Here it is. All of it.

I've done it.
I've got the hardest part down. There are only two people in the world who know all of the below, and now it's public. Perhaps I'll join the ranks of the blog deleters now. I wouldn't have written this if not for my regular readers. Thank you.

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Let's try for a summary so far:

• Six-seven years ago
  
• I met a gal (now my wife)
  
• She was recently out of another relationship
  
• She used that freedom to go gallavanting around the country with a bunch of blokes, myself included
  
• She declared that she loved me
  
• She stopped seeing anyone else
  
• We'd done roughly everything (as opposed to everything roughly) but have sex
  
• This was initially just "not going too far too fast", and then because I had a revelation that I didn't think I wanted to have sex until I found someone I loved
  

See, and you're all wishing I could have simply said that rather than pages worth in the first place ;)

She didn't really understand what was significant about being in love. As far as she could see, sex was just a bit of fun. She couldn't see how sex with someone you love would be all that different - it's still just fun.

I don't remember when it was exactly - before or after she told me she loved me, before or after I came to my love/sex conclusion, before or after she gave up seeing anyone else - but I remember making a vow to myself. I remember declaring that I would satisfy this woman, this girl who seemed sometimes insatiable. I would fulfil her every need, and be better than anyone else.
Strange, I remember thinking that, and yet I'm sure it was before I told her I loved her. I wonder whether I am mis-remembering, whether I was in denial, or just full of myself.

But intimacy like that can be emotional, even without the sex. Sometimes, "afterwards", she would be left feeling... somewhat emotional. Sometimes she cried. As I said before, I guess when you have a great starter, it sucks to miss out in the main course.

It was probably only a few weeks later, during one of those emotional moments, that I told her I loved her.

Did I really, or did I just want to comfort her after letting her down? I honestly don't remember now.

But did we spend the rest of that night entwined in each others' arms and legs, sexually learning about ourselves and each other? Well, no, not exactly.
Because all of a sudden, I seemed to be saving myself for marriage, or at least the woman I wanted to marry.

What was I playing at? I don't know.

I don't know why I kept putting it off in those early months, I know only that I did. Honestly, to this day, I don't quite understand why. It's strange, to not understand why you didn't/wouldn't do something.
Was I just scared? Non-committal? A part of my brain trying to tell me something? I could guess all night, but like I said, I don't know.

In total, from the start of our relationship to this point, some six to eight months had passed.

--
Looking back now, with the advantage of hindsight, I do regret us not having had sex sooner. This obviously isn't a regret I can really do much about.
I feel there may have been two problems caused in this time: 1. If we'd have been properly "going at it" (awhh, such a lovely image, huh?) back then, perhaps I would have less of an issue now. 2. How much hurt did I do? Is this a contributing factor to her lack of libido now?

I wonder with that one paragraph how many questions I may have answered, and how many I have raised in my readers' minds.

On with the past...
--

At this point, everything suddenly changed.

First of all, she found a house of her own. For the past several months, she had been temporarily living back with her parents.

She asked if I wanted to move in to her new house with her.

I said yes.

A lot of that of course was to be closer to her, but I guess there was also a bit of me which was glad to move out from living with my own parents. At that time, I always had felt more interested in moving out than learning to drive. They seemed to be the "big 2" independence things people were doing at the time.

Shortly after that, she sent me details of a job she had seen advertised in the local paper. Doing exactly the sort of job I had wanted, but failed to get for the last year. I applied for it. I had an interview. I had another interview. Long story short (too late! ;) : These days, I do the interviews. ;)

Now, buying a house and moving into it takes some time. And these things also seem to often acquire "random" delays. Consequently, it was a few more months before we were able to actually move in to the new house.
So, I moved in with her & her parents for what turned out to be a couple-few months.

I don't remember what happened, or exactly what stopped happening, but I know that this is the sort of time that our sexual relationship at that point began to fizzle out. (No, we still weren't actually having sex. No, I don't know what was wrong with me)

I know that it happened over this time, because I do remember thinking that, "Perhaps she'll be horny on our first night in our new house!"

Incidentally, I don't believe that this was directly related to her parent having been around. They were often away all weekend and that sort of thing. I believe it was just when we started to live together for more than a couple of weeks.

If things hadn't "fizzled out", I guess we probably would have had sex by about this point.

