Sunday, July 30, 2006

Something I Was Thinking...

The Sun

It brings life...

And it takes it away

Just something I thought about recently while having a wander, so took the camera with me the next day. It's quite hard to get a picture of the sun! But I thought the lens flare was quite cool ;)

Thursday, July 27, 2006


I sometimes feel rejected.

This is probably obvious.

I think I said some months ago, that you miss some of the simple things. Like hardly ever kissing for more than a quick peck. I think she's said in the past that she often doesn't want to go giving a niice kiss in case I get over-excited and subsequently let down.

I miss feeling wanted.

Even when we do do stuff occasionally, it often starts with reluctance on her part, before she changes her mind. So sometimes even when we do do stuff, I don't quite get into it emotionally. Pff, listen to me. I sound like a woman ;)

Of course, this is why we need to get things sorted out, and where Relate can hopefully help.

I haven't thought about it much recently, but sometimes I do feel slightly worried about actually getting things solved and/or going to Relate! What if we can't get things sorted out? Or, what if we get things technically sorted out, but I'm still sad? Of course, these questions cannot really be answered.

She does fancy me in theory (she likes my bum :-P and my tummy), but she just never thinks about it in the right way.

I have always said that sexy is a state of mind. Sexy is about not just about how you look or what you wear, but about how you wear it and how you move. Sometimes, you see tiny girls with big breasts and skimpy clothing, who actually manage to somehow not be very sexy. You see this sometimes in music videos. Even when they're supposedly dancing seductively, you can see they almost look like they're trying to remember exactly what dance move to do next, and the look of concentration on their face as they desperately try to languidly stroke their thighs.

Once-upon-a-time, my wife felt sexy. She was good at it too.

But in general, she has a poor self-image of herself. She doesn't feel horny because she is too busy thinking about how she feels like a big fat blob.

I have tried so, so hard over all the years to help her to shake this image she has of herself, but I think unfortunately I cannot help her with this. She can only help herself.

Over the years I have known her, the occasions on which she feels anything more than (very) "short term horny", are the times when people (men) show an interest in her.
This allows her to put aside her own beliefs and to see herself in someone else's eyes, someone who fancies her. This is true in both the real and the virtual world. Even simple flirting with someone can be enough to restore her self-opinion enough for her to start feeling sexy again.
Unfortunately, after she was used to me for more than a few months, the fact that I felt she was gorgeous and sexy wasn't enough anymore. I don't want to say she takes it for granted, but I guess it's along those lines. She knows that I believe it, but she will not/can not believe it herself.
She will oh so rarely genuinely accept any compliment I pay her. It's not even the stereotypical "womany" style of compliment rejection - i.e. it's not "you look nice in that dress" "do you mean I look bad in a different dress?" so much as "you look nice today" "hmph." "what?" "I had a bad lunch", etc.
Or sometimes if it's more of a "phwoar! you look pretty hot! nudge nudge wink wink" sort of compliment, I think she tends to just want to hide, for guilt of not wanting to nudge nudge wink wink.

Because I know how much of an issue some of this is, I'd be quite happy for her to engage in "harmless flirting" (e.g. chatting online to people on the other side of the world or something) sometimes, because I know by now that there's often not really anything that I can say/do to cheer her up myself (and that's often depressing all on its own). She doesn't actually do this though, although I'm not sure that that isn't just because she doesn't have somewhere to do it.
I don't understand why she's almost so unwilling to try to feel sexy at all. She's acknowledged before that doing things like, for example, reading sexy stories has worked, but she refuses to read any! I don't understand :(

Recently (i.e. about the last five months) she seems to have gone even more downhill and never really seems to even TRY anything. I'm not sure whether this is related to the marriage, or the hope that maybe Relate will sort things out (Except for that taking its time to get us a regular meeting), or something else.
I just wish she'd look like she at least tried to make an effort sometimes, or something! It's this recent "excessive lack of effort" that is I think starting to get to me. It was only a few months ago that I posted "Hope". I have no real short-term hope anymore of anything happening by surprise. Whilst I suspect my feelings would come back if she felt sexy again, she does not seem as sexy or as pretty to me as I used to find her.

I know she loves me. In fact, because of all this, she probably still feels more in love with me than I with her sometimes. She wanted three things. (1) Wedding, (2) Bigger house, (3) Children (not in the immediate/forseeable future, just in general). I've given her (1) (hah!), but I'm not moving an inch on the others until I'm happy and things are right.
I know she feels guilty about all the things that are wrong, too. She feels guilty about sex, and about her feelings towards herself, and she's trapped with them and doesn't know what to do any more than I do. But she seems to too often just want to almost wallow in that guilt rather than do anything constructive.

We got married in March, a bit over a year since I had proposed. For some weeks after the wedding, I felt angry, confused and depressed when I thought back to the wedding night. Remembering it now, I still do, but at least it "randomly" pops into mind less often.

Everyone knows what happens on the wedding night.

But wedding are hard work. You've got all those people to talk to, and things to say, and things to check, things to enjoy, hope all that organisation has paid off. I knew it was unlikely to be an "up all night" sort of job.
After the wedding, she changed out of her dress (and her special wedding underwear) into more "comfortable" attire. I then drove us 'round the M25 to the place I had organised for the first night. Just around the corner from the airport. Nice hotel.

I guess it was 8-9pm ish by the time we got there. After the long day, we were both fairly tired by then. I tried to not get my hopes too far elevated that too much might happen. By the time we'd gone downstairs and had a meal, I think it was around 10-10:30ish by the time we got back upstairs. I could see by then that she was really quite tired. I tried to prepare myself for the fact that actually, not only was not having sex looking like an option, but that not even doing anything was starting to look worryingly plausible.
At the same time as trying to prepare myself for the worst, I also tried to do my best to nurture what little flame I may have been able to provoke. I opened the (complementary) bottle of Champagne for us to have some of. She managed about half a glass ("I don't really like Champagne") before she was almost asleep on the sofa.

I continued trying to prepare myself for the worst. After all, it had been a long day, we were both tired, and we still had the next two weeks ahead of us.

I helped her through to the bedroom, where she got undressed and flopped into bed. She suggest I put out the "Do not disturb" sign so we weren't awoken excessively early. She looked like she was practically half-asleep already.

I left the bedroom, walked through the "lounge" bit (hey, first night, nice suite), and opened the door to our room.

All my attempted preparation fell apart at that moment.

There was clearly another couple in the room opposite us, and they clearly weren't too tired.
(why, I suspect they weren't even in the bedroom, if their suite was anything like ours)

I put the sign out on our door and closed it. I couldn't hear them from both sets of doors. I felt lost for a moment. I put my ear to the door and could hear them again.

I walked away, back to our bedroom.

I tried to swallow all my negative thoughts, leaving only the positive ones and hope. I may even have joked about the other couple.

I got into bed. She was still practically (but not actually) asleep.

I tried. I tried to cuddle up close and kiss her and stroke her... but it did not work. I gave up, eventually.

And so I laid there. Tired and sad.

After a couple of minutes, she sleepily said, "did you want to do stuff?"

I don't remember my tone of voice, but I probably said "No. It's ok. You get to sleep." It was probably too late by then anyway. Too many feelings already swirling around.

I think I fell asleep surprisingly quickly, given the circumstances. I was tired. It had been a long day.

I had a wife to wake up next to.


Has anyone else seen that Hovis advert that's about at the moment?

I saw it for the first time earlier.

It starts with a couple of children (a boy and a girl) playing about in a wheat field, doing cartwheels and that sort of thing.

Then you realise that the children have been replaced by an adult couple, who are also laughing about and playing in the wheat.

Then you see the family of four leaving the field together.

This advert made me feel sad :(

I think I try to (sub-conciously?) not think about everything now.

