The Waiting Game

Rumour has it that as of today, our phoneline now appears to have been fixed (and actually fixed this time, as opposed to the "no bloody difference" last time they told us it was fixed - they even left the divert in place, clearly showing to my mind that they knew it wasn't fixed at all!), but ADSL is still dead.

BT engineers do worry me sometimes. I mean the first time I got a phoneline installed, not only did they have to replace the telegraph pole outside (taking out the phones for the entire road for a day), but when they then installed the line, there were FIVE major faults with the thing... Ranging from the socket having been wired up incorrectly, to problems at the exchange!

And when we got ADSL installed originally (some years ago before it was really popular - you had to have an engineer come to your house, rather than the "wires only" approach today), the night before installation, they managed to knock out the phoneline completely for some thirteen days. Cue three engineers turning up the next morning (each with their own van), each looking rather clueless.

So come on BT, pull your fingers out and sort it out :)

Meanwhile, I'm afraid I didn't get anything written this weekend. It's been a busy few weeks, and there's still quite a lot that I'd like to write about, if only for the sake of keeping my faithful followers fully.. formulated. Sorry, decided to take a run on the alliteration there ;)

I may try to get some more written today, but but but I notice I have missed a lot of IDF happenings (that's the Intel Developer Forum, but I bet you all already knew that ;) recently, so there's probably tons of exciting stuff to read about there ;)

No, really, there is! :) ... If you like that sort of thing. ;)

On a different (key?)note, we have our first joint Relate session tonight following on from the solo ones that we had. It's been a busy few weeks. We have a lot to talk about.

PS. I mean when you hear about silicon photonic interconnects doesn't it just sound like something made up for Star Trek? :) I mean, what does it mean!? :) Lasers built into computer chips!? Crazy stuff. What's next? Communicating with people all around the world without even leaving my desk? Oh... :)

Time for a Quick One

Thought I'd post a quicky just to say that BT have ever so generously decided to completely knacker our ADSL service as well as our telephone line.

Having a completely dead phone for three weeks is one thing, but now they've given us half a dial tone but stolen the Internet! Completely unacceptable! ;)

I tell you, we'll both be wide-eyed, white as sheets, and shaking in the corner of the room by Sunday night ;)

I've still got a lot of stuff I'd like to write, just for the sake of keeping you all informed, really. Perhaps I'll write some of it up without having the distraction of the Internet around this weekend ;)
Of course, having said all this, it will no doubt magically fix itself this evening just to make me look stupid. And that's not something I need any help with, thank you very much! ;)

Bits and Bobs and Things to Say

Well, the last time I made a big list, I don't think I referred back to it after about the first day, so I'll try to keep this one short ;)

Right now, I have either started, or want to start, the following posts:

• Last Monday. This was my last (for the forseeable future) solo Relate session - no revelations, but I will summarise some of the 'generic' questions I was asked and my answers. Specifically: Decision about my blog and secrets (obviously, you know the outcome), stress, my parents, my wife.
  
• Last Tuesday. My wife went to the doctor's.
  
• Last Wednesday. A little more detail about what I told her and her reactions.
  
• Today (Monday). Her last solo Relate session; some things she told me afterwards.
  
• Getting engaged, and getting married (I can explain some of my thoughts here as I go, and was reminded I wanted to say about some of this by Northern Monkey's thoughts, as I said below).
  
• Ummm I think that's about it for now :)
  

I was going to try to blog at least one of these today, but it turned into a long evening :)

My wife had the car so she could go to Relate. I'd been planning on getting a lift with someone else from work, but he turned out not to be in. So I umm'd and err'd about how far to walk vs. getting a bus etc.
Eventually, I got a lift with someone else part way, and figured I'd walk along the bus route until I couldn't be bothered to walk anymore :)

Well, as it turned out, I walked the next two miles into town. Which, interestingly enough, was where my wife had left the car... Oh ho ho, and as I got to the car, it started raining... "Oh ho ho ho ho" goes my brain ;)

So, I...

Got in the car...

Drove off...

Turned around...

Left the car parked a few feet away facing the other direction! "Hah!", thought I, "that'll throw her!" ;) And continued home the next two miles on foot :)
In total, I made it home in about an hour and ten minutes, which wasn't bad allowing for ten minutes in the middle pissing about with the car ;)

Did indeed get fairly soaked, but just didn't care really :) I mean I wasn't going to be able to avoid it, and for some reason I just started humming "Summer Holiday" (oh dear, oh dear, oh dear ;)

Also happened to bump into our old trainee on the way. Was interested to hear he has a new job.

Oh, I was also thinking (well, remembered)... Some people say I'm patient. I guess it depends what I'm being patient about. I do hate waiting. I would rather spend 20mins walking than waiting for a bus :) (Er, or in this case, 1 hour walking instead of a few mins for a bus ;)
Well, walking is more fun anyway :)

But I do feel impatient when I end up "stuck" behind someone ambling along slowly.

And I hate waiting for computers! That is one reason I like upgrading mine :) I don't want to do something and have to wait! I want it done noooow! :)
I mean with computers it's those "short" (several seconds to a minute or two) "waits" that get me. Many minutes, and you can do something else. But short enough to not let you do something else irritates me :)

Anyway, speaking of waiting, my wife is upstairs waiting for me to come to bed in "just five minutes..." ;)

*cough* Oops :)

Before I Forget...

And 'though it rained,
I did not care.
For I was already wet.

Stuff like that kind of bugs me. So short, so simple. Is it a poem? Did I just make it up, or is it lines half-remembered? (Or half-forgotten, depending upon your perspective ;)

One for those of you (i.e. most of you ;) more cultured than I to answer, I think ;)

Anyway, I can't hang around here rambling at all you guys. I'm drained, definitely drenched, and desperately in need of a warm shower ;)

No comments about being both drained AND drenched. Anyone who has just considered such comments has clearly been paying too much attention to the sort of terrible cheese I come out with ;)

The Road Ahead

As I laid in bed this morning, I found myself thinking about the road ahead.

Over the last couple of days, it feels like my wife, probably a little 'threatened' by everything I told her, has been making a bit more of an effort. I can see that the little flicker of hope (which, to me, felt almost extinguished in July/August time) is still there.

So, as I find myself able to eliminate one set of worries, I have immediately conjured a whole new set to appear in their place ;)

I can now see the hope that we can walk up this road together and work on things together, and that they can and will get better.

In seven years, I have gone through varying degrees of happiness. Overall, starting pretty happy and tailing off over the years. But in the seven years we've lived together, there has always been at least one problem (e.g. sex) that has held me back from feeling "truely" happy.

One day, we will have reached the end of our road, and I ought to be happier than I have been in seven years. But then I will need to work out whether I am "truely" happy.

Well, I've waited this long, what's a little longer, eh? ;) Hopefully I can console myself that a part of me knows there's happiness at the end of that road, or I would not have held on for so long.

But overall, we'll just have to wait and see what happens...

It's September. SEP-TEM-BER!

I noticed this when I went to the supermarket after my first solo Relate session. Euch. I thought last year they had returned the ridiculous run up to Christmas to a far more reasonable amount of time.
On the other hand, I wasn't very "happy" with last Christmas. It sort of crept up on me. I think it got real busy at work running up to Christmas, so I couldn't have much time off either over Christmas, or the random days off leading up to it.

I do like a good few days of completely random wandering around town TRYING to think of ideas for people. Never really get any, but at least I try ;)

Blogging in the Bath

Isn't technology marvelous? :)

I mean here I am, taking a soak in the bath, playing MP3s on my PDA, and typing (well, tapping) up a blog entry ;)

I'm not a huge fan of baths, but I always take ages in the shower(20mins is VERY fast for me - 30-45minutes is more likely average!), and right now I just couldn't be bothered to stand up for that long ;)

Well, it's been a busy week (and it's only Wednesday!), but I'll try to summarise some of it soon. I've also had ideas on a couple of rambly posts that I've not got around to writing yet.

This is rambling too, but not on any specific subject. It's a subtle difference, but a difference nonetheless ;)

Right, I think I'll stop now before my hand gets tired waving my thingy around.
(By which I mean my PDA stylus!! :-P)

Thank you all for your kind and thoughtful comments recently. They have all been very much appreciated, and sometimes really helpful, too :)

Told my wife...

...Everything.

"I am quite curious," she said, "as to what you've written, but I think you're right that I might not like it."

"And," she said, "I wonder what blog template you used."

Hahahahaha...

Phew.

One Reason I Love Being a Programmer...

See now, one of the things I love about being a programmer, is that if I have to do something boring, tedious, and repetitive on the computer... Most of the time, I don't have to! :) I can write a program to do it for me! :) I mean ok, it takes just as much time to write the program sometimes as it would do to actually just do it, but it's a lot less boring ;)

I mean, for example, some years ago, I found myself needing to do something like open a few dozen files, change "Written by Bob" to "Written by Fred". Ok, that's not hard to do, but it is a little dull.
So instead, I wrote a program which simply asked you to select a folder, asked you what text to look for, and what text to replace it with. Bang! It then goes off to each file in that folder and replaces the text.

