Unanswerables

I got myself a bit caught up in trying to ask myself a bunch of questions recently that I couldn't actually answer.

As it happens, I think a lot of them probably don't matter. As Dianne has (roughly) said before, it's more about where to go than where you came from. Well, it was something along those lines anyway :)

I think I'm not actually in a position to ask myself questions at the moment, and that's one of the problems.

I think I just need to keep myself chilled for a few days and see how things go at Relate. Although I am still a little worried at the moment as to whether a Psycho-Sexual Therapist (who we will be seeing) or Relationship Counselling would be most appropriate.
I only conciously thought about the one thing/problem for a long time (pff, typical man ;), but I'm not so sure at the moment. Anyway. That could just be because I'm down for the usual reasons.

Well, it took a little while...

...But we just heard back from Relate.

Got a meeting just after work on Monday evening.

That's... Relieving and nervous ;)

Gosh

Further to my last post...

My boss just mentioned "I was somewhat restrained in the company meeting earlier on with regards to what I said about bonuses. Yours is somewhat more than 10% more of your monthly salary. In fact, it's somewhat more than 100% of your monthly salary."

Wow. ;)

The milky bars drinks are on me! ;)

Yesterday

Strangely enough, had I not run out of time, I was planning yesterday on writing one post called "Yesterday" and another called "Today". Now I might end up with "Yesterday" and "The day before" :)

So, here was the summary (ok, I expected it to be a summary, it's now more like a "Day in the life of...") of yesterday:

• Got up around 10:30, having been to bed far too late the night before
  
• Stopped buggering about on the computer by about 12
  
• Walked in to town (my wife had the car as she was at work) It's not too far into town (about 1.5 miles I think), but it's odd to walk instead of drive :)
  

Right, time to save this as a draft and continue later... Just got told asked to show something off in a company meeting... Which starts in 3.5 minutes time ;) Only need a couple of words, but best think work out vaguely what ;)

...Time passes...

Cool, we're all getting bonuses of "no less than 10% of your monthly salary" this month. lol, maybe I'll go spend some money now, hardly spent any recently ;) *cough*

I shall continue...

• Got hair cut
  
• Began my crazed high-speed wander around town. I really have to concentrate when if I ever want to "amble" around, and the more I relax the faster I tend to walk. This also has the unfortunate effect of meaning that because I zip around so quickly, I tend to remember things on one side of town I want on the other, so end up zipping from side-to-side ;)
  
• Saw nothing of interest in neither Woolies nor Smiths. Forgot to go into Dixons somehow. Some of the TVs in the Sony Centre looked poorly setup.
  
• Glanced at what places had the K800i in stock, to look forwards to when it arrives (theoretically today, but according to the order tracking page it suggested there may have been a problem), and to be pleased when it wasn't around as that clearly shows how new and exciting it is ;)
  
• Was amused to see that the full size Master Chief from Halo was still in one of the games shops. Halo was one of the games I played over the weekend with my sister on her new computer. Was good for a laugh when trying to get my sister, Mum and Dad into a jeep together to come and attack me ;) My mum is terrible with that sort of thing ;)
  
• Spotted the top (below) (didn't think about that being "top below" until much later - no pun was intended - for a change ;) in Burton for only £7! Was so pleased at seeing something I liked for under a tenner than I decided to look at the work shirts too. Failed to spot the price (could only see the "Buy two, get £5 off" sign - which suggested they were reasonably expensive), so thought I'd pick them up then find out how much they were. £18 each (so £15.50 after £5 off for two) - much more than I would spend on a shirt recently, but then I've not really been happy with the last few shirts I've bought, whilst I still quite often wear some I bought from Burton yeears ago when I started work - probably before I had fully developed my "How much!?" habit ;) Most of my work shirts are a single solid colour, but I've fancied a bit of a change recently for a more white-based affair. I don't wear a tie on a day-to-day basis either, but having a few more just to increase that agony of choice when I do wear one can only be... well, a pain in the arse probably ;)
  
• Thought about getting some food. I've developed a little keenness for Subways recently, but decided I wasn't in the mood to properly appreciate such a crafted baguette ;) Burger King was just next door, and I decided I'd go for their Sweet Chilli Chicken Baguette. Was pretty hungry by then (having not eaten that day, and not had a proper meal in over 24 hours), but decided to wait until I'd finished my purchases before buying food after all - would be nice to chill at home with some nice food :)
  
• Remembered most of my socks are juuust starting to develop holes, so bought 14 new pairs from M&S. How practical ;) Actually, that's the first time I've ever bought some socks! 26 years old and I only just bought some socks ;) I mean my mum tended to buy 'em when I was at home, and my wife bought a bunch for me for Christmas several years ago (hey, I wanted some ;), so I've never needed to buy any before.
  
