A LARGE PACKET OF CONDOMS, PLEASE!

I spent a while searching Google and YouTube for this comedy sketch I can remember, but I couldn't find it. All shall become clear at the end :)

Now, some brief background before this post really gets going. I hadn't really thought to "put a label on it" before last year, but I'd probably call myself agnostic. I decided last year, directly as a result of my blog and the people I have met through it (most notably Hanni and Annie), I decided to at least think about God and stuff. I can see what He does for people to a large degree, and whilst I was more than sceptical, I figured I'd at least learn about it and think about it. Now, let's be honest here, I think everyone can admit there are some Christians who are at least just a little 'nutty' ;)

Well, interestingly, it turns out they're not all as bad as you might think ;) Why, some of them seem almost normal ;) (Hey, who would want to be completely normal anyway? That's just dull :) )
I joined the Christian forum that Hanni had endorsed, and whilst it got a little duller after she left, I kept hanging around. I have even got to know several people I would call friends there :)

Now, I *think* that's enough background for this to have some meaning. Here is a copy of a post I made there on Tuesday.

This is the post I almost did not make. This is the post I had been thinking about making for weeks, but until today, it did not have meaning.

This is the post that was almost a goodbye.

I registered on F&FF back in July. I am not a Christian, and I did not come here to seek God. I would call my registration, and decision to continue to hang around, a combination of coincidence, luck, noseyness, and friendship. Others may call it something else.

In my months here, I have remained active (albeit 'actively lurking' in the main forum) - I read some threads, I occasionally comment, and I think about things. Most of all, I can be found in chat, where I would say I have made several friends. It is my friendships with Christians that have helped to keep me here, and to continue thinking about it.

Today, those same friendships almost drove me away.

I had been thinking about it recently. For all that I have learnt in my time here, all that I now understand that I did not before, it is all in my head. It is the heart that is most important in these matters, and for all the good I can see with my head, my heart has not yet chosen to follow. I think this is because for all the understanding I have in my head, it still picks up on the details.

Sometimes, someone will say something, and, not having a Bible, I would go and look something up on BibleGateway.com. For every question this answers for me, two more are raised. And this is my fear. That if I were to buy & read the Bible, I would find that it would push me away, not pull me in.

Earlier today, I happened across this thread: "Unequally Yoked".

To read this, as an unsaved non-believer, call me what you will... It hurt.

I continued to think about it for the next hour or two. I had little choice in the matter. During my lunch hour (I ended up not having any, but fortunately my colleague was out having his), the full force of some things hit me. I cried.

I believe in my heart that I am a good person. I believe this, because I try to be. I am not perfect, but I try to be all that I can be. From the start since I started thinking about it, it has always bothered me that, no matter how much of a good person I try to be, Christianity says that I will go to Hell. You may find it odd that this bothers me if I don't believe in it, but I don't think anyone would want to see themselves as going to Hell in the eyes of another.
But I hadn't thought too much about that bit in a while. Thinking about this thread though... I realised that (IMO) it's worse than that. In many ways, I am 'worse' now I understand more, than I was when I first came here. For every day that I continue to deny God, Christians should see me as evil. But I'm not evil! But to a Christian, if I am looking the facts in the face, and continuing to deny them, that should make me evil.

I thought of my friends here. I wondered what they thought of me. I could think of only three possibilities:
1. They think I'm evil
2. They believe that God is calling to me, and that one day I will listen (technically, that may put this in category 1 or 3 still, but I think I'll ignore that little quibble)
3. They do not think I'm evil

Now, ok, "evil" may have a different meaning to some people than I am thinking, but, whatever it is, if I look the facts in the face and deny them, I know that that should put me way down the list of how people should feel about me.

Now, I'll assume that with regards to my friends, 1 is not true.

For the most part, if not completely, I think most of my friends would go for option 2.

But, I wondered, for how long is this going to happen for? How long am I going to continue learning and finding more questions and denying that which I should see? When does 2 turn into 3? And if they begin to think 3, does that mean I have corrupted them? I understand what my friends believe, and I would want nothing but for them to grow in faith, not to lose it. But, as I have thought every time I have tried to help my friends here with any problem in the past, you know what they say about "good intentions". When might more harm come than good?

I felt that, until I felt different in my heart, I should leave F&FF, or I would risk damage to the faith of my friends and those I care about. I do not want that. I cried some more.

I told my boss I had a headache and went home from work - I very rarely miss any work. I went through the same thoughts, I arrived at the same conclusions. I cried some more.

I recently saw someone wonder why a nonbeliever would pray. If you can figure out the bit of logic behind this, I'd appreciate someone letting me know... As I lay on my bed and cried, I heard myself say, "I'm sorry I don't believe in You". And that's true - I am, and I don't. Just don't ask me who I was talking to :)

I began writing, and rewriting, a combination of "Goodbye" posts, and "Do you think I should leave?" PMs to people I felt may be unbiased (e.g. those who hardly know me).

At some point, as I wrote, I thought about my concern that if I were to get a Bible, it would do me more harm than good in these matters.

And then I thought... I don't know that yet though - I haven't given it that chance. I should do that before I make this decision.

And so I found myself, at 4:45pm, when I assume the shops close at 5pm, getting in to my car, to go and buy a Bible - if the shops are still open. "Let's get this over and done with, so I can know one way or the other," I thought.