I tell you, the number of times that program's saved me so much time in the years since I first knocked it up! :)

I think that's how the truely useful inventions come about. You can't just sit there and think, "Hmm, what would be a good thing to invent."
Things tend to need to have a reason to be used. Something to make life easier or more fun/interesting. And if you think of something that will make your own life easier or more fun/interesting, the chances are, there'll be a whole bunch of other people in the same boat.

Of course, just now, the "program" (well, it only had one line of code) I knocked up in two minutes wasn't exactly "useful" in the classical sense of the word. Neither did it specifically go out of its way to make anyones' life "easier". Although it was fun/interesting ;) Well... Perhaps. ;)

I mean if Bob (or was that Fred?) is going to leave his desk unoccupied for five minutes while I'm in the general vicinity and waiting for another computer to reboot... Then, well, he shouldn't really have left his computer unattended like that, should he. That's just asking for trouble. ;)

Ok, it's simple, but grabbing a picture of the screen and sticking it in a window that doesn't actually do anything takes about two seconds. So all of a sudden, it appears that clicking that Start button does nothing. Word won't close. The keyboard doesn't respond. Ho hum.

Oh, and bizarrely, all of a sudden, double-clicking seems to display some really strange error message... ;)

Good Luck Iona!

I remember that September 15th is the day Iona was due to get married.

Good luck Iona. I do hope you live happily ever after :)

Relate - Sessions 1, 1.5, 2, 3, or 4, and 1, 2, 3, 4, or 5

That's only two I have to talk about, but it depends on how you look at it as to what their session "number" is ;)

1 - as it was my first completely solo one
1.5 - as I had half the first one with this therapist prior to this full one
2 - as it was the second with this therapist
3 - third meeting with a psycho-sexual therapist
4 - our fourth meeting with Relate

The second one of these two I mentioned my wife had today.

So that's got the same first four reasons, plus #5, as it'll be our fifth meeting in total.

lol, was just thinking I keep going to refer to her by name... Maybe "Mrs Monkfish" ;)

Hah, look at that. What a lot of ramble without having said ANYTHING ;)

So, my meeting was yesterday, and my wife had one today as there had been a cancellation she could nip into the place of.
I (perhaps obviously) don't really know how my wife got on in hers (you aren't supposed to specifically talk about it, as they're asking about history and stuff in these first meetings, so don't want one person's recollections muddling the other's, etc.)
I'll be back in next Monday (so that'll be a total of 2.5 hours I'll have had alone with her), my wife the following Monday (2 hours), and the Monday after that (phew :) will probably be both of us. 'Course, I guess it depends how much my wife has to say though! :)

I think my initial bits are probably taking a little longer, as I have said about my blog and... everything. Now I've got that bit "out of the way", she ought to be able to concentrate on the questions she actually wants to ask a little easier ;)

I had been thinking about telling my wife about my blog and everything for some time anyway, but the Relate Therapist (I'll call her "RT" for short) said I should work out what I will be happy to share so that she knows what she can bring it up in the meeting(s) that we have together.

To me, it's kind of like this, easiest to hardest:
1. Tell her I have a blog
2. Tell her all my other worries (I actually don't remember what we've talked about in conversations in the last few weeks... if only I had made notes somewhere... oh... well, I can't be bothered to look then ;) But still, explain, make sure she understands.
3.
4. Actually have her READ my blog.

4 seems kind of difficult. The bit I worry about with that is how unnecessarily hurtful some stuff might be. Like, sometimes I just come here to vent, to get it all out and feel a bit better. I wouldn't mind her knowing anyone I know, or anything like that. I'm just not sure reading all everything I write when I'm hurt and stuff sometimes would be constructive.

She'll probably feel better about some stuff for knowing about my blog, and me having the chance to explain it and everyone and everything. I mean, take now, for instance. I'm sitting here, typing away to myself... And I suspect she's wondering what I'm typing, who I'm talking to... how worried she should be?

But, I mean, I started this to have somewhere to talk about my fears of marriage. Well, ok, I did that bit, and now I'm trying to make it work. So, I guess that's why her knowing about it "in theory" doesn't bother me too much - I am trying.

Hmm... Perhaps I should drop a future potential "Hi honey" here? ;)

RT mentioned, as I had previously feared upon occasion that perhaps Relationship Counselling may prove to be more appropriate. I guess I don't mind that too much, except I hope there's not another big delay in getting the ball actually rolling there.

Bits & Bobs

Phew, long day.

Will post about Relate later. Re-later? :) Relate-r? :) Oh dear. ;)

Errrm. Errrrrrm. What was I going to say?

Went for some petrol afterwards (as you do), but there was a queue, so I hopped into the supermarket to see if it had cleared by the time I came out. Picked up a *coughmicrowaveburgercough* and some flapjacks for me tea :) (Knew I didn't fancy much by then, as it was 7:30 already) Gave the Mrs a bell, and she asked if I could pick her up a bottle of Dr. Pepper. Ooh I tell you that's a struggle... 89p for a tiny bottle! (Oops sorry, sounded a bit Franky Howard there)
But then saw 6 cans on BOGOF for £2.39. Oh dear decision time there ;) I mean 12 cans for £2.39 is clearly better than 1 bottle for 89p... I went for 6 Dr. Peppers and 6 Lilts, as they were also in the deal :)

Meanwhile... Started downloading Windows Vista RC1 (Release Candidate 1 - theoretically feature complete, they just need to "tune" it now, in time for it to "go gold" next month or so, to be on store shelves late January) a short while ago. Blummey, it does make me appreciate the speed of connections these days sometimes... 2.5gb to download and it's 85% through already.

I'm sipping my Lilt and slowly munching through this burger atm. It's been a long day.

And Vista has hit 95%... :)

As I Gazed Up at the Sky

This picture, unfortunately, does not do it justice.

The moon was full and bright, and the clouds raced past, illuminated by its light.



Every cloud has a silver lining,
Every rainbow has its pot of gold,
And every winter has its snow.

Good luck, Hanni. I hope you find your path and heal your hurt.

Nobody won the prize...

...Although Suzie was right in assuming that the date of 4th September was relevant.

Well, actually, 4th September in itself had no relevance at all :)

However it did mark our six month anniversary. Interesting way to spend the evening, huh? ;)

And I didn't even let her pick up a Chinese on the way home from Relate!

Tsk ;)

Although you know what? We still haven't actually got around to sending thank you cards to people who came to the wedding or gave us gifts.

My excuse (although, I suspect, it may be just that - after all, we really should have done it if only for common courtesy if nothing more) is that I don't like to think about it.

Right, Here We Go!

There's the first of our regular meetings done.

6:15 Monday evenings, for the record.

LOL, sorry, what a line. Just watching an episode of Coupling at the same time.
"I thought I'd gone to his house to, y'know, heal our spiritual divide. But it turned out I was just gagging for a shag!"

*cough* You'd have thought I could avoid completely irrelevant rambling in a post like this ;)

First time we'd met this lady. Had a 30min discussion with the three of us. Then my wife went and waited downstairs while just the two of us talked for 30mins.
I did in that time manage to admit that not only did I perhaps some worries other than just the sex now (although I didn't really say anymore than that - be fair, was only 30mins! That's a lot to come out with in so short a time!), and that I had a secret blog that my wife doesn't know about.

Next week it'll probably just be me again for an hour, and my wife won't even go.

The next two weeks after that will then probably be my wife without me.

Phew! :)

I was in the shower this morning...

When it suddenly occurred to me that today is the 4th September.

My Wife & I

Suddenly remembered this pic recently :) Well, nobody can say I haven't posted a pic of myself or my wife now ;)
Took it a couple of years ago at Fountain's Abbey in Yorkshire. This was taken on our old digital camera, hence the picture is a little grainy. But still :)

Update: following Dianne's comment... We did have some fairly mixed weather too, which did require an emergency duck under a tree ;)

Unanswerables

I got myself a bit caught up in trying to ask myself a bunch of questions recently that I couldn't actually answer.

As it happens, I think a lot of them probably don't matter. As Dianne has (roughly) said before, it's more about where to go than where you came from. Well, it was something along those lines anyway :)

I think I'm not actually in a position to ask myself questions at the moment, and that's one of the problems.

I think I just need to keep myself chilled for a few days and see how things go at Relate. Although I am still a little worried at the moment as to whether a Psycho-Sexual Therapist (who we will be seeing) or Relationship Counselling would be most appropriate.
I only conciously thought about the one thing/problem for a long time (pff, typical man ;), but I'm not so sure at the moment. Anyway. That could just be because I'm down for the usual reasons.

Well, it took a little while...

...But we just heard back from Relate.

Got a meeting just after work on Monday evening.

That's... Relieving and nervous ;)

Gosh

Further to my last post...

My boss just mentioned "I was somewhat restrained in the company meeting earlier on with regards to what I said about bonuses. Yours is somewhat more than 10% more of your monthly salary. In fact, it's somewhat more than 100% of your monthly salary."

