Fear, doubt, and disbelief. Free your mind.
Something, unfortunately, I have had trouble doing.
It's there, you see. Everything. All of the time. Lurking. You can try to ignore it, but that doesn't mean it's not there. And I have found no way to fight it.
Take the weekend before last, for example. She was actually quite cheery and positive on Friday. When she has energy like that, she often tends to want to do something with it. She had decided that it was time to decorate the bathroom!
Thinking about decorating the bathroom, is really not where I'm "at" at the moment ;) I told her this.
The next day, she was still charged with positive energy. She suggested going shopping, and that perhaps we could go to storage for me to get some different DVDs out to watch at some point.
I asked what type of shopping she meant, and why she had thought to want to go to storage.
Well, it transpired that "shopping" meant going around DIY places looking at paint. She wanted to go to storage because she wanted to get some decorating stuff out, and thought I could look at DVDs at the same time.
I pointed out that these were both things she wanted to do, with me tacked on as an after-thought. She agreed that they were... But only because she didn't know what we could do, so had tried to turn things she wanted to do into us things.
Ok, actually, I know, she is putting some effort in there (as she pointed out when we talked about it on the same day); she can't "just" think of things for us to do, so turned things she would like to do into things we could do.
But the bit that hurts is that it was still her that came first. The simple example I have given a few times recently (well, to Mrs M and to Relate), is of... The Chocolate Orange. A few weeks ago, perhaps a month, when Mrs M was off work for two weeks, she bought me a Chocolate Orange.
She bought me a Chocolate Orange because she had seen them on special offer and thought "Ooh, I'd like a Chocolate Orange! Oh, wait, I suppose Mr M will want some of it. I'll buy him one too!"
And, see, I know I should be thankful that I'm in there... But frankly, for the time being at least, I am really rather tired of always coming second.
We discussed this at the time, and we went through it again at Relate last Wednesday. At Relate, Mrs M did add another part that she had felt embaressed/shameful/guilty (one of those) to bring up alone.
"Before," she might not even have thought to turn those things from just "her" into "us". I know that's progress, really, I do, but I just cannot see it. I cannot let it go.
Last night we went for a meal out together.
She said I looked sad.
And I felt it.
Because I can't let it all go.
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No, there are no prizes on naming the movie quote ;)
ReplyDeleteHmmmm...a tough one and one my Ex could have been saying to me. It was actually quite eerie reading it, because so many of our conversations happened along those lines. So I will do my best to respond to you, not to him.
ReplyDeleteDepression is an illness, a very selfish one. It's not about you or your life together, it's all about her and how she feels about her life. Once in that space, it's actually really difficult to shift out of it.
The important thing is to recognise that she is making an effort, even if she's getting it wrong. She is trying. Praise her. Give her a hug. These are the baby steps back from the darkness. They are very difficult and exhausting to make and I completely understand how difficult it is for you. While she's wallowing about in the mire of her mind, you're also lonely, hurting and angry.
Rather than 'let it go' (which quite frankly is impossible for me to do), and I'm not entirely sure is the best thing anyway. Your needs are just as important as hers. Perhaps by acknowledging your needs and thinking 'I'm going to put this to one side for the moment'. You aren't denying yourself then. Then you can try to welcome her. Be there waiting for her with open arms in the light.
When I read your post, it seemed to me that you both are hurting so much and trying so hard. It's okay to say to her 'I'm hurting, I need some comfort too'.
Oops. I'll just fold up my t-shirt and slink away now. Best wishes and virtual hugs to you both.
Roses,
ReplyDeleteThank you for the time and effort you put into that response. Hope it hasn't started your day on too much of a "downer" :)
Whilst I do understand and appreciate what you're saying...
...More to follow, later...
I was wondering, as i read this post, if it's also about not being heard as you had already given an indication of not being interested in decorating at the moment.
ReplyDeleteI also wondered how often in general YOU put yourself first. You certainly sounded assertive in this conversation :~)
Dianne,
ReplyDeleteThere could perhaps be an element of not being heard, yes.
I am unconvinced that being assertive in a converation is the same as putting myself first, although I can see they are related ;)
I can put myself first sometimes (e.g. we did not go shopping, we did not go to storage - I didn't really want to do either, so she did both of these things alone), but there is a lot that I unconciously do not put myself first for. And the thing to some extent is... I do not feel I should have to.
Funnily enough, that's what my EX said too. Hmmm...I think I have more pondering to do. The upside of it ~ my depression lifted when we broke up ;-)
ReplyDeleteSeriously though, lots of trouble happens when people have expections which remain unvoiced. They get all tetchy and resentfull.
I'm going to stop now, cause I think my argument is with him, not with you.
Thank you for your honesty and your opinions, Roses :)
ReplyDeleteI wish you had been here to comment earlier. I always felt like I wanted someone to argue some of the "other side" ;)
I'll have more to blog later this evening.
Hmmm.... I worry that with all the 'relate' input though you see every action or thought as being loaded. I would agree about relaxing and freeing your mind.
ReplyDeleteSometimes things just... Are, y'know?
Ing, I see where you're coming from, but just to "stick up" for Relate here, they certainly have not added any stress or problems to the situation.
ReplyDeleteIndeed, they have helped communication between us. We almost certainly should have gone years ago, the first time we briefly raised it as an idea (But who would want to do that ;)
You wanted me to comment earlier? Not being funny or anything, but I resent getting up at 7am as it is, and brain does not kick in before coffee.
ReplyDeleteLooking forward to the post later on.
lol :) No sorry, I did put that poorly :)
ReplyDeleteI meant months ago :)
What would you like to have done instead? Did you have any definite ideas? If my husband had suggested something I didn't want to do, I'd have said so and told him what I'd like us to do instead, and we would have thought about both suggestions and negotiated (do both or neither). And if I had nothing else in mind, I'd have either gone along too (if I was easy either way) or stayed home and let him go on his own.
ReplyDeleteI was just wondering why you didn't feel able to do the same - ie either suggest and negotiate, or just let her go on her own?
If it's ok to ask, especially being such a relative newbie here ;o)
Btw I am not asking these things in order to criticise - I just want to understand.
ReplyDeleteThat's a lot of questions. ;)
ReplyDeleteThey are, however, welcomed - would be a little harsh for me to go writing all this and allowing comments if I then went and got the arse when someone asked a question or offered an opinion. ;)
Obviously, that rule is null and void if I don't like your question or disagree with your opinion. ;)
I don't have a good answer to your questions, but I think what it comes down to is that right now, I'm tired. Tired of going through that process all the time.
I understand "tired".
ReplyDeleteA question you might like to ask yourself is whether you are tired of the relationship as a whole, or whether you are tired of being disappointed - and afraid to try again, even with this change in MrsM, in case you are disappointed again.
No need to answer it here though if you don't want to. ;o)
I think Ing makes a very valid point. Sometimes, we can read far too much into things, and that can be our undoing :(
ReplyDeleteNot that I'm saying that's what your're doing at all, just something to be wary of.
Having said that I empathise completely with you IM I really do.
I wish I could be offer some advice, but I'm fresh out today...
Jen
Jen, no advice is needed :) Thanks for your thoughts :)
ReplyDelete