Friday, June 30, 2006

"Because there are no sounds to hear..."

By the way, we've not heard anything back from Relate since the last meeting.

I've no idea how long these things take.

At the last one, the Relate woman gave us a form to fill out, listing when and where we could do meeting to get added to the waiting list.
My wife pointed out that we had already filled out this form (I didn't see this one, but it sounded exactly the same as the last one that we did fill out), and we didn't fill it out.

I am slightly worried that perhaps the first time that form was to get on a waiting list for that initial session and not a "general" list. Perhaps the forms are the same but they go in different pots.

I don't know, if it were that I guess the Relate lady would have said that at the time when we didn't fill it out.


I Like Simple

Simple is good. Simple is easy. Simple is understood.

I used to like making nifty things in my job (ok, that's things *I* thought were nifty - 90% of other people would be unimpressed ;), but they often ended up nifty, but complicated.
Since then, I think I've managed to make even the complicated (but nifty) things simple. It's much easier to work with simple things :)

I wonder whether life feels complicated because I haven't worked out how to make it simple yet.

I left work relatively on time today. My wife had the car today, so picked me up. I pulled her along to the park-ish bit nearby. I think it was still quite nice and sunny, but I'm not sure. I don't remember noticing.

She was feeling miserable.

She started on this extremely low calorie diet (again) last week. She keeps thinking its right right answer for her, probably because she lost about three stone on it a few months ago. Unfortunately, I don't think it really helps you change your "non-diet" eating habbits at all.
The other few times she's started it this year, I suggested she do so with her left over bits from last time - I said if she can do it for a few days or a week, she could go back on it properly. It costs like sixty quid a week, which is rather a lot. Of course, if it works, then it will make her happy, which makes it worth it.
I like saving my pennies (i.e. I'm a tight git ;), but I'm happy to spend them when there's good cause to do so.
Last week she started back on it "properly" (despite having not managed to do it on her own for more than about a day). I said if she really thought it might help to actually get back on the programme and go to the meetings then she could.

The diet basically involves not eating. If you've heard of the Cambridge Diet, it's pretty much that. If you haven't heard of that, but do know of Slim Fast, it's like that, only without the "real food" inbetween the "milkshakes".
Still not with me? Well, she gets given a whole bunch of "food packs", some can be made into soup, some "milk shakes". You have four of them a day. You eat nothing else. No snacking, no other meals, nothing.
Now I grant you, it's going to be pretty bloody hard for anyone to manage something like that, let alone people who love their food.
I've got rid of as much of my food (particularly snacky food) as I can. I even tried tieing up some of the cupboards and the fridge the other day with string to try to help her resist having a root around inside them!
I like snacking. I could really live on snacks, given the chance ;) (I weigh like nine stone, so there's no real option of me actually dieting with her) But still, I've done my best to get rid of all that I can, and not eat the rest in front of her.

She started last Friday. She was pretty positive all weekend, imagining herself getting to be whatever it is she feels she'd be happy with.
Come Monday, she'd snacked on a bunch of things that we had laying around the house, so was pretty pissed off at herself. But, it being the first week on the diet, she had a weigh-in Monday evening. She didn't know whether she wanted to go, but in the end she did. (I suggested she did - it might help to have people to talk to, etc.)
She had an evening meal when she got home, and said she'd go back to eating on the Tuesday. I suggested she sleep on it. She did. Not eating again Tuesday. I don't remember her being specifically negative or positive. Same on Wednesday.

...And we're back to today, walking along in the sun, her looking miserable. She REALLY wanted to eat today, apparently, and spent half the day trying to work out how she could eat in secret (so I wouldn't know and wouldn't feel let down) and without me knowing (Even when she tries that, I tend to have a knack for knowing exactly what's on her mind).

So she went out to the proper weigh-in this evening, hence my having some time. It was nice to relax and chill out and not do anything in particular :) And to put a film on. She doesn't like films, and that's doubly true for boring boyish films that I like ;) She's always telling me I can put a film on if I want, but then when I say I want to she always does something that shows she really doesn't like watching them. So I don't often even think about putting them on these days when she's around.

So I was feeling reasonably happy when she got home. I paused the film to talk to her. She was still down. She really wants to eat. But she also wants to lose weight. She went to bed after 5-10 minutes.
I finished watching the film. Started writing this.

She just came back down. Couldn't sleep. I made some small talk (I just read London is the second most expensive city in Europe - after Moscow. Just WTF is Europe these days?), before asking what was wrong. I think she said something sarcastic. Anyway, I wanted to say more tonight (I'd almost finished on the boring "day-to-day" stuff and was about to start on older stuff), but I'll go join her.

Night night.

Thursday, June 29, 2006

Decisions Decisions

So I've got a couple of free hours this evening.

Now to decide how to spend them, and in which order to do things!

Let me think...