Wow. ;)

The milky bars drinks are on me! ;)

Yesterday

Strangely enough, had I not run out of time, I was planning yesterday on writing one post called "Yesterday" and another called "Today". Now I might end up with "Yesterday" and "The day before" :)

So, here was the summary (ok, I expected it to be a summary, it's now more like a "Day in the life of...") of yesterday:

• Got up around 10:30, having been to bed far too late the night before
  
• Stopped buggering about on the computer by about 12
  
• Walked in to town (my wife had the car as she was at work) It's not too far into town (about 1.5 miles I think), but it's odd to walk instead of drive :)
  

Right, time to save this as a draft and continue later... Just got told asked to show something off in a company meeting... Which starts in 3.5 minutes time ;) Only need a couple of words, but best think work out vaguely what ;)

...Time passes...

Cool, we're all getting bonuses of "no less than 10% of your monthly salary" this month. lol, maybe I'll go spend some money now, hardly spent any recently ;) *cough*

I shall continue...

• Got hair cut
  
• Began my crazed high-speed wander around town. I really have to concentrate when if I ever want to "amble" around, and the more I relax the faster I tend to walk. This also has the unfortunate effect of meaning that because I zip around so quickly, I tend to remember things on one side of town I want on the other, so end up zipping from side-to-side ;)
  
• Saw nothing of interest in neither Woolies nor Smiths. Forgot to go into Dixons somehow. Some of the TVs in the Sony Centre looked poorly setup.
  
• Glanced at what places had the K800i in stock, to look forwards to when it arrives (theoretically today, but according to the order tracking page it suggested there may have been a problem), and to be pleased when it wasn't around as that clearly shows how new and exciting it is ;)
  
• Was amused to see that the full size Master Chief from Halo was still in one of the games shops. Halo was one of the games I played over the weekend with my sister on her new computer. Was good for a laugh when trying to get my sister, Mum and Dad into a jeep together to come and attack me ;) My mum is terrible with that sort of thing ;)
  
• Spotted the top (below) (didn't think about that being "top below" until much later - no pun was intended - for a change ;) in Burton for only £7! Was so pleased at seeing something I liked for under a tenner than I decided to look at the work shirts too. Failed to spot the price (could only see the "Buy two, get £5 off" sign - which suggested they were reasonably expensive), so thought I'd pick them up then find out how much they were. £18 each (so £15.50 after £5 off for two) - much more than I would spend on a shirt recently, but then I've not really been happy with the last few shirts I've bought, whilst I still quite often wear some I bought from Burton yeears ago when I started work - probably before I had fully developed my "How much!?" habit ;) Most of my work shirts are a single solid colour, but I've fancied a bit of a change recently for a more white-based affair. I don't wear a tie on a day-to-day basis either, but having a few more just to increase that agony of choice when I do wear one can only be... well, a pain in the arse probably ;)
  
• Thought about getting some food. I've developed a little keenness for Subways recently, but decided I wasn't in the mood to properly appreciate such a crafted baguette ;) Burger King was just next door, and I decided I'd go for their Sweet Chilli Chicken Baguette. Was pretty hungry by then (having not eaten that day, and not had a proper meal in over 24 hours), but decided to wait until I'd finished my purchases before buying food after all - would be nice to chill at home with some nice food :)
  
• Remembered most of my socks are juuust starting to develop holes, so bought 14 new pairs from M&S. How practical ;) Actually, that's the first time I've ever bought some socks! 26 years old and I only just bought some socks ;) I mean my mum tended to buy 'em when I was at home, and my wife bought a bunch for me for Christmas several years ago (hey, I wanted some ;), so I've never needed to buy any before.
  
• Decided I'd go to Thorntons and buy some choccies for m' wife. I had a bit of a go (relatively) at her Monday night for having had takeout each night I'd been away... And then standing on the scales and looking unhappy that she'd gone up. I know it's pretty much an addiction, but it's just something I can't understand. I wish she'd either eat and not be bothered about her weight, or eat less and be happy. She was so so pleased earlier in the year when she was at her lightest since I've known her, and she looked better and felt so much better about herself. In near enough six months, she's practically back where she started, and I just don't understand that. I've said before, and still believe, that "sexy is a state of mind"... I just can't get her back into that state of mind. Anyway. As food makes her (temporarily, short-term) happier, I thought she'd like some chocs, and to try to say that if she does want to eat, then fair enough. Besides, it's not like you actually get many in those boxes ;)
  
• Went back to Burger King and got my baguette and Oasis (didn't fancy anything fizzy, given I felt pretty hungry)
  
• Figured I'd catch either a bus or a taxi (I couldn't be bothered to wait for a bus - normally if I wait for a bus I tend to end up walking along the stops until I see one) back home, but unfortunately, was completely unfamiliar with the new layout of things... Forgot to stop at the new bus station and didn't see where the taxis are now. So ended up walking all the way back home again, and because I was so desperate to get home, ended up walking even faster than my normal pace.
  
• Was absolutely knackered by the time I got home and ended up going for a shower. Somehow managed to be less than like 20mins! (Probably because I couldn't have stood up much longer than that ;)
  
• Was about 4:50 by the time I'd done in the shower and flopped back downstairs.
  
• My wife got home and we chatted about her day for a bit.
  
• Eventually got around to microwaving my (now cold, of course) baguette and having it for breakfast/lunch/tea at around 6ish.
  

PHEW! :)

Oh, and that excludes the Messenger conversations with my boss about taking something live before 9am this morning, so I got it done last night. Although that sort of thing probably helps account for the bonus ;)
Oh, and I tried to have a little nap at around 7pm for 30mins (I'm so hip ;) Felt fairly tired, but it turned out not really sleepy.

Ummm... and I think that's about it. Sorry, I hadn't really been meaning to go into QUITE so much detail, but it just sort of... slipped out ;)

I need a holiday

Phew. Today turned out to be quite busy! Wanted to post more about it, and some bits about Monday night, but I ran out of time, and I'm too tired now ;)

Suz, Jen, I'm sorry... I spent too much time on the wrong side of the window ;)

Included a pic of all my purchases for the day... Except the haircut ;)

Home again, home again

Well, I'm back home again :)

AND I got the day off tomorrow :)

It doesn't feel that long since I last got my hair cut, but it feels too long (length-wise, not time-wise), so I'll probably go get it cut again. Hmm, will probably spend HOURS wandering around town and not get anything else. That's my usual affair with town :)

De-Stressing

I suppose that's what I'm doing at any rate :)

Spent £300 on new computer bits the other day (they arrived yesterday :) (CPU, 2gig RAM)

Ordered a new Sony Ericsson K800i last night :) (£35/month, half price for 11 months, 12 month contract)

Spent aaages dithering about both :) Pretty excited about the phone though, I've never really gone for a whizzy one before, and I've been wanting one with a camera for a while, and it's supposedly got a really good camera (for a phone) in it :) (My current phone is a Nokia 3220, which is ok, but a little boring)

Anyway, I'm at my parents at the moment. Got my sister's new PC built today, got Windows & Office installed, and now comes the unenviable task of getting all those other bits and bobs she wants sorted ;)

I came over here on my own. Since I moved out, I only remember having come over here alone once before, and I don't actually remember when/why that was, but I don't think it was especially significant.
This time though, I suggested a couple of days ago I might go on my own. I thought it might make for a small break. I thought perhaps it'd give her a bit of space to think about things.
Following on from previous conversations, she seemed to have started the week on a fairly positive note, but by the end she'd already been seeming to have lost a bit of that energy. Regardless, it's difficult sometimes to go to bed with the person you love night after night and (at the start of the week) to get a little attention but not quite enough, or (at the other end of the week), to get nothing at all.
So I thought a break for a couple of days might be nice. She was a bit hurt that I wanted her not to come.
I relatively often don't go to her parents (nothing against her parents, I quite like both of them - even if her Dad's a bigger pessimist than she is ;), but I tend to quite like having a bit of space for a weekend and milling about whenever you want and putting a film on or something whenever I want :)
So, anyway, I'll give her a ring in a little while and find out how she's spent her day (She always calls me each night before bed when she goes to her parents).

Sorry, I seem to have got a bit rambly in all of that :) I thought I only had like three things to say (bought two things, at parents without her), but look how much space I managed to use in saying it ;)

Well bugger me sideways

I never realised (or remembered, or clicked, or thought about it - one of those) that these:


Were the same as these:


I had a conversation where I mentioned "dandelions (those white fluffy things)" shortly followed by "dandelions (those yellow things)"... Shortly followed by "hang on, which one's which, then?" and it was subsequently pointed out to me what a plonker I was being ;)

I probably had heard that before, it's just that it clearly hadn't sunk in ;)


Note: No, I didn't take these pictures. I "borrowed" them from here and here.

What's brown and sticky?

A stick!

Which is what I thought of when thinking about some of the comments to my last (significant) post. A healthy green stick can take a lot of bending before it breaks. And if things ever did get that bad, I suspect you'd have been bent enough to prepare for the *snap*

But, as everyone has said, communication is key. Key to straightening out and repairing that stick before it bends a bend too far.

The reason I made that post was that I got speaking (online) to a girl (whom I hadn't before a few days ago) who, after having lived a "normal life" (i.e. standard Western culture-sort-of-affair) for the last year, was returning to a life of seclusion, complete with an arranged marriage to a man she does not know.
Terrible choice to have to make - I imagine it was posed as a choice between which life to leave behind. I wonder whether the choices were equally difficult, or whether one seemed easier to just drift along with the choices made by others? I wonder whether she knew which one she wanted, and whether she chose it or not?
I think I can guess some of the answers to those questions.