Hello Google:  Are you looking for info on this Hovis advert?  Check here for info.

Bugger Me, is it Raining Outside!

Well, I hope that clears the air a bit.

Still feels hot though.

Blogs What I Read

A'ight then, here's a list of the blogs I reguarly read, sometimes read, and might read.

I can finally close all the windows I keep open and reference them from here instead! ;)

Definite Daily Reads
These are the blogs that I regularly check several times a day more than a healthy person should. ;)
In alphabetic order:

  • AnnieSeed's Anything But Me: Following on from the last post I made, pretty much self-explanatory. On the down-side, she did remind me of this after she mentioned Kuala Lumpur at some point. Regardless of anything else, I like her, even if (or because? :) she can be a little... random.
  • Snow the Flakey Drifter: Remarkable story behind this young lady. I like the fact that she speaks her mind. Currently seems to have a bit of a Keane obsession :) (I'll come back to that) I'd hate to get on the wrong side of this girl :) (Not that I can say there's any woman I'd want to see the wrong side of! Hell hath no fury, and all that)
  • The Misadventures of Suzie: Clearly more cultured than I - uses words like "misadventures", and likes coffee and cakes. But I bet she goes crazy out on the town :) Possibly irritates her friends by taking a lot of photos, although some of them are great :) Easy & pleasant (better finish this sentence or I'd be in trouble!) to chat to :)

Strangely enough, I was hesitant about writing those two last descriptions for exactly the same & opposite reasons!

With Snow's I didn't want to imply I was only interested because of her background. With Suzie's, when thinking about what to write, I almost wrote something like "nice to talk about nothing", when I realised that was likely a little harsh! :)
Well, maybe I don't have the right words, but the fact is, they're my favourite reads. So there. :)

Probably Daily Reads

Blogs I Might Start Reading If Anything Happens

  • Things NEVER happen by YOUR reasons...: Picked this one up randomly one day. She seems to have written loads of stuff to her blog but hardly had any comments for some reason. Seemed interesting enough to keep half an eye on, anyway. I guess everyone has a different view point on things :)
  • In perpetual state of confusion: Seems like it was going to have been a girl's fear of an arranged marriage (something I know nothing about), although I appear to have scared her into silence! :)

Yes, it is really a coincidence that all of these blogs are by women :-P I think there have only been two from blokes that I have considered starting to read. One was about a guy who seemed to be infatuated by a girl, who seemed like she wasn't all that interested in him. When I found it, his most recent post was written in Chinese or something rather than the rest in English. I waited a while, but the next couple went in Chinese too, so I gave up.
I haven't really read anything in the other one yet, let alone left any comments.

I'm haven't gone looking for any random blogs for some time now. I have enough to look at now! :)

So, there you go! :) Oh! I almost forgot the last category!

Blogs I Would Read If They Actually Existed

  • The ever enigmatic Dianne's :)

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Praying for Annie

Oh I do so hope that everything works out for Annie.

If I could wave a magic wand and repair all of someone's problems, I think I would easily choose hers over mine.

Life... is about life. Women are designed to bring about new life. For a mother to be unable to have a child for any reason, I find it heart-breaking.

My thoughts are with her & her husband.

Bollocks to Complete Anonymity

It's the small things that worry me. Writing about little silly points that other people will recognise about me (like some of the comments I left here (see, there's Suzie again)). Well, I think I realised recently that I've posted enough of those already, that a few more won't make a difference. (I had thought about going back and deleting some at some point, but... I don't know)

I guess the reason I want to remain anonymous in theory is so that people don't know who I am. (Well duhh ;) This is obviously 1. Because most (if not all) people I know don't know that we have any problems and 2. It's pretty embaressing admitting a lot of stuff to people I don't know, let alone people I do!

But it's nice to just chat about stuff, rather than talking about things.

PS. No, this doesn't mean I'm going to go proving who I am or something ;)

Monday, July 24, 2006

Number 11 (Plain Boiled Rice)

E-mail working again today. It reckons I had 146 spam comments. Odd, didn't look like half that many. I didn't delete them all this time - perhaps that helps prevent future ones.

Anyway, I thought I'd start knocking things off the list by... Doing something completely different ;) I guess that looking through Suzie's pics made me think of this.

But here's a picture I took about a year ago while on holiday. Think it's one of my favourite pictures I've ever taken :)

Well, it beats thinking about the rest of the list ;)

Oh, and I think 11 really is plain boiled rice at our local Chinese. I prefer it to that horrible egg-fried stuff :)

Sunday, July 23, 2006

Things I Want to Say

Right, well, I was thinking about writing something more about... well, everything, but I wasn't sure where to start, let alone where to end.

So I decided to make a list of some things I've thought of that I think I have something to say about. As I started writing it, I then figured I might as well post it here, and people can either then ask me about something, or poke me into adding new things I've forgotten about (or, more likely, ponder quietly over the list's content ;). The list started with me just trying to think about "relationship stuff", but by the end I've diverged a little. Is "diverged" the word I want? Doesn't sound right for some reason. Well, I've already "divulged" quite a lot, so I know that's not the one I meant ;)

The list is not in any sort of sequence, other than the sequence in which I remembered/wrote them:

1. Recently, I'm less horny (probably linked to 2)
2. Recently, she's (even) less horny
3. What happens if the sex comes back, and...?
4. Refusal to accept things?
5. Continued lack of commitment on my behalf?
6. Past regrets
7. (see 1) Strangely.. calm
8. It's all about perspective. Why 5 years doesn't feel as bad to me
9. How she feels (sexually, emotionally, maritally), and where she wants to go
10. I relate her unknown lack of desire now to my unknown lack of want for sex at the start of the relationship, despite (or because) understanding neither. (That one probably doesn't need any more said about it)
11. My e-mail isn't working today
12. It's probably a good thing, I think I've acquired a bunch of spam comments again. Note to self: Enable some sort of anti-spam comment feature.
13. Blogs I haven't started properly reading, but if I list them here, I can get around to removing them from my favourites, returning my favourites once more to links of 0 significance in themselves.
14. I think I've given up a little on attempting to remain anonymous. I could have done, but it meant sacrificing being more talkative, and it's good to talk, as BT & Bob Hoskins said.
15. Consider: Writing an index of posts of significance, to make finding those ones easier in amongst all the other dribble ;)
16. Thank all you readers for being investing your time in reading about me & my thoughts, and for leaving such wonderfully honest comments :) I appreciate even (if not especially) the "oh wow I don't really know what to say"-type awkward comments ;)
17. I had hoped that when Relate came back to us we could have got "'round the corner" appointments, rather than the slightly more difficult appointments which involve a short motorway jaunt. I think now we'll likely just go with whichever becomes available first.
18. My brain stopped playing this game a while ago. Either I've remembered it all, or the rest has fallen through the holes.
== Update, 24/07/06 ==
19. Why I proposed
20. Why I got married
== Update, 25/07/06 ==
21. Food (again, sorry)
22. Note to self: Must remember to cut my finger nails when I actually have an opportunity to do something about it
23. P'raps something about God, religion, and all that malarky.

Something I Thought Recently

I think this actually occurred to me a couple of weeks ago, but I've only just thought to write about it.

I probably thought of it as a result of the number of religious people I'm seeing around in Blog-land, and I have just been reminded of it tonight.

Our Father which art in Heaven,
Hallowed be Thy Name.
Thy Kingdom come,
Thy Will be done,
In Earth, As it is in Heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread,
And forgive us our trespasses,
As we forgive them that trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation,
But deliver us from evil.
For Thine is the kingdom, the power, and the glory,
For ever and ever.

Now, these days, I don't remember very much of it.

Part of it I remember because of this joke, which I remember from The Vicar of Dibley. It appears to be in a few other forms on t'Internet, but here it is:

The CEO of McDonalds manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican.