  • 1. Have meself some tea (probably a definite)
  • 2. Get changed out of work clothes
  • 3. Have a shower (I take ages. It's nice to not worry about even pretending to rush sometimes ;)
  • 4. Chill out
  • 5. Watch a film
  • 6. Watch TV
  • 7. Write generic dribble to my blog
  • 8. Write more of that dull old history and stuff to my blog
  • 9. Read other blogs
  • 10. Accidentally spend the whole time trying to work out the best way to spend it
  • 11. Find porn (too much information? Well, it could be worse ;)
  • 12. Something boring, like housework or tidying my desk
  • 13. Establish a sure-fire way to make three million pounds using only a phone, a screwdriver, a glass of water from yesterday, my mouse, a pile of random letters, my wedding ring (I take it off and play with it sometimes - it's tight on hot days), and a bag we brought back souvenirs in on our honeymoon. That's just a sample of the crap piled on my desk ;)
  • 14. Chill out (I know I already said that, but the first time I was thinking of watching random TV/listening to music/playing a game/wibbling the web, and this time I was more thinking of flopping on the bed)
  • 15. Ermmmmm. I'm sure I thought of something else earlier.
  • 16. Ok, I think I'm done

Now, I think I'll start with a bit of 14 followed by 2 (I almost said a number 2, but then I realised that people might have got the wrong idea). Or perhaps at the same time.

Anyway, if anyone else has an opinion on my incredibly exciting evening, before me time's all used up, drop me a comment and I'll consider your request. If I didn't fall asleep, at any rate ;)

Another Busy Day

Tired and worn out at the end of the day. Went for a wander around the green bit again. It was nice to relax a bit. Contemplated leaping up a tree if I saw a nice one :) (But didn't) Not climbed up a tree for probably a good ten years. Used to be fun though.

Drove home. Crap on the radio. (There only seems to be "clubby" dance music on by late evening)
Hummed to myself. I often randomly hum to myself when I'm content and doing something simple like milling around in the kitchen, or doing the shopping.
Must sound surreal. I started on a tune that for some reason sticks in my mind from Bagpuss (I rewatched them within the last six/seven years), straight into a sort of "army marchy" tune from a computer game, then a theme from a sitcom (I couldn't remember what).

Was feeling a bit random driving home. Looked up at one point driving along a longish straight road. Thought, "Well, bugger me, I've been going down this road for six years and never noticed that there's a tree-covered hill rising into the sky at that end before. I'll look more closely at the other end of the road."
I continued my random humming (and wondered whether Hanni had considered learning to drive at this point) and forgot about the hill.
Got to the other end of the road. "That's a big black cloud," I thought.
"Ohhh yeah. I see. Right. It wasn't a hill. It was a cloud."

There's probably something meaningful in that.

Actually, that makes me think of Bagpuss again, but I'm too tired now to go where I intended.

Maybe tomorrow.

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Complete & Detailed Description of My Sex Life Prior to Meeting My Wife

Busy Busy

Busy old time for me at the moment. Everything happens at once and all that.

I'm going to bed late, sleeping poorly, getting up early (well, earlier than I want ;) ), and working hard and long (9am-7pm today - Didn't leave until about 9:30pm Friday, and then I spent a couple more hours working from home).

Wifey's flip-flopping on dietary decisions, and feeling generally positive one day and depressed the next.

Still, at least the lucky girl's on holiday this week (our holiday times with work fall differently, so our honeymoon came out my holiday "budget" for this year, whilst for her it came out of last year's).

Overall, it doesn't leave much posting time though.

Perhaps I can manage just one more...

Friday, June 23, 2006


Well, there's a good start.

I'll try to write mine next, and then ours.

And possibly/probably some random thoughts on it all at some point too.

Night night for now.

Thursday, June 22, 2006

History Begins

Right, here I go. Time to finally get around to posting some (more) background info.

I've decided to start by describing some of my wife's history.

This is for a few reasons - 1. It's probably a more sensible sequence, 2. It means I don't need to write mine yet, and 3. She's not "here" to complain ;)
I appreciate those aren't exactly the best reasons, but tough luck, you're stuck with them, it's my blog and I say what goes! Well, unless anyone wants to disagree, at any rate ;)
(Although in fairness, I do feel a little guilty about posting HER personal life for other people to read here, although it is all, at least loosely, involved in everything)

Ahhh... Now, do I start at the beginning and work forward, or start now and work back? I didn't think about that until I came to start writing. I suppose starting at the beginning and finishing at the end is most sensible. I don't know why, but for some reason I'd been presuming I'd start at the end. Oh well :)
I can't say I've quizzed her on her earlier sex life recently, so some of this is based on (perhaps flawed) memories of things she told me perhaps even years ago.

Here we go.

She "discovered" boys/men/sex while she was at college. I don't remember at what point this discovery jumped from Teen-style romantic/kissy relationships (i.e. early, late, or after college), but it all started for her at around that time.
[I was going to say more here, but I don't think it's needed for the sake of a summary. This is her life, not mine. I don't think I should go randomly describing her personal life]

She didn't have any serious relationships during this time, just a reasonable number of short-lived ones. She saw sex as being just a bit of fun, and she had a good share of fun ;)

I guess her life was like this for somewhere between a year or three before one day one of these "very short-term relationships" all of a sudden turned out not to be quite so short-term after all.
This was her other "serious" relationship. They moved in together. He was a few years (perhaps ten) older than her, and said he did not want to get married (I believe that was just a view of his in general, rather than anything against her).

