It's Only Bloody Friday

Thank goodness, I think I need a Friday :)

I was just absolutely exhausted yesterday. Bizarrely, it felt like the first day this week where I didn't feel tired and sleepy... I just felt exhausted.

I got my hair cut at lunch. Was a little slow so didn't get time to have any proper food, which meant that when I got back to work lunch consisted of a packet of crisps and a Mars bar :) When I got home, I just went into "It's time to chill out!" mood, which I really, really needed. I started with a beer and biscuits. Went for a lovely warm shower (fortunately, I was just finishing as the hot water began to run out...). Ordered from Dominos. Sat and watched Spiderman with a glass of wine and chickeny things and potato wedges... I never got around to even opening the pizza box, so at least I know what I can eat tonight :)

Just a couple more hours left, and then it's the weekend...

In fact... Iii can't wait for the weekend to begin... :)

Periscopes

Things seeem very bizarre now. As one thing seems to resolve itself, another seems to break. It's like something's trying to maintain balance, but someone forgot to take off a heavy item from one end of the scale.

There are a lot of things all going up and down.

A number of things also seem to be getting booked:
- Tuesday Evening: Mrs M is coming over
- Wednesday unknown: New desk gets delivered (they failed to call last week prior to delivery, so I wasn't in to receive it)
- Wednesday lunchtime: I have a meeting with a solicitor to discuss divorce-related-stuff for the first time.
- Next Tuesday: Funeral.

All Good Things

I've had Nelly in my head today. I have her on loop for a bit now :)

It really is quite strange, though. The various threads of my life seem inexplicably intertwined.

Several weeks ago, new threads appeared and old threads began to come undone. Each thread unrelated to its neighbour. And yet, they all became apparent at once, within days of one-another.

Now, weeks later, each one of those threads seems to have wound its course, its change apparent. And, as each thread appeared at the same time, they all seem to have reached their ends at the same time.

I know that this is hardly the first time a number of things all seemed to have happened at once. But it is strange, you know?

I guess fate really does wield a tangled skein.

Release

I know a lot of you have offered your thoughts and prayers with regards to my Nan, and I thank you all for them.

Mum phoned me about 10 minutes ago to let me know we've lost her now.

I decided not to crack, "Have you tried looking in a different ward?"

It would have been six weeks tomorrow since she first went in, so this really is a release, both for her, and my Mum in particular.

Mum said she wondered whether to tell my sister yet, as she finishes work at 7 anyway (it was 6:35). I said that I'd have preferred that they told me about Grandad sooner (they waited until I finished work) when he died, but on the other hand, it wasn't much time.
Mum said she wasn't sure about my sister driving home, etc. I said "Well, you can just sort of go into auto and that's not really an issue. Would you like me to phone her?"

"No, no, it's ok, I just wasn't sure about her getting home and so on. I don't mind phoning her. ... Have you got her number?"

"No... Uh, would you like me to phone her?"

"Ok then"

My sister answered the phone, and I was pleasantly surprised to realise I actually recognised her through the worky voice.

I phoned Mrs M to let her know too, as I knew she had been concerned.

And then I thought I'd let you guys know :)

Thank you, take care. I think I'll be heading around the M25 now...

Self-Righting

Whilst my post on Monday was somewhat reflective, and definitely do feel an overall "Gosh, look how far I've come" feeling about these things, I was also feeling a little stressed by a few things.

I "pulled a sicky" yesterday to give myself some space, and was able to use the time constructively to arrive at some worthy conclusions.

There have been a number of things going on my life recently that I decided not to blog about for a small multitude of reasons (I like that word, "multitude", it's a good word :) ).

Some of these things have been going on for months, some for weeks.

Some of them were really great, others really sucked. More often than not, they managed to be both really great AND really suck. Niiice. ;) There were a couple of times I began to blog about these things, but then they actually changed so fast the post would no longer have been relevant. Oh, what fun. :)

I apologise for cryptically teasing y'all with information, but this was something I felt I wanted to say. It is time for me to put all of these things behind me and move on, because all of the great bits have gone, and only the sucky bits are left.

I shall stand up again, and I shall stand taller and firmer.

I find that these lyrics keep drifting through my head:

Knock me down I'll get right back up again
I'll come back stronger than a powered up Pac-Man

It's time to eat some ghosts.

It is interesting to note

Around this time last year was actually one of the most difficult times.

Sleeping was near impossible.

I could barely eat - I rarely nibbled more than a corner of a sandwich for lunch.

It was mostly just... feeling so emotional, constantly. That state where you just feel slightly dazed, your stomach knotted.

