Hot Sausage and Mustard

I started with one thing to say this morning, and I've managed to turn it into a few. Rather than writing one long rambly post, I thought I'd try to split some of the points into different posts. Thereby creating many long, rambly posts instead of just the one ;)

This one is a follow up to Food, Glorious Food.

Before the wedding, she lost a good deal of weight on the extremely low calorie diet. She really did do fantastically well during those months, I can't imagine how hard it must be, but I really was proud of her (And of course I told her so). A few weeks before the wedding, she ran out of steam on that diet and just before the wedding, her weight had started creeping back up again.

Since then, she's now put back on about half the weight she had lost. This is such a shame because she had tried so so hard before.

Yesterday morning, she again decided to try going back on this diet again. She managed it all day at work, and said she even turned down an invitation to go to the pub for lunch because she wanted to stay good.
And yet, as soon as I got home, she started asking "Can we have takeout?"
I can't understand why she puts in so much effort at times, only to throw it away again. I didn't let her have takeout. After all, it was only Monday we last had it.
I also told her she really has to pick a diet (or decide she doesn't mind what weight she is), and stick with it.
It's like the Paul McKenna thing on Sky. When she first watched that, I was thinking "Bloody hypnotism, stuff like that, it's all just bollocks innit."
I can see that perhaps hypnotism at times may genuinely be useful, but I associated Paul McKenna with stage hypnotism and all that rubbish.
Once she started watching it though, a lot of what he actually said, seemed sensible. There wasn't much hypnotism stuff, and there was much more "body science" and psychology, that I thought seemed to make sense.
One of the things he said was that thin people eat when they're hungry. Larger people tend to starve themselves, eat a lot, starve themselves, eat a lot, etc., thereby screwing up their metabolism. I don't know whether that's really true, but it sounds sensible to my mind.
Skipping breakfast and lunch only to have a great big tea, just can't be sensible.

People, Blogger, Time, Respect

People are fantastic.

Blogger is fantastic.

I only wish I had more time at the moment.

Nobody I know in real life knows I have this blog. And that, for the foreseable future, is exactly the way I'd like to keep it.

This severely limits the time I can spend reading/writing my blog, the comments for it, and other peoples' blogs. I'm starting to suffer from lack of sleep now - almost every night this week I haven't even gone to bed until 1-2am, and then it usually takes me at least another 30mins to actually get to sleep. Awake again at 7, and after a while, I'm really starting to feel it. (I'm sure some people can manage on less - well, I need my sleep! :) )

But I have to say, there's so much I want in that short amount of time to read and say!

People talk about the Internet, and the freedom it brings people to publish whatever they want. I never really thought about that before outside of "information", such as news and facts.

But with Blogger, people are publishing... Themselves.

Two things - two people - took my times yesterday. I'm not sure in which sequence to mention them, so I'll mention them alphabetically :)

The first was AnnieSeed's blog, Anything but me, which I desperately wanted to post a comment to despite having absolutely no idea what it was I wanted to say (Sorry, I was absolutely knackered by the time I finished it, and probably making little sense).

The other was snow/Hanni's blog, Snow the Flakey Drifter.

Now, I'm going to be completely honest now. And I really hope I don't end up offending snow, because she sounds like a force to be reckoned with ;) But I want to explain where I started from, where I finished, and how I got there.
From the comments that snow had left on my blog, I had a poor first impression of her. Despite the years I have been using the 'net, and some of the gaming crowds I have been in with from time to time, I have always made an effort to type "properly". Even in chat, I continue to try to spell words correctly, use correct punctuation, and even capital letters! ;) (Although I do like my smileys)
if theirs 1thing that bugz me its when ppl use txt speak or 1337 speak and tink it r0x0rz bcuz most of teh time they know what they is doing but carnt be bovvered to write proply, and think it is coolio to right like this. O!!! AND SOMETIMES THEY RANDOMLY USES UPP3R CASE 4 NO REZON!!!!!11!!1eleventyone!!!!1!
Gah! I feel dirty now.
Snow's first post had a hint of "coolness" about it. (Oh God. I'm starting to sound like I wear Y-fronts, enjoy watching paint dry, and couldn't possibly wear my trousers lower than up to my neck)
--
Hey guy i am Hanni, i rekon you are like doing the right thing. Be kool guy, it will like work itself out now...:)
--
Now, it's not that bad in the grand scheme of things, but look at "guy" in there, and "cool" spelt with a "k". As I said to Dianne (my first "commenter") at the time, "following her first greeting/comment I was like totally 'I have no idea what to say to that' ;) But still, I started my blog to get different peoples' opinions, and she's a different person". I have to say, reading that back, I can't believe I wrote "I was like totally". How hypocritical am I getting.
But I meant what I wrote - she's not the sort of person I'd normally ask for an opinion on this sort of thing, and therefore EXACTLY the sort of opinions I was originally after!