I think there was a point during this relationship that she lost interest in sex. I think this was a case of not thinking about it at all (with anyone), rather than just not wanting it with her ex. I think that then her ex got fed up and paid her less and less attention and spent more and more time away from her (He did shift work anyway, so they didn't see much during the week, and then spent much of the rest of the time round mates' houses/at the pub).
Over the three years, they began to grow apart. I think there was a point around the middle of that time that she slept with someone else. I think this was just for the "fun", rather than anything meaningful. I don't remember whether ex knew about this before/during(!?)/after it happened.
With neither of them much interested in the other, I guess she started flirting more with other people, and consequently thinking about sex again.
Towards the end of that relationship, I think she saw a couple of other people.
She spent a lot of time chatting online (which was where she got her flirting done), and when you're a real girl with proper breasts and everything, it's probably pretty easy to pick up a few perverted men on the Internet ;)
She had a few places she chatted, and met some people for purely social reasons as well as "other" reasons. Some of them were right bloody strange. Like me! ;)
As well as chatting online, we met socially a couple of months before that relationship was officially over.

Even closer still to that relationship ending, one of the people she met on, uhh, less "social" and more "fun" grounds was me. Neither of us really thought at the time that our relationship would become... Well, a relationship. Let alone marriage ;)

Between that relationship officially ending and ours officially starting (Although I'm not sure what the definition of "officially starting" would be), she slipped into enjoying a few other people again (or a few other people slipped into... I'm not going to finish that sentence ;) ).

It seems so so strange now, when I think back to just how insatiably horny she could be. Phwoar. ;)

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Normal Service Will Resume Shortly

WARNING: This post may scare the pants off you.

I just read Hanni's most recent blog entry about a spider and was reminded of something I saw a few years ago.
Well, after some time spent Googling, I finally found what I was after.

I suppose this serves as a reminder. No matter how bad things are, it really could be a whoooole lot worse ;)

There are three pictures in the series, and unfortunately, nothing I can find actually shows them in a sensible sequence.

So, here's the first picture:

If you don't want to find out what's behind the clock, then I strongly suggest that you do not follow this link to to read more about the infamous "Clock Spider" which has the other pictures in the series and some "Internet Folklore" about it too.

More information is also available on

Sleep well everybody ;)

The Blogging Bug

I think I've caught the blogging bug.

I find myself checking my own blog to see whether anyone's left any comments, and checking for new entries on the other blogs, way more than a healthy person should do ;)

Every few days I jump through a good number of random blogs, but I rarely spot anything that I consider coming back to, let alone reguarly.
I have started noticing some interesting (well, ish) patterns though.

For one thing, it's quite nice to notice how many blogs AREN'T in English. I guess I don't often use a single website which acts as a community for people who speak in different languages. As well as the obvious far-Eastern languages (i.e. non-Latin based letters), I'd say the next language you seem to see a lot of is something Spanish-based.

I also seem to have noticed a surprising (well, to me) number of Singapore-based blogs. Of course, that could just be because I now "notice" it that much more when I see a Singaporean blog, on account of AnnieSeed's blog being the only "foreign" one I've really stopped to look at. You know what it's like when you notice something, and then all of a sudden you realise how much of it there is to notice :)
Honestly, listen to me rambling on about things that don't make much sense. Aren't I a right proper eloquent writer ;)

Where was I? Language, Singapore... Oh yes! Religion. That's the other thing I've noticed. There are a surprising number (again, to me - I suppose that's obvious - I'm not likely to specify when something is surprising to someone else) of blogs you visit which have a passage or two quoted from the bible.
Personally, I'm pretty much sitting on the fence when it comes to religion. I'm not pro-religion, but neither am I anti-religion. I don't specifically believe in God on a day-to-day basis, but neither do I specifically NOT believe in God. Of course, I also wouldn't say that I'm specifically agnostic, however as I tend to have a rather scientific "How?" and "Why?" sort of view of the world, I am probably leaning to that side of the fence.

Now, if we put all these observations together, we can see a clear overall picture of your average blog:

It will be written in Spanish by someone who lives in Singapore and is a devout Christian.

Or perhaps not. :)

Tune in to my next post for more random observations! (I don't have any in mind yet, but let's face it, there's a good chance ;) ) On the other hand, maybe I'll even get around to getting back on topic...

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Recurring Themes

1. Sorry, I still just don't have the time available to write any new entries. I could do with a few hours to just work out where to start and what to say. Maybe I should just do some summaries. I suppose it's the right time of year, or would that be summery? :)

2. She's still hung up on her weight. She has emotional ups and downs (don't we all), and she just seems to be on a downer at the moment :(

3. I can't talk, I'm still hung up on the sex ;) (Yes, last time was still March, on our honeymoon).

Monday, June 19, 2006

A-Polling Behaviour

I played with trying to get a poll in again. It appears Blogger doesn't allow JavaScript to be embedded within a post, which is what the two poll places I found used.

Anyway, I then played with getting it in the sidebar. Got it working in the end, but I eventually decided the damn thing was such a pain in the arse to get rid of it again - they were really slow and kept timing out when I tried to vote.