After receiving the papal blessing, he whispers, "Your eminence, we have an
offer for you. McDonalds is prepared to donate £100 million pounds to the church
if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to,
'give us this day our daily hamburger.'

The Pope responds, "That is impossible. The Prayer is the word of the Lord,
it must not be changed."

"Well," says the McDonalds man, "we anticipated your reluctance. For this
reason, we will increase our offer to £300 million pounds. All we require
is that you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread
'to 'give us this day our daily hamburger.'

Again, the Pope replies, "That, my son, is impossible. For the prayer is the
word of the Lord and it must not be changed."

Finally, the McDonalds guy says, "Your Holiness, we at McDonalds respect your
adherence to your faith, but we do have one final offer. We will donate £500
million pounds - that's half a billion pounds - to the great Catholic church
if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily
bread' to 'give us this day our daily hamburger.' Please consider it."

Then he leaves.

The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals. "There is some good
news," he announces, "and some bad news."

"The good news is that the Church will come into £500 million pounds."

"And the bad news, Your Eminence?" asks a Cardinal.

"We're losing the Wonder Loaf deal."

But the line I have been thinking about recently is "And lead us not into temptation".

Some years ago, I read a series of books which included personified "concepts", such as Time, Death, Fate, War, and Nature. The people in these "offices" were in a constant battle against Satan, who himself was also "person-ish", rather than, e.g. a big beasty thing. He very obviously (well, subtly) lied, cheated, and twisted the truth wherever he could.

Now, "lead us not into temptation" reminds me of that. Why is it not something like "Grant us the strength to resist temptation" or something? If you spend 99% of your life not being tempted, then surely one is more likely to give in to temptation if/when it occurs?
(It made me think of the books (Incarnations of Immortality), because it made me think of the subtle sort of change that Satan would have made - seemingly innocuous, but perhaps with hidden consequences)

I don't remember what it was that caused me to think of this, but that, as the Americans say, is my two cents.

Friday, July 21, 2006

There He Goes

There goes our trainee. With us for six months, but never learnt some of the simplest of things. It's a shame, he really did have so much potential, but it just went to waste.

I got on better with him personally than anyone else in the company, and I have also worked directly with him more than anyone else. But in the end, I tried to help him as much as I could, and always said if he wasn't sure about anything or had any problems that he should speak to me, but unfortunately, he just never really thought about what he was doing.

My bosses had been teetering on the verge of whether to extend his probationary period or to say goodbye to him all day. I found out the decision at 4:30.

At 5:15, he finished working on a low priority "research" project for me. I thought it was quite clever, and perhaps might stand him a chance of tipping the balance back the other way if he showed it off. (There have been many occasions even today of him saying "Right, finished!", then someone spending two minutes checking and coming up with a list of things still to do)
It was only a simple sample of something, but I told him to go show it to my boss. "Make a note of the information you need to show the sample and take it with you", I said. He didn't take a note. He couldn't remember the information. He couldn't demonstrate the sample because he hadn't jotted down a simple 6-digit number.
So clever, so stupid.

It's such a shame.

I always try to help our, er, "less gifted" employees, although of those that have been and gone, he had the greatest potential, and also reminded me a lot of myself.
This is also the most influence I've ever had before over whether someone stays or goes (it wasn't directly my decision, but I believe that if I'd have said I felt things should go the other way, I think that they would have). In the end, I was honest, and it was the way things had to be.

Oh well. Life goes on.

You Sodding Spamming Bastards

You have 96 unread messages

Damnit! 96!! I'm REALLY going to have some fun tidying that lot of comments up out my blog this evening!

And I didn't even remember to complain about comment spam in my mini-rant yesterday! It's just not fair.

AND ... I heard a rumour (well, ok, less of a rumour and more a fact) about something else, that, even although it affects none of you, I am not going to mention yet after all, until it's happened.


Sorry, I flittered my time away on other things, leaving only time for a mini-rant.

  1. Blogger.  For sending me e-mails about my own comments.  Look, I know I said something, don't go getting me all excited about thinking I have new mail... when it turns out to be from me!

  2. Stupid people.  Or rather, people who don't think.  This can include clever people.  Like yesterday I finished shopping, went to put the trolley back, and grr! I had a big trolley instead of a little one for a change.  There were three rows of trolleys.  Big ones at the far left, then two rows of little ones.  The right-hand little trolley row was practically empty.  The middle row was so long, it came out the trolley shelter and into the carpark, off at an angle enough that you couldn't actually get to the 3rd (big trolley) row. HELLO PEOPLE!? Add trolley to SHORT row! Not the long one! How much thought does that take?
  3. Trolleys that require you to put your money in.  As you may guess from 2. I normally try to put my trolley back neatly.  The fact that they don't trust me to do that is a little irritating.  Yesterday, I would have rearranged some of the trolleys, but couldn't as I didn't have a spare pound to pull some out to move them to the other row.

  4. Me.  For not having gone to bed yet.

  5. Me.  For not making my mind up whether I want to buy an air con unit.  I mean I thought about it around a month ago, but figured we could make do without one.  You can get the mobile ones for like £180 which isn't toooo bad. But I don't want a big one.  And I might as well get one that can heat as well as cool, or it's a lot of storage space on something we hardly use.  Wait, now I'm at small+cheap+heats as well as cools, and more at £250.  So I decide not to get one.  Obviously, I'm still not sure about that. It's too hot!

  6. The trainee I've been working with. For having so so much potential and being very clever with some things - but completely ignoring what he's told and never thinking about what he does!
    Perfect example of a clever person who doesn't think. Oh, and incidentally, if you're ever telling a story that includes the line, "...but me mate was so high on acid...", then it's probably not suitable for the workplace.

  7. Me.  For being completely honest to my boss about the state of said trainee.  I could make all the difference, and it's a little intimidating to think about how I could be completely changing the course of his life.

  8. Me.  For being guilty about it, when it's a perfectly reasonable and sensible thing to do.

  9. The weather, for being too hot.  It shouldn't be this hot and sticky at 1:30am!!

I think that will do for now ;)

Thursday, July 20, 2006


(But neither cold, shamed, nor lying naked on the floor... mind you, it is pretty hot...)

Later (if I have the opportunity), I may write one of two posts:

Topic 1: Feeling Guilty
Topic 2: Bit of a Rant

The reason I'm torn, is that one thing which is likely to be one of the main points, features in both topics.

Oh, and neither of them is about me, my wife, or anything like that. Just some more general stuff.

Maybe if I have enough time, I'll end up doing a guilty rant ;)

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Not Fair

So simply because I have a fresh cream & fresh strawberry tart thing, I deserve to get laughed at by my wife?

I mean ok, I ended up covering my upper lip and my nose in cream, but that's not the point! ;)

Nor was it the point when, having washed off the remaining cream, I complained I could still smell it, probably because it had gone up my nose.

Uhh... Ok... I'll laugh too ;)

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Tedious Links

There ARE a lot of coincidences flying about today!

There I was, talking about cookies, when it then transpired that Hanni was too! While writing something about that, I was also posting a comment to Hanni's blog, and talking to my sister about the new PC I will be building her. Searching for "Shuttle" on Kelkoo (the name of the PC case manufacturer), I bumped into a "Snow Shuttle" (Another link to Hanni).

At the same time as all of that, we also have the TV on. This had prompted me to think about think about listing some TV programmes that I like. Actually, I thought about it earlier when Brainiac was on, and I thought about it now, while QI was on. Well, strangely enough, QI (BBC) just showed an excerpt of Brainiac (Sky)! (On QI, Stephen Fry asked whether "Jesus could walk on custard" - the answer was "Yes! As much as you or I!", as then illustrated by the test they did on Brainiac)

I quite like those sorts of informative/sciencey shows which can also make you laugh :) Mythbusters (Discovery Channel) is another good one.