• Decided I'd go to Thorntons and buy some choccies for m' wife. I had a bit of a go (relatively) at her Monday night for having had takeout each night I'd been away... And then standing on the scales and looking unhappy that she'd gone up. I know it's pretty much an addiction, but it's just something I can't understand. I wish she'd either eat and not be bothered about her weight, or eat less and be happy. She was so so pleased earlier in the year when she was at her lightest since I've known her, and she looked better and felt so much better about herself. In near enough six months, she's practically back where she started, and I just don't understand that. I've said before, and still believe, that "sexy is a state of mind"... I just can't get her back into that state of mind. Anyway. As food makes her (temporarily, short-term) happier, I thought she'd like some chocs, and to try to say that if she does want to eat, then fair enough. Besides, it's not like you actually get many in those boxes ;)
  
• Went back to Burger King and got my baguette and Oasis (didn't fancy anything fizzy, given I felt pretty hungry)
  
• Figured I'd catch either a bus or a taxi (I couldn't be bothered to wait for a bus - normally if I wait for a bus I tend to end up walking along the stops until I see one) back home, but unfortunately, was completely unfamiliar with the new layout of things... Forgot to stop at the new bus station and didn't see where the taxis are now. So ended up walking all the way back home again, and because I was so desperate to get home, ended up walking even faster than my normal pace.
  
• Was absolutely knackered by the time I got home and ended up going for a shower. Somehow managed to be less than like 20mins! (Probably because I couldn't have stood up much longer than that ;)
  
• Was about 4:50 by the time I'd done in the shower and flopped back downstairs.
  
• My wife got home and we chatted about her day for a bit.
  
• Eventually got around to microwaving my (now cold, of course) baguette and having it for breakfast/lunch/tea at around 6ish.
  

PHEW! :)

Oh, and that excludes the Messenger conversations with my boss about taking something live before 9am this morning, so I got it done last night. Although that sort of thing probably helps account for the bonus ;)
Oh, and I tried to have a little nap at around 7pm for 30mins (I'm so hip ;) Felt fairly tired, but it turned out not really sleepy.

Ummm... and I think that's about it. Sorry, I hadn't really been meaning to go into QUITE so much detail, but it just sort of... slipped out ;)

I need a holiday

Phew. Today turned out to be quite busy! Wanted to post more about it, and some bits about Monday night, but I ran out of time, and I'm too tired now ;)

Suz, Jen, I'm sorry... I spent too much time on the wrong side of the window ;)

Included a pic of all my purchases for the day... Except the haircut ;)

Home again, home again

Well, I'm back home again :)

AND I got the day off tomorrow :)

It doesn't feel that long since I last got my hair cut, but it feels too long (length-wise, not time-wise), so I'll probably go get it cut again. Hmm, will probably spend HOURS wandering around town and not get anything else. That's my usual affair with town :)

De-Stressing

I suppose that's what I'm doing at any rate :)

Spent £300 on new computer bits the other day (they arrived yesterday :) (CPU, 2gig RAM)

Ordered a new Sony Ericsson K800i last night :) (£35/month, half price for 11 months, 12 month contract)

Spent aaages dithering about both :) Pretty excited about the phone though, I've never really gone for a whizzy one before, and I've been wanting one with a camera for a while, and it's supposedly got a really good camera (for a phone) in it :) (My current phone is a Nokia 3220, which is ok, but a little boring)

Anyway, I'm at my parents at the moment. Got my sister's new PC built today, got Windows & Office installed, and now comes the unenviable task of getting all those other bits and bobs she wants sorted ;)