Bah. Computers. I wouldn't want to work with them all day! ;)

Saturday, June 17, 2006

More than I needed to kn-ooow

As I talk about life and history and sex and marriage, how much detail do people want to hear? :)

  1. As much as would be proper to discuss over a cup of tea during the Victorian era
  2. Well, perhaps you could hint at the nitty gritty
  3. Ooh! Give me gossip and things to giggle about!
  4. I want ALL the details, baby! I want a list of turn ons, a REALLY detailed story, and preferably some video highlights! Whoo!

Not sure it'll make much difference to what I actually write, I'm mostly just being nosey ;)

Friday, June 16, 2006

BOOIING went Zebedee

I feel rather happy and bouncy and really have far too much energy.

Bouncey bouncey bounce bounce!

Don't know what to do! :)

No, I haven't taken anything ;) Just come over in a really good mood all of a sudden ;)


Thursday, June 15, 2006

Six to Nine Months

I always knew it wasn't exactly going to be "go to meeting, have revelation, go home, have great sex, live happily ever after".

I don't remember having heard, or at least thought about, the amount of time it could take to sort out before.


I am slightly worried about how I am starting to feel about all of this sometimes now. I know when I was looking at this before, perhaps on Relate's website, that I read that many couples tend to leave getting help until it is almost too late, as a sort of "last resort", rather than pro-actively using it to plug the hole before it becomes a flood.
I know that at times, my brain feels like it goes into "emotional suppression" mode when dealing with big/worrying situations. Perhaps this is my "me man, me make fire, me not cry" instinct.
Recently though, I don't feel as though it's on my mind as much, in some ways. In other ways, it's on my mind more.
I'm not sure what's happening in my head. I don't know whether it's "nothing has happened for so long, it probably never will" so beginning to stop caring.
I don't know whether it's "this is causing too much stress, so I'm going to unconciously hide myself away from it"
I don't know whether it's "I'm talking about it more and sharing my problems here in my blog ([wave] hello!), so have more of a release for some of the emotion involved.
I don't know whether it's because we've started on a path that might help solve it (Relate).
I don't know whether it's because I feel we're going to be on another useless path that WON'T solve it (Relate again).
In case you hadn't worked it out from that lot, I'm trying to say that I don't know ;) Basically, I'm thinking more about writing stuff here, and less about "I want sex/I want to try to achieve things that will help us to have sex". Perhaps with everything that's going on, it's just making me so much more aware of the problem and its scale.
I don't know, but to be honest, it slightly worries me.

Something I do now know though, is that my wife does not appear to be aware of the scale of the problem, does not want to acknowledge it, or does not (want to) remember everything I have told her.

At both meetings, when asked whether we had any problems other than the lack of sex, my wife has immediately replied with something along the lines of "No, everything's wonderful other than that, we love each other and want to have children and live happily ever after."
Today, I added, "...Erm, although this problem has been going on for long enough that I don't really want to move forwards until we get this problem solved." (When asked about "forwards", I said, "for example, having children (the obvious lack of sex problem there ignored)".

Going back a year and a half, there were three big Commitment Steps on the road in front of us:
1. Marriage
2. Move to a new house (our current one is technically owned by only my wife)
3. Kiddie winkles

The sequence 1&2 were in have bobbled about a bit over the years. I have made it clear at the moment that I am not going to think about moving until we get this problem solved, let alone children. As I have said before, I would not wish to have children in the state we are in now, for their sake. I do not trust me.

We have lived here for like 6.5 years. I was "quite disappointed" at the lack of sex for the first couple of years, after that it moves up to, let's call it, "somewhat frustrated". I have told my wife this. I have told her how important it is to me. I have warned her repeatedly that while I may have a lot of patience, I by no means have infinite patience. That this would blow up into a bigger problem if not solved.


And you know what's worse? I can't actually remember what my point is now. I'm very (very) tired again now, but wanted to get this post out while it was fresh in my mind.

At some point, I also still want to get into the background and more "juicy" (i.e. embaressing to me) details of the current situation.

Until then,

Inspector Monkfish
(Who has been thinking recently that this was really a poor choice of name - I guess I didn't think anyone would really read this when I created it, and was more interested in starting to write than picking a semi-sensible name).

Relate - The Second Meeting

Following on from our initial visit to Relate at the end of May, where it was decided that Psycho Sexual Therapy was most appropriate for us, we popped ourselves down on the waiting list.

I've had it on my mind for a while recently that I should try to "mentally prepare" for that next meeting. What I mean by that, is to describe all the rest of that intensely intimiate and embaressing stuff that I haven't shared yet ;)
See, I bet you were all thinking that having sex once a quarter was bad enough, without finding out there's even more to it than that. I should also probably reread some of what I've written here at some point too. I can't remember whether I've gone into the background of how we met and what things were like then.

Anyway, all of that stuff's been on my mind (some of which we didn't tell the first Relate person), so it came as a bit of a surprise today when Relate called this morning to say "We've had a cancellation. Do you want to come along this evening?"