Seventeen minutes later, I was in the car again. In that time I had arrived at town, parked, bought a parking ticket, ran down three flights of stairs from the car park, walked to the book shop, chosen a Bible, paid for it, walked back, ran back up three flights of stairs, and sat back in my car. There must be some sort of record there ;)

So I arrived back home with my Bible. I had glanced at a webpage about translations very quickly beforehand. The gist of it seemed to be that some are easier to read, whilst others are more accurate. In the end, I had chosen by a combination of picking a translation that I had heard of, and what I thought looked most like what I was expecting in a reasonable format. So, I have.. err.. let me look... a New International Version, with "Discover the Bible Section". Oh, and British text ;)

And I sat down in my chair, I put my Bible down beside me, and I began to.. Well, eat a packet of crisps actually (that's "potato chips" to the Americans) :) Hey, it was gone 5 by now, and I hadn't eaten all day :)

As I munched, I contemplated what I was about to do, and I thought about what I knew I was supposed to do at this point. So I did it. I put my crisps down, and I prayed. On the occasions that I do pray, it's always a little rambly and informal, but I try to say what I think. I did so here. I don't remember exactly what I said, but it was long these lines:
"Look God, I'm sorry I don't believe in you" (lol, yes, I have said that a few times, I still don't get the logic there), "I'm sorry I don't believe in you, and I'm sorry I find it difficult to not question the Bible. But, I'll try to be open as I read this. ... Well, I guess nobody does it on their own, that's the point. ... I'll try to be open, if You will try to help me be open too. Read with me, and help me to be open. Amen."

And I finished my packet of crisps. I went to pick up my Bible. I put it back down. I looked at the seat next to me. I picked up my jumper, the half-eaten bag of cheese straws, a couple of sweet wrappers waiting to go to the bin, and I cleared the seat. I looked up.
"Come, sit with me while I read."
I had decided a symbolic gesture may help.

And so we come to the point where I picked up my Bible and opened it. And, let's face it, I needed a miracle to have a sudden change of heart. As I would expect, that miracle did not occur...

This is what I read:

(Ecclesiastes 9)
2 All share a common destiny—the righteous and the wicked, the good and the bad, [a]the clean and the unclean, those who offer sacrifices and those who do not.

As it is with the good man,
so with the sinner;
as it is with those who take oaths,
so with those who are afraid to take them.

3 This is the evil in everything that happens under the sun: The same destiny overtakes all. The hearts of men, moreover, are full of evil and there is madness in their hearts while they live, and afterward they join the dead. 4 Anyone who is among the living has hope [b] —even a live dog is better off than a dead lion!

And I realised... I may not have had a sudden revelation today. I may not have one tomorrow, or this year, or this decade. But as long as I am alive, there is always hope.

I flicked back and forth around that page a bit to get some context, but nothing else leaped out at me. So I decided to come back here, and not to write a Goodbye post.

Well, there you go, that's all I can tell you of where I am. Ironically enough, I genuinely have developed a headache by now. Oh, and in case you wondered, no, I'm really not normally this emotional, but I'm going through a bunch of other stuff at the moment that tends to amplify everything else, so between that and thinking I should walk away from my friends... Well, you know :)
I still have the same concerns about really reading it, but until then, I'll just have to wait and see what happens.

Phew! What a day.

Buying that Bible was, I must admit, almost a bit embaressing.

I remembered seeing a comedy sketch years ago (I couldn't find it on YouTube - I think it was from Not The Nine O'Clock News [YouTube here, or here], or Smith & Jones, or Fry & Laurie, or something like that) where someone walked into a chemist and was happy for the whole shop to hear he wanted to buy condoms, but was dreadfully embarassed to be buying some paracetamol (or something), and I had amusing visions of doing this:

"Hello, I'D LIKE A BOOK ON EMBARASSING GENITAL WARTS, this month's COPY OF LESBIAN SPANK INFERNO,a _Bible, and throw me in that 2007 CALENDAR OF MARGARET THATCHER POSES WITH HER PIN-UP PARLIAMENT PLAYMATES"
"Certainly Sir, what translation?"
"_Any, the extra large one with the full-colour photographs."

[purile snickering]

But it's strange, isn't it? Of everything I've written above (it was a very long and emotionally intense day), it's the religion that's kind of the embarassing bit. But, that's partly exactly why I wanted to blog it here too :)

I know I can be good at understanding stuff, and I know I can be good at explaining stuff. I can, sometimes ;), make something complicated make sense. I've never "disbelieved" in God, and I think I'm likely to come at the end of all this with a greater belief in something. I'm still not sure it will resemble much of Christianity (I struggle with the Jesus part, which is kind of important ;) but I'm trying not to think about that right now), but that meant I worry about being able to potentially change what someone else believes without even intending to. I'm not so worried about causing someone to lose faith as enough people have pointed out that that wouldn't be my fault (not that I'd want to be a 'trigger') that I can understand it. But...

I just don't really want to change what (or how?) people believe in what they believe, in a way that they (and what they believe) would not be happy with.

So I thought perhaps I should walk away from some of my friends there then. Take that danger away from them.

I think I couldn't really deal with the thought of walking away from more people that I know care about me. Not at the moment. And so, that thought became an ugly trigger. Ugly, if you must know, with all my nose-blowing and tears streaming uncontrollably down my face.

Funny the way these things can come out.

And, after a terrible night last night, I really meant to go to bed earlier today. Not 2am again. Gah. You know, ignoring even the experience, simply the time spent writing these two posts (the 'embedded' one, and this surrounding one), I think I must have spent at least four-five hours writing. Blimey.

Well, on that note, there's probably more I feel I would/should/could say, but I think it's time for bed.

Comments, opinions, beliefs, disbelief, money, sausages, or anything you feel like, welcome in response to this post. If you've had some thoughts while reading this, go ahead, post them. The input will be interesting :)