Oh, how little did I realise that those words would haunt me when first I spoke them. This phrase has been echoing around my head for several weeks now. So I'm not intentionally disagreeing with Dianne ;)
I guess it actually occurred to me months ago. It was the first thing I said to Iona. She was talking about her arranged marriage and had said something like, "Love will see us through". I hadn't really been paying attention to the chat, and was just heading off when I saw her say that, and I dropped in "Love is not enough."
lol, the poor girl, she asked me what I meant by it, but I had to be off. I had a very apologetic e-mail from her the next day, most sincerely apologising for her blunt question.
Thinking about it even more, I guess I've known that for ages. It was, after all, effectively the point of my first post.
So, what did I mean? After all, how can any relationship built around two people who love each other have any serious problem?
Well, love is a stonkingly great big important part of a loving relationship. Probably the most important part. But that doesn't mean it's enough on its own. Bricks may be the most important part of a house, but that doesn't mean they're any good without mortar to hold them together, wood for the frame, or glass for the windows.
To name but a few other aspects in no particular sequence: Shared interests and activities. Honesty. Trust. Respect. Appreciation. Physical closeness. Understanding. Consideration.
Love should not be given conditionally. But there comes a point where after seven years, I cannot carry on trying. Too many other ingredients have been missing for too long, to hope that they may all of a sudden materialise now, even if now is starting to be the most likely time for them to materialise.
And I have tried to acknowledge that things are likely to get better now - she is on medication for her depression, and has started seeing someone about it. That's great, really, but that hope and the love we have has been all that has kept me going for so, so long.
I know she loves me, loves me more than I love her, and believes that I am wonderful. That too has kept me going for a long time.
I know she has been more positive recently, I know she has started to have more "up" moods. Her anti-depressants dosage was increased by 50% last week, and as she moves forwards in her own therapy, things can only be bound to keep looking up overall.
But right now, even if she were brimming with energy, loving, doting, and lottery-winning nymphomaniac, even if she got everything right, I think I would still look upon her with the negatives in my mind.
That is why I have to look at my own feelings now.
For as long as I can remember, I have always felt that I would know when everything was right. I would know when I was with a woman whom I loved and wanted to marry and spend the rest of my life with.
I have never had that feeling.
It's time to work out why.
On Saturday, we came up with a list of "practicalities" of things we would need to do if I were to move out. I had hoped that this exercise may have caused me to really think about it and realise what I was thinking. It didn't.
Yesterday at Relate, we did not book another session.
What now?
Well, for starters, we need a second car and to find somewhere for me to go.
Not doing anything now, or dragging our heels, doesn't make it feel like this decision has not been made, only that it it has not been carried out. After all, since this first seriously occurred to me, I have effectively made that decision every day not to go. But, she said, it still "felt like limbo".
What next?
Well, when I've found somewhere, I need to go there.
Is it all over?
No. I need to work out what I want. That doesn't mean that I will decide I don't want to come back (although it is a worrying possibility). The theoretical idea is to get some space for a time.
How long?
Well, it's hard to say, but a figure of one to three months has been bandied around.
And then?
We start seeing each other again. Work out what we want. Well. What I want.
She has... accepted the state of things as they are now, as much as she can. She cannot even consider, and will not talk about the possibility, that I may not wish to return.
Please do not think that this will be easy for me.
I do not have to do this. I do not want to do this.
But I believe that I do need to do this.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Ho boy. I must admit, I'm not overly surprised that you're moving out. I nearly typed 'I'm sad for you both', but then good sense kicked in. It might be just the thing to re-energize your relationship as Dianne suggested several posts ago.
ReplyDeleteThe really long-term relationships that I've seen, I can honestly say did not survive on love. In fact, love is the last ingredient that keeps a marriage together. It's the other things like: communication, problem solving skills, shared goals and forgiveness. Add to that mix: children, familial support, affection.
I think the problem is that people (and I include myself in this) have higher expectations today. I have 1 marriage and 4 co-habiting relationships behind me. I am very aware as I spout forth, that I am the last person who should give relationship advice. On my noticeboard I have a postcard that says 'I can't decide whether to be a good example or a horrible warning'. People laugh uncomfortably when they see that.
This is an incoherent, pointless ramble and I'm not sure why I'm still typing. I suppose I just wanted you to know I care. Good luck. Your hug does not include chocolate cookies and hot chocolate with marshmallows, but does include best wishes and many blessings for your future.
Thank you, Roses.
ReplyDeletePerhaps you're a horrible warning of a good example ;)
I am more than familiar with the incoherrent, pointless rambles, however that one was most certainly neither incoherrent nor pointless :)
=====
Shopping to go and get now. For the week? For both of us? So many questions.
One step at a time and right now, this is what you need to do.
ReplyDeleteYou have my support, as always in whatever measure it's needed :~)
Well I was kind of wondering when this would come up, you have spent a lot of time and energy working on what your wife needs in your marriage but marriage takes 2. I think this is an important move but not an end.
ReplyDeleteWishing you well my friend.
I guess love being enough or not depends on how you define love. For me, love is what's in 1 Corinthians 13, and it's a choice, not just a feeling. Maybe we all have different ideas about what love is?
ReplyDeleteWhat a great mix of people, comments and opinions I am lucky to have here :)
ReplyDeleteAmanda, I guess you mean this:
4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
I think there are many factors to what you have said.
1. As with everything, I am sure we all have our own ideas on what makes anything, anything. That to some extent is what makes us different to one-another.
2. Things are rarely black & white. There are often no absolutes.
That above description may be love. Raw, pure, absolute.
People can be a little sad, and people can be very sad.
People can be a little happy, and people can be very happy.
And people can be a little in love, and people can be very in love. One could argue, therefore, that "absolute love" is enough. But, assuming that absolutes occur rarely in every day life, I feel my statement accurately summarised some of this.
This sort of debate, however, is really not at the forefront of my thoughts right now ;)
3. Like a plant, love must be nurtured and cherished. It must be fed and watered, it must be allowed to bask in sunshine and to grow and to blossom.
Given that nourishment, that love may grow from a little love to a lot of love.
Take away the sunshine, and the plant will still be there, but it will become weak, it will begin to wither and die.
Simply for the plant to exist is not enough.
In my book (and Iona's), loving someone is different from being 'in love' with someone. Maybe that's where the difference in perspective is coming from. But anyway, you inferred you didn't want this sort of debate right now, so I will shut up. ;o)
ReplyDeleteWherever life leads you from here, my hope is that you will find a neverending source of sunshine. ;o)
Not late at all nm, thanks for your comments :)
ReplyDeleteThank you all, again, for your comments and your support. It is truely appreciated :)