This time, this was basically another "initial" meeting, this time with a psycho sexual therapist. This means saying much of the same stuff as last time, and the PST (Psycho Sexual Therapist is just too much to keep on typing) can (dis)agree that you're in the right place.

Anyway, we went along and we said everything we had to say. Compared to last time, some things we said more of, other things we said less of. She asked different questions (they were in general of a more sexual nature), and perhaps had a greater understanding of some aspects, but a lesser understanding of others (a great example - having briefly talked about my wife's image of herself, to summarise something the PST said, "Well perhaps you need to lose weight before you start therapy or you might not be happy with yourself, and perhaps that could be a major reason" - oh right, sure, my wife hadn't ever considered that! We now consider ourselves on a path to true enlightenment).
Overall, the PST agreed that we did want a PST. So now we need to get put on (another) waiting list for a regular slot to appear, which may or may not be with the same person.
Overall, my wife and I agreed afterwards that we preferred the first lady we spoke to to the second. Of course, that could have been because she asked simpler/less embaressing questions ;)
The lady we saw today though did seem more like I was originally expecting, and did ask more questions directly related to the physical act of sexual intercourse between a man and a woman.

Sorry, I left that sentence deliberately cheesey ;)

One thing that I remember the person today saying was the length of time it can take for a problem like this to be sorted out - around six to nine months, I think she said.

Monday, June 12, 2006

Can't Sleep

Actually, I'm not sure whether I can't sleep, or won't sleep. Sometimes it's hard to tell.

With reference to what Hanni said a few comments ago, sure, I feel angry sometimes. I felt slightly angry this evening after going to bed.
I just don't quite make it to the sort of Harry Enfield levels of "If she slept in my bed but wasn't up for a good shag, I'd say OI! WIFE! NOOOO! And I'd give 'er a good slappin'."

Even my wife said it earlier in bed. "Do you mind giving me a cuddle?"
"No, of course not"
"I bet even if you did mind, you'd do it anyway"

She's right you know. Maybe I'm just her bitch.

What do I do when I feel angry? Well, I just sort of bottle it up and sit there feeling pissed off at the world. There are times when I do wish I had a baseball bat and enough money to just break anything I wanted and not care about it. But I spend far too much time thinking to act on impulse or instinct enough to actually hit/damage anything.
We never even shout at each other, you know. Not sure why, just doesn't happen. When I lived at home, I'd "always" be shouting at my mum, my dad, or my sister. I get on much better with all of them since I moved out.
My wife says her parents never really shouted at her, they just got quiet. Which she says was much worse than being shouted at. I remain unconvinced.

I'm not a violent person though. Whether it's a lack of passion, or a lack of testosterone, or circumstances, I don't know. Probably just spend too long thinking about everything. I would like to think that if I were put into a circumstance that I were forced to defend someone or something, I would fight for what I thought was right. But the fact of the matter is, I've never hit anyone. Perhaps I best not dwell on that for too long, for fear of doing a bit of a "Fight Club" ;)

One of the things that I hope I would be willing to fight for would be someone else getting unfairly attacked. I remember years ago watching some documentary about wives who were beaten up by their husbands. It made me feel pretty physically sick. I can't understand how someone could do something like that, and I really couldn't understand why someone would live with it. In the years since then, I have gained perhaps a little understanding of both sides, but not anywhere near a justification. Occasionally, I find myself wishing I could understand something. Then I find myself being thankful that I cannot.

Reading Hanni's blog entry about Donna... No, no way. A bit of that feeling rose again. It's sickening behaviour. You can't do that to someone, it's just plain wrong. Nobody deserves that.

A couple of years ago, someone I knew was beaten for even less reason than that. I think he shouted at a bunch of kids (late teens-ish). There was about five or six of them.
I cannot comprehend how five people could ever even consider attacking one person. But they did. And sod stopping when he was down, unable to stand. I heard that they kept kicking him even then. He remembers at that point, one of them even took a flying leap at him. Sure, that's really fucking cool, beating up someone who can't even stand. I REALLY can't understand that, and it is so so wrong.
He couldn't go in to work for a week or two. Six months later, he was still regularly in pain if he moved to the wrong angle. Even now, I think he still has some unhealed injuries.
If I were there, if I had seen that, would I have had the guts to do anything? Or would I have sat on my ass doing sweet fuck all? I don't know. I'd like to think I'd try to help, even if it wouldn't make a difference, even if I knew I'd come out of it like he did.
But would I? I don't know. And overall, I think I probably hope I never have to find out.

Sunday, June 11, 2006

Saturday (Part 2)

An hour later, and she was prodding me awake again. "Thought I'd give you a poke and see if you wanted to get up yet."
"Thanks. I probably will try to move now." She still seemed cheery. "Making progress with the cleaning then?"
"Yep! Finished in the kitchen. Might try to tidy up the cupboard under the sink."
"Oh - You might want to leave that for now. I had been thinking I'd try to fix that tap today."
"Hm. How're you going to do that?" she said, in an almost 'accusational' way.
"...Well, for one thing, I bought a selection of washers a few weeks ago. I also found out some more about replacing the innards," I told her, slightly confused as to why she was even asking, "Why do you ask?"
"Well. You don't know anything about plumbing."
Yeah, thanks for that. That's ignoring changing the tap heads on the kitchen taps, the innards of the hot kitchen tap, and the hours I spent replacing the whole ballcock and valve in the cold water tank. The problem with the kitchen cold tap is that it's different to the hot one, and, as I found last time, doesn't use a standard size washer, and other bits were odd sizes.
I don't know, perhaps I'm just getting more wound up by the small things, but that all just made me feel really irritated.