I remember making this random post, or even this one about dunking biccies :) From its style, I think you would not really know it, but I remember I felt absolutely terrible at the time. Filled with sadness.

I think I was starting to realise that it was all going to be over and could not be fixed that led me to feeling blue and thinking of random metaphors that seemed to describe how I felt.

Hmm, I guess if I were creative enough, I should have written some poems, then I could have given them to Roses to review! :)

Was feeling a little contemplative and reflective today. And, as I try to finish munching on my little sausage roll, I realise it's time I headed back to work...

=========

PS. No real change with my Nan still. Mum thinks that she is getting weaker. The consultant is surprised that she has held on this long. My sister said it is getting harder for them (particularly my Mum, of course) now.

And Then I Happened to Mention...

There were only four of us for Friday pub lunch today. One had to pop out somewhere, a couple are on holiday, and another is trying to save his money. (Although no doubt he really will just use the "I didn't have lunch today, so I'll leave early" excuse)

We were into the second pint when I happened to mention that I needed to go see a lawyer or something about getting divorced at some point.

Reasons for divorce were mentioned, including the fact that "Unreasonable behaviour" these days probably included things down to squeezing the tooth paste from the wrong end.

I gasped. "She ALWAYS squeezed the toothpaste from the wrong end!"

And then I happened to mention, "And we also hadn't actually had sex in the time we'd been married..."

M'colleague with whom I used to share my office asked, as we walked back to work (the other two had popped to the loo first), "So... Not even on the honeymoon, then? I thought that was a given."

"Yes," I said, "You would, wouldn't you."

I have no need to share this information. I do not "need" to talk to people about this anymore. But I think that becoming more comfortable in talking to "real" people - people whom I have known for many years - about these things, is probably good for me.

Ing Needs a Slap

Honestly Ing, you do make me laugh :)

It must be the long hard hours, leave your mind a-whirling each night, perhaps :)

Congratulations on now having used my real name THREE times in comments ;) lol :)

Honestly, here I am, Mr. "Anonymous-enough-such-that-I-at-least-couldn't-be-Googled" and you go name-dropping ;)

Thank you for your concern though :)

Life just seems to be busy at the moment, and I'm feeling a little out of the blogging loop.

Meanwhile, my Nan, no real change, basically. Sorry, I had been meaning to write a quick update on this for you all who have been concerned.

I found out a while back that the doctor "in charge" of her had been swapped, as one had too many patients, blah blah, and the new doctor put her back on saline solution, if not nowt else really.

Mum was saying today that she has switched ward now. She was in the stroke ward, but now is in a ward that my Mum described as "seems like people are just waiting there either to go to a home or to die".

She thought the ward seemed very nice though and the nurses very nice and friendly.

Mm, what else? Had a fairly busy weekend. Saturday was an interesting mix of things - Mrs M was over in the afternoon (she's not over here [this part of the country] often at the moment, as she has no need to be), and I gave her a drive with all our honeymoon vids and all our pics and some other stuff on that she has been waiting for me to sort out for a while. She said she probably won't be back this way for about a month. She seemed a little distant in general. Meh, whatever. I'd have liked to remain more as friends or something than to drift apart, but, in the grand scheme of things I'm not really bothered.

My boss' anniversary do was great fun Saturday evening. Although he said that technically their anniversary was actually a few weeks ago and they had really just fancied an excuse for a barbeque ;)

Right, and I think it's time I was off to bed :)

Euch

So, realising the number of things I still wanted to try to do this weekend, I decided to take this afternoon off to create a little extra time.

It was around about then that it started absolutely pissing it down ;)

Fortunately, I mostly wanted to do things inside rather than out, so, ok, shame it's so terribly miserable, but not the end of the world :)

I drove home, and just got out of my car when I heard a house alarm at the other end of the area go off. All of a sudden, the one behind me as I got out my car (which is immediately under my window) went off too.

I get in to discover it looks like there's been a brief powercut, which explains the alarms.

I look at my phone and have a txt message from Virgin. "You have exceeded your credit limit and your service has been suspended."

Oh. My. Goodness. I give them a ring, it turns out, I've only spent 105 quid on there this month! Eek! £105!!