Something also reminded me today of Dave Gorman. Nothing specifically informative or sciencey about him, but his "Googlewhack Adventure" (available on DVD, and I think it may also have been on TV recently) is a fantastic story, and absolutely hilarious, and I would recommend it to anyone (well, I was a bit hesistant when I showed it to my parents, as he does swear quite a bit, but it is definitely worth watching :)

More random thoughts from my day:
- I was initially pleased today that I remembered not only my MP3 player, but also to put some MP3s on it.
- While on a walk in the sun earlier, I then couldn't decide whether it was better to listen to music, or the wind and the birds. In the end, as it was a change to have music, I left it on.
- Got a bit knackered. Lots of good songs came up, and they were all ones with a fast beat! So obviously you walk faster with bouncey music, and I really could have done with a few more chilled tunes in there ;)
- I had been thinking about doing some shopping tonight (we don't NEED to yet), but my wife phoned and asked me to pick her up as it was too hot to walk home (especially in heels).
- She then sulked that we didn't have any ice-cream
- Thought I would see what I could do using a tin of peaches, some milk, and some drinking chocolate. I wasn't sure I could make a sensible combination (I was probably thinking: Peaches, very lightly dusted with some drinking chocolate, just to give it a bit of a sweeter taste (she had already complained that fruit alone (by which I mean an item of fruit, rather than tinned) wasn't sweet enough as some dessert (lots of brackets))))
- It turned out that using those ingredients, I would definitely have struggled. The milk has now started turning into cheese, and it turns out our tinned fruit was "use by August... 2005". She did not seem keen on the idea of "a sprinkle of drinking chocolate in a bowl". Pff! ;)
- Before I said I'd try doing something else for some dessert, she had been going to have a cookie (But, she had said, "I don't really want a cookie at the moment but there's nothing else"), so we each ended up having a cookie. But I was mean and didn't let her have two :-P (Well they're special holiday cookies, we don't want to go eating them all in one go now, do we!)

Right, and remaining random, here are two photos I took today. The first was just to illustrate some of the things I have dribbled about recently, and include two very exciting things. However, most people will find only one of those things exciting ;) Actually, here AREN'T two photos I took today, as Blogger now tells me it is down for maintenance.
But I'm not going to leave this post as a draft when I've posted all these clearly exciting things which just positively can't wait to be posted until the morning!

Not that anyone would notice the difference between now and in the morning, but it's not the point! It's the principle! So there.

=== Update, 19/07/06 08:15 ===

Left: My new keyboard with my cookies behind
Right: Sandwich I made for lunch after my walk yesterday. Sandwiches. They're not just food, they're art! ;)


See, I like to keep you all on your toes by posting innocuous dribble followed by something completely embaressing about myself.

Anyway, I was thinking about blogs and blogging earlier. When I started this blog, it wasn't really on my mind to talk about all sorts of things, and to go read other peoples' blogs. Now, I quite enjoy all that part though.

I used to be a part of an online community, but for a hundred unrelated reasons, that community ended up dying. I think that around here, it's like being a part of a community again.

Shame I keep it all secret & anonymous, or it might work well ;)

The Birds & The Bees

...And the other insects too.

Was a bit of a struggle for me, I guess it was probably a year ago, when we'd hear the neighbours through the wall. Well, not so much hear them so much, it was more of the bouncing against the wall that was always noticable first. That was a whooole hit of different emotions.
Had trouble sleeping at that time. I was always paranoid that they'd start at it any moment, every night. Why should that matter? Well, it was a very odd mix of a reminder of things we didn't have, combined with free porn ;)
When my wife was awake to notice, she hated it. Just a reminder of everything she felt guilty about.
Me, I at least had a mix of "good for them", "lucky bastards", "well, I know they've had more than me" and "wish I was there" (well, not necessarily THERE, but you know what I mean) running through my head.
Most of the time, I didn't know whether to laugh, wank, or cry.

Isn't that nice? ;)

Monday, July 17, 2006

Hot Hot Hot!

By bloomin' 'eck lad is it ever 'ot out thar.

Thought it was quite hot, then stepped out of the shade and thought whooah!

Wonder if I bring my laptop in to work tomorrow whether the wireless would reach from outside...

You know, I've noticed recently (Well, I've noticed it before, but this time it's sunk in) that I do seem to ramble an awful lot in not only my blog posts (like that bit above in brackets, and this bit here) and comments on others (I know how shocked everyone is to read this).

In general, does anyone have an opinion on whether I ramble too much, or whether it's interesting to see the random root my thoughts take as they slowly transfer themselves from head to screen?

Come on, be honest... ;)

Sunday, July 16, 2006

Things that make you go "Hmm"

Here's a pic I took today:
Damsel fly

Insects and things can make you think sometimes. The other day, my wife spent some time trying to let a butterfly out the window before we closed it and went out to work. As she pointed out at the time, she would't have been bothered for a moth.

Earlier today, I closed my eyes, put my hands together, and prayed, as I have not done for years. Like so many people in the world, perhaps I only pray when I want something, but I prayed for AnnieSeed. If you are going to try, it might as well be for something really worth while.
Later, it occurred to me that while I was there, perhaps I should have thanked him for guiding Hanni. Shortly after that, it also occurred to me that perhaps I shold have considered our own problems. Oh well, one thing at a time ;)
I will try to keep on praying for Annie.

In one short day, I appear to have acquired a bit of a blister on my hand. Perhaps too much swingball with my sister ;) Used to enjoy playing that yeeears ago with her. It's much better now she doesn't try to cheat ;) (She was young, I was older, and better... And boy was she a sore loser! :)
Found some old badminton stuff too, which we tried for a bit, but there wasn't really the space in the garden. Not to mention the fact that we were all useless at it. But, err, blame that on the lack of space, the bright sunshine, and the random wind ;) Honest! ;)

Oh, and it turns out I almost have more time to write at the moment. Much easier with the laptop and a quiet corner :)

Friday, July 14, 2006


Time for some random information!

1. I do think Intel's new Core 2 processor looks really rather nifty. About time they threw out the over-priced under-performing over-heating Pentium 4. I'm such a geek ;)

2. We're off over to my parents this weekend. Might have a game or two of Swingball against my sister. Ahh, Swingball, sport of kings ;)

What a Beautiful Day

I'd been really looking forward to sitting outside for lunch with me ham salad sandwich and a pint of London Pride.

But R didn't want to as he thought it was too hot. Bah :)

I'm not the biggest fan of too much heat or sun, but it just looked so brilliant! I like nature. :)

Well, except the bits of nature that I don't like, like insects and bugs and things that try to eat me :)

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

"20th Century DJs used to suffer with it all the time..."

One of my (our) favourite TV programmes is Red Dwarf. This is a sci-fi comedy. In one of the episodes, they discover a thing called a "positive virus". I was going to try and explain this a bit, but it's probably simpler to just copy in a part of the script:

KRYTEN: Quite extraordinary. Lanstrom postulated that there are two kinds of virus. Positive and negative. The negative we already know about.
LISTER: Yeah, like the flu, rabies, that kind of stuff.
KRYTEN: But she also believed that there are positive viral strains which actually make human beings feel better.
CAT: Such as?
KRYTEN: Well, at a very basic level she predicted a kind of "reverse flu" -- a strain of virus which promotes an unaccountable feeling of well-being and happiness.
LISTER: That's happened to me! Me life's been turned to complete and utter crud, and I've woken up in the morning feeling good for no apparent reason!
KRYTEN: The chances are, sir, that on those occasions you had unwittingly contracted Lanstrom's virus. According to her notes, twentieth-century DJs suffered from it all the time.