I came over here on my own. Since I moved out, I only remember having come over here alone once before, and I don't actually remember when/why that was, but I don't think it was especially significant.
This time though, I suggested a couple of days ago I might go on my own. I thought it might make for a small break. I thought perhaps it'd give her a bit of space to think about things.
Following on from previous conversations, she seemed to have started the week on a fairly positive note, but by the end she'd already been seeming to have lost a bit of that energy. Regardless, it's difficult sometimes to go to bed with the person you love night after night and (at the start of the week) to get a little attention but not quite enough, or (at the other end of the week), to get nothing at all.
So I thought a break for a couple of days might be nice. She was a bit hurt that I wanted her not to come.
I relatively often don't go to her parents (nothing against her parents, I quite like both of them - even if her Dad's a bigger pessimist than she is ;), but I tend to quite like having a bit of space for a weekend and milling about whenever you want and putting a film on or something whenever I want :)
So, anyway, I'll give her a ring in a little while and find out how she's spent her day (She always calls me each night before bed when she goes to her parents).

Sorry, I seem to have got a bit rambly in all of that :) I thought I only had like three things to say (bought two things, at parents without her), but look how much space I managed to use in saying it ;)

Well bugger me sideways

I never realised (or remembered, or clicked, or thought about it - one of those) that these:


Were the same as these:


I had a conversation where I mentioned "dandelions (those white fluffy things)" shortly followed by "dandelions (those yellow things)"... Shortly followed by "hang on, which one's which, then?" and it was subsequently pointed out to me what a plonker I was being ;)

I probably had heard that before, it's just that it clearly hadn't sunk in ;)


Note: No, I didn't take these pictures. I "borrowed" them from here and here.

What's brown and sticky?

A stick!

Which is what I thought of when thinking about some of the comments to my last (significant) post. A healthy green stick can take a lot of bending before it breaks. And if things ever did get that bad, I suspect you'd have been bent enough to prepare for the *snap*

But, as everyone has said, communication is key. Key to straightening out and repairing that stick before it bends a bend too far.

The reason I made that post was that I got speaking (online) to a girl (whom I hadn't before a few days ago) who, after having lived a "normal life" (i.e. standard Western culture-sort-of-affair) for the last year, was returning to a life of seclusion, complete with an arranged marriage to a man she does not know.
Terrible choice to have to make - I imagine it was posed as a choice between which life to leave behind. I wonder whether the choices were equally difficult, or whether one seemed easier to just drift along with the choices made by others? I wonder whether she knew which one she wanted, and whether she chose it or not?
I think I can guess some of the answers to those questions.

Anyway, I could kind of see someone in that situation ending up in the place I described below, especially one forced to play the "obedient wife" role (hah, I'm not forced, I play that role by choice ;).
I remember having read somewhere before some sort of "Guidelines for a Married Woman". I can't remember whether it was actually a joke, or a serious set of "instructions" from the 50s or something. It was probably the former posing as the latter. Couldn't find them on Google though (gasp! My search was defeated!)

I hope she finds happiness though.

Anyway, several of my recent posts have had a number of interesting comments added that my regular audience (ooh, I have a regular audience! That sounds so cool ;) Thank you, people! :) ) may have missed. Partly because Snow/Hanni had been on holiday and then let go with her opinions when she read my thoughts ;), partly because I then answered some, and some from Iona, the girl who's gone to get married.

Back to Random - Wow, imagine never having been to a supermarket until the age of 19.

Buses - "Caustic" Hanni :) and a long(ish) comment back from me.

Balance - Iona made me think of those "Guidelines" I mentioned.

Zat's all for now. (I don't know why the silly "voice" :)

Bit Knackered

Long day today. Only got home from work a short while ago.

Just wanted to thank people for their comments to my previous post. I'll write something back at some point, including explanation of why I wrote it.

Right now though, I'm too tired and sleepy :)

Burried Fear

I am not really... Ready... to write this post. It is the "if the worst came to the worst" worry at the back of my mind. I do not feel this situation has arrived. With luck, it never will. However I have a slight worry that it could one day sooner or later turn into a big worry. That is not to say that I think it will. Got that? I am sure that if such situation does arrive, I will be posting all about it here. And I can easily imagine the responses at that time.

So, with that disclaimer in mind, I implore you, be fair with your comments today ;)

I am writing this to try to explain to someone else the absolute truth and absolute fear at the bottom of my situation. People should be prepared as best they can be for what may await them.

---

Months ago, I knew what the problem was.

We weren't having enough sex.

The thing that worries me now is whether that is the real problem or not. It was an easy thing to blame.