OH YES! Now, look at that! Someone up there likes me! :)

So... It's now stopped raining, and literally while I was writing that sentence about the alarm, it stopped making noise! :)

How cool is that? :)

All I need to do now is win the lottery. And presumably buying a ticket would help with that, but still ;) Hmm, "go to supermarket" and "get petrol" are things on my "to do" list this afternoon, so maybe I'll chance it ;)

Right. And now, it's time to get on with whatever it is I need to get on with :)

Busy Busy

It seems to have been a busy week! And it's only Thursday! :) Well, I suppose I should be glad I'm not saying that on Monday ;)

We had several large projects go live this week at work (I seemed to be involved in all of them), and as well as that, a few majorish unexpected problems (I seemed to be involved in all of them - no I didn't CAUSE them! :) ) also reared their ugly heads.

Today was a good day, as I successfully beat the crap out of a few of them :) Had the theme from He-Man going through my head as I quoshed one particularly nasty little brute :)

Got home today by about 6:30. Feels strangely early given that most days this week I've not left until around 8. Was thinking about all the things I wanted to do this evening when I got in... Until I sat down for five minutes and realised how tired I was and just sat flopped on my sofa for 30mins ;) Eventually managed to stand up and pull myself back to my computer to try to wake my brain up. For some reason, I ended up reading about the flux capacitor from Back to the Future. Which was interesting, after I then spoke to my friend who said she was about to watch Back to the Future.

But still, after that, I managed to find the time to get a bin put out (oh bugger, I just realised I forgot to clear out the fridge), hang some sheets on the dryer (I nipped home at lunch to start the machine), agree to help a friend move, put another load of washing in the machine, agree not to help a friend move, eat some 'food', wrap a present, watch the first episode of 24 Series 2, vacuum up a load of grass that came off my shoes following a random walk yesterday, blog, ermmmm... And hopefully I'll find time to squeeze a few more things in yet :)

I am also slightly curious as to whether this coming Saturday has some sort of spooky cosmic significance, as since last month, it was a date that began shouting at me.

- There's some sort of book or something coming out, about which a few of my friends are quite excited
- Another couple of my friends have their birthdays (*wave* happy birthday)
- It is my boss' 25th Wedding Anniversary. Well, not just his, it's his wife's too. See, more coincidences! ;)
- I think I need to go to Tesco's.

See. Exciting stuff, eh? ;)

Now then. Right. I need to get on and do something useful :)

Oh oh! I know... I decided (Possibly ;) )... Ok, sod it. I have ended up not looking at desks recently. I'm just going to say "sod it" and order that one I looked at before from the possibly dodgy company. If it takes a while to arrive, meh, I probably wouldn't have found another in that time, and if it doesn't arrive, I'll contact credit card company and get cash back that way.

*click*

Sometimes, when I'm working on a problem, it takes a long time for the answer to hit me. It often hits me when I don't expect it. The number of times I've been having a pee when a great idea's hit me, I can't tell you ;) (Yes yes ladies, I can already hear the "Oh, that explains why you miss the bowl" comments, thank you very much)

Maybe because work has been busy today (I just got home 10 mins ago) it gave me some space to think about something else, without thinking about it, as it were.

Because I've had all the pieces. They've been sitting there staring at me. But I couldn't manage to assemble them. And they've just clicked straight into place all of a sudden, and it makes sense now.

I still don't know for sure what it is I'm looking at ;) But I think I've got a good idea. :) Hah! :) Ok, right, sorry, I'm being vague and obscure. Yes. Tough ;)

Forgiven

Was talking about something vaguely related to this earlier, and thought I'd share some of my random thoughts that I have had on this subject.

It's a part of what I perceived as a tangible benefit to many of Christianity. Forgiving someone for something seems to me to be A Good Thing. Now, I know that some people like to hold on to these things, but, each to his own.

I remember someone telling me once that it frustrated them that they found it difficult to forgive some stuff, when her hubby would just be like... fine, ok... nice and chilled. Which I think is potentially good, dependent upon your reasons - I think some stuff actually should be difficult to forgive, it shouldn't be a simple click of the fingers, everything's fine sort of job. You need to appreciate really what it is you're forgiving, and I suspected that perhaps it was more a case of one cared about it more than the other. But that's just me being a suspicious bugger ;)

Hmm. Having said that :) I have always found it fairly easy to forgive things - often to the point where it's so easy that it barely even occurs to me that there is anything to forgive.

I mean there is stuff that hurt, but, I don't hold it against her. It is a little odd to be around her now not because of that, but simply because of how close things were, versus how close things now aren't. Which is more just a little weird than anything else in particular :)

I was aware that it was last July that I began making really significant posts to my blog. It is amazing to think... One year and one week today, since I made what felt the most significant.

That was so hard, so hard at the time to write.

