Irony

Irony.

Irony is thinking back to Saturday, to the big row with your girlfriend. Irony is mentally going back over the events of the day, trying to analyse your behaviour and what she told you. Irony is trying to isolate what behaviour it is that leads to these bouts. Irony is trying to stop thinking of things that you could ask her to do differently, and trying to establish what you can do differently.

Irony is remembering back, plucking out the constructive from the unconstructive, seeking for the lessons she may have imparted upon you.

Irony is recalling the one point made more than any other.

Irony is hearing that phrase over and over again, repeated as 'though stuck in a loop.

And above all? Above all, irony is remembering that "you just don't listen!"

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That's the bit that made me chuckle. I used to find writing to be somewhat therapeutic, and it could help me to work things through in my head. So, I write this as much for me, as I do for you. This is the bit which, I hope, may help me to process this information in a useful manner.

This, I believe, seems to be Quna's single biggest consistent complaint against me.

And, and I'm letting you in on a secret here... I don't understand why.

You see, this is (what I perceive as) a common weakness in many men. I know people like this. They don't listen to their other halves because they don't care about what they're saying. This is something I decided, many many years ago, to try to do differently (along with always putting the toilet seat & lid down).

I do care. And because I do care, I try very hard to listen.

So I am actually quite upset to keep being told this (and have told Quna this many times). But it leaves me not actually understanding what this problem is, nor what to do about it.

I wonder if it's actually a small wodge of things together that get lumped under this generic heading of "not listening":
- Genuinely not remembering something (E.g. I talked before about The Christmas Run-Around for a bottle of champagne - Christmas Eve morning I went to Quna with a pen and paper and asked her for the name of the champagne. "You see! This is what I mean when I say you don't listen!" - I can tell you why she wanted champagne, I can tell you why it's special to her on Christmas and how this tradition started. I had never bought champagne before in my life and simply couldn't remember the name from the day before)
- Mis-understanding something. After all, we all make mistakes sometimes.
- Having listened and understood what she has said, the ultimate crime - disagreeing. This goes along with other top problems I have - "you always have to have your own way" and "you always disregard my opinions". Again, I find I struggle somewhat with this one, as I do try to be open, to discuss things, and to find a compromise. Of course, the fact that I try to discuss these things comes back to "having my own way", as Quna would sometimes prefer not to discuss what-ever it is at all, thank you very much, and my desire to discuss it is an example of my disregarding her opinions.

Hmmm.

New relationships are just a minefield of fun, eh? ;)

My way of attempting to deal with an angry Quna who is shouting at me for some reason is still evolving. In the beginning when she began to question some of the qualities I hold dearest to myself it was just plain distressing and could sometimes reduce me to tears ("stop being whiney!"). As I try to establish how best to respond to defuse these situations, I find I am fast running out of options. I have tried to remain calm, to talk gently ("that just makes me feel more stressed!"). At the moment, I seem to be in a phase of responding to her in a fairly similar manner (it's been a lot of years since I've really shouted at someone), and try making the random digs to her as she does to me ("stop trying to score points!") (although I have tried to avoid the name-calling and the impressions).

I fear that at some point, the ultimate solution to these problems, the ultimate cure to arguments, and the ultimate irony, may finally, unwittingly, unknowingly arrive.

To simply stop listening.