Anyway, I could kind of see someone in that situation ending up in the place I described below, especially one forced to play the "obedient wife" role (hah, I'm not forced, I play that role by choice ;).
I remember having read somewhere before some sort of "Guidelines for a Married Woman". I can't remember whether it was actually a joke, or a serious set of "instructions" from the 50s or something. It was probably the former posing as the latter. Couldn't find them on Google though (gasp! My search was defeated!)

I hope she finds happiness though.

Anyway, several of my recent posts have had a number of interesting comments added that my regular audience (ooh, I have a regular audience! That sounds so cool ;) Thank you, people! :) ) may have missed. Partly because Snow/Hanni had been on holiday and then let go with her opinions when she read my thoughts ;), partly because I then answered some, and some from Iona, the girl who's gone to get married.

Back to Random - Wow, imagine never having been to a supermarket until the age of 19.

Buses - "Caustic" Hanni :) and a long(ish) comment back from me.

Balance - Iona made me think of those "Guidelines" I mentioned.

Zat's all for now. (I don't know why the silly "voice" :)

Bit Knackered

Long day today. Only got home from work a short while ago.

Just wanted to thank people for their comments to my previous post. I'll write something back at some point, including explanation of why I wrote it.

Right now though, I'm too tired and sleepy :)

Burried Fear

I am not really... Ready... to write this post. It is the "if the worst came to the worst" worry at the back of my mind. I do not feel this situation has arrived. With luck, it never will. However I have a slight worry that it could one day sooner or later turn into a big worry. That is not to say that I think it will. Got that? I am sure that if such situation does arrive, I will be posting all about it here. And I can easily imagine the responses at that time.

So, with that disclaimer in mind, I implore you, be fair with your comments today ;)

I am writing this to try to explain to someone else the absolute truth and absolute fear at the bottom of my situation. People should be prepared as best they can be for what may await them.

---

Months ago, I knew what the problem was.

We weren't having enough sex.

The thing that worries me now is whether that is the real problem or not. It was an easy thing to blame.

As some people have noticed, I care about all sorts of things. I care about people who can't reach something at the back of the shelves in the supermarket when I have to stretch to reach something, and I bring several "spares" to the front of the shelf for other people.
I care about sad stories on the other side of the world. I care about my job, my company, and the people I work with. I even cared about the trainee we fired (not in THAT way!). I care about offending the feelings of people I do not know.

But the more I know someone, the more I care about them.

I do love my wife, and I believe she loves me absolutely.

I hate to cause her even a little bit of hurt, which is why I struggle to be honest with her about some issues, even when I need to be.

How could I ever even contemplate causing her the pain of taking away the thing she loves most dearly, regardless of how I feel myself? How could anyone do that to someone?

Back to Random

I went food shopping last night. I quite like food shopping :)

For some reason it always feels like it calms me down. I do like to walk up and down pretty much every single isle though, even if I don't think there's anything I want down it. I mean it's nice to just walk a little further, and to make SURE there's nothing I want down it :) Well, or if there is but I thought there wasn't, the chances are I forgot to notice it anyway, but that's not the point ;)

Last week the supermarket was a little low on some of the old luxury items - such as, y'know, bread - so I ended up spending at least five minutes wondering what bread I wanted to pick up as all of the usual suspects were unavailable.
So I eventually chose "Warburtons Crusty" (White). Quite soft and fluffy and bready :) Was quite nice :)

So, yesterday when I saw (yet again) that the usual ones weren't available, I leapt straight in for the Warburtons Crusty again.
Now, it's been sitting next to me all morning as I've been working, with that lovely bready smell drifting up, tantalising and tempting me all morning :)

Well, lunchtime finally came, and I could rush off and make my sandwich :)

So I've got me nice fluffy white bread (and very nice and properly bready it is too :), with me Cathedral City Mature Cheddar, just a little pickle (Branston's, small chunks - squeezy, because it's more convenient for work) , and, I must confess, some ham.
The reason I feel the need to confess about the ham is that I only bought it last night with the bread - and (prepare yourselves for a sharp intake of breath in sheer astonishment) I only just opened a fresh packet of Pork slices of some sort yesterday lunchtime. Oh deary deary me, how naughty is that? ;)
But with that bread intoxicating my sense of smell all morning, I just felt much more in the mood for a cheese/pickle/ham sandwich than the pork stuff :)

Well, if it gets to the end of the week and both have gone off, I'll only have myself to blame ;)

Buses

It may be a cliché, but after not much for a few days, I really do appear to be plopping them out at full force now.

I guess it's all stuff that was on my mind anyway, and as soon as you start writing one, you think of all the others you could write.

Unfortunately, although it sometimes gets things out of my head, it rarely gets them off of my chest.

Over these last few weeks, even when stuff isn't conciously at the forefront of my mind, I feel very distracted at work. I feel quite guilty about it. I'm very aware of the fact that I am much less productive than normal.

It used to be the case that I could bounce my personal life off of my work life. I enjoy my job, so I could come to work and relax. When work got busy, I could go home and relax. Recently though, I am (as usual) on the "critical path" on a number of urgent projects. I know how important they are, and I know how much I need to concentrate on them.
And yet I find myself distracted. Distracted by conversations with co-workers, by what's going on outside, wondering whether anyone's left comments to my blog, wondering whether other blogs I read have been updated, by the link on a webpage unrelated to what I should be reading, by the empty space in the middle of the room... Pretty much everything really.
And it's really irritating me. Occasionally I have a few hours where I manage to sort myself out and concentrate, and in those few hours I feel like I've achieved what was taking me several days without that focus. Which only goes to serve as a reminder to me of just how little I'm doing the rest of the time!

I'm not a stressed person by nature, but I now find myself thinking (and worrying) about work at home, and home at work. Whilst all the time, making roughly zero progress on either.

I almost feel like a holiday away from EVERYTHING, which is not a thought I have ever really had before. Which bothers me a bit. And besides, even if I did, I know everything would still be there and just the same when I came back to it.
I know that years ago, when my wife used to work at her old job (which she didn't like), she said she used to think about running from everything (especially whenever she heard Placebo's Slave to the Wage) for a bit. I never understood that.

Or perhaps I simply need to cover my desk with a few more of these.

Balance

In the past, I've felt that if at least the physical stuff were sorted, then I could cope with all the emotional stuff a bit better.

I could keep on picking myself up and putting her problems before my own, content with the knowledge that I am important to her, even if she's not the best at expressing it.

Like a set of scales. If either aspect weren't perfect, you could take the good stuff from one side, and use that to "refuel" yourself to have enough energy to put into the other side.
I hear other blokes I know complain about not "getting enough", shall we say, but I know they're happy. I have presumed that for them, they get enough on the emotional side to keep them happy on the physical side.

I know we're near (I hope) the bottom of a curve on a chart, before hopefully everything starts to head back up again, but I've just started to worry sometimes that there's more wrong than I may care to admit.

What's Bothering Me

"How important am I to you?" I asked my wife yesterday.

I already knew the answer, but I had to ask the question.

She looked lost for a second - I had asked this little number out of the blue.

She sat down next to me.

"You're very important to me," she said.

You see, as I told her, whilst I knew what the answer was, the reason I had to ask it is that she doesn't make me FEEL it.
Whether it's food issues, work, or her latest personal "project", there so often feels like there's something else that's more important than me.

She'd been trying to be a little closer and taking more opportunities to be a little kissy and cuddly back over the last week, but over the last day or two, I'd already seen that enthusiasm begin to wane.
And I suddenly realised what it felt like. In some ways, getting just a little bit of attention is worse than none - it reminds you how much you want.
And I've been there, we've been there, so, so many times before over the years. I'm tired of living only in hope, and need more.

Since that conversation yesterday, she's done a quite remarkable (for her ;) job of putting a happy face on and trying to seem happy.

But...

The problem is I'm still worried. Worried that everything has gone on too long, and it won't feel right again.

And...

I'm trying to write this without thinking, but it's still difficult. Hey, I suppose that's a good sign?

And...

I'm worried that there's always been that nagging doubt. The one that lurks at the back of your mind and says "Yes, I do love this woman... But is this what I dreamed of all those years ago? Should it feel more 'right' than this?"

But...

The thing is... The thing is... I know she doesn't have that doubt.

A Journey of Mixed Feelings

...But then, aren't they all? :)

Just upgraded to the new Blogger beta. Oh no! It doesn't have the ability to edit the HTML template at the moment. How long will I have to live without my stats!? :)

Ok, perhaps I am a little too nosey ;)

I started writing something about where I am (well, what's worrying me) on other issues earlier. But I didn't finish it. So there. ;)

Thinking

I keep thinking recently. About everything. I haven't really worked out what it is I'm thinking some of the time, and other times I just plain don't really want to write about it. Writing about some of it feels like it could make it more real, or potentially turn a tiny non-thought into a whopper.