Seriously, I have no idea why, but I reckon I must have caught that reverse-flu at the moment.

I am for whatever reason really not feeling too bad about everything at the moment, and I have absolutely NO idea why :) Having just thought about everything to be able to write all about it, I really would expected to be feeling somewhat depressed.

I'm not sure whether it's because I've shared it all with the world, or whether that was why I was able to share it with the world, whether it's because I've caught reverse-flu, because I have accepted the fact that we're married and will work this problem out now - rather than running away or something, because it's such nice weather, or what. On the plus side, it's certainly easier to talk about. So if anyone does want to say anything at all, just go ahead and say it, because right now, I can deal with anything! ;)

Oh, or it could be a sense of light-headedness caused by lack of sleep. ;) I would like to post some of my thoughts and stuff on things that I believe contribute to our problem, however I don't think I'll be doing that today.
This morning, the alarm went off a few times and I hit the snooze button a few times. Eventually, I managed to look 'round and mumble some sort of "good morning" greeting at my wife who was laying next to me.
The alarm went off again. I reached out to turn it off, and as I did so, my wife walked back into the room with a towel 'round her head (in that very girly way).
I normally wake up fairly easily, so the fact that I have absolutely no recollection of her getting up, leaving the room, flushing the toilet, turning the radio on, or washing her hair, suggests to me that I need an early night ;)

See also: Biorhythms

Explanations & Clarifications

Well, following on from The Big One (tm) below, I think I can throw in a few extra explanations and clarifications on some of what I said there.

Yesterday, I said that there are only two people who know all of the below (meaning, of course, myself and my wife). This is true. However, there was one other person to whom we recently explained exactly when we had last had sex. This was the last Relate counsellor that we saw. However, as that was still only a fairly short meeting in the grand scheme of things, I think she did get the wrong end of the stick a bit, and perhaps seemed to think of it more as a "technical"/physical problem. I'll come back to that in a moment. While I'm on the subject of Relate, we still haven't heard from them since whenever the last time I mentioned them was. My wife'll be giving them a ring at some point soon to check that they haven't forgotten us or anything.

Now then. Sex. What? No, don't be silly, it's not a request ;) I helped to paint some of the walls in our house. Now, if next week, I get a call from the Sistine Chapel, asking if I could just touch-up their ceilings a bit, the fact is, I'm going to be in trouble.
You can't go from waving a paint roller at a wall to painting the Sistine Chapel. It's just not on.

Now, it's the same with sex. If you go having sex with a paint roller... No, hang on, that's not right. (Sorry, don't ask me how, but I'm clearly in a silly mood)

Now, it's the same with sex. If the next time passion crops up, we were to try to go straight into sex, then it would likely end up just not really working and all going a bit wrong.
Ok, so, the theory is, next time passion does crop up, let's not both get stressed and worried about trying to do things neither of us is very familiar with, and stick with the things closer to what we DO know. That way, it's slightly more relaxed and less stressful on us both, and we stand a better job of being able to enjoy what we have done. Ok, it's a plain wall and not the sistine chapel, but it's better than bare plaster.
Now, the theory continues, with that more relaxed experience, we stand a better chance of painting another wall in the near future. Once we've got the hang of painting walls again, we can consider painting a mural in the corner of the room or something.
That's pretty much the theory we've had over these last five years. The theory breaks down when you can't keep the ball rolling (or the paint wet), and you don't get around to painting those walls after all.

And before you know it, you're back at square one.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Here it is. All of it.

I've done it.
I've got the hardest part down. There are only two people in the world who know all of the below, and now it's public. Perhaps I'll join the ranks of the blog deleters now. I wouldn't have written this if not for my regular readers. Thank you.


Let's try for a summary so far:

  • Six-seven years ago
  • I met a gal (now my wife)
  • She was recently out of another relationship
  • She used that freedom to go gallavanting around the country with a bunch of blokes, myself included
  • She declared that she loved me
  • She stopped seeing anyone else
  • We'd done roughly everything (as opposed to everything roughly) but have sex
  • This was initially just "not going too far too fast", and then because I had a revelation that I didn't think I wanted to have sex until I found someone I loved

See, and you're all wishing I could have simply said that rather than pages worth in the first place ;)

She didn't really understand what was significant about being in love. As far as she could see, sex was just a bit of fun. She couldn't see how sex with someone you love would be all that different - it's still just fun.

I don't remember when it was exactly - before or after she told me she loved me, before or after I came to my love/sex conclusion, before or after she gave up seeing anyone else - but I remember making a vow to myself. I remember declaring that I would satisfy this woman, this girl who seemed sometimes insatiable. I would fulfil her every need, and be better than anyone else.
Strange, I remember thinking that, and yet I'm sure it was before I told her I loved her. I wonder whether I am mis-remembering, whether I was in denial, or just full of myself.

But intimacy like that can be emotional, even without the sex. Sometimes, "afterwards", she would be left feeling... somewhat emotional. Sometimes she cried. As I said before, I guess when you have a great starter, it sucks to miss out in the main course.

It was probably only a few weeks later, during one of those emotional moments, that I told her I loved her.

Did I really, or did I just want to comfort her after letting her down? I honestly don't remember now.

But did we spend the rest of that night entwined in each others' arms and legs, sexually learning about ourselves and each other? Well, no, not exactly.
Because all of a sudden, I seemed to be saving myself for marriage, or at least the woman I wanted to marry.

What was I playing at? I don't know.

I don't know why I kept putting it off in those early months, I know only that I did. Honestly, to this day, I don't quite understand why. It's strange, to not understand why you didn't/wouldn't do something.
Was I just scared? Non-committal? A part of my brain trying to tell me something? I could guess all night, but like I said, I don't know.

In total, from the start of our relationship to this point, some six to eight months had passed.

Looking back now, with the advantage of hindsight, I do regret us not having had sex sooner. This obviously isn't a regret I can really do much about.
I feel there may have been two problems caused in this time: 1. If we'd have been properly "going at it" (awhh, such a lovely image, huh?) back then, perhaps I would have less of an issue now. 2. How much hurt did I do? Is this a contributing factor to her lack of libido now?

I wonder with that one paragraph how many questions I may have answered, and how many I have raised in my readers' minds.

On with the past...

At this point, everything suddenly changed.

First of all, she found a house of her own. For the past several months, she had been temporarily living back with her parents.

She asked if I wanted to move in to her new house with her.

I said yes.

A lot of that of course was to be closer to her, but I guess there was also a bit of me which was glad to move out from living with my own parents. At that time, I always had felt more interested in moving out than learning to drive. They seemed to be the "big 2" independence things people were doing at the time.

Shortly after that, she sent me details of a job she had seen advertised in the local paper. Doing exactly the sort of job I had wanted, but failed to get for the last year. I applied for it. I had an interview. I had another interview. Long story short (too late! ;) : These days, I do the interviews. ;)

Now, buying a house and moving into it takes some time. And these things also seem to often acquire "random" delays. Consequently, it was a few more months before we were able to actually move in to the new house.
So, I moved in with her & her parents for what turned out to be a couple-few months.

I don't remember what happened, or exactly what stopped happening, but I know that this is the sort of time that our sexual relationship at that point began to fizzle out. (No, we still weren't actually having sex. No, I don't know what was wrong with me)

I know that it happened over this time, because I do remember thinking that, "Perhaps she'll be horny on our first night in our new house!"

Incidentally, I don't believe that this was directly related to her parent having been around. They were often away all weekend and that sort of thing. I believe it was just when we started to live together for more than a couple of weeks.

If things hadn't "fizzled out", I guess we probably would have had sex by about this point.

I guess it was around this point that I learnt that everything that you'd expect SHOULD work, didn't.

Then, as now, we slept nekkid. You'd have thought that stroking and kissing someone might have some sort of effect.

