Rollercoaster

I sometimes feel rejected.

This is probably obvious.

I think I said some months ago, that you miss some of the simple things. Like hardly ever kissing for more than a quick peck. I think she's said in the past that she often doesn't want to go giving a niice kiss in case I get over-excited and subsequently let down.

I miss feeling wanted.

Even when we do do stuff occasionally, it often starts with reluctance on her part, before she changes her mind. So sometimes even when we do do stuff, I don't quite get into it emotionally. Pff, listen to me. I sound like a woman ;)

Of course, this is why we need to get things sorted out, and where Relate can hopefully help.

I haven't thought about it much recently, but sometimes I do feel slightly worried about actually getting things solved and/or going to Relate! What if we can't get things sorted out? Or, what if we get things technically sorted out, but I'm still sad? Of course, these questions cannot really be answered.

She does fancy me in theory (she likes my bum :-P and my tummy), but she just never thinks about it in the right way.

I have always said that sexy is a state of mind. Sexy is about not just about how you look or what you wear, but about how you wear it and how you move. Sometimes, you see tiny girls with big breasts and skimpy clothing, who actually manage to somehow not be very sexy. You see this sometimes in music videos. Even when they're supposedly dancing seductively, you can see they almost look like they're trying to remember exactly what dance move to do next, and the look of concentration on their face as they desperately try to languidly stroke their thighs.

Once-upon-a-time, my wife felt sexy. She was good at it too.

But in general, she has a poor self-image of herself. She doesn't feel horny because she is too busy thinking about how she feels like a big fat blob.

I have tried so, so hard over all the years to help her to shake this image she has of herself, but I think unfortunately I cannot help her with this. She can only help herself.

Over the years I have known her, the occasions on which she feels anything more than (very) "short term horny", are the times when people (men) show an interest in her.
This allows her to put aside her own beliefs and to see herself in someone else's eyes, someone who fancies her. This is true in both the real and the virtual world. Even simple flirting with someone can be enough to restore her self-opinion enough for her to start feeling sexy again.
Unfortunately, after she was used to me for more than a few months, the fact that I felt she was gorgeous and sexy wasn't enough anymore. I don't want to say she takes it for granted, but I guess it's along those lines. She knows that I believe it, but she will not/can not believe it herself.
She will oh so rarely genuinely accept any compliment I pay her. It's not even the stereotypical "womany" style of compliment rejection - i.e. it's not "you look nice in that dress" "do you mean I look bad in a different dress?" so much as "you look nice today" "hmph." "what?" "I had a bad lunch", etc.
Or sometimes if it's more of a "phwoar! you look pretty hot! nudge nudge wink wink" sort of compliment, I think she tends to just want to hide, for guilt of not wanting to nudge nudge wink wink.

Because I know how much of an issue some of this is, I'd be quite happy for her to engage in "harmless flirting" (e.g. chatting online to people on the other side of the world or something) sometimes, because I know by now that there's often not really anything that I can say/do to cheer her up myself (and that's often depressing all on its own). She doesn't actually do this though, although I'm not sure that that isn't just because she doesn't have somewhere to do it.
I don't understand why she's almost so unwilling to try to feel sexy at all. She's acknowledged before that doing things like, for example, reading sexy stories has worked, but she refuses to read any! I don't understand :(

Recently (i.e. about the last five months) she seems to have gone even more downhill and never really seems to even TRY anything. I'm not sure whether this is related to the marriage, or the hope that maybe Relate will sort things out (Except for that taking its time to get us a regular meeting), or something else.
I just wish she'd look like she at least tried to make an effort sometimes, or something! It's this recent "excessive lack of effort" that is I think starting to get to me. It was only a few months ago that I posted "Hope". I have no real short-term hope anymore of anything happening by surprise. Whilst I suspect my feelings would come back if she felt sexy again, she does not seem as sexy or as pretty to me as I used to find her.

I know she loves me. In fact, because of all this, she probably still feels more in love with me than I with her sometimes. She wanted three things. (1) Wedding, (2) Bigger house, (3) Children (not in the immediate/forseeable future, just in general). I've given her (1) (hah!), but I'm not moving an inch on the others until I'm happy and things are right.
I know she feels guilty about all the things that are wrong, too. She feels guilty about sex, and about her feelings towards herself, and she's trapped with them and doesn't know what to do any more than I do. But she seems to too often just want to almost wallow in that guilt rather than do anything constructive.

We got married in March, a bit over a year since I had proposed. For some weeks after the wedding, I felt angry, confused and depressed when I thought back to the wedding night. Remembering it now, I still do, but at least it "randomly" pops into mind less often.

Everyone knows what happens on the wedding night.

But wedding are hard work. You've got all those people to talk to, and things to say, and things to check, things to enjoy, hope all that organisation has paid off. I knew it was unlikely to be an "up all night" sort of job.
After the wedding, she changed out of her dress (and her special wedding underwear) into more "comfortable" attire. I then drove us 'round the M25 to the place I had organised for the first night. Just around the corner from the airport. Nice hotel.

I guess it was 8-9pm ish by the time we got there. After the long day, we were both fairly tired by then. I tried to not get my hopes too far elevated that too much might happen. By the time we'd gone downstairs and had a meal, I think it was around 10-10:30ish by the time we got back upstairs. I could see by then that she was really quite tired. I tried to prepare myself for the fact that actually, not only was not having sex looking like an option, but that not even doing anything was starting to look worryingly plausible.
At the same time as trying to prepare myself for the worst, I also tried to do my best to nurture what little flame I may have been able to provoke. I opened the (complementary) bottle of Champagne for us to have some of. She managed about half a glass ("I don't really like Champagne") before she was almost asleep on the sofa.

I continued trying to prepare myself for the worst. After all, it had been a long day, we were both tired, and we still had the next two weeks ahead of us.

I helped her through to the bedroom, where she got undressed and flopped into bed. She suggest I put out the "Do not disturb" sign so we weren't awoken excessively early. She looked like she was practically half-asleep already.

I left the bedroom, walked through the "lounge" bit (hey, first night, nice suite), and opened the door to our room.

All my attempted preparation fell apart at that moment.

There was clearly another couple in the room opposite us, and they clearly weren't too tired.
(why, I suspect they weren't even in the bedroom, if their suite was anything like ours)

I put the sign out on our door and closed it. I couldn't hear them from both sets of doors. I felt lost for a moment. I put my ear to the door and could hear them again.

I walked away, back to our bedroom.

I tried to swallow all my negative thoughts, leaving only the positive ones and hope. I may even have joked about the other couple.

I got into bed. She was still practically (but not actually) asleep.

I tried. I tried to cuddle up close and kiss her and stroke her... but it did not work. I gave up, eventually.

And so I laid there. Tired and sad.

After a couple of minutes, she sleepily said, "did you want to do stuff?"

I don't remember my tone of voice, but I probably said "No. It's ok. You get to sleep." It was probably too late by then anyway. Too many feelings already swirling around.

I think I fell asleep surprisingly quickly, given the circumstances. I was tired. It had been a long day.

I had a wife to wake up next to.