A Long Thursday

Gosh, has it really been a week since I last posted a summary of recent events? I'm not sure why I've got so bad at this recently. I could try to guess, but that's all it would be, and I don't think it really matters.

So, Mrs Monkfish discovered she had depression, and a week later got signed off work for two weeks due to stress.

In terms of how I felt at that point... Well, it was kind of odd, y'know. Depression is one of those things I have never really understood. I suspect it's one of those things you can't REALLY understand unless you've suffered with it.
I remember when I was about 16, soon after I first started using Internet chat, one of the regulars in a place I visited was always talking about suffering from depression. I remember thinking, "Well stop harping on about it and you probably wouldn't feel so bad!"
So, perhaps a slight lack of understanding, but overall, pleased that it had been identified. I mean that's obviously a positive step on the road to doing something about it. Things are looking good now, y'see? We're going to Relate to sort our issues out, and she can start doing things to help sort her issues out. Sure, it's still difficult, but I'm still managing to feel positive...

The next day (Thursday 28th September) was a fairly long day. It was just one of those busy days at work, with a lot of short tempers all round. Fortunately, I didn't get anything directed at me, but it still makes for a stressful day - especially if you have a lot on your mind anyway. Driving home, I remember feeling tense, too much energy. I thought I might go for a short walk or even a run when I got home.
When I got home, I decided I was too hungry to bother doing that sort of thing immediately, so I just got changed, got some food, and watched some TV.
By the time my food had settled and the TV programme was over, I felt less tense, but still irritable. Random thoughts were still pounding my mind from all directions. I decided to go for a walk anyway.
Despite it being dark by then, I decided to walk up the hill, past what I'm told is one of the roughest pubs in the area. I couldn't really be bothered to worry about that, and it was a fairly clear night, and I just figured there'd be a nice view from up the top of the hill.
Sure enough, I leaned against a broken street light and gazed out at it all. You can forget what a place is actually like when all you can see are twinkly lights gazing back at you :) And the moon was looking pretty cool too. I always used to enjoy walking at night. I have happy memories of going to/from friends' houses from when I was younger :)

But it was out while I was having that walk that a few things really properly sunk in and hit me at a concious level.

I did know that I couldn't really solve her problems for her (although perhaps that didn't stop me trying), but I always tried to provide whatever help I could to help her solve them. And in general, I'd just try to make her happy. Or provide her with encouragement to try to get over the things that made her unhappy.
But at this point, I properly realised... There will always be something that she is unhappy about. I can't make her happy.

Certainly, one thing I used to think about all the sex was that at least it would give me one thing to be happy about, to help give me the energy to continue trying to make her happy with all the other things she feels are wrong with her life.

When I got home, I pretty much told her all of that.

"I'm like a pizza," I said, "I can only give you short-term happiness."
"I am happy with you," she said.
"Yes," I said, "But you're not happy."

Obviously, this conversation went on for some time, but I don't remember every detail, and you can gather the gist of most of it yourselves. She said that she'd need a couple of days to absorb what I had said.

It was at this point, that things suddenly started feeling a whoooole lot more difficult.

Oh, and that was on top of the fact that it was today that the ADSL died ;)