You'd have thought that a surprise candlelight dinner would be just the trick!... Nope.

Flowers? Nope.

During this time, I think I actually accepted it. Living with someone but not often "getting any", it's just one of those things that happens. Sure, I missed it all, but it wasn't the end of the world. I was still happy.

...Two... Years... Passed...

I do not remember anything significant happening in that time. Well, until about one year and ten-eleven months.

She had started chatting to someone online a lot. I didn't have anything "serious" to worry about, as I knew he was in the US, but I felt she had started acting suspiciously. You can tell these things.
And so I ended up in full-on suspicious-paranoid-bastard mode.
She didn't really tell me anything, other than that she talked to this person. She also had plenty of time to talk to him at work, as at that time she had a lot of free time sitting in front of a computer.

This all seems so long ago. Well, I guess it was.

Anyway, it turns out the suspicious-paranoid-bastard was right. Well, sort of. How much can there be to an online relationship? Well, enough to make me jealous ;)
Basically, from what I had remember, he had kept on pestering her to cyber. (Cyber=Cybersex. This was in the days of modems, so I'm not talking webcams here, or even phonesex. Read any "erotic literature"? Well, take that, and then imagine two horny people on other sides of the world writing a story between them in real time)
Eventually, she'd given in. Now, I know that this isn't exactly doom, gloom, and end of the world sort of stuff, but it had happened without my knowing. It was kept secret.
As she began thinking about stuff more, she began flirting/cybering with a couple of other people online too (some of whom were in the UK).
So, they cyber'd a bit, and I think she wrote a story or two, too.

Of course, I still didn't KNOW any of this. I just knew something was happening.

One day, I eventually couldn't go in to work. I had barely been able to eat anything for days. Kept feeling a knot in my stomach.

She knew that I knew something was wrong, as she left for work that morning. "Perhaps I'll look through your logs" I joked or threatened.

I think I debated whether I should find (and read) her chat logs all that day. Somehow, don't ask me how, I managed not to.

When she got home though, I just asked her. I don't remember exactly what I asked, but I remember the answer.

"So you read my logs then."

I am glad I don't perfectly remember the feeling that tore through my body at that moment, but it felt like something reached through my whole body and twisted my stomach until it was tied in knots.

It was dark outside, but I went for a walk.

After that, I succeeded quite spectacularly in blowing everything up and being somewhat devastated that it was all over.

Once the dust had settled, it turned out it wasn't all over after all. She said she had started feeling horny recently, but I never seemed to want to do anything. I think we established that this was partly because for the last two years I had been kissing her and stroking her each night, so she didn't think about it in a sexy way when she started feeling so inclined.
I told her I didn't want her "speaking" to the person who started it all again. Other than that, I said I was quite happy for her to flirt with people, cyber with them, or whatever in the online world -- on the condition that I knew. Keep things a secret, and you have something to worry about.

Net result at that time - recent problems repaired, AND she was feeling horny again. Hurrah! ;)

And so it was, that two years after we started seeing each other, we had sex on my 21st birthday.

I always thought that would solve everything, and I came away with the knowledge that I hadn't been responsive enough to her needs. That I needed to make more of an effort to "seduce" her at times.

Shame she stopped feeling horny again then.

I think it was at that point that I became more bitter about the times that she is not horny. Acceptance changed to resentment.

Five years ago.

Five years of months between sex is a long time.

It's even longer when you often don't actually have sex, because we'd done it so rarely when we were crazy passionate, that it's difficult to actually do something so much more, uh, complicated.


Five years. Actually, most of the time we don't have sex. Here goes. In five years, I think there were only two other occasions when we properly tried to have sex - they failed.

Five years. Since the first time and last time I had sex with my girlfriend/wife.

Married for three months now. "Played" once on the honeymoon. No sex then. Didn't even try.

I feel like a virgin.

AND I know that she has slept with more people than I have had sex in my whole life.


I think the last five years flew by a little quickly towards the end there, but I wanted to get to the end. I did it.

No idea what that's achieved. But I did it.

I'm at a loss as to what to say now. You probably are too.

Thanks for reading.

I Should Probably Be Off to Bed

...And there are still posts in other blogs I want to comment on. But I think, I think, I shall try to continue with some history. Perhaps I'll catch up to now.

On the other hand, I'm hearing occasional creakings coming from upstairs. Can't tell whether it's from my wife (in which case she can't sleep) or the neighbours. If it's my wife, she'll probably be down shortly to ask when I am planning on coming to bed. In which case I'll probably just go. Still, the longer I ramble, the less I get written. Ho hum. Miserable weather today. Lalala ;)

Monday, July 10, 2006

Can't Sleep 3: Hanni, Names... and something else I can't remember

I'm sure I thought of three things I could have put in this post's name. Oh well :)

Over on her blog, I notice that Hanni sometimes refers to me as Mr. M Fish. Well, let's face it, "Inspector Monkfish" is just plain stupid ;)

Made me wonder whether I should rename myself to "Michael" or something though, after the great Michael Fish the Weatherman :)

OH FFS! :) Now I have just remembered the third part! Age! And memory I was thinking too! Oh honestly!! :)

Anyway, then I remembered looking at peoples' CVs at work thinking "Honestly, 1987! That was the year of the Great Storm! You can't be applying for a job if you were born then!" ... Realised that Hanni was probably born in 1988ish, and likely has no idea what "The Great Storm" was, or perhaps even who Michael Fish was! :)

Of the Great Storm, Michael Fish said:

"Earlier on today apparently a lady rang the BBC and said she heard that there was a hurricane on the way. Well don't worry if you're watching, there isn't."

Well well, apparently there's more than that that isn't normally shown on the shows that repeat that excerpt.
Bored enough to read more? :)

See, and that's why I feel old. Not to mention my bloody memory clearly is failing! ;)

Can't Sleep 2: So much to say...

Because I keep my blogging secret, I don't often have a chance to write much.

At home, my wife is 95% of the time in the same room, and if I went typing a lot all of a sudden, she'd wonder what I was up to. Seems a perfectly fair thing to wonder - I'd wonder what she was up to too ;)
Consequently, other than the odd sentence or two, I tend to not say much until she has either gone to bed or gone out. Neither of us goes out that much. I wish she'd take more early nights occasionally ;)

I wibble around my blog and the others I read during my lunch hour at work, too. There though, I'm slightly afraid I won't notice someone come look at what I'm up to, or that I'll get distracted and wander off, leaving the wrong thing on the screen.

So, when I have a chance to write, if I think I have much to say somewhere, I usually have to work out what I want to say where ;) So, I usually have enough time to read my blog & the others I read, but I do not always have the time to write my usual essay ;) So, just because I don't say anything, it doesn't mean I don't have an anything to say. ;)

Perhaps I should start a "non-secret" blog or something. I've never been one for diaries, but it's quite nice to just talk about stuff sometimes, and to read what other people have to say :)

Can't Sleep, Won't Sleep

Having spent at least the last hour wondering whether I'd get to sleep, or whether I should stop trying and come downstairs, I eventually gave up trying.

So many thoughts zipping about through my mind. Not had this problem for a while. Probably not getting up this "morning" until 1pm did not help.

I'm not sure which it is sometimes. Can I really just "not get to sleep", or does part of me actually "not want to get to sleep". Does it want to just lay there, thinking about everything, sulking, brooding.

Well, hopefully if I say some of the things I'm thinking about, they won't be replaced with new ones.


Sunday, July 09, 2006


More random observations from my day.

I got my hair cut earlier.

I didn't recognise the woman who did it. I'm not sure whether she was new or whether I just hadn't seen/remebered her before.

From the moment she started cutting it though, she felt too fast, too aggressive.