As some people have noticed, I care about all sorts of things. I care about people who can't reach something at the back of the shelves in the supermarket when I have to stretch to reach something, and I bring several "spares" to the front of the shelf for other people.
I care about sad stories on the other side of the world. I care about my job, my company, and the people I work with. I even cared about the trainee we fired (not in THAT way!). I care about offending the feelings of people I do not know.

But the more I know someone, the more I care about them.

I do love my wife, and I believe she loves me absolutely.

I hate to cause her even a little bit of hurt, which is why I struggle to be honest with her about some issues, even when I need to be.

How could I ever even contemplate causing her the pain of taking away the thing she loves most dearly, regardless of how I feel myself? How could anyone do that to someone?

Back to Random

I went food shopping last night. I quite like food shopping :)

For some reason it always feels like it calms me down. I do like to walk up and down pretty much every single isle though, even if I don't think there's anything I want down it. I mean it's nice to just walk a little further, and to make SURE there's nothing I want down it :) Well, or if there is but I thought there wasn't, the chances are I forgot to notice it anyway, but that's not the point ;)

Last week the supermarket was a little low on some of the old luxury items - such as, y'know, bread - so I ended up spending at least five minutes wondering what bread I wanted to pick up as all of the usual suspects were unavailable.
So I eventually chose "Warburtons Crusty" (White). Quite soft and fluffy and bready :) Was quite nice :)

So, yesterday when I saw (yet again) that the usual ones weren't available, I leapt straight in for the Warburtons Crusty again.
Now, it's been sitting next to me all morning as I've been working, with that lovely bready smell drifting up, tantalising and tempting me all morning :)

Well, lunchtime finally came, and I could rush off and make my sandwich :)

So I've got me nice fluffy white bread (and very nice and properly bready it is too :), with me Cathedral City Mature Cheddar, just a little pickle (Branston's, small chunks - squeezy, because it's more convenient for work) , and, I must confess, some ham.
The reason I feel the need to confess about the ham is that I only bought it last night with the bread - and (prepare yourselves for a sharp intake of breath in sheer astonishment) I only just opened a fresh packet of Pork slices of some sort yesterday lunchtime. Oh deary deary me, how naughty is that? ;)
But with that bread intoxicating my sense of smell all morning, I just felt much more in the mood for a cheese/pickle/ham sandwich than the pork stuff :)

Well, if it gets to the end of the week and both have gone off, I'll only have myself to blame ;)

Buses

It may be a cliché, but after not much for a few days, I really do appear to be plopping them out at full force now.

I guess it's all stuff that was on my mind anyway, and as soon as you start writing one, you think of all the others you could write.

Unfortunately, although it sometimes gets things out of my head, it rarely gets them off of my chest.

Over these last few weeks, even when stuff isn't conciously at the forefront of my mind, I feel very distracted at work. I feel quite guilty about it. I'm very aware of the fact that I am much less productive than normal.

It used to be the case that I could bounce my personal life off of my work life. I enjoy my job, so I could come to work and relax. When work got busy, I could go home and relax. Recently though, I am (as usual) on the "critical path" on a number of urgent projects. I know how important they are, and I know how much I need to concentrate on them.
And yet I find myself distracted. Distracted by conversations with co-workers, by what's going on outside, wondering whether anyone's left comments to my blog, wondering whether other blogs I read have been updated, by the link on a webpage unrelated to what I should be reading, by the empty space in the middle of the room... Pretty much everything really.
And it's really irritating me. Occasionally I have a few hours where I manage to sort myself out and concentrate, and in those few hours I feel like I've achieved what was taking me several days without that focus. Which only goes to serve as a reminder to me of just how little I'm doing the rest of the time!

I'm not a stressed person by nature, but I now find myself thinking (and worrying) about work at home, and home at work. Whilst all the time, making roughly zero progress on either.

I almost feel like a holiday away from EVERYTHING, which is not a thought I have ever really had before. Which bothers me a bit. And besides, even if I did, I know everything would still be there and just the same when I came back to it.
I know that years ago, when my wife used to work at her old job (which she didn't like), she said she used to think about running from everything (especially whenever she heard Placebo's Slave to the Wage) for a bit. I never understood that.

Or perhaps I simply need to cover my desk with a few more of these.

Balance

In the past, I've felt that if at least the physical stuff were sorted, then I could cope with all the emotional stuff a bit better.