This was shown in her last comment. Basically, snow asked why I wasn't angry with my wife, and why I didn't hit her (The short answer: Yes, sometimes I feel angry. No, it hadn't even crossed my mind to hit her).

But I went off and read the post in snow's blog about Donna (I felt mildly sickened by the bloke's over-violent reaction - I will try to go into some more detail about this separately).

Then I read her next post. And then the next one. And the one after that. And later I went back and I read all her blogger entries from January 2006 up to April 2006 (my eyes were giving up by then - I'll try to finish reading the whole thing when I have an opportunity).

And now, now I need to say "Thank you!" to blogger for giving people such an easy way to publish their thoughts and feelings.

But an even bigger "Thank you!" goes to snow/Hanni herself, for writing about herself and her life. I mean I made my original character judgement, and it is absolutely fantastic to just feel my opinion of her rising as I read.
So often these days, more and more, it's happening the wrong way around to me. I meet people, they create a good impression, and then they turn out to be a complete and total tit.

Hanni, I now have so much respect for you. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to be wrong about you :)

Food, Glorious Food

Breakfast, they say, is the most important meal of the day.

In fact, according to some random website Google just found for me:

"Breakfast is one of the most important meals of the day along with brunch, elevensies, lunch, afternoon tea, high tea, tea, dinner, supper, light snacks."

And if Google found that, then it must be true. Everyone knows that anything and everything found on the web can be taken as fact. And that's a fact.

It is also my wife's view. Well, if you add in the nibbles and occasional excessive snacking in-between meals. Personally, I pretty much eat when I'm hungry and stop when I'm not. Occasionally I snack in-between.

My wife, however, does not like herself. She believes that she is fat and overweight. I will not divulge what her weight or measurements are, although I will say that the amount of weight she wishes to lose would not cause her to become "underweight" for her age/sex/height.

She spends a lot of time thinking, planning, brooding and stressing about her weight.
(Sometimes, I feel slightly "jealous" that she can spend so long thinking about her problems and not ours/mine)

I try very very hard to help her as much as I can, because it is such a big issue for her. Personally, I just want her to be happy.

Unfortunately, she is always in two minds about it.
1. Long term - Be good, get thinner, be happy with self
2. Short term - Want nice yummy food

And when you're in the here and now, it tends to be the short term view which takes precedence. After all, there's time to sort out the long term view tomorrow.

And so I find myself stuck in the middle.

I know she won't really feel happy with herself until she's thinner.

She's been on and off diets more than most people switch on their lights.

But every time, and indeed all the time, I try to help her. When she's trying to be good, I try to avoid eating in front of her (even if I am hungry). I try to get rid of as many snacky foods out of the house as I can - I used to have chocolate and stuff around but I no longer do - I buy it and take it straight to work. I guess it doesn't sound much, but it feels a lot. I'm always willing to listen to her and help her with whatever decision it is she's trying to make.
But one of the hardest parts is telling her "No". I mentioned yesterday she had takeout. It had been just over an entire week since the last time. She started asking about it a couple of days ago. She announced on Friday that from Saturday she was going to go back onto an extremely low cal diet. And it was only fair that she was allowed "one last meal". I didn't let her on Friday. She's started that extremely low cal diet and had one last meal at least three times since the honeymoon. Each lasted a couple of days. (She did manage a few months on it before the wedding, but fell off the wagon a few weeks before hand)
I didn't have complete faith that the same thing wasn't going to happpen again (which I think was reasonable), and on top of that, you don't really want to pump your system full of all those extra "toxins" just before you give them up for who knows how long, that just makes the "withdrawal" worse.
She sulked a little about that, but not too much. (Sometimes she REALLY sulks if I don't let her have what she wants, so I let her have it, and guaranteed the next day she'll sulk because she's had bad food)
Anyway, Saturday I thought she did well and she stuck to it all day.
By Sunday she decided she didn't think she could stick to it after all so she'd go back to just trying to not eat excessively.
And you already know what happened on Monday.