It is much easier now. Ok, still kind of embarassing, but easier. Indeed, I even ended up summarising the whole thing to someone "out loud" the other day, like, properly talking to them and everything ;)

Hey, I even mentioned it off-hand when they said something about honesty - "Hey, you don't need to drink to be honest - I told you I haven't had sex in five years, remember!"

At which point it was pointed out that actually I'm 27 (and-a-half), which makes it six-and-a-half years. Ah. Well. Yes. Thanks for that ;) Nah, I didn't even mind that :)

It is so much less important to me now, in the Grand Scheme of Things. Ah, I've lost my thread now. I've ended up going at tangents, combining multiple blog ideas into one. That's what happens when you have too many vague ideas ;)

Forgiveness. So. I can only really remember one thing I chose not to forgive. It was about ten years ago, regarding an online incident that I can't be bothered to detail, but it hurt me at the time, and I wanted to be angry about it.
To be honest... A part of me almost enjoyed it... To actually focus my efforts and humour and be mean to someone... I don't recall having done that before (or since), and it was interesting to realise how much of a bastard I could be if I really wanted to be ;)
But, again, to be honest... After a short while I actually felt quite guilty about it and I almost had to struggle NOT to get over it ;) (This wasn't like a BIG thing, as I said, it was only online, and only went on for, I don't know, a couple of months or something)

I think the time I struggle most to be able to forgive something is when I can't understand it. Then it's normally more difficult. Fortunately, I can manage to understand most things after a while ;) Especially once they're explained. To the best of my recollection, I have been lucky enough that I think anything that's ever happened to me that has hurt, I have been able to understand, or to at least come up with potential explanations for. And if I can understand it, I'm probably over half-way there...

And in the end, I can find reasons for a lot of things that did (or didn't) happen, and I can understand them, and I can forgive them. I mean the most recent 'big' thing was a few months back when I realised she'd been reading my blog. And once she'd explained why... I could see why she'd done it - I just wish she'd have told me. Certainly, I learnt enough times over the last few months that there just is never a good time to say some things, but that doesn't mean you can leave them left unsaid. Just have to grit 'yr teeth and get on with it :)

Oh, I could go on to 100 more tangents from here... And I have completely lost my original thread, I'm sure I was headed somewhere but I got too distracted both by myself (as I wrote) and the things around me (one of those days, phew!), so I think I'll just hit the Publish button and let this unstructured mess go ;)

No News

In case anyone wondered, I have no news on my Nan.

They say, of course, that no news is good news. Which at these times is debatable, but still...

I think I am a little sheltered from it all, to be honest, being a drive away. I was thinking about hopping over for a bit the other day, but, err, didn't :)

I may, *may*, if you're very lucky, post some other interesting news later on though. Where I choose not to define "later" ;)

Waiting

I am not very good at "waiting". I don't like it. It's one reason I love to upgrade my computer - make it faster, less waiting ;)

Waiting is always difficult, but sometimes, we have no choice but to wait.

My sister told me yesterday that she had made a joke out of one phrase, as apparently I used it almost every time I talked to someone about it - "Unfortunately, you just don't know which way it's going to go."

As every day brought different news and she yo-yo'd between states, I was aware that I have heard other people talk of similar circumstances. Better, worse. Up, down.

The decision was made yesterday to withdraw most artificial support from my Nan. No food, no medicine, only painkillers.

The phrase of the day seemed to be "Let nature run its course".

Ducks

Here is a pic I took last week when my sis was over :)



Whilst I decided to let her go a bit out of focus, ain't she pretty? :)

Those li'l quacky things go a bit crazy when you have a slice of bread ;)

Maybe there's a bit of advice for us all there? :) Don't be a pickle head, live life like a duck...

Quack! :)

Quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack :)

Haha... I feel better for quack. :)

Eek! Run Poor Li'l Squizzel!

Well, there I was on my way in to work, doing something incredibly, incredibly embarassing* at the time, had just accelerated through the traffic lights and up the steep hill, now following the car in front of me, travelling at 30...

When, all of a sudden, a li'l squizzel runned out from the edge of the road! :-O

Straight under the car in front of me, he went!

I tell you, I don't know how many lives squirrels have, but he was one lucky little chap!

He must actually have passed just in front of the right-hand front wheel, but kept running at a constant pace and came out from behind the left-hand front wheel.

He appeared slightly confuzzled :)

-----------------------------------

Squizzel: The correct and official word for referring to a "squirrel". Anything else is just stupid.
Runned: "Ran", only cuter.
Confuzzled: "Confused", only cuter.



* It had just gone 9 (I was late. Shock!) - I had Radio 1 on. Their random song at 9 o'clock today? Atomic Kitten, Whole Again. I feel dirty to admit... I was singing along... "Looking back on when we first met, Iiiiii cannot escape and I cannot forget..."