But I did read something recently that really did sink through the surface layers of thought and hit me at a slightly deeper level. I'd been reading a thread in some forum about forgiveness. Not in regards to me or my situation, but in regards to someone else's.
As I think I have said before, I'm not particulary religious (I suppose the best way to put it is that I am not "God-fearing") (overall, I probably think of myself as averagely apathetic, although that is probably a bit of an exaggeration), and yet I found myself reading this thread about forgiveness in a Christian forum. I'd all but stopped reading it, when I just happened to hop back and look at it one last time.

Here is an excerpt of what someone had written:

It starts with a thought. No big deal there. It is not rooted in our emotions yet. Easy to deal with at the thought stage. Easy to put away. But a thought dwelt on turns into an imagination. Now here is where the emotions get involved. An imagination is a thought empowered by emotion. Now it is harder, because now you cannot have that thought without it stirring emotion. This is harder to deal with. And the more we dwell on it, it turns into a stronghold. Now it has a deep emotional root, and takes the weaponry of God to deal with.

Well, I'm not sure about the "weaponry of God" part, but I understood what he was saying, and it certainly made me think, and I thought I'd share it.
(Even although I think it's pretty unlikely the author will read it here, I hope he won't mind that I have quoted it - I suppose that really I should ask his permission or let him know, but... Well, I suppose I'm slightly guilty about quoting something from a Christian forum in a sort of non-Christian sense)

Oh well, that's one more thing to chew over :)

Welcome Googlers

I notice from my stats that people have sometimes bumped into my blog while searching for stuff on Google.

So, in an effort to make your lives easier:

1. The wonderful Hovis wheat field advert:
   
   
   
   • Can be viewed on the Hovis website.
     
   • To the person who seemed to spend hours looking for the music to this advert, you may find the UK Television Advert Break Music Database of help.
     
   
   
2. The Radio 1 "Anteater" spoof of Nelly Furtado's "Man Eater".
   
   
   
   • You can find the Anteater lyrics here on ChrisMoyles.net
     
   • You can download the Anteater song here from ChrisMoyles.net
     

That's all for now :)

One for the Ladies

I have three... no, wait, four pairs of shoes (That's including the pair of sandals I bought while on honeymoon).

Noticed this story as I looked up some info on the planes again, and I thought some of those girl things who read my blog would have been interested ;)

Oh, that's... A pair of work shoes, a pair of trainers, walking boots (don't think I've worn them this year), and the sandals I mentioned :)

Right! Must.. get.. concentration back again...

No News is Good News

Hadn't posted anything, because I didn't really have anything to say :) Been feeling a bit more on top of things (if not people ;) again though :)

I've been very easily distracted at work recently, but I think I'm getting my concentration back there, too. Uhh, ok, I should be working now, but that's not my fault, that's the fault of people moaning about a lack of updates. I choose to ignore the fact that if I wasn't distracted, I wouldn't have known they were moaning about a lack of updates ;)

Speaking of holiday though, I knew three people who were due to be flying today! Two back from Germany (business) and one to Canada on holiday with his wife and six year old. Hah! He thought keeping her amused on an eight hour flight was going to be tough yesterday! Bet he's in high spirits today ;) Still, I suppose we shouldn't forget how lucky we are when we still have something to complain about.

I've still been thinking a bit about whether I should talk to someone, in a "professional" sense. Obviously, I have some great excuses why not to ;) (When/where, and feeling a bit better again recently anyway) Ok, lame excuses then, but tough luck ;) Anyway, I'm not denying I don't necessarily have some issues, nor am I saying that I think they'll go away on their own. So quit complainin' ;)

Wow, it's pissing it down outside :) Wait, no, easing off already. I don't think I'll go for a walk at lunch though ;)

In a continued bout of hypocrisy though ( :-P ), I did suggest to my wife that perhaps she should go talk to her doctor about stuff and see what he had to say. She has talked to her doc about specific issues before (e.g. food, migraines, lack of energy), but I suggested she try talking about them all as a package. I did, of course, offer to go with her (partly for myself, as an anti-excuse to my reasons earlier), but she said it would feel like when you're little and go with your mum or something :)

Actually, I hadn't thought about that recently. When she went before (hmm about two years ago I guess) about a lack of energy (and, or specifically, libido), they said she had an uhh under-(I think)-active thyroid, and that this would cause a lack of energy, low metabolism, putting on weight would be easy, taking it off would be hard, responsible for world war, lack of rain in deserts, etc. etc. And so they put her on thyroxin (what the thyroid produces) and said that everything would be wonderful, that she'd have more energy, magically lose weight, that war will end and that the deserts will bloom! Or something like that. Only... It didn't actually appear to make a blind bit of difference.

I'm pretty sure I've mentioned to her before that she should talk to them about that, although I don't remember her telling me anything they said other than her throxin levels appear to be ok now.
Actually, I remember mentioning with the 2nd Relate counsellor we saw, after the Relate lady asked whether she was on any sort of medication and my wife said no. I mentioned it because it always stuck in my mind that it was supposed to be this like magic cure-all wonder which she got all excited about for a bit, and then nothing happened.

Hrmm, looks like I had more to write about than I realised! Although I hadn't actually thought about most of that until I started writing.

Anyway, I think I have to go spank myself for not having done any work in the last hour now ;)

PS. Oh, and it's stopped raining and the sun's come out again. Well, it had when I wrote that, but then I got distracted and it's gone again :) Thought it was pretty cool driving home yesterday - really cloudy and overcast, but with some bits illuminated by sunshine :) Always makes me think when it looks cloudy in the sky but things are lit up by sunshine :)
PPS. Nope, now it's raining again :) ... No, no... stopped again actually :) Good old British weather ;)

Kryten Said It Best

"Oh, I can't get the hang of these human emotions. One moment I'm happy, the next I'm miserable. What's wrong with me? I'm up and down more often than a pair of kangeroos in the mating season."

Just suddenly came across all nervey and jumpy a little while ago, for no big reason.

This is all way weird.

I'm not sure where it came from

...But since I got home, I feel like I've found a little energy.

Odd, one of the first things I did when I got home was take the batteries out the recharger and put them in the radio, so she can listen to music again in the morning while she washes her hair. Perhaps some of it rubbed off?

She is giving blood at the moment, but should be home soon. Something that I, incidentally, have never done. I actually considered going with her on the spur of the moment tonight, just to do something together, but decided it probably wasn't a good idea (Didn't eat well again today+Didn't want to risk losing the little energy I had - 'though as I said, it seems to be building up from somewhere).

Tempted to cook some tea for us both, but I'm 1. Not sure what to go for, and 2. it's often times like this she'll want to bring food home with her. (Although she has been good recently - on her way to/from her parents, she stopped at a few garages without picking up any food - that's good for her :)

Think I want to put on a film or some TV that's light and fluffy tonight for us to watch together. A few episodes of Coupling would be good (ok, the subject may be iffy, but it is very funny), although I don't actually have any. Still, t'Internet is a handy thing if you know where to look... Two hours ETA it says atm on the first two episodes ;)

Right, I'm off to work out how else I can best "invest" this energy until she gets home!

The Cliff

I thought that this weekend I had managed to calm myself down a lot. Managed to chill out, relax, de-stress a bit. But my thoughts sure are running in circles right now. Of course, it seems to be a lot hotter again today, and I always find it even more difficult to sleep/stop thinking in the heat.

I think it feels like this...

I am standing on the edge of a cliff.

For a long time, I have been slowly leaning further and further over the cliff, a tiny fraction of a degree at a time.

No matter how far you lean, you're still only leaning. You can get pulled back again.

Then, for the briefest of moments that can feel like eternity, you're perfectly balanced. Neither leaning nor falling.

And then, all of a sudden you're not leaning anymore. The wind is rushing past, and where before everything happened oh so slowly, everything is happening in mere seconds, yet each second occurs in slow motion.

Everything's changed oh so very quickly, and I don't know what's at the bottom of the cliff.

Ironically, our conversation Thursday night has given her some things to think about, and I believe she is making more of an effort.
While we were hugging earlier, she said she didn't want to let me go.

I said there was going to be a lot of work for us both.

She loves me so, so much.

I'm scared.

I remember reading (I think on Relate's website) that because most couples see therapy as a last resort, they can leave it almost too late, when everything becomes harder to fix.

In the initial meeting we had with Relate, they said there were two types of counselling that could be applicable to us; relationship counselling and psycho-sexual therapy.
We're on the waiting list for a psycho-sexual therapist. I'm not sure it's the right one anymore.

Recently, a day or two ago, someone suggested to me that if our regular PST appointment still didn't become available this week, that I should go talk to someone myself. At the time, it did seem an almost silly idea. Now I'm not so sure.

I don't know whether this blog (all of it I mean, not just this post) has done me much good or harm. Hopefully at least right now, writing all of this will stop it running through my head over and over.


I don't want to hurt her.

Random Spillage

Thought I'd let a few random thoughts spill out of my brain and into my blog :)

1. The radio played "Ant Eater", a spoof of Nelly Furtado's "Man Eater" this morning, which was mildly amusing. Although it reminded me that when I was little(r), I used to think ant eaters were really cool.

2. For some reason, this reminded me that I also used to think Weeping Willows were really cool. For some reason, I used to say "Weeping Willow Weeping Willow Weeping Willow!" when I saw one. I honestly have no idea why :)

3. The next song on the radio was Feeder's "Buck Rogers". Hah! Never thought about the lyrics in THAT before!

4. Wow, am I tired. Not sure whether it is a good thing or a bad thing that I have this office to myself again today ;) The afternoon will probably be a struggle.