It's all just hard work. She's a difficult lass to keep happy, and there are so many things she's unhappy with that are out of my control. But I still put a lot of effort in, and I guess that's one of the reason's I feel I could do with something to recharge MY batteries a little more often.

Sorry, I know this has all been a bit rambly. It's just a fairly significant lump of the overall problem that I thought I'd go into.

Relationships Are No Walk in the Park

When I finished work today, I decided not to come straight home. It had already been a long day (I finished a couple of hours late), and I just wanted to unwind a little before heading home. I looked up at the sky and decided it was so such a lovely evening I'd go for a wander.

It was lovely out. The sun was still shining, there were fluffy clouds in the sky, and the moon was out too, which always seems kinda cool against a sunny blue sky.

When I'm in the mood, I quite like walking. It's nice to just have a bit of a wander sometimes. I had absolutely no idea where I was going (I never realised there were so many forks in that small lump of woodland), and that's half the fun.
Of course, what for many people could be a nice relaxing walk, I turn into a baby marathon. Particularly as I relax, my walking speed tends to increase. Still, it means that you get to see more :)

Still, by then, I felt pretty chilled driving home (my apologies to the two girls stuck in the car behind me, who clearly did not want to be driving to the speed limit).

When I arrived home, my wife (btw, she did know I'd be late) was watching Sky's "Paul McKenna - I Can Make You Thin", or whatever it's called. Sat conspicuously next to her was a bag containing what looked suspiciously like take-out. I was at first slightly confused, presuming that she'd just found the bag somewhere and we'd forgotten to put it in the bin. I don't know why I presumed that.

Which, in a round-about way, brings me closer to my next subject. I did start writing about it earlier, but didn't have time to finish. Right now, I still couldn't be bothered. All the rubbish in this entry was just "off the cuff", whilst I'll actually need to think when I go back to writing the other one ;)

Still, I may get back to it before I go to bed. If not, I'll keep chip chip chipping away at it, until I discover what the maximum size of a blog entry is ;)

I try to avoid the sheep...

They are NOT an acceptable substitute for a healthy sex life. ;)

Besides, I remember the last time I tried to count sheep (a good number of years ago), I was awake for bloody ages just counting! :) Fat lot of use that was.

The Relate office we went to was... unimpressive. The branch closest to us is simply an "outpost".

The wedding video? Well, that's pretty much worse than my dream about including photos! :)

As for breakfast, I rarely tend to manage that. My mornings are rushed enough as it is, without allowing for luxuries such as eating. However, it is related to one of the things I had in mind to talk about...

Time for a quick one...

I'd just like to take another quick opportunity to thank all the people who have taken the time to read any of my posts, and doubly so to those who have left comments.

I don't really have anyone IRL to whom I can speak about this sort of thing, and it's cool to have people to talk to about it. Or even talk at ;)

I don't really have any news to post at the moment, but I might go into some details on some related matters at some point, subject to my having the opportunity to do so.

Night! :)

Coincidentally enough...

I think it was the same night I made my last post that I vaguely remember dreaming of this blog.

When talking about either of us on here, I have always attempted to remain cloaked in anonymity.

This was true in the dream, however there was one teeny tiny iddle widdle detail that confirmed my identity after she somehow chanced upon this blog...

Apparently posting a dozen photos of me/her/us on the front page was not in spirit with that anonymous identity ;)

As I suspected...

They didn't really ask much other than about who we are and why we're there. ;)

For all the nosey people out there, here are the "highlights":

• She ran into a similar thing in her other relationship of any significance
  
• We spend a lot of time together, but:
  
  
  
  • We do not often specifically do anything/go anywhere together
    
  • We do not often spend time apart
    
  • Err, I thought there was something else related
    
  
  
• When she thinks about the state of things, she feels guilty
  
• She often does not think to do anything about it until I make enough of a fuss
  
• Before we moved in together, we used to have a lot of sex
  
• Before, during, and after moving in (around that time but not as the direct result of any specific event), she began thinking less and less about sex
  
• When we did used to have sex, she enjoyed it.
  
• I have probably forgotten anything significant about me. (No, really, I've said everything I can remember, but I can probably remember things other people said more than what I said)
  
• Oh! And what happens next... The lady from Relate recommended Psycho Sexual Therapy. (She said sometimes uhh Couple/Relationship Councelling (or something like that) is more appropriate, but didn't think so in this case as the only problems were sexual)
  

Good night all.