I could keep on picking myself up and putting her problems before my own, content with the knowledge that I am important to her, even if she's not the best at expressing it.

Like a set of scales. If either aspect weren't perfect, you could take the good stuff from one side, and use that to "refuel" yourself to have enough energy to put into the other side.
I hear other blokes I know complain about not "getting enough", shall we say, but I know they're happy. I have presumed that for them, they get enough on the emotional side to keep them happy on the physical side.

I know we're near (I hope) the bottom of a curve on a chart, before hopefully everything starts to head back up again, but I've just started to worry sometimes that there's more wrong than I may care to admit.

What's Bothering Me

"How important am I to you?" I asked my wife yesterday.

I already knew the answer, but I had to ask the question.

She looked lost for a second - I had asked this little number out of the blue.

She sat down next to me.

"You're very important to me," she said.

You see, as I told her, whilst I knew what the answer was, the reason I had to ask it is that she doesn't make me FEEL it.
Whether it's food issues, work, or her latest personal "project", there so often feels like there's something else that's more important than me.

She'd been trying to be a little closer and taking more opportunities to be a little kissy and cuddly back over the last week, but over the last day or two, I'd already seen that enthusiasm begin to wane.
And I suddenly realised what it felt like. In some ways, getting just a little bit of attention is worse than none - it reminds you how much you want.
And I've been there, we've been there, so, so many times before over the years. I'm tired of living only in hope, and need more.

Since that conversation yesterday, she's done a quite remarkable (for her ;) job of putting a happy face on and trying to seem happy.

But...

The problem is I'm still worried. Worried that everything has gone on too long, and it won't feel right again.

And...

I'm trying to write this without thinking, but it's still difficult. Hey, I suppose that's a good sign?

And...

I'm worried that there's always been that nagging doubt. The one that lurks at the back of your mind and says "Yes, I do love this woman... But is this what I dreamed of all those years ago? Should it feel more 'right' than this?"

But...

The thing is... The thing is... I know she doesn't have that doubt.

A Journey of Mixed Feelings

...But then, aren't they all? :)

Just upgraded to the new Blogger beta. Oh no! It doesn't have the ability to edit the HTML template at the moment. How long will I have to live without my stats!? :)

Ok, perhaps I am a little too nosey ;)

I started writing something about where I am (well, what's worrying me) on other issues earlier. But I didn't finish it. So there. ;)

Thinking

I keep thinking recently. About everything. I haven't really worked out what it is I'm thinking some of the time, and other times I just plain don't really want to write about it. Writing about some of it feels like it could make it more real, or potentially turn a tiny non-thought into a whopper.

But I did read something recently that really did sink through the surface layers of thought and hit me at a slightly deeper level. I'd been reading a thread in some forum about forgiveness. Not in regards to me or my situation, but in regards to someone else's.
As I think I have said before, I'm not particulary religious (I suppose the best way to put it is that I am not "God-fearing") (overall, I probably think of myself as averagely apathetic, although that is probably a bit of an exaggeration), and yet I found myself reading this thread about forgiveness in a Christian forum. I'd all but stopped reading it, when I just happened to hop back and look at it one last time.

Here is an excerpt of what someone had written:

It starts with a thought. No big deal there. It is not rooted in our emotions yet. Easy to deal with at the thought stage. Easy to put away. But a thought dwelt on turns into an imagination. Now here is where the emotions get involved. An imagination is a thought empowered by emotion. Now it is harder, because now you cannot have that thought without it stirring emotion. This is harder to deal with. And the more we dwell on it, it turns into a stronghold. Now it has a deep emotional root, and takes the weaponry of God to deal with.

Well, I'm not sure about the "weaponry of God" part, but I understood what he was saying, and it certainly made me think, and I thought I'd share it.
(Even although I think it's pretty unlikely the author will read it here, I hope he won't mind that I have quoted it - I suppose that really I should ask his permission or let him know, but... Well, I suppose I'm slightly guilty about quoting something from a Christian forum in a sort of non-Christian sense)

Oh well, that's one more thing to chew over :)

Welcome Googlers

I notice from my stats that people have sometimes bumped into my blog while searching for stuff on Google.

So, in an effort to make your lives easier:

1. The wonderful Hovis wheat field advert:
   
   
   
   • Can be viewed on the Hovis website.
     