I found myself staring at her in the mirror most of the time, trying to work out whether she just didn't care, whether she wasn't very good, whether she wanted to just get home, or whether there was something wrong. I almost thought about asking, but even if I'd have had the guts too, I decided not to mention it because of the other hairdresser cutting the hair of the person next to me. I didn't really want to suggest there was something wrong with what she was doing.

I never did figure it out.

The person next to me was there when I arrived, and still getting his hair cut when I left.

I don't think there's anything wrong with it though, and that's what counts. Although I did worry when she got the razor out to do my neck... ;)

Saturday, July 08, 2006

A Cotton-reel and a Matchstick

That was all my grandad needed to make a small vehicle that moved by magic! Well, or perhaps it was just a wound-up laccy band.

I wonder whether it was just the three bits, or if I'm forgetting a part of it.

Thought of it as I wandered around Tesco.

All Roads Lead to Rome

The last day or two in "blogland" have been a little odd, with a few bizarre and coincidental connections shooting across the place.

A few days ago, Hanni posted a bit about her past. A day or two later, she deleted it.

Meanwhile, a few days ago, AnnieSeed's blog disappeared, only for her to now say she deleted it.

So then last night, before I wrote the long one, I had started thinking about it, and where I wanted to start, and where I wanted to go. I thought I'd just wibble the web a little before getting right down to it, though. Only to find that Hanni's site had been redesigned, and I had been added to the list of blogs there. Well, when that happens, you have to go look through all the others, don't you. (I'd done it before, but not recently)
One of those (I recognised the blogger's name from the commenters in Hanni's blog, but I forget which one it was - too many of them have three letter names... Just checked and it was Jef) had discussed sex & marriage. Given what I was thinking about at the time, this obviously stuck in my mind.

Oh honestly! Now coincidences are happening out of thin air! I went back to Hanni's blog to check whose blog the above post was from, and because I remembered when I looked at them the other day, some links didn't work. And what do I see? Quizz Coach's blog (see! Memorable on account of NOT having a three letter name) only talking about people deleting posts and not saying things in their blogs!

Oh good grief! (Erp, now I sound like Dangermouse) When on Earth did it get to be 2:40am. I don't think I'll be posting much else tonight after all!

I know that last night I didn't actually get anywhere significant, but I think I've pretty much got all the "in-between" bits done now, I can move on to the rest.
Even then, there were several points in writing it all that I felt a bit emotional. Unfortunately, those bits were mostly when I remembered how happy I was all those years ago. It's the same thinking about it now.
And yet when I read AnnieSeed's post about her deleting her blog, it was strange. It really did remind me so much of the sort of thing my wife can do that it did make me smile. I guess it's when my wife feels like that, that I put everything else behind me for the time, and just try to solve whatever is making her unhappy.

Well, or sometimes (often) when it's her who is making herself unhappy, I just tickle her. That puts a bloody smile on her face even if she doesn't feel like smiling! :-P

Friday, July 07, 2006

History Continued

After that first weekend together, we continued to see each other whenever possible. Sometimes there would be a week's gap, sometimes two, sometimes three. Those weekends together were fantastic.

We were all couple-y and smiles and giggles, whether we were out and about in town, buying snacks in the supermarket, or in a hotel room together. I didn't drive (or even work) at this point, so her credit card did get a lot of use, as she was often driving over here and getting a hotel room for a night or two.

...And the sex! She was incredible, insatiable, even. It was... indescribable. Like a couple (should be) on their honeymoon, I guess :) Sometimes making plans to go and do something, or to go out for dinner... but often not quite keeping those plans.
I like computers. Actually, I love computers. I've been using them for practically as long as I can remember, and I am naturally good with them. I enjoy using computers, and learning new things, and applying them in new ways. They are my hobby, and they are my job.
Until this point in my life, I had never really found anything else that I shared this passion for. Here, I had found it. Making her happy. Whether it was by doing something silly, or buying her flowers, or cuddling her while she slept, I enjoyed doing it. But one of the things I enjoyed most of all was, shall we say, "pleasuring" her. I thought it was fantastic. There was always something new to learn, and the discovery of a new way to apply that knowledge. And the reaction you got was always far, far better than making a few lines of text appear on the screen ;)

Well, ok, I say "sex", but that was more of a generic term than a specific one for some time. Following on from that first night, in the weeks that followed, things got consecutively "hotter" week-by-week, but they did not go "too" quickly.
For the first however-many-it-was weekends, things continued at a slowish pace ("slowish" is relative - starting with mutual masturbation, ending with everything you can do without actually having sex. Too much detail? Well that's what happens when nobody answered my "how much detail?" question a few weeks ago :-P)

During this time, she had, if you remember, "escaped" from her previous relationship. Here she was, a young (well, "old" to me then, but younger than I am now) girl, all of a sudden footloose and fancy free. With a small collection of interested men.

After all, whilst we got on really well together and knew each other very well (thanks in part to the many, many long nights spent chatting on t' Internet), we had got together initially for the "simple" purpose of having some sexy fun together, with no serious strings attached.
I knew she was zipping around the country, seeing other people, and likely getting up to more with them than she was with me (I'm not blaming her for anything here - the speed things between us moved at was entirely my choice). Yes, I was a bit jealous at times, as you would be, but most of the time I wasn't seriously bothered.
I think she saw me more often than anyone else during that time.

It was on a certain February 14th that things started to change.

I knew she'd been away with someone else that weekend, but I also knew that was purely down to "organisation", and was unrelated to the date (I don't *think* she'd seen him before, or since).

I was quite surprised when late that evening, she showed up at my door all of a sudden. She said she was "just passing" on the way back from Place B. Her place (let's call it Place A) was in the opposite direction to my Place C, so either she'd got lost, or it wasn't an entirely true statement ;)
We had a couple of hours together, before she had to head back home.

It was a few weeks later (probably during an "after" conversation) that she was able to complete a sentence she didn't finish on the 14th.
"Well, it was Valentine's Day... I thought... I should be with the one I... love"

So I'm guessing that it was about then that she stopped seeing the others.

Being a bloke, I didn't have much to say back to her at the time. Actually, being a bloke, I think I actually said I still didn't quite feel the same way. I don't remember how I did feel at that point, at "worst", I liked her a lot. Still being a bloke, I probably said something terrible like, "I do really like you a lot, and I really care about you..."

Even by this point, we still had not had "proper" sex together. Although, as I said earlier, everything but.

However, by now, the reason for this had evolved from the original. Originally, it was "just" a case of taking our/my time. If everything would have happened in one night, I'd probably have had a heart attack or something :) I mean, all that business, it was just a bit scary!
At this point, having been "putting it off" for some time, I'd had plenty of time to let my brain do a whole bunch of thinking. It's good at that. Not thinking, it has trouble with.
But my brain had realised the significance of sex. See, at this point, I was still technically a virgin (some people may argue that, depending on what your definition is - I'm going for the good old fashioned definition of "when a man puts his cough in a woman's ahem" - my apologies if you acquire a silly grin the next time you hear someone say "My, that was a big cough").

But if I go having some of that there sex stuff, then that would make me not a virgin. Hang on a minute, that feels like something significant. Do I want to go ahead and stop being a virgin? That feels like a great big major life-changing decision or something. I mean, ok, I do really like this woman, but I don't love her. Shouldn't I go leaving this sort of thing until I find someone I love to share it with? After all, I have to keep telling my mum that "no, I'm not going to end up marrying this girl" (honestly, my mum was such a nag :)

So now, where are we here? We've got us regularly sleeping together but not having sex. By now for her, this was frustrating. Looking back with the eyes I have now, this does of course now seem somewhat ironic. But as far as she's concerned, she was having a fantastic starter but never managing to get to the main course. On top of that, she's gone and fallen in love with me. So now, not only is it frustrating on its own, but I guess it was also a reminder that I wasn't in love with her.