Oh well, onwards and upwards.

Hello Google:  Looking for info on the Anteater spoof of Man Eater?  Check here for info.

Phew

That's never easy, and it's getting harder.

I told her I was sad and hurt.

I've put a film on, she's gone to bed. Conversations like that are never easy, and both people tend to need a bit of "recovery" time.

Blue

Over the last few years, I've gone through a lot of phases. Many of them this year.

At around the start of the year, I had a lot of thoughts & emotions all running through my head. I felt anxious, concerned, hopeful, depressed, frustrated, horny, anger, fear and love. I guess bitter, too, however that is one I especially do not want. I don't want it to be the last one left.

By March, some were stronger and some were lesser, although by the end of the month, I had relaxed in all areas a little.

April-May was, I guess, much the same thing.

But some time in June-July, a lot of it just went walk-about, and I felt eerily calm at times. Even after making great big honest posts, I continued to feel much the same way ('though obviously somewhat emotional at time of writing).

Sometimes, I even felt good for no apparent reason.

Over the last week or so, the counterweight has kicked in its balance. Rather than the earlier mix of emotions, I've just felt kind of sad.
And worried, at the fact that I just felt kind of sad.

My wife's away to see her parents this weekend (It's nice to stay home and have some space), and I think I need to talk to her about a lot of this soon/tonight.

I guess I also feel guilty at how she feels vs. how I feel, which is probably why I haven't had one of those conversations already.

Ahh well, I'm feeling a bit better today, and now I've "confessed" all of that, hopefully I can properly concentrate on everything :)

PS. The biscuit issue is one I feel strongly on, and I will be coming back to respond to the comments I did get there ;)

Dunkin' Biccies

I confess, I'm a biscuit dunker :)

Especially with that ~10:30am cup of tea. I've just woken up enough by then to appreciate a little food (well, breakfast ;), and to properly enjoy it with me cup of tea :)
Rather than proper biscuits, I tend to actually favour small chocolate bars. Fox's Rockys (the original/chocolate ones, not the caramel ones) are a good choice, as are Fox's Triples. They both have a good balance of biscuit and chocolate :)

Then you need to get the timing and temperature right. I tend to start my dunking when my tea's either too hot to drink, or just about right for me to start drinking.
But leave it in there for too long, and all of a sudden you lose the whole thing! ;) I try to aim for a crunchy biscuit with good amount of melted chocolate ;) And preferably without having lost half the chocolate into me mug :)

Fox's Echos (especially the minty ones) are nice too, as are Twixs and Clubs, but they're not so good for dunking in your tea. Wagon Wheels are a stuggle, unless you have a large mug ;)

Speaking of Wagon Wheels, I was reminded to start this post just now after I had a doughnut.

"What!?" I hear you say, "Speaking of Wagon Wheels you just had a doughnut? What are you dribbling about man, where's the connection!?"

Well, this morning (at around the time of the 10:30 tea round ;), I thought about the dunking part of this post, but I restrained myself from jumping on and writing it (Some nonsense about "I really should be doing some work"). Well, I just had a doughnut, and I found myself thinking as I ate it, I wonder how most people eat their doughnuts and similar food.
See, the connection between doughnuts and (jammy) Wagon Wheels is... The jam!

See, with doughnuts and Wagon Wheels and Jaffa Cakes, I always find myself nibbling around the outside and then having the jammy (or orangey, in the case of Jaffa Cakes) bit last. And 'lo, for I found myself wondering, is this common practice? (..practise..practice..I think it's the one with the "c") I surely am not alone in my jam-avoidance eating, but what is the popular opinion?
And this time the urge to get this information out of my system was too strong ;)

So, to borrow a phrase from Cadbury's, "How do you eat yours?"

Biorhythms

I first heard of biorhythms many years ago. I think it was on a floppy disk filled with 101 random utilities, and one of them was a biorhythm calculator.
The theory behind biorhythms is that from when you are born, there are three cycles "bouncing" up and down (or cycling, if you prefer ;) over and over again.

The theory goes that there are three cycles, for "Physical", "Emotional", and "Intellectual", and they all flow up and down independently of one-another. This means that sometimes they might all be up at the top of their cycles together, down at the bottom together, or scattered all over the shop.

Here's my chart for today:

(Generated here)

I don't really believe that there could be such completely consistent cycles from the day you're born right the way through your life (after all, I gather even the most well known of human monthly cycles can shift around a bit - and I hear "synchronise" with others - scary thought ;)

But sometimes I do wonder if there could be something along those lines.

Or perhaps it's just which side you get out of bed ;)

Hah! I remember hearing my driving instructor believed in them. I looked mine up on the day I took a driving test (I forget whether it was the 2nd or 3rd/final), and mine were pretty much all scheduled to be rock-bottom on the day.

See also: "20th Century DJs used to suffer with it all the time..."

Something I Was Thinking...

The Sun


It brings life...


And it takes it away


Just something I thought about recently while having a wander, so took the camera with me the next day. It's quite hard to get a picture of the sun! But I thought the lens flare was quite cool ;)

Rollercoaster

I sometimes feel rejected.

This is probably obvious.

I think I said some months ago, that you miss some of the simple things. Like hardly ever kissing for more than a quick peck. I think she's said in the past that she often doesn't want to go giving a niice kiss in case I get over-excited and subsequently let down.

I miss feeling wanted.

Even when we do do stuff occasionally, it often starts with reluctance on her part, before she changes her mind. So sometimes even when we do do stuff, I don't quite get into it emotionally. Pff, listen to me. I sound like a woman ;)

Of course, this is why we need to get things sorted out, and where Relate can hopefully help.

I haven't thought about it much recently, but sometimes I do feel slightly worried about actually getting things solved and/or going to Relate! What if we can't get things sorted out? Or, what if we get things technically sorted out, but I'm still sad? Of course, these questions cannot really be answered.

She does fancy me in theory (she likes my bum :-P and my tummy), but she just never thinks about it in the right way.

I have always said that sexy is a state of mind. Sexy is about not just about how you look or what you wear, but about how you wear it and how you move. Sometimes, you see tiny girls with big breasts and skimpy clothing, who actually manage to somehow not be very sexy. You see this sometimes in music videos. Even when they're supposedly dancing seductively, you can see they almost look like they're trying to remember exactly what dance move to do next, and the look of concentration on their face as they desperately try to languidly stroke their thighs.

Once-upon-a-time, my wife felt sexy. She was good at it too.

But in general, she has a poor self-image of herself. She doesn't feel horny because she is too busy thinking about how she feels like a big fat blob.

I have tried so, so hard over all the years to help her to shake this image she has of herself, but I think unfortunately I cannot help her with this. She can only help herself.

Over the years I have known her, the occasions on which she feels anything more than (very) "short term horny", are the times when people (men) show an interest in her.
This allows her to put aside her own beliefs and to see herself in someone else's eyes, someone who fancies her. This is true in both the real and the virtual world. Even simple flirting with someone can be enough to restore her self-opinion enough for her to start feeling sexy again.
Unfortunately, after she was used to me for more than a few months, the fact that I felt she was gorgeous and sexy wasn't enough anymore. I don't want to say she takes it for granted, but I guess it's along those lines. She knows that I believe it, but she will not/can not believe it herself.
She will oh so rarely genuinely accept any compliment I pay her. It's not even the stereotypical "womany" style of compliment rejection - i.e. it's not "you look nice in that dress" "do you mean I look bad in a different dress?" so much as "you look nice today" "hmph." "what?" "I had a bad lunch", etc.
Or sometimes if it's more of a "phwoar! you look pretty hot! nudge nudge wink wink" sort of compliment, I think she tends to just want to hide, for guilt of not wanting to nudge nudge wink wink.

Because I know how much of an issue some of this is, I'd be quite happy for her to engage in "harmless flirting" (e.g. chatting online to people on the other side of the world or something) sometimes, because I know by now that there's often not really anything that I can say/do to cheer her up myself (and that's often depressing all on its own). She doesn't actually do this though, although I'm not sure that that isn't just because she doesn't have somewhere to do it.
I don't understand why she's almost so unwilling to try to feel sexy at all. She's acknowledged before that doing things like, for example, reading sexy stories has worked, but she refuses to read any! I don't understand :(

Recently (i.e. about the last five months) she seems to have gone even more downhill and never really seems to even TRY anything. I'm not sure whether this is related to the marriage, or the hope that maybe Relate will sort things out (Except for that taking its time to get us a regular meeting), or something else.
I just wish she'd look like she at least tried to make an effort sometimes, or something! It's this recent "excessive lack of effort" that is I think starting to get to me. It was only a few months ago that I posted "Hope". I have no real short-term hope anymore of anything happening by surprise. Whilst I suspect my feelings would come back if she felt sexy again, she does not seem as sexy or as pretty to me as I used to find her.