   • To the person who seemed to spend hours looking for the music to this advert, you may find the UK Television Advert Break Music Database of help.
     
   
   
2. The Radio 1 "Anteater" spoof of Nelly Furtado's "Man Eater".
   
   
   
   • You can find the Anteater lyrics here on ChrisMoyles.net
     
   • You can download the Anteater song here from ChrisMoyles.net
     

That's all for now :)

One for the Ladies

I have three... no, wait, four pairs of shoes (That's including the pair of sandals I bought while on honeymoon).

Noticed this story as I looked up some info on the planes again, and I thought some of those girl things who read my blog would have been interested ;)

Oh, that's... A pair of work shoes, a pair of trainers, walking boots (don't think I've worn them this year), and the sandals I mentioned :)

Right! Must.. get.. concentration back again...

No News is Good News

Hadn't posted anything, because I didn't really have anything to say :) Been feeling a bit more on top of things (if not people ;) again though :)

I've been very easily distracted at work recently, but I think I'm getting my concentration back there, too. Uhh, ok, I should be working now, but that's not my fault, that's the fault of people moaning about a lack of updates. I choose to ignore the fact that if I wasn't distracted, I wouldn't have known they were moaning about a lack of updates ;)

Speaking of holiday though, I knew three people who were due to be flying today! Two back from Germany (business) and one to Canada on holiday with his wife and six year old. Hah! He thought keeping her amused on an eight hour flight was going to be tough yesterday! Bet he's in high spirits today ;) Still, I suppose we shouldn't forget how lucky we are when we still have something to complain about.

I've still been thinking a bit about whether I should talk to someone, in a "professional" sense. Obviously, I have some great excuses why not to ;) (When/where, and feeling a bit better again recently anyway) Ok, lame excuses then, but tough luck ;) Anyway, I'm not denying I don't necessarily have some issues, nor am I saying that I think they'll go away on their own. So quit complainin' ;)

Wow, it's pissing it down outside :) Wait, no, easing off already. I don't think I'll go for a walk at lunch though ;)

In a continued bout of hypocrisy though ( :-P ), I did suggest to my wife that perhaps she should go talk to her doctor about stuff and see what he had to say. She has talked to her doc about specific issues before (e.g. food, migraines, lack of energy), but I suggested she try talking about them all as a package. I did, of course, offer to go with her (partly for myself, as an anti-excuse to my reasons earlier), but she said it would feel like when you're little and go with your mum or something :)

Actually, I hadn't thought about that recently. When she went before (hmm about two years ago I guess) about a lack of energy (and, or specifically, libido), they said she had an uhh under-(I think)-active thyroid, and that this would cause a lack of energy, low metabolism, putting on weight would be easy, taking it off would be hard, responsible for world war, lack of rain in deserts, etc. etc. And so they put her on thyroxin (what the thyroid produces) and said that everything would be wonderful, that she'd have more energy, magically lose weight, that war will end and that the deserts will bloom! Or something like that. Only... It didn't actually appear to make a blind bit of difference.

I'm pretty sure I've mentioned to her before that she should talk to them about that, although I don't remember her telling me anything they said other than her throxin levels appear to be ok now.
Actually, I remember mentioning with the 2nd Relate counsellor we saw, after the Relate lady asked whether she was on any sort of medication and my wife said no. I mentioned it because it always stuck in my mind that it was supposed to be this like magic cure-all wonder which she got all excited about for a bit, and then nothing happened.

Hrmm, looks like I had more to write about than I realised! Although I hadn't actually thought about most of that until I started writing.

Anyway, I think I have to go spank myself for not having done any work in the last hour now ;)

PS. Oh, and it's stopped raining and the sun's come out again. Well, it had when I wrote that, but then I got distracted and it's gone again :) Thought it was pretty cool driving home yesterday - really cloudy and overcast, but with some bits illuminated by sunshine :) Always makes me think when it looks cloudy in the sky but things are lit up by sunshine :)
PPS. Nope, now it's raining again :) ... No, no... stopped again actually :) Good old British weather ;)

Kryten Said It Best

"Oh, I can't get the hang of these human emotions. One moment I'm happy, the next I'm miserable. What's wrong with me? I'm up and down more often than a pair of kangeroos in the mating season."

Just suddenly came across all nervey and jumpy a little while ago, for no big reason.

