What's Up With... Part 1

Well, someone asked me last night why I appeared to have been avoiding writing about some stuff on my blog. I think that'll do as a sign that I need to get some stuff updated ;)

See, I haven't specifically been avoiding writing... It's just that when I started this, I had a *need* to write here, I think. Now, most of the time, I don't have that need, so I'm not so desperate to get here and write about everything :)

But, as I had been recently meaning to get some updates 'out here', I shall put reading reviews of big TVs on hold to get some writing done instead ;)

So, let's get back to those other two Ws. I'll start with work, as that's far easier for me to summarise ;)

So, the work stuff then... I became aware of my work all going a bit shitty a long time ago. So much lost focus. Particularly when I started another big job in around November, I was asking for trouble. I just couldn't focus on it, couldn't sit down and do it. I'd stare out the window, get distracted online, find a different job to do... Anything.

Originally, I think this was a symptom of everything else going on. I think it was around last June/July that I really started to feel seriously emotional about everything else going on. I could barely eat anything on most days, and it was all just so... there.
I wasn't like crying all the time or something, but I could just feel a serious wodge of all sorts of emotions just "there" all of the time.

A symptom of the problem was that I began to feel distracted at work.

That symptom grew and grew until it became a problem in its own right, even after the original problem had faded away some more.

There were days, I don't know how many, where I must only have spent an hour really working. There were ups and downs... But it seemed to be getting worse, rather than better.

All the recent stuff... I agreed that everything I'd working on was finally finished (including all the extra bits that always come along - one reason it had been able to drag on a bit) and able to be delivered on the Monday. It was not.

I felt that I couldn't admit it (it was already over-budget and I'd already told my boss I'd had a problem with it once and it wasn't where it should be), and I just couldn't say AGAIN that it STILL wasn't finished. I just had to sit down and do it. Get the damn thing out of the way. But I couldn't.

I was feeling very stressed that Monday, but able to make an excuse that it hadn't been delivered. I think I was up until around 5am that day.

I didn't go in on Tuesday. I felt genuinely ill, and seriously stressed out. I knew I had to do something, but simply thinking about it... My chest would feel tight and I could feel my heart beating. (No shooting pains or anything though ;) )

I slept a little in the morning on that Tuesday. Every time I woke back up, I'd immediately, without even having thought about it, just feel so stressed I couldn't do anything. I knew that the only answer was to get it finished. I didn't know exactly how much work was left, but I knew it was the only answer. But I couldn't manage to do any work on it!

Eventually, simply knowing that a fantastically wonderful mega-friend was there on the phone for me for moral support whenever I needed it, I made it in to work Tuesday evening, after everyone else had left. I had the best many hours work I've had in ages.

I was eventually able to deliver the project Wednesday evening. I was actually pretty pleased and confident about it by then.

And since then, I'm finally, finally back on track at work. Or at least, I seem to be ;)

I'm working for at least 7 out of 7.5 hours, at any rate ;)

Bye for now... Gotta get back to work ;)