Anyway, I got dressed and went downstairs. I said I wanted to try to fix the tap today, and reminded her of what I had done before. Anyway, she probably said something like "Fine then, fix the tap". I had some breakfast. She continued to do something in the kitchen. I finished breakfast. She went upstairs to work on the bathroom.
"Right then! Let's get a look at that tap while I won't be in her way."
Only to find out she'd set the washing machine off. Probably not a good idea to turn the water off. Sigh. Oh well.
By the time the washing finished, the football was about to start, so I gave up on the tap (Three minute goal was nice surprise - thought we played well the first half, second half was disappointing).
When the football had finished, I really wanted for us to go outside and do something. It was such a glorious day. As usual, when I asked her, I got the usual "I... don't mind". More probing got a "Well, not specifically, but if you want to, then I don't want to be the one who says let's stay in."
Ok, so we agreed to go out. The next question was where. I find it so hard to believe she's lived her all her life and never has any idea where you could go for a walk.
Eventually, I said I'd just drive somewhere where there seemed to be a lot of space and see if we could find somewhere to stop and have a wander. Well, I drove about in a big figure-of-eight and we didn't end up stopping anywhere. She seemed bored for the first half, but seemed better during the second. Did go through some small roads and up some steep hills, with some pretty light dabbling through the trees and that sort of thing.

Didn't get any thanks for my efforts though ;)

Saturday (Part 1)

She woke up cheerful Saturday morning. That's a rare feat in itself :) I dozily managed to open my eyes (and keep them open) as she got dressed.

"Ooh," I said, "Matching underwear. Phwoar!"

In that magical, mystical place known as "The Mind Of Woman", I imagine I may be committing a cardinal sin by admitting (especially on someone else's behalf) that most days she does not bother wearing matching colour underwear. If you REALLY want to know, it's normally black knickers and a white bra. Today she was all in black, which I think looks so much better :)

She smiled, and wiggled happily. Which was nice. She put on a dress, which I immediately recognised as "old dress we don't care about for doing any old work in".
"Oh! This one's still loose!" she exclaimed (she bought a bunch of new clothes during her low weight point, so they're tighter again now).
"Planning on doing something?" I asked.
"Just some housework - tidy the kitchen, do the washing up, then perhaps clean the bathroom."
"Ok then!" I said as she wandered off. As she left, and I began drifting back to sleep. I was pleased she seemed to be in a good mood.
"Perhaps I'll try to fix that leaky kitchen tap today," I thought to myself.

Saturday, June 10, 2006


Bugger, now I'm clashing writing with the footy.

I've already got one more entry mostly written, so I might get that finished and leave the other 'til later.

Hot Sausage and Mustard

I started with one thing to say this morning, and I've managed to turn it into a few. Rather than writing one long rambly post, I thought I'd try to split some of the points into different posts. Thereby creating many long, rambly posts instead of just the one ;)

This one is a follow up to Food, Glorious Food.

Before the wedding, she lost a good deal of weight on the extremely low calorie diet. She really did do fantastically well during those months, I can't imagine how hard it must be, but I really was proud of her (And of course I told her so). A few weeks before the wedding, she ran out of steam on that diet and just before the wedding, her weight had started creeping back up again.

Since then, she's now put back on about half the weight she had lost. This is such a shame because she had tried so so hard before.

Yesterday morning, she again decided to try going back on this diet again. She managed it all day at work, and said she even turned down an invitation to go to the pub for lunch because she wanted to stay good.
And yet, as soon as I got home, she started asking "Can we have takeout?"
I can't understand why she puts in so much effort at times, only to throw it away again. I didn't let her have takeout. After all, it was only Monday we last had it.
I also told her she really has to pick a diet (or decide she doesn't mind what weight she is), and stick with it.
It's like the Paul McKenna thing on Sky. When she first watched that, I was thinking "Bloody hypnotism, stuff like that, it's all just bollocks innit."
I can see that perhaps hypnotism at times may genuinely be useful, but I associated Paul McKenna with stage hypnotism and all that rubbish.
Once she started watching it though, a lot of what he actually said, seemed sensible. There wasn't much hypnotism stuff, and there was much more "body science" and psychology, that I thought seemed to make sense.
One of the things he said was that thin people eat when they're hungry. Larger people tend to starve themselves, eat a lot, starve themselves, eat a lot, etc., thereby screwing up their metabolism. I don't know whether that's really true, but it sounds sensible to my mind.
Skipping breakfast and lunch only to have a great big tea, just can't be sensible.

Friday, June 09, 2006

People, Blogger, Time, Respect

People are fantastic.

Blogger is fantastic.

I only wish I had more time at the moment.