I know she loves me. In fact, because of all this, she probably still feels more in love with me than I with her sometimes. She wanted three things. (1) Wedding, (2) Bigger house, (3) Children (not in the immediate/forseeable future, just in general). I've given her (1) (hah!), but I'm not moving an inch on the others until I'm happy and things are right.
I know she feels guilty about all the things that are wrong, too. She feels guilty about sex, and about her feelings towards herself, and she's trapped with them and doesn't know what to do any more than I do. But she seems to too often just want to almost wallow in that guilt rather than do anything constructive.

We got married in March, a bit over a year since I had proposed. For some weeks after the wedding, I felt angry, confused and depressed when I thought back to the wedding night. Remembering it now, I still do, but at least it "randomly" pops into mind less often.

Everyone knows what happens on the wedding night.

But wedding are hard work. You've got all those people to talk to, and things to say, and things to check, things to enjoy, hope all that organisation has paid off. I knew it was unlikely to be an "up all night" sort of job.
After the wedding, she changed out of her dress (and her special wedding underwear) into more "comfortable" attire. I then drove us 'round the M25 to the place I had organised for the first night. Just around the corner from the airport. Nice hotel.

I guess it was 8-9pm ish by the time we got there. After the long day, we were both fairly tired by then. I tried to not get my hopes too far elevated that too much might happen. By the time we'd gone downstairs and had a meal, I think it was around 10-10:30ish by the time we got back upstairs. I could see by then that she was really quite tired. I tried to prepare myself for the fact that actually, not only was not having sex looking like an option, but that not even doing anything was starting to look worryingly plausible.
At the same time as trying to prepare myself for the worst, I also tried to do my best to nurture what little flame I may have been able to provoke. I opened the (complementary) bottle of Champagne for us to have some of. She managed about half a glass ("I don't really like Champagne") before she was almost asleep on the sofa.

I continued trying to prepare myself for the worst. After all, it had been a long day, we were both tired, and we still had the next two weeks ahead of us.

I helped her through to the bedroom, where she got undressed and flopped into bed. She suggest I put out the "Do not disturb" sign so we weren't awoken excessively early. She looked like she was practically half-asleep already.

I left the bedroom, walked through the "lounge" bit (hey, first night, nice suite), and opened the door to our room.

All my attempted preparation fell apart at that moment.

There was clearly another couple in the room opposite us, and they clearly weren't too tired.
(why, I suspect they weren't even in the bedroom, if their suite was anything like ours)

I put the sign out on our door and closed it. I couldn't hear them from both sets of doors. I felt lost for a moment. I put my ear to the door and could hear them again.

I walked away, back to our bedroom.

I tried to swallow all my negative thoughts, leaving only the positive ones and hope. I may even have joked about the other couple.

I got into bed. She was still practically (but not actually) asleep.

I tried. I tried to cuddle up close and kiss her and stroke her... but it did not work. I gave up, eventually.

And so I laid there. Tired and sad.

After a couple of minutes, she sleepily said, "did you want to do stuff?"

I don't remember my tone of voice, but I probably said "No. It's ok. You get to sleep." It was probably too late by then anyway. Too many feelings already swirling around.

I think I fell asleep surprisingly quickly, given the circumstances. I was tired. It had been a long day.

I had a wife to wake up next to.

Bread

Has anyone else seen that Hovis advert that's about at the moment?

I saw it for the first time earlier.

It starts with a couple of children (a boy and a girl) playing about in a wheat field, doing cartwheels and that sort of thing.

Then you realise that the children have been replaced by an adult couple, who are also laughing about and playing in the wheat.

Then you see the family of four leaving the field together.

This advert made me feel sad :(

I think I try to (sub-conciously?) not think about everything now.

Hello Google:  Are you looking for info on this Hovis advert?  Check here for info.

Bugger Me, is it Raining Outside!

Well, I hope that clears the air a bit.

Still feels hot though.

Blogs What I Read

A'ight then, here's a list of the blogs I reguarly read, sometimes read, and might read.

I can finally close all the windows I keep open and reference them from here instead! ;)

Definite Daily Reads
These are the blogs that I regularly check several times a day more than a healthy person should. ;)
In alphabetic order:

• AnnieSeed's Anything But Me: Following on from the last post I made, pretty much self-explanatory. On the down-side, she did remind me of this after she mentioned Kuala Lumpur at some point. Regardless of anything else, I like her, even if (or because? :) she can be a little... random.
  
• Snow the Flakey Drifter: Remarkable story behind this young lady. I like the fact that she speaks her mind. Currently seems to have a bit of a Keane obsession :) (I'll come back to that) I'd hate to get on the wrong side of this girl :) (Not that I can say there's any woman I'd want to see the wrong side of! Hell hath no fury, and all that)
  
• The Misadventures of Suzie: Clearly more cultured than I - uses words like "misadventures", and likes coffee and cakes. But I bet she goes crazy out on the town :) Possibly irritates her friends by taking a lot of photos, although some of them are great :) Easy & pleasant (better finish this sentence or I'd be in trouble!) to chat to :)
  

Strangely enough, I was hesitant about writing those two last descriptions for exactly the same & opposite reasons!

With Snow's I didn't want to imply I was only interested because of her background. With Suzie's, when thinking about what to write, I almost wrote something like "nice to talk about nothing", when I realised that was likely a little harsh! :)
Well, maybe I don't have the right words, but the fact is, they're my favourite reads. So there. :)

Probably Daily Reads

• Recent addition: northern monkey's Cut my life into pieces....: Well, it's nice to get different view points on life, and as someone who refers to World of Warcraft as "that goblin game", I'm sure I'll continue to find some here :) Oh, and I mentioned Snow's love of Keane earlier. I did grin to myself when I read this post ;)
  
• Quizz Coach's The making of a Crazy person: Again, it's nice to see a different view on things, although I must confess to not having read the archive here.
  

Blogs I Might Start Reading If Anything Happens

• Things NEVER happen by YOUR reasons...: Picked this one up randomly one day. She seems to have written loads of stuff to her blog but hardly had any comments for some reason. Seemed interesting enough to keep half an eye on, anyway. I guess everyone has a different view point on things :)
  
• In perpetual state of confusion: Seems like it was going to have been a girl's fear of an arranged marriage (something I know nothing about), although I appear to have scared her into silence! :)
  

Yes, it is really a coincidence that all of these blogs are by women :-P I think there have only been two from blokes that I have considered starting to read. One was about a guy who seemed to be infatuated by a girl, who seemed like she wasn't all that interested in him. When I found it, his most recent post was written in Chinese or something rather than the rest in English. I waited a while, but the next couple went in Chinese too, so I gave up.
I haven't really read anything in the other one yet, let alone left any comments.

I'm haven't gone looking for any random blogs for some time now. I have enough to look at now! :)

So, there you go! :) Oh! I almost forgot the last category!

Blogs I Would Read If They Actually Existed

• The ever enigmatic Dianne's :)
  

Praying for Annie

Oh I do so hope that everything works out for Annie.

If I could wave a magic wand and repair all of someone's problems, I think I would easily choose hers over mine.

Life... is about life. Women are designed to bring about new life. For a mother to be unable to have a child for any reason, I find it heart-breaking.

My thoughts are with her & her husband.

Bollocks to Complete Anonymity

It's the small things that worry me. Writing about little silly points that other people will recognise about me (like some of the comments I left here (see, there's Suzie again)). Well, I think I realised recently that I've posted enough of those already, that a few more won't make a difference. (I had thought about going back and deleting some at some point, but... I don't know)

I guess the reason I want to remain anonymous in theory is so that people don't know who I am. (Well duhh ;) This is obviously 1. Because most (if not all) people I know don't know that we have any problems and 2. It's pretty embaressing admitting a lot of stuff to people I don't know, let alone people I do!

But it's nice to just chat about stuff, rather than talking about things.

PS. No, this doesn't mean I'm going to go proving who I am or something ;)

Number 11 (Plain Boiled Rice)

E-mail working again today. It reckons I had 146 spam comments. Odd, didn't look like half that many. I didn't delete them all this time - perhaps that helps prevent future ones.

Anyway, I thought I'd start knocking things off the list by... Doing something completely different ;) I guess that looking through Suzie's pics made me think of this.

But here's a picture I took about a year ago while on holiday. Think it's one of my favourite pictures I've ever taken :)



Well, it beats thinking about the rest of the list ;)

Oh, and I think 11 really is plain boiled rice at our local Chinese. I prefer it to that horrible egg-fried stuff :)

Things I Want to Say

Right, well, I was thinking about writing something more about... well, everything, but I wasn't sure where to start, let alone where to end.