1:15am. Decision time. Do I keep going now that I've started? Should I save as a draft and continue later? Or should I post what I've written. Oh, the agony of choice. How far have I got? A long way, but not quite far enough. But I think it's time to stop for tonight.

Comments welcome.

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Get to the Point

I'm going somewhere with all of this.

I feel guilty and embaressed about it. I don't want to just come right out and state where I am because I want to explain how I got there.

On the other hand, the sooner I actually spit it out, at least I can stop THINKING about saying it.

Let's see how far I get in my ramblings tonight.

Right after I put my keyboard back together...

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Up, Down, Flying Around

A few days ago, I found myself laying in bed (my wife next to me), thinking about us, and stuff, and all that sort of thing.

Recently, I don't seem to feel like I'm even hoping (in a realistic sense) that something might happen. I mean, I used to frequently hope that "maybe something will happen later!" on many/most days. I guess it's like trying to believe that you really genuinely might win the Lottery later. It just doesn't seem to feel plausible anymore. I tried to think about when this happened, and what the cause was. I guessed that in the last few months, there's nothing really been happening to give me that hope.

Some months ago, she'd try reading stories (of the erotic variety, that is - she has some books, and she also used to read some online) now and again to try to think about stuff. I think my biggest turn-on is probably the thought of a gal getting all aroused and stuff. And who better to think about than your wife?
So, when she would go to bed a little earlier than normal, I could hope she was reading a book or something. She often didn't, or even if she did read, it didn't necessarily "do" anything, but I guess it gave me something to hope might happen, that she might all of a sudden turn into a writhing mass of sexual energy.
(I missed the 'h' out of 'writhing' the first time there. A 'writing' mass of sexual energy is probably somewhat less exciting ;)

But over the past few months, she seems to be making even less effort than that. So, I thought about this, and figured that actually, it seems to have been like that since we got married a few months ago.

The conversation went something along these lines, although I know I'm not quite remembering it perfectly.

I started with, "Have you stopped trying to think about 'stuff' recently? I'm not sure you really seem to have done so since we got married."
"...Not specifically"
"Well, I didn't think you would necessarily have thought about it conciously, but I thought perhaps something might have clicked unconciously, or something...?"
"...I'm not aware of having thought that, conciously or unconciously... Do you want the fan turned down?"
"I don't mind."
[She turned the fan down]
[Nothing was said for a couple of minutes. I continued vaguely thinking about things, while I waited to see if she had anything else to say]
[She turned over]
"Are you off to sleep?"
"Erm... yes"
"So... do you have any opinions or thoughts or anything?"
"Erm... about what?"
"Well, about everything I said about not having thought about stuff recently"
"I thought I answered your question?"

Bah :) Anyway, I felt a little depressed then.

A few days later, early evening, I asked one of my usual "So, thought anything 'interesting' recently? (nudge nudge, wink wink, say no more)"
"Well, I had a dream a few days ago (You were in it). And I was actually thinking about reading some stories tonight, for some reason."
"Oh, cool :)"

When she went to bed a few hours later, she came looking for a book. While talking to me, I could see she was trying to keep it hidden.
"Yay!", I Thought, "she's going to read some stories or something, but doesn't want me getting over-excited."
And I felt quite pleased that she was making some sort of an effort again :)

That was last night. Found out today it was a book about weight loss. She ended up not thinking about anything else. D'OH! That'll teach me for jumping to conclusions.

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

It May Not be Obvious

...Why I started at the beginning.

Well, as with most stories, the middle makes more sense when read after the beginning, even if there is nothing directly significant about the beginning itself.

I'll try to continue when I have the opportunity to do so. I was going to say something else, but I've forgotten what it was. So I'm just going to go enjoy my sandwich :)

In The Beginning

Honestly, that bloody Hanni goes off being all philosophical and talking about choices and stuff. Set me thinking now. (Incidentally, while I'm complaining about other bloggers, AnnieSeed, sort your blog out - there I am, eagerly checking it practically every day, only for something to finally change -- and it has all disappeared!)


Years ago, I made a choice. I chose to chat with one of those girl things online, and then to flirt with her, and meet her (argh! scary girl thing! no flirting going on there the first time), and keep talking to her over the 'net.

As I said, my experience with "those girl things" was somewhat limited at this point. There were a few girls I'd fancied (some in real life, some online), but nothing significant had ever happened.

So that's how things stood when I first met her in a more, uh, "romantic" light. By romantic, I was meeting her Saturday morning, staying with her in a hotel over-night, and then with her until whenever she left on Sunday.
Now, that doesn't necessarily mean it was all about just the one thing. I mean, we used to spend HOURS talking each night online. The first time we met, a bunch of us who knew each other online all got together for a night or two. (Hey, that was all perfectly innocent!)
She and I, we spent that entire night talking. Frankly, I didn't know how the other people slept through it, but they did! :)

But shoot back to the first "illicit" weekend meeting. I don't remember exactly what we did on that first Saturday. Perhaps we played pool. I know we did play pool sometimes early on. There was me, concentrating on keeping me balls on the table (as it were), perhaps even dropping one in a pocket (oh, the innuendo), trying to avoid excessively looking down her very loose-fitting top with a lot of cleavage. While she, I find out later, had ulterior motives! Honestly, who'd have thought you'd go trying to show off your cleavage during a game of pool, let alone playing it with the purpose of enjoying watching the other person's movements as they waved their stick at those balls.

I'd had a lot of things on my mind up to that day. Yes, I fancied her. No, I didn't really know how far or how quickly I wanted to take things.
Before-hand, I guess, being a bloke 'n' all, I had presumed a long way very quickly, given half a chance.

But that first night together in that hotel... I knew it was my choice, exactly how far, if at all, things had to go.
And by 'eck, was I ever pooing meself ;) (Metaphorically, fortunately)

We kissed, eventually. After our noses were touching for about twenty-seven hours. That may be a tiny exagerration. I don't know what I was scared of... Perhaps that she'd bite, or perhaps that she wouldn't? ;)
She gave up waiting for me and came in with a quick peck on the lips.

Eventually, that night, things progressed from there.

Depending upon your opinion and your perspective, they either progressed a long way, or not very far. It could probably go without saying that more kissing was involved. There was at least some nakedness, although things didn't go much further than that.

Ok, if you don't want the detailed account, skip this bit. I considered not mentioning it, but I suppose upon reflection it's almost funny, so I suppose I might as well make it a good story and tell it all ;) I guess I might as well get used to going into the embaressing bits now.
After all, when you're all naked you might as well do something with all that nakedness, eh? So, she gave me a hand-job. Well, she tried. Eventually I think her hands/wrists pretty much wore out. I tell 'ya, she must have been disappointed that it didn't get all bouncy 'n' stuff, because I was so tense, worried and nervous (just of the occasion, nothing else specifically) (here I go, using three words for the same thing ;) ), that despite being rock hard, very little else was happening.
Oh! By the way, I feel I should point out that this has not been a problem again. I think it was just first night blues, along with a nice cocktail of fear and alcohol.

We continued seeing each other every other week or so, sometimes for one night, sometimes for two. Sometimes over here, sometimes over there. As I am sure you can imagine, things continued moving forward.

But that's another story ;)

I'll have to stop for tonight. My eyes are starting to lose focus ;)

Good night. Thanks for reading. Any comments, opinions, or thoughts, (3 again) feel free to leave 'em.

Monday, July 03, 2006

Blue and Green Should Never Be Seen

I don't know who said that, but they clearly weren't thinking of the summer.

What a glorious day it was today :) Bloody hot, but glorious weather none-the-less :)

Been busy recently, but then not much has happened.

Bye for now :)

PS. No, I'm not going to mention the football.