Nobody I know in real life knows I have this blog. And that, for the foreseable future, is exactly the way I'd like to keep it.

This severely limits the time I can spend reading/writing my blog, the comments for it, and other peoples' blogs. I'm starting to suffer from lack of sleep now - almost every night this week I haven't even gone to bed until 1-2am, and then it usually takes me at least another 30mins to actually get to sleep. Awake again at 7, and after a while, I'm really starting to feel it. (I'm sure some people can manage on less - well, I need my sleep! :) )

But I have to say, there's so much I want in that short amount of time to read and say!

People talk about the Internet, and the freedom it brings people to publish whatever they want. I never really thought about that before outside of "information", such as news and facts.

But with Blogger, people are publishing... Themselves.

Two things - two people - took my times yesterday. I'm not sure in which sequence to mention them, so I'll mention them alphabetically :)

The first was AnnieSeed's blog, Anything but me, which I desperately wanted to post a comment to despite having absolutely no idea what it was I wanted to say (Sorry, I was absolutely knackered by the time I finished it, and probably making little sense).

The other was snow/Hanni's blog, Snow the Flakey Drifter.

Now, I'm going to be completely honest now. And I really hope I don't end up offending snow, because she sounds like a force to be reckoned with ;) But I want to explain where I started from, where I finished, and how I got there.
From the comments that snow had left on my blog, I had a poor first impression of her. Despite the years I have been using the 'net, and some of the gaming crowds I have been in with from time to time, I have always made an effort to type "properly". Even in chat, I continue to try to spell words correctly, use correct punctuation, and even capital letters! ;) (Although I do like my smileys)
if theirs 1thing that bugz me its when ppl use txt speak or 1337 speak and tink it r0x0rz bcuz most of teh time they know what they is doing but carnt be bovvered to write proply, and think it is coolio to right like this. O!!! AND SOMETIMES THEY RANDOMLY USES UPP3R CASE 4 NO REZON!!!!!11!!1eleventyone!!!!1!
Gah! I feel dirty now.
Snow's first post had a hint of "coolness" about it. (Oh God. I'm starting to sound like I wear Y-fronts, enjoy watching paint dry, and couldn't possibly wear my trousers lower than up to my neck)
Hey guy i am Hanni, i rekon you are like doing the right thing. Be kool guy, it will like work itself out now...:)
Now, it's not that bad in the grand scheme of things, but look at "guy" in there, and "cool" spelt with a "k". As I said to Dianne (my first "commenter") at the time, "following her first greeting/comment I was like totally 'I have no idea what to say to that' ;) But still, I started my blog to get different peoples' opinions, and she's a different person". I have to say, reading that back, I can't believe I wrote "I was like totally". How hypocritical am I getting.
But I meant what I wrote - she's not the sort of person I'd normally ask for an opinion on this sort of thing, and therefore EXACTLY the sort of opinions I was originally after!

This was shown in her last comment. Basically, snow asked why I wasn't angry with my wife, and why I didn't hit her (The short answer: Yes, sometimes I feel angry. No, it hadn't even crossed my mind to hit her).

But I went off and read the post in snow's blog about Donna (I felt mildly sickened by the bloke's over-violent reaction - I will try to go into some more detail about this separately).

Then I read her next post. And then the next one. And the one after that. And later I went back and I read all her blogger entries from January 2006 up to April 2006 (my eyes were giving up by then - I'll try to finish reading the whole thing when I have an opportunity).

And now, now I need to say "Thank you!" to blogger for giving people such an easy way to publish their thoughts and feelings.

But an even bigger "Thank you!" goes to snow/Hanni herself, for writing about herself and her life. I mean I made my original character judgement, and it is absolutely fantastic to just feel my opinion of her rising as I read.
So often these days, more and more, it's happening the wrong way around to me. I meet people, they create a good impression, and then they turn out to be a complete and total tit.

Hanni, I now have so much respect for you. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to be wrong about you :)

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Food, Glorious Food

Breakfast, they say, is the most important meal of the day.

In fact, according to some random website Google just found for me:

"Breakfast is one of the most important meals of the day along with brunch, elevensies, lunch, afternoon tea, high tea, tea, dinner, supper, light snacks."

And if Google found that, then it must be true. Everyone knows that anything and everything found on the web can be taken as fact. And that's a fact.

It is also my wife's view. Well, if you add in the nibbles and occasional excessive snacking in-between meals. Personally, I pretty much eat when I'm hungry and stop when I'm not. Occasionally I snack in-between.

My wife, however, does not like herself. She believes that she is fat and overweight. I will not divulge what her weight or measurements are, although I will say that the amount of weight she wishes to lose would not cause her to become "underweight" for her age/sex/height.

She spends a lot of time thinking, planning, brooding and stressing about her weight.
(Sometimes, I feel slightly "jealous" that she can spend so long thinking about her problems and not ours/mine)

I try very very hard to help her as much as I can, because it is such a big issue for her. Personally, I just want her to be happy.

Unfortunately, she is always in two minds about it.
1. Long term - Be good, get thinner, be happy with self
2. Short term - Want nice yummy food

And when you're in the here and now, it tends to be the short term view which takes precedence. After all, there's time to sort out the long term view tomorrow.

