It may be a cliché, but after not much for a few days, I really do appear to be plopping them out at full force now.
I guess it's all stuff that was on my mind anyway, and as soon as you start writing one, you think of all the others you could write.
Unfortunately, although it sometimes gets things out of my head, it rarely gets them off of my chest.
Over these last few weeks, even when stuff isn't conciously at the forefront of my mind, I feel very distracted at work. I feel quite guilty about it. I'm very aware of the fact that I am much less productive than normal.
It used to be the case that I could bounce my personal life off of my work life. I enjoy my job, so I could come to work and relax. When work got busy, I could go home and relax. Recently though, I am (as usual) on the "critical path" on a number of urgent projects. I know how important they are, and I know how much I need to concentrate on them.
And yet I find myself distracted. Distracted by conversations with co-workers, by what's going on outside, wondering whether anyone's left comments to my blog, wondering whether other blogs I read have been updated, by the link on a webpage unrelated to what I should be reading, by the empty space in the middle of the room... Pretty much everything really.
And it's really irritating me. Occasionally I have a few hours where I manage to sort myself out and concentrate, and in those few hours I feel like I've achieved what was taking me several days without that focus. Which only goes to serve as a reminder to me of just how little I'm doing the rest of the time!
I'm not a stressed person by nature, but I now find myself thinking (and worrying) about work at home, and home at work. Whilst all the time, making roughly zero progress on either.
I almost feel like a holiday away from EVERYTHING, which is not a thought I have ever really had before. Which bothers me a bit. And besides, even if I did, I know everything would still be there and just the same when I came back to it.
I know that years ago, when my wife used to work at her old job (which she didn't like), she said she used to think about running from everything (especially whenever she heard Placebo's Slave to the Wage) for a bit. I never understood that.
Or perhaps I simply need to cover my desk with a few more of these.
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I think we could all do with a few of them from time to time.
ReplyDeleteI know the feeling of wanting to get away from everything very well, and I do think that sometimes it helps. Perhaps you go somewhere completely new for a day or two, and your wife could do the same? Maybe with some friends? I always find this helps me to focus and clear my head.
Yeah, I think I need to try to think about it and work out what I want... and when I can take some holiday. ;)
ReplyDeleteI rekon you need to take a holiday and like you take aaaaaages to make a decision guy!!!!!
ReplyDeleteWhats up with that???
Theo says that the gap between needing to make a decision and like making it...is STRESS!
So like make some decisions quicker, nothing aint set in stone is it?
Well yeah it is actualley...if you get slowly depressed and top yaself, thas set in a huge dam stone 6 foot under...so get ya dam arse in gear guy ok.
Dont be like a frog in luke warm water that graduelly gets heated up and dies (like not literalley but kinda just accepts the hum and drab as like normal) ya know, dont do that ok.
Leave, rent a place and you can both look at where ya are without cluttering up your heads. I would make her work for my attention and she would value it then and if you start again then maybe you can treat her right too.
I dont buy the excuses because she is turned on by other guys. You said that.
I know what im saying is kinda harsh but like it riles me a bit because guys used to come see me for these reasons all the dam time.
Hanni i find your opinions caustic.
ReplyDeleteI agree, a holiday may be a wise decision.
Iona
Yeah, I am spending ages over simply "pushing the button" to order a bunch of stuff for my computer at the moment. Alllmost ordered it last night then changed my mind at the last moment. Well, it's a lot of money!
ReplyDeleteYes, sounds like a good definition to me. But you can't just click your fingers and change as aspect of your personality.
I've no intention of allowing myself to become that depressed.
No, I am not ready, we are not ready, to take that extreme course of action yet.
She has some self-esteem issues which were solved temporarily by interest from other blokes. There was never any "real world" interest, and this was only across t'Internet. I am confident that I am aware of all "activity" that has taken place and that there has not been anything serious (i.e. anything IRL).
No, I am not going to leave and rent a place. Ok, it MIGHT jar her to her senses and instill a new sense of determination in her. But there's at least as good a chance that it would just knock her into a sense of despair & depression.
As for me... I'm not in the place to try such "tactics" right now.
Because I'm at roughly my lowest, most fragile point in this relationship now, we need to work on these things TOGETHER. Not apart.
If I went away at this point, I'm afraid I might not want to go back.
But that doesn't mean it's time to give up and let go.
I fell in love with her before.
She deserves the chance that we try to fall in love again.