I thought that this weekend I had managed to calm myself down a lot. Managed to chill out, relax, de-stress a bit. But my thoughts sure are running in circles right now. Of course, it seems to be a lot hotter again today, and I always find it even more difficult to sleep/stop thinking in the heat.
I think it feels like this...
I am standing on the edge of a cliff.
For a long time, I have been slowly leaning further and further over the cliff, a tiny fraction of a degree at a time.
No matter how far you lean, you're still only leaning. You can get pulled back again.
Then, for the briefest of moments that can feel like eternity, you're perfectly balanced. Neither leaning nor falling.
And then, all of a sudden you're not leaning anymore. The wind is rushing past, and where before everything happened oh so slowly, everything is happening in mere seconds, yet each second occurs in slow motion.
Everything's changed oh so very quickly, and I don't know what's at the bottom of the cliff.
Ironically, our conversation Thursday night has given her some things to think about, and I believe she is making more of an effort.
While we were hugging earlier, she said she didn't want to let me go.
I said there was going to be a lot of work for us both.
She loves me so, so much.
I'm scared.
I remember reading (I think on Relate's website) that because most couples see therapy as a last resort, they can leave it almost too late, when everything becomes harder to fix.
In the initial meeting we had with Relate, they said there were two types of counselling that could be applicable to us; relationship counselling and psycho-sexual therapy.
We're on the waiting list for a psycho-sexual therapist. I'm not sure it's the right one anymore.
Recently, a day or two ago, someone suggested to me that if our regular PST appointment still didn't become available this week, that I should go talk to someone myself. At the time, it did seem an almost silly idea. Now I'm not so sure.
I don't know whether this blog (all of it I mean, not just this post) has done me much good or harm. Hopefully at least right now, writing all of this will stop it running through my head over and over.
I don't want to hurt her.
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A first port of call could be your local GP, who may be able to refer you to a male counsellor on the NHS.
ReplyDeleteIf not, an NLP counsellor may be of some use to you.
Often, individual counselling together with 'couples' counselling is helpful.
My personal thoughts?
When challenges we face are fully brought into the open, they are obviously more real to us and the pain is strongly evident. The challendes you both face are not worse than they have been for the whole of the five years prior, just revealed.
My husband had an alcohol addiction for 5 years, abusive with it as is often the case. Facing the truth is always difficult, it's the biggest hurdle to overcome and after that a plan is needed for restoration which both parties are committed to.
Hard work, but that's the evidence of love proclaimed.
It takes a lot of courage and honesty to face hard issues, i admire you :)
Thank you, Dianne, you have been a help to me.
ReplyDeleteI'm feeling a little better today. Took me a while to get to sleep last night, but I feel a little better for it.
On top of the stuff I was aware of but didn't think about, there have been a few things I have remembered recently that I forgot about a long time ago.
Sometimes it's just difficult to see the good in a situation, but as you say, I've just been hit by everything else recently.
Like this morning when I made the first round of tea... A tea bag split in the pot, so I had to make it again.
On the other hand, that teapot was totally singing to me :-P
Thank you again, Dianne, and everyone else.
PS. No, I'm not on drugs, I'm telling you it was singing! I mean ok, like, pheeeee-weee-bleeeeeee-teeeeeee-pheeee-gneeeeeeeee, but it spent five minutes doing it, and it was much more melodious than the usual pffffffff-raaaaaaaaasp-pfffffff noises it can make. So there. :-P
I havne't been in your situation, so I can't offer advice as regards that, but I will say that therapy can be really helpful. I should have stayed longer in it, but only see that in retrospect. I found it really helpful to talk to someone neutral, and because of the one-on-one situation, I could be completely frank. Perhaps that might be something that you would find useful?
ReplyDeleteThanks suz.
ReplyDeleteHindsight is a wonderful thing, eh?
The trick is whether we actually learn from our mistakes.
Recently, I keep remembering a conversation I was in, during a pub lunch on a Friday some years ago.
They were talking about problems with their children and similar.
Someone pointed out, "We all have our load to bear."
I said nothing.
Yes, it might be something I would find useful.
PPS.
ReplyDeleteDianne, don't admire me yet. These years haven't been easy, but I rarely found them difficult.
It's only now that the challenge truely begins.
Thanks, northern monkey.
ReplyDeleteI made the tea again this afternoon. It sounded almost like bag pipes playing :)
Ok, I may have a little too much imagination in there, but it really makes some sustained funny noises!
I kept prodding it and poking it to try to understand what part of the pot was making the noises (it's not the lid, it's not the spout, and it's not water trapped underneath it), but I couldn't figure it out :)
I pointed it out to someone else, and he reckoned there must just be a hairline crack in it or something. (See, I'm not mad! Other people hear it too! :-P)