I guess it was around this point that I learnt that everything that you'd expect SHOULD work, didn't.

Then, as now, we slept nekkid. You'd have thought that stroking and kissing someone might have some sort of effect.

You'd have thought that a surprise candlelight dinner would be just the trick!... Nope.

Flowers? Nope.

During this time, I think I actually accepted it. Living with someone but not often "getting any", it's just one of those things that happens. Sure, I missed it all, but it wasn't the end of the world. I was still happy.

...Two... Years... Passed...

I do not remember anything significant happening in that time. Well, until about one year and ten-eleven months.

She had started chatting to someone online a lot. I didn't have anything "serious" to worry about, as I knew he was in the US, but I felt she had started acting suspiciously. You can tell these things.
And so I ended up in full-on suspicious-paranoid-bastard mode.
She didn't really tell me anything, other than that she talked to this person. She also had plenty of time to talk to him at work, as at that time she had a lot of free time sitting in front of a computer.

This all seems so long ago. Well, I guess it was.

Anyway, it turns out the suspicious-paranoid-bastard was right. Well, sort of. How much can there be to an online relationship? Well, enough to make me jealous ;)
Basically, from what I had remember, he had kept on pestering her to cyber. (Cyber=Cybersex. This was in the days of modems, so I'm not talking webcams here, or even phonesex. Read any "erotic literature"? Well, take that, and then imagine two horny people on other sides of the world writing a story between them in real time)
Eventually, she'd given in. Now, I know that this isn't exactly doom, gloom, and end of the world sort of stuff, but it had happened without my knowing. It was kept secret.
As she began thinking about stuff more, she began flirting/cybering with a couple of other people online too (some of whom were in the UK).
So, they cyber'd a bit, and I think she wrote a story or two, too.

Of course, I still didn't KNOW any of this. I just knew something was happening.

One day, I eventually couldn't go in to work. I had barely been able to eat anything for days. Kept feeling a knot in my stomach.

She knew that I knew something was wrong, as she left for work that morning. "Perhaps I'll look through your logs" I joked or threatened.

I think I debated whether I should find (and read) her chat logs all that day. Somehow, don't ask me how, I managed not to.

When she got home though, I just asked her. I don't remember exactly what I asked, but I remember the answer.

"So you read my logs then."

I am glad I don't perfectly remember the feeling that tore through my body at that moment, but it felt like something reached through my whole body and twisted my stomach until it was tied in knots.

It was dark outside, but I went for a walk.

After that, I succeeded quite spectacularly in blowing everything up and being somewhat devastated that it was all over.

Once the dust had settled, it turned out it wasn't all over after all. She said she had started feeling horny recently, but I never seemed to want to do anything. I think we established that this was partly because for the last two years I had been kissing her and stroking her each night, so she didn't think about it in a sexy way when she started feeling so inclined.
I told her I didn't want her "speaking" to the person who started it all again. Other than that, I said I was quite happy for her to flirt with people, cyber with them, or whatever in the online world -- on the condition that I knew. Keep things a secret, and you have something to worry about.

Net result at that time - recent problems repaired, AND she was feeling horny again. Hurrah! ;)

And so it was, that two years after we started seeing each other, we had sex on my 21st birthday.

I always thought that would solve everything, and I came away with the knowledge that I hadn't been responsive enough to her needs. That I needed to make more of an effort to "seduce" her at times.

Shame she stopped feeling horny again then.

I think it was at that point that I became more bitter about the times that she is not horny. Acceptance changed to resentment.


Five years ago.


Five years of months between sex is a long time.

It's even longer when you often don't actually have sex, because we'd done it so rarely when we were crazy passionate, that it's difficult to actually do something so much more, uh, complicated.

...

Five years. Actually, most of the time we don't have sex. Here goes. In five years, I think there were only two other occasions when we properly tried to have sex - they failed.

Five years. Since the first time and last time I had sex with my girlfriend/wife.

Married for three months now. "Played" once on the honeymoon. No sex then. Didn't even try.

I feel like a virgin.

AND I know that she has slept with more people than I have had sex in my whole life.


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I think the last five years flew by a little quickly towards the end there, but I wanted to get to the end. I did it.

No idea what that's achieved. But I did it.

I'm at a loss as to what to say now. You probably are too.

Thanks for reading.