And please, don't have nightmares.

Quiet Weekend

Both here in blogging world, and in real life.

Relate tonight.

That's slightly foreboding.

I imagine they won't really ask much other than about who we are and why we're there, though.

Will try to post an update later.

We Did It

Actually, we agreed to do it, but she did it.

We agreed last night, after me asking "So, what ARE we doing?" for about three nights in a row, that we would make an appointment with Relate.

"Brand name"-wise, they're kind of the market-leaders in that field, in our impression.

She called Relate earlier this evening and made an appointment for us both.

Can't say it's not slightly scary!

I guess it's the admission of "Yes, we have a problem, and no, we haven't managed to solve it ourselves."

Well, hopefully it's progress.

Minor correction

I just noticed... In my last post ("If Only..."), it may not have originally been possible to read the text enclosed in <these bits>.

Now fixed.

If Only...

I brought up the subject of sex in "conversation" earlier.

It went something a little like this...

Me: Sooo, thought any more about sex recently?
Her: Erm... Not really
Me: Well, got any ideas or plans?
Her: Uhm... Not really...
(An uncertain "I don't know" on any subject tends to mean "No")
Me: Well, you're not going to just magically feel horny all of a sudden, are you.
Her: I... don't know...

The conversation pretty much ended there, as she managed to distract herself with something else. As I've said before, she doesn't like thinking about it because she feels bad/guilty. Which means she avoids thinking about it. Which means nothing happens.

And I know I didn't exactly remain neutral, and I was fairly <<oh bugger I've forgotten the word I was about to use. that's too many late nights that is>> aggressive <<not quite right, but close enough>> towards her, but honestly, I just wish that she could start a conversation like this with me once in a while.
"Look, I'm sorry we still haven't had sex, but..." -- at least it would be something.

But almost every time I bring the topic up, she just ends up depressed and we don't get anywhere.

<sigh>

And hey, you never know. Maybe I'll go into the really embaressing details on here one day. Wouldn't that be... fun.

Something I Haven't Had

Something I don't remember having seen in reponse to my blog... An opinion.

I mean I've had vastly more people make comments on my blog now (read: 3... ok, 2 if you don't count me ;) ) than I expected. But I've never seen an opinion.

Granted, an opinion is a dangerous thing, and I'm sure some people have to be very careful talking about this sort of subject NOT to give an opinion.

But here, in my opinion, is the summary of everything:

- I want sex more often than once every few months
- She doesn't
- I kick up a fuss about it

Now, let's face it, I bet most couples out there are in pretty much the same boat as us. But I feel like I'm making more of a fuss about it.

Shouldn't I really just learn to live with it?

A Fate Worse Than Death?

I just realised I spent the last 30minutes watching some terrible three minute TV countdown (the same one - several times over, with one long 20minute 3minutes - don't ask), where people phone up to guess an answer to win some money. I can't believe how many people keep saying the same thing!

Time for bed, methinks ;)

16 Again?

Y'know, I'm not sure why, but it occurred to me earlier that all these random posts about me and my emotions just make me feel like I'm 16 again or something.

Seriously, I need to get back to just plain demanding sex, or talking about specific events. ;)

Who Am I... Part 2

(Thought the last post was getting long so I would split it into two. I initially continued straight on, but then went for a break in the middle when I realised how tired I was)

Initially as I began this blog, and then as I wrote new entries, it was obvious what was on my mind.

When I felt particularly stressed or frustrated, I ended up coming along here and writing an entry. That meant that I just wanted to come and write what was on my mind. Although often I couldn't, because if I started from there it wouldn't have made any sense, and I had to summarise the story leading up to it.

But still, it's basically just me bitching and moaning.

Now I feel a little less stressed by it all, I'm not necessarily thinking to come write stuff as much. When I write something, I end up with two things happening.
1. The desire to remain anonymous
2. A desire to talk about things I don't talk about elsewhere
3. A desire to stop talking about the same thing all the time, but some how I never manage it!