This is all way weird.

I'm not sure where it came from

...But since I got home, I feel like I've found a little energy.

Odd, one of the first things I did when I got home was take the batteries out the recharger and put them in the radio, so she can listen to music again in the morning while she washes her hair. Perhaps some of it rubbed off?

She is giving blood at the moment, but should be home soon. Something that I, incidentally, have never done. I actually considered going with her on the spur of the moment tonight, just to do something together, but decided it probably wasn't a good idea (Didn't eat well again today+Didn't want to risk losing the little energy I had - 'though as I said, it seems to be building up from somewhere).

Tempted to cook some tea for us both, but I'm 1. Not sure what to go for, and 2. it's often times like this she'll want to bring food home with her. (Although she has been good recently - on her way to/from her parents, she stopped at a few garages without picking up any food - that's good for her :)

Think I want to put on a film or some TV that's light and fluffy tonight for us to watch together. A few episodes of Coupling would be good (ok, the subject may be iffy, but it is very funny), although I don't actually have any. Still, t'Internet is a handy thing if you know where to look... Two hours ETA it says atm on the first two episodes ;)

Right, I'm off to work out how else I can best "invest" this energy until she gets home!

The Cliff

I thought that this weekend I had managed to calm myself down a lot. Managed to chill out, relax, de-stress a bit. But my thoughts sure are running in circles right now. Of course, it seems to be a lot hotter again today, and I always find it even more difficult to sleep/stop thinking in the heat.

I think it feels like this...

I am standing on the edge of a cliff.

For a long time, I have been slowly leaning further and further over the cliff, a tiny fraction of a degree at a time.

No matter how far you lean, you're still only leaning. You can get pulled back again.

Then, for the briefest of moments that can feel like eternity, you're perfectly balanced. Neither leaning nor falling.

And then, all of a sudden you're not leaning anymore. The wind is rushing past, and where before everything happened oh so slowly, everything is happening in mere seconds, yet each second occurs in slow motion.

Everything's changed oh so very quickly, and I don't know what's at the bottom of the cliff.

Ironically, our conversation Thursday night has given her some things to think about, and I believe she is making more of an effort.
While we were hugging earlier, she said she didn't want to let me go.

I said there was going to be a lot of work for us both.

She loves me so, so much.

I'm scared.

I remember reading (I think on Relate's website) that because most couples see therapy as a last resort, they can leave it almost too late, when everything becomes harder to fix.

In the initial meeting we had with Relate, they said there were two types of counselling that could be applicable to us; relationship counselling and psycho-sexual therapy.
We're on the waiting list for a psycho-sexual therapist. I'm not sure it's the right one anymore.

Recently, a day or two ago, someone suggested to me that if our regular PST appointment still didn't become available this week, that I should go talk to someone myself. At the time, it did seem an almost silly idea. Now I'm not so sure.

I don't know whether this blog (all of it I mean, not just this post) has done me much good or harm. Hopefully at least right now, writing all of this will stop it running through my head over and over.


I don't want to hurt her.

Random Spillage

Thought I'd let a few random thoughts spill out of my brain and into my blog :)

1. The radio played "Ant Eater", a spoof of Nelly Furtado's "Man Eater" this morning, which was mildly amusing. Although it reminded me that when I was little(r), I used to think ant eaters were really cool.

2. For some reason, this reminded me that I also used to think Weeping Willows were really cool. For some reason, I used to say "Weeping Willow Weeping Willow Weeping Willow!" when I saw one. I honestly have no idea why :)

3. The next song on the radio was Feeder's "Buck Rogers". Hah! Never thought about the lyrics in THAT before!

4. Wow, am I tired. Not sure whether it is a good thing or a bad thing that I have this office to myself again today ;) The afternoon will probably be a struggle.

Oh well, onwards and upwards.

Hello Google:  Looking for info on the Anteater spoof of Man Eater?  Check here for info.

Phew

That's never easy, and it's getting harder.

I told her I was sad and hurt.

I've put a film on, she's gone to bed. Conversations like that are never easy, and both people tend to need a bit of "recovery" time.

Blue

Over the last few years, I've gone through a lot of phases. Many of them this year.

At around the start of the year, I had a lot of thoughts & emotions all running through my head. I felt anxious, concerned, hopeful, depressed, frustrated, horny, anger, fear and love. I guess bitter, too, however that is one I especially do not want. I don't want it to be the last one left.