Get the F**k off my Arse

Well... It's a more original post title than "Road Rage" ;)

I'm pretty relaxed driving most of the time - I certainly don't tend to get too stressed by other people the majority of the time. I mean I cock things up enough myself and tend to rarely have any idea where I'm going, that it's only fair I cut other people the same slack as I would appreciate ;)

But I think the regular thing that tends to get to me most is when someone sits right on my arse. I do not like that. (Hmm, possibly because I've been in a car twice that's gone into the back of someone - um, 'only' driving one of those times ;) )

I've only been driving a few years (for less time than you'd normally expect these days), and I was quite good at keeping to the speed limits for a while, but I struggle more these days. I blame them lowering some of the limits on my way to work... and my always being late, but not actually wanting to be ;)

Someone sat right on my arse driving home though. Think I was doing about 35 in a 30 at the time. Turned the corner up to the 40 bit with good visibility, decided I wasn't in the mood for this and left him weeeell behind ;) (I may have been doing a smidgeon over 40. Sort of. Ish)

...Until I got back to the downhill bendy 30 bit, when I stuck to the speed limit (or under) the rest of the way (I try to at least drive safely), with him back on my arse.

Didn't mind then though, I'd made my point - if I wanted to, I could have gone faster. But I chose not to, thank you very much ;)

Good job Lily Allen wasn't on the radio too, or who knows WHAT would have happened ;)

(Note: Normally, I would be very boring and keep to the speed I was comfortable with, ensuring that I had a larger-than-average gap ahead of me to allow greater time to maneuver to any difficulties)

3. Trainee

Interviewed another trainee today. Was supposed to interview him on Tuesday but ended up not at the time :)

Seemed quite promising. Little hard to tell as he hadn't actually done any programming in the main language we use, but seemed to know what he was talking about and was able to answer questions.

Apparently, one of my questions overlapped with one my boss had asked the other day (I didn't know this)... The other day he had failed to answer it so my boss explained, then he told me what it was today. Mentioned this to my boss and he's like, "Well... He's remembered what I told him then! That's it almost word-for-word!" :) lol :)

The only thing that concerned me just a little was that he seemed perhaps a notch over-confident. Which, fair enough to be confident in your ability, but just seemed a bit too certain, I thought. So long as he's not too stubborn and is able to learn and pay attention, he should be ok though ;)

We need to check his references, but other than that, will probably be hired.

I'll keep you informed, and blame me if he turns out not to be up to it after all ;)

Oh... And he's even younger than me! :) lol, not so amazing now I'm getting old (eee, 27 and-a-half, getting old, me ;) ), but I was only 19 when I started, and I think he's still only 18.

lol, what a range of ages we will have ;) I have been the baby of the office for so long ;) So we will (probably) have him in his teens, me a twenty-something, one thirty-something, two forty-somethings, two fifties, and a sixty-niner :) (seventy this year)

So. There you go :)

2. Update on My Furniture

Need to go vacuum up the bits of loose packaging and woody bits, then I'll start sorting out clothes :) Yay! :)

(Oh... I mentioned in a comment yesterday... The bedside cabinets and the chest of drawers were pre-assembled. I paid for them to assemble the wardrobe for me)

I shall post pics or video at some point :) At some point ;)

They came back to pick up the spare chest of drawers too :)

1. Update on My Nan

The appointment with the consultant came around yesterday (the one I booked with them last Friday - it was the earliest available). They had to try again to get a pipe put into her to feed her. Otherwise, they said, her stomach was in danger of not accepting any more food.

So, they got the tube put up her nose and into her stomach.

Well, maybe it was that that helped, but apparently today she's responding a bit more again. Mum said when they were talking today there was a point when Nanny opened her eyes again and was trying to pay attention.

My sister asked them yesterday, "Didn't you run out of things to say?" "We [Mum and Dad] were playing I-Spy" said Mum ;)

When we were there the other day, I had also figured (like Dianne mentioned) that talking would be a good thing. I mentioned what had happened over tea-time the night before...
My sister asked, "Shall I go and get the chocolate cake?" (It was her birthday)
Mum looked at her quizically, "What did you say?"
"Shall I go and get the chocolate cake?"
"Oh! I thought you said you'd like some more potato."

My mum's daft ;)

I almost wondered after mentioning that whether she smiled for a moment, but to be honest, I suspect it was my imagination.

Still. I've heard of people go up and down at these times before, so we'll just have to wait and see what happens. Can't really guess beyond that.