So here are a few other random points about me:
- Lazy. If I don't want to do something, or I don't like doing it, I'm pretty good at avoiding doing it. Is that really lazy? Probably. Most people don't like doing things they don't like doing, but part of life is getting on with it.
- Creative. I am often hit by bolts of inspiration. Sometimes big ones, sometimes little ones. Like earlier today when my wife complained there was nothing to eat (that she wanted), but I created a meal from a bunch of odds and sods in the freezer. I like being creative :)
- Dreamer. Take Lazy and combine with Creative, and of course you have a dreamer. :) I'm not completely in my own world, but I have a lot of ideas that I don't really ever do anything with. But it is nice to have dreams :)
- Caring. I do stop being lazy when it comes to doing something for someone else. (Depending on what it is, that is subject to me remembering to do it :) I often help people in the field I am skilled in, and I enjoy doing so :) I also try to defend people in arguments if they aren't there. Even if I would normally disagree with them! But I just like trying to put across a different point of view. Of course, sometimes that's just being argumentative, but it's not my intention. I also like to be nice to people I don't know. For example, at the supermarket, if I have to stretch to reach something at the back of the shelf, I'll take down the thing I want, and bring several more to the front of the shelf to make it easier on others.
- Optimist. Well, you need to be really, don't you :) Why bother sitting around thinking the world might end when it might not? Of course, in my "old age" I am getting increasingly pessimistic.
- I'm me. God, I do feel like I harp on a bit in this thing. It's actually difficult to "simply" write about yourself (especially while being unspecific). I did think I'd try to throw in some negative points in this thing, although it is difficult to be negative about yourself. Of course, some of my good points are also my negative points :)

...And I am rather good at rambling on about nothing in particular ;)

So, Just Who The Hell Am I?

Honestly, I'd have thought the in-depth section of this blog which is devoted to information about myself would have been enough to satisy anyone's curiosity.

You know, the bit that says "I'm in my 20s and live in England." What more could you want!? :)

Well, ok, I suppose I could get just an eeny-weeny tad more specific.

I'm in my mid-twenties.

How's that? Oh, ok, fine, fine! I'm in my mid-twenties, my name's John, and I live in the North of England.

And that's true. Except for my name being John and living in the North of England.

I decided (for obvious reasons) to remain fairly anonymous when I started this blog. Of course, if someone who knew me (i.e. the wife) read it, there's likely enough identifiable information sitting in here anyway, so I might as well not worry about prattling on a little more.

I have a technical job for a small company. I love my job - it's something I always knew I wanted to do, and I'm good at it. Over the last few years there is always more work to do, and it is more stressful than it used to be. Whilst I still enjoy my job, it does feel tiresome sometimes to be at work all day and feel stressed, only to come home and continue to feel stressed.

It's strange in some ways, because only a few (several) years ago, everything seemed so perfect. Back then, I felt I had three shining points in my life.

A fantastic girlfriend (my wife)
A perfect job (the same one)
A home

When I began thinking about a blog (some months before I actually started it), I kept thinking of things I was considering saying in it (if I were to start one, which, as you know, I did)

The starting subject I decided to pick was gazing out of my window all those years ago, staring in awe upon the stars.

But I also came up with another possible starting thought:

My triangle has broken, and I can no longer see the stars.

The fact that stars also featured in that thought is only a coincidence. I have no big thing for stars (although I do think that they, and the night, are pretty cool sometimes).
I had been thinking about those three bright points - shining brightly like stars. And there were three of them. Like a triangle. It doesn't take a genius to work out how I came up with that line ;)
At the time, the stress of the rapidly approaching marriage and the work-load in my job all just started to get me down (The house we live in being somewhat related to my wife, of course).

I haven't felt quite so stressed at home these last few weeks. I think that the fear of "Should I be saying no?" was cause for a lot of worry. I'm still worried about things, but it doesn't feel quite as bad now.

"Details", she says, "We want details!"

I suppose they say that "No news is good news"

Of course, "no news" also makes for pretty dull news.

We're in the old "neither of us is really doing anything which is likely to be specifically constructive but you never know she might feel horny" routine for the most part, at the moment.
There're a few attempts by her to try to start thinking horny-thoughts now and again (e.g. reading porn), but in general such attempts do not lead anywhere. I try to just make her happy in general (not that it makes much difference) and try to do anything I can to help turn her on. Which isn't much. Nagging doesn't really do it ;)

Right now, the last time any fun stuff happened between us was on our honeymoon, so I guess that was more than eight weeks ago now.

Oh well.

Not sure what else I have to say that's interesting, really. Maybe I need to watching soaps and making notes ;)

And now, for something completely different...

Who's out there and who are you? :)

That means you, Dianne ;)

...And nothing changes...