Hope

Hope. I live in hope.

Day after day.

I hope that tonight she'll want to pounce on me all of a sudden. I hope that perhaps tomorrow we can have a bit of a naughty play around. I hope that the day after that, perhaps even although we don't necessarily do anything, maybe she'll at least be thinking about stuff.

I try to cling to my hope.

But I know that this is not healthy. This is not a nice place to be.

So yes, I have tried not to be a hypocrite, to blame her for doing nothing while doing nothing myself.

And I feel I have almost tried everything.

I have tried to be romantic. I have brought her flowers, cooked her dinner, surprised her with gifts, I have done housework (probably poorly, but it's the thought that counts), I have backed her in all her decisions (even when they contradict one another - she is a woman ;) ), I have helped her when she needs help, and I have picked her up when she is down.

And I have tried to expect nothing in return. Over time, it becomes more difficult. It now feels like a lot of effort to do anything, and I often feel that I cannot be bothered. It is harder to do anything now, and it is even harder to expect nothing in return.

And yes, we have talked. Sometimes it takes a few weeks, sometimes it takes a few months. But after a while, I bring it up again. I try to talk to her about how I feel. I normally end up depressing us both for the rest of the day, or the rest of the weekend.

And after we've talked, she probably thinks she'll try to do something. And occasionally sometime over the next week or two something will happen once or twice. But then something will happen and she'll forget. And a week will go past. And I'll start making more nagging jokes about it (it's very difficult not to) and then another week go past, and a week turns into a month which turns into another month, and then we have the talk again.

Except in the last eight months or so (y'know, most of the time since I actually proposed), the multi-month long gaps seem to be even longer.

She does know how important this is to me. I think she does worry about losing me.

And yet because she doesn't know what to do (and yes, I have told her if there is anything I can do to help I will do so), I think she ends up trying not to think about it.

Which gets us nowhere.

So I end up trying to cling onto my hope.

But with each day that passes, a little more falls away, perhaps forever beyond reach.

February 28th

It's the 28th now, I see.

March tomorrow. Eep.

That kind of says "Hello! Things are REALLY close now!"

Another one

4. Because I miss it, because we don't have that closeness, because the longer this goes on the more unhappy I become, I am afraid. I am afraid that some other (clearly completely mad) woman will fancy me and want to get lots of bouncy fun out of me.

And I am afraid that by then, I will want to let her.

And I am even more afraid that this could happen after we have settled and have a child/children. I do not want to hurt any children I may have.

This all scares me.

But perhaps that's what getting married is all about. Knowing all that, but having the strength to always say "No".

I suppose that whoever thinks marriage is all about "I do" is wrong. Marriage becomes more significant when (or if) the time arrives that you must say "I don't".

Sex

I'm going to start typing and I'm going to try not to stop until I've said it all, (well, not all), and I'm going to try not to ramble. I'll just stick straight to the topic. No diversions, no hesitations, just straight to the point. No beating about the bush, that's for sure. No siree, just jumping in to the deep end. Ho hum. Diddly dee. Lalalalala.

They say, that men are from Mars, and women are from Venus.

But sod that, I want sex!

Ok, that's what it comes down to. I'm horny, she isn't.

And it's not a "waiting for the wedding night"-type thing. After all, as I said, we've been together for years. When we met... Phwoar! I couldn't believe it, she'd never tire and was always all over me. And in her past, before me? Well, let's just say I'm aware she had her fair share of fun (certainly more than I've had - yes, I am a little jealous)
But of course, after we moved in together, it phased out.

I can understand that, that's often what happens. You only have to look at most couples around to see the same thing.

But that doesn't help much.

Right now, it's about two months since anything last happened. Before that? Three/four/five months. I'm not sure exactly. I lost count.

...At this point, contrary to what I said earlier (although in keeping with what I said in my previous entry), I ran out of time and have had to continue some hours later. I shall try to continue...

I know it's not just that she doesn't fancy me and is secretly horny. She just isn't horny.