And so I find myself stuck in the middle.

I know she won't really feel happy with herself until she's thinner.

She's been on and off diets more than most people switch on their lights.

But every time, and indeed all the time, I try to help her. When she's trying to be good, I try to avoid eating in front of her (even if I am hungry). I try to get rid of as many snacky foods out of the house as I can - I used to have chocolate and stuff around but I no longer do - I buy it and take it straight to work. I guess it doesn't sound much, but it feels a lot. I'm always willing to listen to her and help her with whatever decision it is she's trying to make.
But one of the hardest parts is telling her "No". I mentioned yesterday she had takeout. It had been just over an entire week since the last time. She started asking about it a couple of days ago. She announced on Friday that from Saturday she was going to go back onto an extremely low cal diet. And it was only fair that she was allowed "one last meal". I didn't let her on Friday. She's started that extremely low cal diet and had one last meal at least three times since the honeymoon. Each lasted a couple of days. (She did manage a few months on it before the wedding, but fell off the wagon a few weeks before hand)
I didn't have complete faith that the same thing wasn't going to happpen again (which I think was reasonable), and on top of that, you don't really want to pump your system full of all those extra "toxins" just before you give them up for who knows how long, that just makes the "withdrawal" worse.
She sulked a little about that, but not too much. (Sometimes she REALLY sulks if I don't let her have what she wants, so I let her have it, and guaranteed the next day she'll sulk because she's had bad food)
Anyway, Saturday I thought she did well and she stuck to it all day.
By Sunday she decided she didn't think she could stick to it after all so she'd go back to just trying to not eat excessively.
And you already know what happened on Monday.

It's all just hard work. She's a difficult lass to keep happy, and there are so many things she's unhappy with that are out of my control. But I still put a lot of effort in, and I guess that's one of the reason's I feel I could do with something to recharge MY batteries a little more often.

Sorry, I know this has all been a bit rambly. It's just a fairly significant lump of the overall problem that I thought I'd go into.

Monday, June 05, 2006

Relationships Are No Walk in the Park

When I finished work today, I decided not to come straight home. It had already been a long day (I finished a couple of hours late), and I just wanted to unwind a little before heading home. I looked up at the sky and decided it was so such a lovely evening I'd go for a wander.

It was lovely out. The sun was still shining, there were fluffy clouds in the sky, and the moon was out too, which always seems kinda cool against a sunny blue sky.

When I'm in the mood, I quite like walking. It's nice to just have a bit of a wander sometimes. I had absolutely no idea where I was going (I never realised there were so many forks in that small lump of woodland), and that's half the fun.
Of course, what for many people could be a nice relaxing walk, I turn into a baby marathon. Particularly as I relax, my walking speed tends to increase. Still, it means that you get to see more :)

Still, by then, I felt pretty chilled driving home (my apologies to the two girls stuck in the car behind me, who clearly did not want to be driving to the speed limit).

When I arrived home, my wife (btw, she did know I'd be late) was watching Sky's "Paul McKenna - I Can Make You Thin", or whatever it's called. Sat conspicuously next to her was a bag containing what looked suspiciously like take-out. I was at first slightly confused, presuming that she'd just found the bag somewhere and we'd forgotten to put it in the bin. I don't know why I presumed that.

Which, in a round-about way, brings me closer to my next subject. I did start writing about it earlier, but didn't have time to finish. Right now, I still couldn't be bothered. All the rubbish in this entry was just "off the cuff", whilst I'll actually need to think when I go back to writing the other one ;)

Still, I may get back to it before I go to bed. If not, I'll keep chip chip chipping away at it, until I discover what the maximum size of a blog entry is ;)

I try to avoid the sheep...

They are NOT an acceptable substitute for a healthy sex life. ;)

Besides, I remember the last time I tried to count sheep (a good number of years ago), I was awake for bloody ages just counting! :) Fat lot of use that was.

The Relate office we went to was... unimpressive. The branch closest to us is simply an "outpost".

The wedding video? Well, that's pretty much worse than my dream about including photos! :)

As for breakfast, I rarely tend to manage that. My mornings are rushed enough as it is, without allowing for luxuries such as eating. However, it is related to one of the things I had in mind to talk about...

Time for a quick one...

I'd just like to take another quick opportunity to thank all the people who have taken the time to read any of my posts, and doubly so to those who have left comments.

I don't really have anyone IRL to whom I can speak about this sort of thing, and it's cool to have people to talk to about it. Or even talk at ;)

I don't really have any news to post at the moment, but I might go into some details on some related matters at some point, subject to my having the opportunity to do so.

Night! :)

Sunday, June 04, 2006

Coincidentally enough...

I think it was the same night I made my last post that I vaguely remember dreaming of this blog.

When talking about either of us on here, I have always attempted to remain cloaked in anonymity.

This was true in the dream, however there was one teeny tiny iddle widdle detail that confirmed my identity after she somehow chanced upon this blog...

Apparently posting a dozen photos of me/her/us on the front page was not in spirit with that anonymous identity ;)