By March, some were stronger and some were lesser, although by the end of the month, I had relaxed in all areas a little.

April-May was, I guess, much the same thing.

But some time in June-July, a lot of it just went walk-about, and I felt eerily calm at times. Even after making great big honest posts, I continued to feel much the same way ('though obviously somewhat emotional at time of writing).

Sometimes, I even felt good for no apparent reason.

Over the last week or so, the counterweight has kicked in its balance. Rather than the earlier mix of emotions, I've just felt kind of sad.
And worried, at the fact that I just felt kind of sad.

My wife's away to see her parents this weekend (It's nice to stay home and have some space), and I think I need to talk to her about a lot of this soon/tonight.

I guess I also feel guilty at how she feels vs. how I feel, which is probably why I haven't had one of those conversations already.

Ahh well, I'm feeling a bit better today, and now I've "confessed" all of that, hopefully I can properly concentrate on everything :)

PS. The biscuit issue is one I feel strongly on, and I will be coming back to respond to the comments I did get there ;)

Dunkin' Biccies

I confess, I'm a biscuit dunker :)

Especially with that ~10:30am cup of tea. I've just woken up enough by then to appreciate a little food (well, breakfast ;), and to properly enjoy it with me cup of tea :)
Rather than proper biscuits, I tend to actually favour small chocolate bars. Fox's Rockys (the original/chocolate ones, not the caramel ones) are a good choice, as are Fox's Triples. They both have a good balance of biscuit and chocolate :)

Then you need to get the timing and temperature right. I tend to start my dunking when my tea's either too hot to drink, or just about right for me to start drinking.
But leave it in there for too long, and all of a sudden you lose the whole thing! ;) I try to aim for a crunchy biscuit with good amount of melted chocolate ;) And preferably without having lost half the chocolate into me mug :)

Fox's Echos (especially the minty ones) are nice too, as are Twixs and Clubs, but they're not so good for dunking in your tea. Wagon Wheels are a stuggle, unless you have a large mug ;)

Speaking of Wagon Wheels, I was reminded to start this post just now after I had a doughnut.

"What!?" I hear you say, "Speaking of Wagon Wheels you just had a doughnut? What are you dribbling about man, where's the connection!?"

Well, this morning (at around the time of the 10:30 tea round ;), I thought about the dunking part of this post, but I restrained myself from jumping on and writing it (Some nonsense about "I really should be doing some work"). Well, I just had a doughnut, and I found myself thinking as I ate it, I wonder how most people eat their doughnuts and similar food.
See, the connection between doughnuts and (jammy) Wagon Wheels is... The jam!

See, with doughnuts and Wagon Wheels and Jaffa Cakes, I always find myself nibbling around the outside and then having the jammy (or orangey, in the case of Jaffa Cakes) bit last. And 'lo, for I found myself wondering, is this common practice? (..practise..practice..I think it's the one with the "c") I surely am not alone in my jam-avoidance eating, but what is the popular opinion?
And this time the urge to get this information out of my system was too strong ;)

So, to borrow a phrase from Cadbury's, "How do you eat yours?"

Biorhythms

I first heard of biorhythms many years ago. I think it was on a floppy disk filled with 101 random utilities, and one of them was a biorhythm calculator.
The theory behind biorhythms is that from when you are born, there are three cycles "bouncing" up and down (or cycling, if you prefer ;) over and over again.

The theory goes that there are three cycles, for "Physical", "Emotional", and "Intellectual", and they all flow up and down independently of one-another. This means that sometimes they might all be up at the top of their cycles together, down at the bottom together, or scattered all over the shop.

Here's my chart for today:

(Generated here)

I don't really believe that there could be such completely consistent cycles from the day you're born right the way through your life (after all, I gather even the most well known of human monthly cycles can shift around a bit - and I hear "synchronise" with others - scary thought ;)

But sometimes I do wonder if there could be something along those lines.

Or perhaps it's just which side you get out of bed ;)

Hah! I remember hearing my driving instructor believed in them. I looked mine up on the day I took a driving test (I forget whether it was the 2nd or 3rd/final), and mine were pretty much all scheduled to be rock-bottom on the day.

See also: "20th Century DJs used to suffer with it all the time..."