think, "Oh, I wanted to blog about that", and I have something else I want to blog, but I don't feel I should blog that until I've blogged this. Phew. Got that? ;)

We'd picked a place to go (nowhere all that special, but somewhere). When we got there, it turned out it had closed :) I hadn't thought up a specific "Plan B", beyond "Oh well, if it's closed we'll just go somewhere else". That sort of thing doesn't really bother me, but my wife's not a fan. It's like getting lost to a degree. I mean ok, so even if you do get lost and have no idea where you are, it's not like you're going to suddenly spend the rest of your life there. You can always find your way back home sooner or later.
Feel free to either take that at face value, or to extend it to a deep and meaningful philosophical level ;)

Under the circumstances, it went reasonably well. I had been a little apprehensive before hand other whether it would feel too pressured or stressful, but it seemed ok. Even talking about how we had both been doing went reasonably well.

Before Christmas, I knew she'd not been doing terribly well. Certainly, I may have said, she had asked me in general not to ask how she was doing - under the circumstances, it can (quite reasonably) provoke a "How do you think I'm doing!?" sort of response. Anyway, she said back then she was quite often having takeout food, and on the occasions that she hadn't done, she was tending to just plain not eat.

It sounds like she handled Christmas and New Year reasonably well (under the circumstances), although she said she almost cried when it took me several hours to respond to a txt she sent on Christmas Day. I hadn't been awake when she sent it, and when I did see it, I didn't remember to reply as I was running around getting ready... and then eating... and then opening pressies... so it was a little while before I remembered ;)

She said she something inside her had 'clicked' a bit recently, and that she had got on top of things. She'd got bored of ready meals (hence the takeout), but she has started to try to cook a little now. Although she did say she'd "only" had takeout twice since she got back, and I thought given she had only been back four nights that sounded quite a lot ;) (But didn't say that - she seemed happy).

She said it was my buying the earrings that had helped her to 'click'. She had always felt that with my wanting to buy proper furniture and stuff here, it felt like I'd already made up my mind. The earrings (which she was wearing) (w-earring? - sorry, sorry) were a thoughtful present, and she thought it didn't seem like something you'd get someone if you thought you wanted to get away from them. I reminded her that I have not made a decision in either direction.

In terms of how I'm doing, I was honest about that too. Reasonably well. At this time, I don't feel I have missed her much.

So, potentially a bit of a kick in the teeth there, but overall, the evening still went fairly well.

What I think about her when she's not here is one thing. I do need to continue to see her sometimes, in ways like this, and think about how I feel when I *am* with her too, though.
At this time, I'm not really sure what that feeling is. It didn't feel as 'bad' as before, or only just after, we were seeing each other a bit before I moved out. It didn't feel wrong, but it also didn't feel right.
That's the best I can tell you at this time.

Speaking of which... I'm off sick from work today. I'm not actually sick, but I'll explain how I arrived at this point later. Right now? I think I'm going to go watch our wedding video. lol, I have *no* idea what *that* is going to bring out ;)

If 2007 Remains This Busy...

...It'll be a bloody busy year ;)

First of all, Happy New Year to you all. I realise technically that's a little late, but I think I've already said it to most in one way or another, so my apologies if this is the first time you've heard it from me :)

I did nothing of any real interest on New Year's Eve, which is good, because that's pretty much what I wanted to do :) I just wanted a fairly quiet one really. Now, despite having said it was of no real interest, I'll give a quick summary anyway. Prepare for off-the-scale excitement, then ;)
I felt a little down early/mid evening, after I remembered that it marked pretty much eight years to the day that Mrs M and I had effectively first expressed an interest in exploring what was between us, and just thought about all sorts of stuff in general really. But, enough of that, I had a shower, went for a short walk (in about my first week here, I found a slightly raised bit nearby, with a bit of a view over the town - nice spot for random contemplative thinking), and came back feeling far more positive :)
As midnight ticked over, I sat alone, nobody around in real life, no conversation in progress online, and nobody on the phone. Which was great, because that was exactly what I wanted :) I'd pondered it in the days leading up to NYE, and decided I didn't want to make that 'commitment' to anyone.
I read Ing's post about uncertainty with interest, having already decided that I was effectively seeking that uncertainty. Let's take this year one step-at-a-time, and see where I end up.

I spoke for a short while on the phone with both my family and then with Mrs M a little after midnight.

Yesterday marked two years since I proposed to Mrs M. It seems strange to think it's not even a year since we got married, and here I am now. Strange, or silly perhaps, but not something I regret. Better here for the moment, than elsewhere but unhappy. On a day-to-day basis at the moment, I would say I am content. Satisfied with my current lot in life, perhaps, until I know where I'm headed from here.

Today is Mrs M's birthday.

And, just to throw in a few more things for her to think about (just in case she doesn't already have enough), it's not just her birthday. That's right, it's her 30th birthday. Just what she needs right now, I'm sure ;)

She just got back from her parents yesterday (she went up there before I finished work, and came back after I started - pff, it's alright for some! ;) ), and she's popping over to mine this evening. We did discuss going out for a meal, but then she remembered she has a therapist appointment this evening, so may reschedule for the weekend.

I have bought her a book and some earrings. I think for 'significantly number' birthdays, you want something 'lasting'. Of course, I'm sure all she would really want is her husband back. I need to be very careful with contact and presents and stuff - not to give her the wrong idea, or that I am leaning back in her direction or anything. It's a fine line I'm trying to balance on.

It's difficult though. It's still early yet, but based on my general feeling of contentedness, I would be inclined to suspect that I could lean the other direction at the end of this. But, at the same time... She's My Mrs M, and I care about her, and I want to do stuff that makes her happy. And that to an extent will always be true. But if I'm not leaning in her direction, all I'll do is hurt and confuse her.
Anyway, as I said, you can see why it's a careful balancing act.

Still, I'm doing ok in general as I said, I just thought I'd keep you all updated :) Right, now, I have to stop pissing about and get on with some work ;)

Busy busy...