I know that I'm likely sounding like a bit of a typically sex-obsessed bloke now, but allow me please to explain why I miss it. Please note that this list of reasons is not in any particular order, except I think with a tiny element of those which feel most significant coming later in the list. Well, I think so anyway. I haven't written it yet. So here goes:
1. If I were to die without having had any/much more sexual fun and frolics, I would regret it. I see getting married as almost a symbol of things between us staying as they are (after all, remember we have been together for a few years already). Therefore, I feel afraid that I really will feel regretful of this one day in the future when I die.
2. It's fun, and it builds closeness. I miss that we hardly ever kiss other than a quick peck on the lips anymore. (I wonder if we get a "You may kiss the bride" ?) I think perhaps that part of this is that she's almost afraid to go for a "proper kiss" in case I get "all excited" and think she's horny when she isn't.
3. I really miss the opportunity to make her feel good. I mean, you seem to hear about blokes who enjoy a good shag and don't really care what happens to the woman. Well, I love that bit. I thought it was fantastic - the sights, the sounds, the thought that I did that! (Maybe that's selfish after all, I don't know, but I just thought it was great)

I think that's it, although I have lost my train of thought.

Based on what I've said so far, I can predict some of the responses. Don't presume I've finished on this subject, or that I'm a selfish bastard who doesn't deserve any sex anyway (Hopefully I haven't come across quite THAT bad though).

I will try to continue this later today, although I'm not sure I'll have the time.

The Never-Ending Trickle of Time

Time, it seems, is catching up on me.

A lack of time is responsible for a lack of new entries from me.

And time is rapidly running out before The Big Day.

At least I've sorted out the honeymoon now.

I still feel... nervey... but I'm hopeful some is simply pre-Big Day jitters.

I think I'm going to have to run with all this and see how I feel during and afterwards. I think there's a variety of factors at work, and perhaps I am just afraid of commitment.

What worries me most at the moment is how The Big Day goes.

Actually, it's more about how it ends...

Of Stick Mice and Stick Men

Dianne requested that, if I can draw stick men, I try the following:

Take one sheet of A4, divide paper into 5 rectangles with a black biro or felt pen.
Ok, I would have ended up with five randomly sized rectangles, and I'm sure there would have been no particular meaning behind the sizes, so I cheated on this score and folded the paper into six.

Rectangle 1 is Where Have I Come From?
2 Where am I Now?
3 Where am I Going?
4 What is Hindering Me?
5 What can help Me?

I can see where the psychology behind this exercise is coming from, although I am a little skeptical. For some of them, I wasn't really sure what to put, so I probably cheated a bit and went along the lines of putting something that seemed like it would be an expected or obvious response.

1. Is me being sort of probably semi-happyish/content
2. Is me looking confused
3. Is me long term with an unsure me short term
4. Points to 2.
5. Points to 1, 2 and 3, out of the page, shows the whole Earth, and shows a "no confusion" or something-type sign. Anyway, as I said, I was a bit random for some.

I'll try to write more later.

I would like to take this opportunity to thank everyone who takes the time to read this blog. An even bigger thank you goes out to those who leave comments. An even bigger thank you still goes out to Dianne for being the first person to leave her comments. Her questions I will attempt to answer here.

After all, that's really the point of this thing. "Come, learn about my life! Ask me anything and let me know what you think!" Can't say fairer than that now, can I ;)

Mind you, Dianne has asked for yes/no answers to her questions. Some chance ;)

Can I visualise life without my fiancée?

No... By which I mean I am unable to form a vision of life without my fiancée. I have never lived alone, and I have never lived with anyone else. This gives me little experience to draw upon when I attempt to imagine my life without her. As I said previously, I feel strangely emotionless about the whole affair, so tend to not feel particularly emotional all about it. That does bother me. It sometimes feels like it's like, some decisions, thoughts and feelings are so major, that they just sort of fall off the top of the "emotional scale", leaving me with almost nothing.
Of course, we aren't together all of the time. Sometimes I go away for a couple of days without her, and sometimes she goes without me. On these occasions, I do not tend to feel especially lonely, nor do I especially miss her.
In fact, in some ways, we seem to work better apart. When I am left home alone for a few days, I tend to end up doing some housework etc. I'm not sure why. I don't really think about it when she's here (and it's not because she does it - we're both equally good, or rather equally poor, at the housework), but I do when she isn't. Perhaps it's simply a way of escaping boredom, or perhaps I think "Why should I do it when she could do it" when we're both home. Although I'm not aware that I conciously think that.
Of course, on the other side of the coin, I am naturally tending to think of the negative thoughts as I write this blog. That's almost what it represents, as if there weren't any of those, there wouldn't be this blog.
But I digress... The other day while she was away for a few days (weddings take a lot of organisation), I think I was feeling all lost and confused and wondering what-to-do sort of mood, when she rang.
She was upset, because something had gone wrong with one of the wedding-related details.
My first thought was "She's upset. What can I do to cheer her up? What can I do to fix the thing that went wrong?"
I take some comfort in that. And I take some comfort in the thought that I take comfort in thinking that. (Got that?)
Of course, the following thought was "Why am I thinking that? Do I even really want a wedding?"

