Hope

Hope. I live in hope.

Day after day.

I hope that tonight she'll want to pounce on me all of a sudden. I hope that perhaps tomorrow we can have a bit of a naughty play around. I hope that the day after that, perhaps even although we don't necessarily do anything, maybe she'll at least be thinking about stuff.

I try to cling to my hope.

But I know that this is not healthy. This is not a nice place to be.

So yes, I have tried not to be a hypocrite, to blame her for doing nothing while doing nothing myself.

And I feel I have almost tried everything.

I have tried to be romantic. I have brought her flowers, cooked her dinner, surprised her with gifts, I have done housework (probably poorly, but it's the thought that counts), I have backed her in all her decisions (even when they contradict one another - she is a woman ;) ), I have helped her when she needs help, and I have picked her up when she is down.

And I have tried to expect nothing in return. Over time, it becomes more difficult. It now feels like a lot of effort to do anything, and I often feel that I cannot be bothered. It is harder to do anything now, and it is even harder to expect nothing in return.

And yes, we have talked. Sometimes it takes a few weeks, sometimes it takes a few months. But after a while, I bring it up again. I try to talk to her about how I feel. I normally end up depressing us both for the rest of the day, or the rest of the weekend.

And after we've talked, she probably thinks she'll try to do something. And occasionally sometime over the next week or two something will happen once or twice. But then something will happen and she'll forget. And a week will go past. And I'll start making more nagging jokes about it (it's very difficult not to) and then another week go past, and a week turns into a month which turns into another month, and then we have the talk again.

Except in the last eight months or so (y'know, most of the time since I actually proposed), the multi-month long gaps seem to be even longer.

She does know how important this is to me. I think she does worry about losing me.

And yet because she doesn't know what to do (and yes, I have told her if there is anything I can do to help I will do so), I think she ends up trying not to think about it.

Which gets us nowhere.

So I end up trying to cling onto my hope.

But with each day that passes, a little more falls away, perhaps forever beyond reach.