It's more just the knowledge that mentally, emotionally, that I don't "feel" married that was most significant to me.
But, I had been thinking recently that perhaps I should indeed consider these "paperwork" issues more, to ensure at least that Mrs M was aware that yes, things really definitely are over.
Speaking to her about it recently, she said she acknowledges that they are.
I think of it as having been in a dark room holding a torch. You can shine the torch around, but you never really take in the whole room in one go, you're just sort of aware of the shape of the room and have a vague knowledge of the things in it.
Then, when the lights come on, you all of a sudden see the whole room, and everything in it.
You can turn the lights off again, but you still know what the room looked like with the lights on. You can't forget what it looked like in the light.
That's kind of how it feels. I have that... awareness... of all the things I saw before.
She has now completed her run of therapy. She said she feels much more positive in herself in general, and will be cutting back on her anti-depressants.
I think she felt that had she been through this years ago, things would be different now.
I think... sort of yes, and sort of no.
Would things be here? Perhaps not. But would I still be in a similar dark room with similar objects?
I think so.
I think I'd still have that awareness of what so much looked like... But that I might not put it all together to see it all in the light. But I still just think it would feel... Like something was missing.
I've been thinking about it a bit recently. "Opposites attract" and a requirement of similar interests too. I think it's not so much shared interests, or even attitudes... But something about who people are and how they view the world.
I am pleased, really, that she is able to see herself in a different light now.
But I think there's too much else that we would look at differently.
> north
You are in a dark room.
> north
You cannot go that way.
You trip and break your neck!
You are in Limbo...
I don't think 'what ifs' are productive for her, or you. The fact of the matter is, what's happened has happened. The important thing is for lessons to be learnt and for both of you to move on.
ReplyDeleteI know it's a real cliche, but I think it's the only sane thing to do.It sounds like things are fairly civil between the two of you, and I think that's really important. I hope don't lose that friendship.
I think I can say that I'd be the same as you....it's the emotional attachments rather than paperwork/ adnmin things that I find most difficult...
ReplyDeleteAs roses said it's time to move on to new things and you seem ready to do that, doing it in a civil and friendly is important and will be easier for both of you in the long run.
'What if's' may well not be productive, but it's what we all do. It's part of the recovery process. So long as do you regard it all as a process, not as a stop, then you'll be fine.
ReplyDeleteZeb
I am amazed at how you both have navigated through this very painful process and some way down the road will be able to have a good friendship. I agree with Roses, 'what ifs' often lead to doubt and depression and in my experience, are never productive in therapy, therefore prefering to begin with where we go from here.
ReplyDeleteI can relate to you with the dark room as my separation and subsequent divorce felt very much like this.
When i did eventually get a divorce that is.
I am divorced now, aren't i!?
<=O
Dianne,
ReplyDelete"I am divorced now, aren't i!?"
I think the correct term there is, "Bugger only knows" :)
What If's...
I've not really had any "What If's". What I described here is more a "I think that even if..."
I just... feel like I've made the right decision.
And I wanted to try to explain it a bit too... Sort of like... Why it is I've arrived at this point so quickly. I don't know, I just wonder that some people are surprised, given that it was only last year we got married. (albeit seven years we lived together, but still...)
So I just thought it might seem odd though that in merely five months, I've reached this sort of point. Or something. :)
I'm tired... :)
I can't say I'm surprised you reached this point. Given what you've been writing in here over the past year or so.
ReplyDeleteI suppose how much other people are surprised really depends on how much of this you shared with them.
You're doing really well Monkfish. Well done.
Hello. Just to say, I agree with Roses - you are sounding pretty strong and it can't have been easy at all. Hopefully, now you can both move into happier times.
ReplyDelete