Oh for #!?$'s Sake!

So, having been speaking to BT some more today....

Indian 1: "Can't do anything, there's already an open fault."
Me: "Yes, but nothing has happened for several days and I wanted an update."
Indian 1: "Well, the fault is still open so they are still doing something."
Me: "Yes, but I phoned twice yesterday, and I was told that you need to speak to the fault centre to find out more."
Indian 1: "Yes, but the fault is still open."
Me: "Can you tell me the date that something last happened?"
Indian 1: "I said, 'the fault is still open'."
Me: "Erm, yes, but can you tell me the date that something last happened?"
Indian 1: "The date?"
Me: "Yes, the date"
Indian 1: "I don't have the date."
Me: "Right, well we first reported this fault on the 8th September, and we lost ADSL on the 28th September, to have our phoneline restored on the 2nd October. I haven't heard anything from BT since the 19th, when we had to re-report the fault. I was told twice yesterday that you needed to speak to someone else, but the first time I got cut off while on hold, and the second time I was told the other department wasn't open."
Indian 1: "I see. I'll have to speak to someone else."
Me: "Ok."
[lalalalala, silly on hold music, lalalalala]
Indian 1: "I've spoken to the engineer. It will be at least two weeks until the fault is fixed."
Me: "Two weeks!? So that will be three weeks with no ADSL, and a month and a half since we first reported the fault"
Indian 1: "Well, I'm very sorry..."
[I ask some technical-ish questions, such as whether this affects just us, or other people at the exchange too. I eventually get fed up with a lack of answers, and ask to speak to someone who actually can answer my questions]
[lalalalala, on hold music again]
Indian 2: "Hello, I'm the fault report manager."
Me: "Hello, [summarises history of fault]."
Indian 2: "Well, it says here that on the 28th they had to disable your ADSL because that caused the fault on the phoneline. You need to contact your ISP to get the fault fixed."
Me: "Excuse me?"
Indian 2: "Well, it says here that on the 28th they had to disable your ADSL because that caused the fault on the phoneline. You need to contact your ISP to get the fault fixed."
Me: "Why has nobody told me this before!? I've phoned three times and not been told this, and last week my wife phoned and was simply told, 'we can't do anything while there's an open fault'. You're now telling me the fault won't get fixed until I contact my ISP?"
Indian 2: "Well, I don't know why you weren't told, it's in big letters on your file."
Me: "So, let me get this straight. There was a problem with the phone, which BT solved by turning off the ADSL - but you didn't actually get the ADSL people to investigate the fault!?"
Indian 2: "Oh no, we're not authorised to ask BT Wholesale to investigate an ADSL fault."
Me: "But.. the ADSL was fine until you turned it off on the 28th!"
Indian 2: "Yes, because the ADSL was causing the telephone fault."
Me: "So you couldn't report the fault to yourselves!?"
Indian 2: "Oh no, we're not authorised to speak to BT Wholesale."
[This conversation lasted a few minutes]
Me: "Right then. So, before the fault can get fixed, I need to contact my ISP to get them to ask BT Wholesale to investigate."
Indian 2: "Yes."
Me: "So will we still receive compensation for this? We were told we'd receive £1/day." (Doesn't sound much, but by now we're talking about almost £30!)
Indian 2: "Well, the fault is still active, so you'll still be receiving compensation, yes. You'll have to claim that at the end."
Me: "Right. I see. So even although the phoneline is now working, because the ADSL isn't working, we'll still receive compensation?"
Indian 2: "Yes, we'll leave the fault open until then. I imagine those engineers will still need to do something anyway."
[blah blah blah, more questions, including asking why nobody had told me I needed to contact my ISP, and I assume they will ensure this doesn't happen to other people in the future]

[I contact my ISP]

My ISP (whom I actually trust): "Well, I don't know why BT told you that. Phone faults take precedence over ADSL faults, and BT Wholesale refuse to investigate a problem while there is an open fault on the line."

Oh God :)

IT'S ENOUGH TO DRIVE A PERFECTLY SANE PERSON CRAZEH!

Grrrrrrrr :)

On the plus side, I finally got around to fixing our tap last night.

I had previously bought a large selection of washers, but still didn't have one to fit the existing tap innards/pipe. So, it was time for... INSPECTOR MONKFISH'S FABULOUS TOOL INVENTION NUMBER TWO! Whoo! :)
(Number one was a device consisting of: A washing up brush, two cable ties, a squidgy sponge thing, some kitchen towel - used for cleaning the outside of our upstairs windows, which cannot be reached from outside)

And what was it? Well, it was a work of art, I tell you ;)

Ingredients:
Two files
One hand drill
Several toolboxes
One washer (slightly too large)
One wrench

The problem:
The hole in the middle of the washer is slightly too small. The overall diameter of the washer is slightly too large.

The solution:
1. Enlarge hole (easy to achieve through use of drill bits, or anything else that fits inside hole but is slightly larger than the existing hole)
2. Consider: How to make a round thing smaller using a straight file.
The answer?

• In order to make a round object evenly smaller, we'll want to evenly shrink all "sides", or we'll end up with something which doesn't fit.
  
• To do this, we'll want to rotate it.
  
• Using a drill? Seems most practical.
  
• How to attach it?
  
• Well, the handle of the small file fits securely through the middle of the washer.
  
• The other end ('business end') of the small file can fit into the hand drill! (Cunning, I thought ;)
  
• We then have a device for quickly rotating the washer which must be shrunk!
  
• Using the larger file, secure it in a position which is able to be used in conjunction with the infernal contraption (drill+file+washer, probably a good 50-60cms in total length)
  
• This is achieved using a combination of the wrench and the toolboxes.
  
• Using drill, rotate washer against the larger secured file.
  
• Eventually, the hole in the middle grew too large, and some manual filing was required (still, I'm sure you'll agree, it was a great idea in theory ;)
  
• After quite a bit of work, I eventually had a replacement washer to fit the non-standard cold tap! (The hot tap is perfectly fine, and I had already placed its innards - for some reason the cold tap and hot tap are actually COMPLETELY different taps!?)
  
• Finally... Success! Bwaahahahahahahahahahahaha! Take that you bloody tap! ;)
  

See, that's what happens when you have no Internet and the wife has gone to her parents' for a long weekend ;)

Tomorrow... THE WORLD!

(Preferably using some sort of innovative "world conquering" device, which I shall attempt to fashion from two junk mail envelopes, a short length of network cable, and an out-of-date bottle of barbecue sauce)

Failing that, I could just make do with providing snacks to my parents who are dropping my sister off for the weekend. (She apparently needs a new steering rack in)

(Well, I say "she", I actually mean "her car")

(Anyone who thought my sister was in need of a new steering rack should probably consult your GP to obtain further information on the difference between people and cars)

(Nor was it slang. I am not going to start talking about my sister's rack, thank you very much!)

(Yes, I am feeling better for all these bracketed sentences and extra-strong rambling ;)

Have a good weekend, people. Looks like I'll still be without the 'net for a while yet.