So I decided to make a list of some things I've thought of that I think I have something to say about. As I started writing it, I then figured I might as well post it here, and people can either then ask me about something, or poke me into adding new things I've forgotten about (or, more likely, ponder quietly over the list's content ;). The list started with me just trying to think about "relationship stuff", but by the end I've diverged a little. Is "diverged" the word I want? Doesn't sound right for some reason. Well, I've already "divulged" quite a lot, so I know that's not the one I meant ;)

The list is not in any sort of sequence, other than the sequence in which I remembered/wrote them:

1. Recently, I'm less horny (probably linked to 2)
2. Recently, she's (even) less horny
3. What happens if the sex comes back, and...?
4. Refusal to accept things?
5. Continued lack of commitment on my behalf?
6. Past regrets
7. (see 1) Strangely.. calm
8. It's all about perspective. Why 5 years doesn't feel as bad to me
9. How she feels (sexually, emotionally, maritally), and where she wants to go
10. I relate her unknown lack of desire now to my unknown lack of want for sex at the start of the relationship, despite (or because) understanding neither. (That one probably doesn't need any more said about it)
11. My e-mail isn't working today
12. It's probably a good thing, I think I've acquired a bunch of spam comments again. Note to self: Enable some sort of anti-spam comment feature.
13. Blogs I haven't started properly reading, but if I list them here, I can get around to removing them from my favourites, returning my favourites once more to links of 0 significance in themselves.
14. I think I've given up a little on attempting to remain anonymous. I could have done, but it meant sacrificing being more talkative, and it's good to talk, as BT & Bob Hoskins said.
15. Consider: Writing an index of posts of significance, to make finding those ones easier in amongst all the other dribble ;)
16. Thank all you readers for being investing your time in reading about me & my thoughts, and for leaving such wonderfully honest comments :) I appreciate even (if not especially) the "oh wow I don't really know what to say"-type awkward comments ;)
17. I had hoped that when Relate came back to us we could have got "'round the corner" appointments, rather than the slightly more difficult appointments which involve a short motorway jaunt. I think now we'll likely just go with whichever becomes available first.
18. My brain stopped playing this game a while ago. Either I've remembered it all, or the rest has fallen through the holes.
== Update, 24/07/06 ==
19. Why I proposed
20. Why I got married
== Update, 25/07/06 ==
21. Food (again, sorry)
22. Note to self: Must remember to cut my finger nails when I actually have an opportunity to do something about it
23. P'raps something about God, religion, and all that malarky.

Something I Thought Recently

I think this actually occurred to me a couple of weeks ago, but I've only just thought to write about it.

I probably thought of it as a result of the number of religious people I'm seeing around in Blog-land, and I have just been reminded of it tonight.

Our Father which art in Heaven,
Hallowed be Thy Name.
Thy Kingdom come,
Thy Will be done,
In Earth, As it is in Heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread,
And forgive us our trespasses,
As we forgive them that trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation,
But deliver us from evil.
For Thine is the kingdom, the power, and the glory,
For ever and ever.
Amen.

Now, these days, I don't remember very much of it.

Part of it I remember because of this joke, which I remember from The Vicar of Dibley. It appears to be in a few other forms on t'Internet, but here it is:

The CEO of McDonalds manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican.

After receiving the papal blessing, he whispers, "Your eminence, we have an
offer for you. McDonalds is prepared to donate £100 million pounds to the church
if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to,
'give us this day our daily hamburger.'

The Pope responds, "That is impossible. The Prayer is the word of the Lord,
it must not be changed."

"Well," says the McDonalds man, "we anticipated your reluctance. For this
reason, we will increase our offer to £300 million pounds. All we require
is that you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread
'to 'give us this day our daily hamburger.'

Again, the Pope replies, "That, my son, is impossible. For the prayer is the
word of the Lord and it must not be changed."

Finally, the McDonalds guy says, "Your Holiness, we at McDonalds respect your
adherence to your faith, but we do have one final offer. We will donate £500
million pounds - that's half a billion pounds - to the great Catholic church
if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily
bread' to 'give us this day our daily hamburger.' Please consider it."

Then he leaves.

The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals. "There is some good
news," he announces, "and some bad news."

"The good news is that the Church will come into £500 million pounds."

"And the bad news, Your Eminence?" asks a Cardinal.

"We're losing the Wonder Loaf deal."

But the line I have been thinking about recently is "And lead us not into temptation".

Some years ago, I read a series of books which included personified "concepts", such as Time, Death, Fate, War, and Nature. The people in these "offices" were in a constant battle against Satan, who himself was also "person-ish", rather than, e.g. a big beasty thing. He very obviously (well, subtly) lied, cheated, and twisted the truth wherever he could.

Now, "lead us not into temptation" reminds me of that. Why is it not something like "Grant us the strength to resist temptation" or something? If you spend 99% of your life not being tempted, then surely one is more likely to give in to temptation if/when it occurs?
(It made me think of the books (Incarnations of Immortality), because it made me think of the subtle sort of change that Satan would have made - seemingly innocuous, but perhaps with hidden consequences)

I don't remember what it was that caused me to think of this, but that, as the Americans say, is my two cents.

There He Goes

There goes our trainee. With us for six months, but never learnt some of the simplest of things. It's a shame, he really did have so much potential, but it just went to waste.

I got on better with him personally than anyone else in the company, and I have also worked directly with him more than anyone else. But in the end, I tried to help him as much as I could, and always said if he wasn't sure about anything or had any problems that he should speak to me, but unfortunately, he just never really thought about what he was doing.

My bosses had been teetering on the verge of whether to extend his probationary period or to say goodbye to him all day. I found out the decision at 4:30.

At 5:15, he finished working on a low priority "research" project for me. I thought it was quite clever, and perhaps might stand him a chance of tipping the balance back the other way if he showed it off. (There have been many occasions even today of him saying "Right, finished!", then someone spending two minutes checking and coming up with a list of things still to do)
It was only a simple sample of something, but I told him to go show it to my boss. "Make a note of the information you need to show the sample and take it with you", I said. He didn't take a note. He couldn't remember the information. He couldn't demonstrate the sample because he hadn't jotted down a simple 6-digit number.
So clever, so stupid.

It's such a shame.

I always try to help our, er, "less gifted" employees, although of those that have been and gone, he had the greatest potential, and also reminded me a lot of myself.
This is also the most influence I've ever had before over whether someone stays or goes (it wasn't directly my decision, but I believe that if I'd have said I felt things should go the other way, I think that they would have). In the end, I was honest, and it was the way things had to be.

Oh well. Life goes on.

You Sodding Spamming Bastards

 

You have 96 unread messages

Damnit! 96!! I'm REALLY going to have some fun tidying that lot of comments up out my blog this evening!

And I didn't even remember to complain about comment spam in my mini-rant yesterday! It's just not fair.

AND ... I heard a rumour (well, ok, less of a rumour and more a fact) about something else, that, even although it affects none of you, I am not going to mention yet after all, until it's happened.

Mini-Rant

Sorry, I flittered my time away on other things, leaving only time for a mini-rant.

1. Blogger.  For sending me e-mails about my own comments.  Look, I know I said something, don't go getting me all excited about thinking I have new mail... when it turns out to be from me!
   


2. Stupid people.  Or rather, people who don't think.  This can include clever people.  Like yesterday I finished shopping, went to put the trolley back, and grr! I had a big trolley instead of a little one for a change.  There were three rows of trolleys.  Big ones at the far left, then two rows of little ones.  The right-hand little trolley row was practically empty.  The middle row was so long, it came out the trolley shelter and into the carpark, off at an angle enough that you couldn't actually get to the 3rd (big trolley) row. HELLO PEOPLE!? Add trolley to SHORT row! Not the long one! How much thought does that take?
3. Trolleys that require you to put your money in.  As you may guess from 2. I normally try to put my trolley back neatly.  The fact that they don't trust me to do that is a little irritating.  Yesterday, I would have rearranged some of the trolleys, but couldn't as I didn't have a spare pound to pull some out to move them to the other row.


4. Me.  For not having gone to bed yet.


5. Me.  For not making my mind up whether I want to buy an air con unit.  I mean I thought about it around a month ago, but figured we could make do without one.  You can get the mobile ones for like £180 which isn't toooo bad. But I don't want a big one.  And I might as well get one that can heat as well as cool, or it's a lot of storage space on something we hardly use.  Wait, now I'm at small+cheap+heats as well as cools, and more at £250.  So I decide not to get one.  Obviously, I'm still not sure about that. It's too hot!


6. The trainee I've been working with. For having so so much potential and being very clever with some things - but completely ignoring what he's told and never thinking about what he does!
   Perfect example of a clever person who doesn't think. Oh, and incidentally, if you're ever telling a story that includes the line, "...but me mate was so high on acid...", then it's probably not suitable for the workplace.


7. Me.  For being completely honest to my boss about the state of said trainee.  I could make all the difference, and it's a little intimidating to think about how I could be completely changing the course of his life.


8. Me.  For being guilty about it, when it's a perfectly reasonable and sensible thing to do.


9. The weather, for being too hot.  It shouldn't be this hot and sticky at 1:30am!!

I think that will do for now ;)

Torn

(But neither cold, shamed, nor lying naked on the floor... mind you, it is pretty hot...)

Later (if I have the opportunity), I may write one of two posts:

Topic 1: Feeling Guilty
Topic 2: Bit of a Rant

The reason I'm torn, is that one thing which is likely to be one of the main points, features in both topics.

Oh, and neither of them is about me, my wife, or anything like that. Just some more general stuff.

Maybe if I have enough time, I'll end up doing a guilty rant ;)

Not Fair

So simply because I have a fresh cream & fresh strawberry tart thing, I deserve to get laughed at by my wife?

I mean ok, I ended up covering my upper lip and my nose in cream, but that's not the point! ;)

Nor was it the point when, having washed off the remaining cream, I complained I could still smell it, probably because it had gone up my nose.

Uhh... Ok... I'll laugh too ;)