...So how's that for a yes or no answer? ;)

The second question... Do I want this relationship to work?

Well, ideally, yes. That's partly why I'm here, trying to talk to the world to help me better work out what I want. After all, if it worked, then, great! I'd be happy, she'd be happy, and the world would be all pink and fluffy. If I genuinely just plain didn't want it to work, then I probably would be packing my bags rather than writing this. Probably.

But.

How long do you spend trying to make something work before you decide it will never work? I haven't felt entirely happy for some time. Yes, I've tried talking to her about it. Yes, I want to try to fix things and make everything all happy and wonderful. But I don't know how.
And the problem is that while I'd clearly like everything to be all happy and wonderful, and I'm clearly willing to go to effort to achieve that, my approach is to try to find a problem and fix it. Hers is to try to ignore any problems and hopefully they'll just sort of clear themselves up.

Now, the last couple of sentences were a little exaggerated to try to illustrate the general theory of things. I am, after all, naturally biased in my own favour. Of course, if I'm so keen to make everything better, why haven't I? Because I don't know what to do. Now, whilst I feel that she tries to ignore problems and they disappear on their own, she's equally at a loss as to how to fix things, so what is she supposed to do? So really, we are probably equal in wanting to make things work but not knowing how.

But we do handle things and think about things differently.

In my opinion, we are both at "fault" for not making this work better. After all, relationships are built on two people, not one.

In her opinion, it's her fault. (She is a bit more of a pessimist than I)

That makes things a bit awkward. You talk to someone about relationship problems and they go "Yeah, sorry about that, all my fault really." There's not much you can really do with an answer like that.

Of course, the third blame argument should blame entirely me, I suppose.

After all, she loves me and wants to spend the rest of her life with me and get a nice semi-detached house and some kids.

Clearly, I'm not so sure anymore. I think I still love her. After all, there are the times (like above with the "what can I do to fix this?" thought) when I do feel I love her, but there are more times I seem not to think about it. We're clearly not as "in love" anymore. How many people are after several years living together though? I don't know. But I always thought I'd feel "in love" with someone when I got married.

I could go on, but it's late and I'm tired. And anyone still reading is probably screaming for me to just stop rambling on! ;)

Thanks for reading.

The question I cannot answer:

Does it feel wrong because I am unable to commit, or am I unable to commit because it feels wrong?

I feel strangely devoid of emotion.

We get married in less than a month.



I don't know what to say. I don't know what I want to say. I don't know who I want to say it to. I just feel like I need to say something.

Perhaps just writing it down will help.

The only problem is that time is very very rapidly closing in, and I am fast running out of time to... do whatever it is I need to do.

I haven't even booked the honeymoon yet. One of the few jobs the groom has to do, and I haven't done it. It's just... When I try to think about getting married, I think I'm worried. I'm worried it won't all be happy and smiley. And so I try to avoid thinking about it. Well, I can do that for a couple of weeks, but after that, it's going to be pretty damn hard to be standing up there trying to avoid the subject!

Am I just being a stereo-typical male afraid of commitment?

I don't want to be afraid. I want to get married, have a couple of kids, etc... Well, in theory.

Or is it because we've already lived together for over six years? When you think about happy couples, they don't tend to have lived together that long. Perhaps all married couples start getting "bored", or rather, used to one another, after this long. It's just an inconvenient time to schedule a wedding.

I feel so lost and confused.

I want someone to talk to, and I have no idea who.

That's why I started this blog. Of course, I don't really expect anyone to randomly find it, and I have no idea who I could talk to about it!

God I need to sort myself out somehow.